Friday, September 19, 2014

a few of my favorite things: pregnancy edition

This second pregnancy has been entirely about comfort. COMFORT IS KING. if you happen to be pregnant and uncomfortable, here is a list of trusty faves that i've had on repeat.*

1. Embrace: a Pregnancy Journal: my dear, sweet thoughtful friend Sandi gave me a pregnancy essentials basket of goodies at the very beginning of JF2, and this was in it. it's the best journal ever--beautiful images and thought-provoking prompts to get you writing...pages devoted entirely to your boobs!!! (the boob changes withstood during pregnancy are incredible. much going on there. i won't get into the gory details, but MAN, i was glad to have space to write about NatGeo nips, etc. in this sweet ass journal). PLUS, the author is a Washingtonian. so, that's pretty rad.

2. Birkenstocks: last pregnancy it was all about the Danskos, but they were just too sweaty and bulky for the summer heat. JJ bought me these sandals for Mother's Day and i basically haven't taken them off since. occasionally i'll switch them out for a ballet flat and i always regret it! the Birks have been so good to my back. and also it should be noted that i am eternally grateful for their timely comeback.

3. a JJ! i don't think this is the first time JJ has found himself in a "favorite things" collage. but that's because it's really nice to have a JJ. mostly. his profoundly thoughtful comments like "you're just a temporary fat person" and "wow, you ate two crispy burritos from Taco Time for lunch? i mean, that is a LOT of burrito" are just the sweetest. but really in all honestly, he never complains when i ask him to get out of bed to retrieve my complicated Tums order (two. the berry flavored. and not two of the same color), and he's always game to take Gemstar on an adventure (pants optional. no really. he took Gemma to the grocery store in a t-shirt and undies. THAT'S LITERALLY ALL SHE WAS WEARING #whitetrash) right when he gets home from work so that i can have alone time to binge watch Parenthood on Netflix and binge eat E.L. Fudge cookies.

4. the Bump Nest: this pillow was making the blogger rounds and the more reviews i read, the more i coveted the damn thing. my parents bought one each for my sister and me for Mother's Day (she is due with her first baby mid-December. also, another one of my sisters went and bought it too--and she's not even pregnant! hahahahaa she just wanted one to improve her sleep.) and truly, truly i don't know how i survived my last pregnancy without it. hands down THE. BEST. and most important pregnancy sidekick. ever. JJ calls it my Boyf since he takes up so much room on the bed and because i'm obsessed with him. i even take him on trips (i draw the line at airplane rides, though). i have spent the entirety of 37.5 weeks sleeping 8+ hours each night, and i owe it allllll to Boyf.

5. Gilligan & O'Malley Women's Sleeptee: aka The Nightshirt. i live in this MFer. LIVE! i'd like to say i only wear it for sleep, but that's such a lie. right when i get home, i am out of my clothes and into my nightshirt at lightning speed. it's the most perfectly perfect shirt ever.

6. hellomellow rejuvenate body oil: while i love the Mama Bee Butter at the small-bellied beginning of pregnancy, this body oil has come in mighty handy toward the bitterly enormous, stretch-marked end. it was a gift from my friend Rah and i love it! it's supple and smooth, smells delicious and is all natural. G and i both slather ourselves up after the shower. it's the best! makes my skin way less itchy and irritated. only i have to squeeze it out awkwardly because i broke the pump lid when i accidentally ran over my overnight bag when i was at my parents' house (but that's a story for a different day).

7. Gap Maternity Pure Body Tanks: i technically own only one of these, but my lovely friend Sam graciously let me borrow a handful of hers and they are the BEST. i loved the Liz Lange basic tanks (can't find them on Target's website! but they are always in stock in store) during the beginning, but again, my belly is enormous and now hangs out of the bottom of those. the Gap ones are so soft, and long enough to keep me from looking like i belong on

8. Gabrialla Maternity Support Belt: this thing is awesome! i had a girlfriend (who had a baby just two weeks ago!) recommend it to me and it has been wonderful. it has eased much of the weight and pressure from my back. whenever i say, "ohhhh my back is KILLING MEEEE!" Gemma says, "e need your back brace Mama?" hahahahh! even she knows how much it helps. also i should tell you that when i take it off, it's like my bladder is released and i immediately have to pee so badly. so if you get one, don't take it off if you aren't near a bathroom!

9. Motherhood Maternity Hipster Panties: i actually favor the (NOW DISCONTINUED GOD DAMMIT) Gilligan & O'Malley jersey maternity underwear from good ol' Targs, but these have been a nice close second. in the last few weeks leading up to Gemma's birth, i was wearing JJ's underwear. what an embarrassment. maternity underwear wasn't something i thought i ever really needed, but i cannot stress enough how important they are. you will need elephant-sized underwear. i promise! BUY THEM. or let your mother-in-law buy them for you like i did.

