Friday, July 18, 2014


blurry little lovebird babies who had just gotten engaged in Rovinj, Croatia back in June 2008. (thanks to my friend Moon for taking this ((albeit shitty quality)) most favorite photo). we are so young and JJ is so happy. i love love love it! 

and now we are all grown up and mature and today marks five years of marriage! i really do love where life has taken us. we got a little Foxy Cleopatra doggie, we've done a little moving from here to there, we bought a little cream puff house, we had a little Gemma, and another little baby is on his/her way. i feel very lucky to be stuck with this wonderful, crazy asshole! 

JJ's parents and one of his sisters are coming up to Seattle tomorrow, so we have a nice long afternoon-into-evening date planned for Sunday.* but tonight...tonight we feast on pasta roma and partake in a phase10 tournament!

how about a vain little black and white trip down memory lane because i just love looking at our wedding pictures. it was the best day, and i would do it all over again in a heartbeat! (well actually no. i would skip the part where i trip and fall down the stairs one hour before the ceremony, breaking the strap off my dress and screaming "FUUUUCK!" in front of JJ's great uncle, Bishop Joe, who presided over our wedding and is pictured below). 


 *the traditional anniversary gift for five years is wood. just please. i'm anticipating the penis-themed gift already.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014


this was the snapchat i sent out this morning.

Gemmie and i were running late per usual, and i (AGAIN. when will i learn?!) took my prenatal vitamin too quickly before my breakfast had time to digest and settle. so while G was sitting on my bed flipping through the pages of the book i'm currently reading on my iPad (she loses my place in the book like every 4 hours hkjsadfkhasdfkhj nothing more frustrating!), i was sitting on the floor of the bathroom telling myself that i WOULD NOT PUKE. mind over matter. mind. over. matter. and i didn't. then i stood up and walked back into the bedroom, which is precisely when Gem chucked her own book (The Prince's Bedtime- great book FYI), and it sliced my ankle with it's sharp corner before hitting the floor. i yowled "GOD DAMMIT!" in pain and shouted at my child, "NO NO NO GEMMA DO NOT THROW BOOKS! ESPECIALLY AT MOMMY! NOT COOL!" which is also when i noticed that my bedroom window was open and my neighbor was walking by as i was yelling.  argh! caught in the act of being an asshole mom is the worst.

then i threw on a tshirt (that says "i'm so broke" which is entirely true) and stretchy shorts and we left the house. and by the time i actually looked in the mirror i was like WTF THERE ARE A FAMILY OF BIRDS (PERHAPS RATS, EVEN) LIVING IN MY HEAD. my hair was ridiculous. just absolutely ridiculous.

and you know, i haven't used a brush in like 7 years. really, it's true. isn't that terrible?! and i think maybe it's time. it's time i bought myself a brush. but the problem now is that i want a Mason Pearson. but c'mon, $150+?! FOR A BRUSH?! i realize it's made of boar hair or whatever. but Mason Pearson acts like boars are extinct and their hairs are worth their weight in gold. first of all, boars are disgusting. secondly, don't they run rampant and in abundance in Indonesia? i might as well catch one, cut off its hairs and make my own GD brush.

but really, the only reason i'm whining is because i really want one now and i can't have it (refer back to the tshirt i am wearing today).

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

25 things

shitballs, i know. it's been a long time, ye old bloggeroo. today i was thinking to myself "i should write in Gemma's baby book." and usually i'm all "nah, it's fine. i put her milestones on the blog, so i'm covered." WELL I HAVEN'T BLOGGED IN AGES. so basically it's like all of these things that happened never actually happened. they are perfect and wonderful things that disappear like a whispering wind (note to self: Disappear Like a Whispering Wind is great name for romance novel) if i don't document them. for instance, i didn't share the story of Gemma's first full sentence ("oh SHIT, mama. that's hot!" when i set a bowl of soup in front of her) or about how my 99 cent tomato plants are growing at an incredible rate (i'm practically a farmer now) and i got so mad at Gemma for plucking the biggest tomato off before it was ready (i still ate it. because, like, C'MON, it was my first ever tomato that i grew with my own two hands! also, it was gross. because it was green still) or about how Gemma loves to jump off the diving board.

so anyway, this isn't an empty promise to myself that i'll blog more often, but dammit, i need to blog more often! so here are 25 things. 25 things that we've been up to this summer.

1. we picked raspberries at a family friend's house and they were so wonderful and fresh and delicious. and Gem was eating them faster than we could pick them. 

2. we've been enjoying lots of swimming pools! this was taken at my friend KKiss' parents house. this was also the first day she jumped off the diving board. 

3. Gempop is obsessed with all the cows that ever existed. "HEYGUYSLOOKCOWS" and "WHITECOWRUNNINMAMA" and "OOHLOOKATDATCOW" is all we heard on our 4-hour road trip to Oregon last week.

4. G had her first s'more. it was a hit! she likes them deconstructed better than as a sandwich, though. also, it should be stated here that we now make s'mores with reese's peanut butter cups. YOU GUYS. stop. stop using Hershey's. use the peanut butter cups. GAME. CHANGER. you will never look back.

5. i went to my 10-year high school reunion. and i was pregnant. i mean, terrible planning on my part. but it was such a wonderful time. all of my old drunk classmates drinking Busch Light out of cans and rubbing my belly all night long until 1 a.m. was perfectly intimate and oddly comforting. there's just something about growing up in a small town!! and it was also the first time the Fab5 (and the babies!) have been all together. 

6. on rainy summer mornings, G likes to put on her rain boots and hoodie and take her baby for a walk on the deck.


8. Gemsie got her first real salon haircut! $30 for like, 3 snips. but whatves. it looks SO much better. she got to pick out a movie to watch (Winnie the Pooh) during the 4 minutes it took to trim off her mullet. right before the woman started, G shyly looked up at me and said, "mama hold my hand" and she hung onto it the whole time. it was the cutest thing in the world and i almost died.

9. we were in a 4th of July parade!

 she was so adorable in her little red, white and blue outfit. and so were JJ and Cleo. the picture below was taken right before G insisted on walking Cleo down the street by herself. then she tripped on a crack in the sidewalk and fell into some bark, yelling "DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! CLEO!" for all to hear. and it wasn't even Cleo's fault. it was her own fault. but Cleo is used to getting blamed for many things.

10. corn on the cob. lots and lots of corn on the cob. 

11. farmer's marketing.

12. Cleo got a haircut and while we were waiting in the PetSmart parking lot, JJ let Gemma drive. but she really wasn't interested in driving. she was interesting in rolling down the windows, honking the horn 800 times and turning up the volume of her music to 5,000.

13. accidental and hilarious selfie.

14. road trips!

15. JJ paddle boarded  for the first time! (i tried, but my belly wouldn't let me balance).

16. these two pals! (we were in Sunriver for a family reunion and had so much fun. Sunriver is the best!)

17. just getting some sun on that big ol belly.

18. cranky. while we road trip, Gemmie insists on listening to her own music. but she won't let us sing along. she puts her hands out and shouts, "STOP. DON'T SING DAT, GUYS" #rude.

19. today marks the first day of week 28, the beginning of third trimester. WHAT?!?!!! this pregnancy has flown by. FLOWN. i just don't even know where the time goes. i have purchased a small handful of new baby things and i put them into a drawer last night and realized that i totally have a color scheme going on and i didn't even mean to! it's fun to hold little teensy tiny baby things in my hands, i just can't wait for the him/her to get here! well, actually i kind of can. because we have a lot to do before then. BUT REALLY, we are so excited! also, for the record, i think boy and JJ thinks girl.

20. ICED MOCHAS! galore. the Nespresso machine is the best thing that ever happened to me. (also, my iPad in the background reminds me: if you need a new book to get hooked on, the All Souls Trilogy is so addicting! like a mix between Harry Potter and Twilight with elements of history and classic literature and science all twisted together. the third book comes out this month! also FYI: it's cheaper on the Kindle app than iBooks.

21. outdoor summer concerts with BFFs! we hit one up this morning. there was lots of booty shaking (and snack eating and children running away and being naughty and moms kind of wishing we had leashes for the animals children) and clapping and adorableness.

22. beach days! full of sandy buttcracks and sandy sandwiches. and also duck chasing.

 23. because summer=eating watermelon outside in the grass. DUH!

24. i'm growing out my bangs. >SIGH< for the 8billionth time. i always get super pissed off when they reach my eyes, and then i cut them. BUT THIS TIME I'M NOT GIVING UP. the prenatals are making my hair grow fast, so i'm sticking to it! on the way home from Sunriver, while reading in the car, i searched high and low for a bobby pin to pull them back, but couldn't find one. so i used one of Gemma's bows instead. and she was absolutely NOT OK with it. "DATS MIIIIIINE BOW MAMA, NOOOOO!" and sobbed and sobbed. and i was like, "actually, it's mine because i bought it. also you need to share with me and be nice." but she just continued wailing. sometimes it's just SO HARD being a two-year-old, ya know?