10. up&up Daily Prenatal Combo Pack: i love these vitamins! they are cheap and easy just like Cleo.

*just so we're clear, there's no affiliate link bullshit going on for these favorite things posts...i'm not even KIND OF savvy enough to figure that out. i genuinely want to share with you the things that i love. because i think you care. i'm narcissistic like that.*

Monday, September 15, 2014

what's on L's phone?!

hahahahah doesn't Foxy Cleopatra look like a pinup girl laying down at the beach?! 

also, re: that little red puzzle piece: i absolutely cannot STAND losing puzzle pieces. it's one of my biggest pet peeves. i couldn't find this one for DAYS, and i even contemplated throwing away the entire puzzle because it irritated me that much. then i found it in this asshole's bed. she had been hiding it the whole time. 

also, ALSO, her new Seahawk-colored collar is purely coincidental. it was on clearance for $3.49 at Target. don't like, think i'm a real fan or anything. 

our friends got married! (love ya Charlie & Margot :) my parents came to watch Gemma for the day/night so we could enjoy ourselves. it was lovely! the night before the wedding, i bought a new necklace to wear since i knew i was going to wear this trusty black stretchy maternity dress that i've worn 800 times. i was so excited because i had a NEW accessory to wear! i laid it out with the dress and shoes and went to bed very pleased. the next day when i went to get dressed, the necklace fell off the hanger and shattered into a million pieces. and i yelled All The Bad Words (and got scolded by my Mom for yelling All The Bad Words in front of Gemma) sat down in my elephant-sized underwear and cried a little bit. because you know, i just was REALLY looking forward to wearing a new necklace. poooooooooor L. but then i found this gold ball necklace that is actually not even mine, it's my friend Moon's, in my drawer and all was OK again. 

wow, glad i got that 90-page story off my chest. i'm sure you all cared SO MUCH.

every female has a picture of themselves as a toddler in their mom's high heels, amiriiiiiite?! 

hot DAMN we have been enjoying every last heirloom tomato that my two little 99-cent plants have yielded this summer. next year i'm planting like 25 more. obsessed!  

little itsy bitsy baby moccasins for JF2! they're so tiny and cute i just want to snuggle with them all day long. next to Gemma's for adorable size reference. 

this was taken at a coffee place called Diva Espresso. i'm not even joking. SHE FIT RIGHT IN.

Cleo was SO EXCITED OMG to have not one, but TWO crazy toddlers yanking on her leash during a walk.

(my unpainted nail makes me cringe) my parents went and bought themselves a Leisure Van for traveling around the U.S. i told them i'm going to buy them matching pleated Dockers and a bumper sticker that says "RV there yet?!" hahahahahhahahahahaaaa and all on her own, Gemma has dubbed the Leisure Van "Bear's Bus" (said with lisp) it's absolutely hilarious. my sisters and i cannot stop laughing about it!!!

my little Beverly Hillbilly (who, as we left this baptism party for our niece, had only one pigtail left in her hair, food crusted all over her face and a pee stain on the back of her dress)

flying in the pool with Daddy. i just love that little wedgie.  

i think this baby has dropped. 

she looks like the sweetest, most cooperative little traveler. #fake #SOfake 

we sent this to our fellow MMM mama who missed a meeting because she was busy bringing her newborn baby home. so much fun to have our group grow. babies are the best! 

LIBRARY DAYYYYYYY! (i have to hide this Hello Kitty shirt in the drawer, otherwise G would put it on every single day. i do the same with JJ's stupid UNLV tshirt that i hate so much. like, no. why do you even HAVE a UNLV tshirt?!) 

it was a day of lunch and a movie on the couch. ALSO, it was the first movie she sat all the way through! Despicable Me. she loved it. 

G loves to sit and try on shoes at Nordstrom Rack. i said to her, "oh no, Gemma, those aren't cute." and she said, "they're bootiful mama!" 

Pike Place blooms from my little sis. 

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

"nap time" // 5

G's new favorite is to bang her feet loudly against the wall until she finally passes out. which is extra annoying if i happen to be sitting on the couch. because it's directly on the other side of that wall.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

what's inside my brain

1. for every asshole blog post, there is a wonderful moment like this one, all snuggled up with her tiny little hand on my belly. it was barely captured before she launched off the bed in search of her next mission of destruction:

2. we went to the Caspar Babypants concert (we are lucky he's a Seattlelite!) on tuesday (note: when i told JJ we were going, he got all sad, "what?! i want to go!" hahahahahh! his music is so catchy!) and it was nothing short of a ZOO. a literal zoo. so many children. but it was so much fun. we have every one of his albums and know all of his songs by heart. if you have kids, check him out! anyway, after the concert was over, Gemmie was an absolute mess. just done. i don't think i've ever seen her this tired:

hahahah! classic toddler face.

3.  i am 33 weeks pregnant now. what?! like, it's almost the end. although, along with my movements, time seems to finally be slowing down. i'm getting uncomfortable, and my back hurts. wahhh! still smaller than i was with Gemmabeast, but definitely feeling large and in charge. i'm at the point where people feel like they have to say something to me about my belly. literally cannot go anywhere without comments. mostly people ask when the baby is due. i tell them, and they respond, "oh wow! you've got a ways to go!" and i'm all "fuck you very much" "yes, yes, heh heh. still have a bit over a month!" anyway, we are starting to get extra excited around here! lots of nesting going on! and omg this baby moves so much, it's ridiculous. always flipping around like a little alien in there. Gemma gets so excited every time. "e baby movin' mama?!"

hahahahaha my bra hanging from the closet doorknob in the background. 

4. POTTY TRAINING UPDATE: we went to target in big girl panties today. (well, obviously i did. but you know who i'm referring to here) it was a success! i put a hand towel in the cart seat just in case, but no accident! then she went tinkles in the big potty in target and we shouted and cheered and high-fived right in that disgusting, smelly bathroom! i let her pick out whatever candy she wanted as a reward and told her how proud of her i was. during nap time i heard her tucking in the stuffed animals, saying "i tuck you in, kitties. i so proud of you." *awwwwww*

5. regardless of how you feel about the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, it's working. JJ lost his Grandma to ALS in 2012, so when i was challenged, JJ asked me to do it in memory of her. of course!


6. i saw a review of this Sally Hansen Miracle Gel system in the September issue of InStyle...and i'm DYING to try. InStyle gave it a great review, so i'm holding out hope! only problem is that it doesn't come in my signature Pat On The Black shade...yet.

7. nobody likes offering as much as Gemma likes offering.

she stands and holds the envelope straight out until it's her turn to drop it in the basket. and she's pleased as punch with herself when she's done. so proud. she was so pissed when we showed up to church just that one time without offering. she was like "moneyyyyy! MAMA! DADDY! MONEYYYYYYYY!" and we were all red-faced and embarrassed for being called out by our two-year-old, searching our pockets for one measly dollar bill. kid keeps us honest.

8. you know you're a Dad when...

JJ had his last hockey game this summer and got home very late. he also must have gotten a battle wound, because in the morning i rolled over and giggled. he had two little girl band-aids on.

9. Taylor's new video and vibe. LOVE. she is just out of control awesome. G and i have been listening to it on repeat and having dance parties NONSTOP. also, this. THANK YOU.

10. i signed Gemma up for a mom and me ballet class this fall. i have literally been dreaming of this since the moment i found out she was a girl! little teensy weensy ballet shoes and leotard?! gahhhh!!! i'm excited that it will be something special for just her and i to do together. i just really hope she likes it. probably not. she'll probably be like "F this shit. i want to do wrestling instead."

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

"nap time" // 4

she's licking the wall in this one.

we have a real licking problem on our hands. she licks everything and everyone. examples: the security table at the airport (I MEAN, THE ABSOLUTE WORST. she had like 4,874 people's germs in her mouth after that one), the arm of anyone she loves, and also the arm of anyone she doesn't love (i.e. strangers in line at Taco Time).

we think she picked up the habit from Cleo. and nothing irritates me more than when she licks me. i lose my shit. i usually shout "STOP IT! THAT'S DISGUSTING GEMMA!" and she laughs until i put her in timeout. now when Cleo licks her, she shouts, "STOP IT! THAT'S DISGUSTING CLEO!" the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, i guess.

Friday, August 15, 2014


look at G! that smug little turd!
waiting for AAA.


today was a day. and it's not even over yet. it's only 3:26 p.m. and i'm sitting in my bed googling "why is my two-year-old an asshole?" 

it all started with the Legos. the god. damned. Legos. Gemcake wanted to play with them. great! so we got them out and started playing. as with most things, after 6 seconds she grew bored and started kicking them around the living room. i told her if she was done, she needed to clean them up, not kick them. which obviously only made her kick them harder. i told her if she didn't start cleaning them up, then she would get a time out. *continues kicking Legos* off to time out. where she screamed and screamed and screamed. and got up and walked over and screamed in my face. back to time out. more screaming. etc. etc. etc. the windows were open this whole time (come to think of it, this may be the reason why our neighbors with the young baby are so standoffish. OH JUST YOU WAIT, NEIGHBORS. YOUR CUTE LITTLE BABY WILL TURN INTO AN ASSHOLE, TOO). 25 minutes later, after she had finally placed the last Lego in the basket, she was ready to get dressed for the day.