25. i golfed! well, i putt-putt golfed.

and there you have it. the Hansens have been keeping busy! talk soon. xx

Thursday, May 29, 2014

G is two

Gemma is 2! TWO! she's 25 pounds now ("that's a quarter of the way to 100, L" said JJ pensively), is going to start drinking big kid 2% milk and says "i luffoo too mommy" when i tell her i love her. she's as strong as an ox, is a little turd, and gives the loveliest kisses.

we blew up 20 balloons the night before her birthday and in the morning before she woke up, i said "JJ we gotta go put the balloons in her crib!" and he said, "be right back, gotta poop real quick." A FULL 30 MINUTES LATER, he came out of the bathroom and she was already awake, but we brought in the balloons...she was still so excited, even though it wasn't a surprise. and i suppose this pink balloons in her bed on her birthday thing is a tradition now, since we did it last year too!

JJ made waffles with whipped cream and raspberries for the birthday girl.

and then we took her to Petco for her Big Birthday Surprise! she got to pick out any fish that she wanted! well actually, any Beta fish that she wanted. we had our sights set on this fat goldfish but the Petco lady was all "you'll need a 20-gallon tank for that one" so we like threw it back in the water and grabbed a Beta instead. G picked out blue and green gemstone rocks for the bowl, we grabbed a 100-year supply of Beta food, and we went to checkout. then the cats for sale caught JJ's eye and he took Gemmie over to see them. i paid for the fish things and they were still loitering by the cats, so i went over there. that's when JJ turned to me with sad, worried eyes and said, "L. this is a 7-year-old cat. let's buy it. no one else is going to. i want to save it." HE WANTED TO BUY A USED CAT YOU GUYS. i was like, "NO guy, we are not buying an old fart cat today. besides, if you really want an old fart cat, we can bring Chanel back home to live with us." that got him to be quiet, but i like had to drag him out of Petco. he kept stealing glances back at Old Cat until we were out of the parking lot.

i asked Gemma what her new fish's name was and she said, "Daddy Fishy." which is what she calls him. i kind of have hurt feelings.

and then we had to go to Discount Tire because SOMEONE SLASHED MY BACK LEFT TIRE (actually, the tire man said it was probably an impact slash from hitting a curb. whatever, what does he know anyway?! i'm a good driver!) and G ran amok in the place until she settled in to watch some PBS on my phone while i got really into an old I Spy book that was in the magazine rack.

then we went home, made the spaghetti sauce for dinner and she went down for a nap. i made chocolate chip cookies and cleaned the house. when she woke up, JJ came home and we went for frozen yogurt! the young man who worked at Menchie's did a magic trick for us and gave Gemstone a balloon.

and when we got home, she opened presents! 

we got about 8,642 FaceTime calls, and then our good friends came over for dinner and we indulged in the spaghetti feast! at which point Gemma decided she no longer likes spaghetti. kasjdhfsahkjdfah JJ bribed her to take a bite with the promise of cookies for dessert, then she finished her spaghetti.

we watched the Kings choke in double overtime (can the hockey season just. please. be. OVER. already?!?!) and birthday girl checked on Daddy Fish before settling into bed.

it was a wonderful day.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

"nap time" // 3

i watched this struggle for a good 10 minutes, laughing my ass off before going in to help her. 

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

what's inside my brain

1. probably the sweetest and most wonderful thing i have ever seen in my life was yesterday when Gemma wanted Daddy to be a princess. so he sat patiently while she put a crown, earrings, bracelets, a ring and evening gloves on him. he also plays hockey outside with her and dances with her and chases the dog around the house with her. i love that he lets her be exactly who she wants to be. he wins at being a dad. he reallllllly does!

2. this new necklace! (from Secret Sky). my wardrobe currently consists of 3 black and 4 grey tshirts. so boring i could die. but whatevs, they're comfy! i just got this necklace that matches all of my shirts, though, and spices up the ol' bump quite nicely. the perfect blend of trendy and bohemian! the website is awesome because you can order whatever pieces you want, try them at home with your own clothes and send what you don't want back. and they charge you for what you keep. TOTALLY COOL.

3. i always do my own nails. and i like to call attention to the fact that i do my own nails. it makes me feel thrifty, and like JJ should be proud of me for not being high maintenance. but you guys, i got my first gel manicure and HOLY SHIT i may have to throw that thriftiness out the window because omg is it great. GREAT. i'm on day 3 and not even a HINT of chipping. they look as perfect as they did when i left the salon. it's a miracle!

4. i want to forever and ever remember the way Gemma says "pock-kiss-el" and "coo-cock" (popsicle and peacock). toddler talk is the absolute BEST.

5. i've mentioned this before, but if you haven't read Wonder, do yourself a favor and add it to your summer reading list. actually, if you only ever read one book in your LIFE, read this book. it changed my life and touched my heart in a way that no other book has ever done. its main message is that kindness is the only thing that really truly matters.

6. the pregnancy pillow my parents got me for mother's day has been completely life-changing. like i literally do not know HOW IN THE HELL i survived my last pregnancy without it. JJ calls it my boyfriend. it's a miracle that it actually fits into our small bed with us, but it does! it's 100% pure perfection. i sleep like a real queen now, and G loves it too!

7. re: baby names. i suggest a name, JJ shuts it down. it's very annoying.

8. JJ got a Nike fuelband for his birthday and it's really effin sweet. mostly because it says JUST DO IT JEREMY to him everyday. i mean, that kind of motivation, RIGHT THERE ON YOUR WRIST is the greatest kind of motivation i've ever heard of. also it measures movement, not steps. and now i kind of want one too. and one for Gemma. because she would MAX THAT SHIT OUT every single day.

9. Gemma got a pack of new undies yesterday, so i've tried to start many discussions about how she can only wear them if she starts going in the big girl potty. she interrupts me every single time and shouts "NEW PANTIES MAMA! BOO-BERRIES!" (the undies have fruit on them) into my face. #notready


Monday, May 19, 2014

a day for a mom

GREETINGS! i haven't really been keeping up with pregnancy updates, so i'll start off with an 18-week shot of JF2 (two weeks old) taken the tuesday before mother's day. it was a cold and rainy day. damn you, Seattle.

BUT THEN the sun came out and it was perfect. we were outside all of last week, so i didn't even get to blog about my perfectly wonderful mother's day!

actually it wasn't perfect for poor ol' G. she came down with a diarrhea virus that was straight death and destruction. death in the sense that JJ and i LITERALLY ALMOST DIED from the smell (candles and lighting matches and all the windows open, etc) and destruction being the amount of times we had to strip her crib down and wash the sheets. the poor girl's belly was just rotten. the good news is though, she got pretty good at differentiating between farts and poops, and that is a very valuable life lesson.

sick baby was even tired enough to take a nap in my arms. it was bittersweet. so sad because she wasn't feeling well, but i was thrilled to hold sleeping Gemmie.

JJ and i didn't get to spend the weekend with either of our own moms, so we sent little tokens of love to them instead. i bought my favorite tea towels from Target and needle pointed their first initial on them in pink thread (my Grandma taught me how to needle point when i was a kid, it was fun to do it again!) and i wrote the exact same message on each of their cards (busted!) but every word is true. we are so lucky to have them!

we skipped church because of Diarrhea Gem, and JJ made me breakfast in bed like the hero he is. homemade buttermilk chocolate chip pancakes (OHMYGOD YES) and berries and a mocha. well, i made the mocha because he doesn't do it right, but still, it was perfect! so delicious. Diarrhea Gem was only supposed to eat plain toast and pedialyte. but JJ slipped her one coin-sized pancake (sans choc chips).

then i got the most thoughtful card ever from my hubbles that made me cry, and a whole slew of tulips! and after Diarrhea Gem had her next diarrhea episode, we thought we had a couple hours before another struck, so we quickly headed to the mall, where JJ said i could pick out a pair of BIRKENSTOCKS. (you guys, before you yell at me, you must know that Birkenstocks are back in style! don't believe me? read this. Anna Wintour doesn't lie!!!) i thought about going with the classic double strap black ones but thought that maybe i wouldn't be able to pull that off while pregnant (i.e. fat hippie), and so i ended up picking the black thong style and i just adore them. so comfortable and my back isn't hurting from shitty sandals with no arch support.

we then went to lunch at Nordstrom Cafe, and just as we were finishing up, we smelled a Terrible Smell. it was Diarrhea Gem. after a quick diaper change (even though it was mother's day, i split the diarrhea diapers with JJ because it would have been just plain cruel to make him handle 100% of them), we headed home.

and while Diarrhea Gem took a nap, JJ, Cleo and i sat outside and enjoyed the sun. i was elbow deep in bag of cool ranch doritos (they have been HITTING THE SPOT lately) until JJ yelled at me about chemicals and MSG and took the bag away from me. rude.

we spent the evening hanging out, and i was pleased as punch to be spending my special day with the two people who made me a mom (three if you count JF2). i love these goons!

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