next item on our agenda was an innocent trip to sephora. you see, i had accidentally left my little plastic bag filled with "liquids, gels and aerosols" behind at security in the airport yesterday. what an idiot! in that little plastic bag was my foundation! MY FOUNDATION YOU GUYS! foundation is one modern luxury that i cannot live without, so off we went to buy some more. once we hit the freeway, my tire pressure light came on. not 20 seconds later, my front driver's side tire was completely flat. so i yelled, pulled over and pounded the steering wheel with my fists and cried. G was very concerned, and sweetly said, "your tire broken, mama?! OHHH NOOOOO!" then i put on my hazards and called AAA to come and rescue me. which they did, and the man was very nice and let me and Gemma stay in the car and sing songs while he changed my tire. he also caught Cleo and saved her dumb ass from sure death when she leapt out of the trunk as he was getting the spare tire out.

Gemma was very polite to him, and shouted "thank you, man!" out the window to him when he finished, and i was proud of her sweet little self for being so considerate. GOD, L. YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD MOM FOR TEACHING GEMMA SUCH WONDERFUL MANNERS!!! THIS DAY HAS REALLY TURNED AROUND! YOU ARE RAISING AN ANGEL AFTER ALL!

we pulled into the mall parking lot, and i couldn't decide if i should get the stroller out or not. i decided against it, reasoning that G would be just fine to walk to sephora and back by herself. WRONG, SO WRONG. when given the choice of toddler freedom and a wonderful invention that literally traps the child to a seat that is easily pushed, one must always choose the latter. Gemstorm refused to hold my hand "no! i hold my own hand, mommy!" and walked at a snail's pace the entire way to the makeup store. at one point i picked her up to hurry things along, and she kicked and screamed and punched and spit in my face. i mean, SO rude.

she threw a fit in sephora when i wouldn't let her steal a purple eyeshadow. like, no. c'mon, you can't just shoplift, Gemma Julianne! i ended up dragging her to the car because she lifted her feet and refused to walk when i made her hold my hand. it was a chilly and rainy morning in Seattle, but i was sweating like a warthog in Africa by the time we got back to the car.

we got home and i asked her if she needed to tinkle in her potty, to which she replied "no." i headed to the toilet myself. she followed me in there as she always does, then proceeded to stare coldly and directly into my eyes as she peed on the brand-new bathroom rug. WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK?! like, i cannot even deal.

i was entirely over her bullshit antics at this point. so i put her down for a nap.

30 minutes later i heard her kicking the wall. i went in to check on her and saw that she had decided to rip up the (beautiful and expensive) dream catcher that is hanging above her bed.


so i beat her with a stick told her if she was going to act like a baby and ruin special things, then she could sleep in the crib like a baby. which is where she currently remains, finally asleep.

there are terrible things happening in this world. absolutely terrible things. i know this. and i try and remember to count my blessings when things are shitty for me. because things are a lot shittier for others. but sometimes, when all i see is red rage, it's easy to forget those blessings. namely, The Blessing of a tiny human whose fault it is that i'm pissed off in the first place. i love my little girl very dearly, but my GOD is she an asshole. sometimes i find myself frantically scouring amazon for parenting books for The Answer, but there isn't one. i've just got to shut the hell up and continue to try my best to raise a decent person.

cheers to the parents of assholes everywhere.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

what's inside my brain

1. i bought a new duvet cover with birthday money i received from JJ's parents (thanks to my parents for the matching shams! and the new jeans that i pray will fit after JF2 comes out, AND for the Uggs. only you guys, they weren't really new Uggs. the new Uggs didn't come in time, so my mom wrapped up her old Uggs as a way of showing me that mine were on the way hahahahahh), and now i have the bed of my dreams. JJ even approves of the hearts, which is a complete and total win.

2. i have issued a strict no-pants policy for myself around here. just, no. NO MORE PANTS. dresses when i'm in public...and at home, i just close the blinds.

3. speaking of no pants, have i talked about my nightshirt yet? i can't remember. and i'm too lazy to go and check. in any case, i have this nightshirt. those closest to me know alllll about my nightshirt. i picked it up on clearance at Target and i'm 100% obsessed with it. it's big and loose and periwinkle in color and also it has a little charming breast pocket. it makes me look like a glorious little old lady and it's so RIDICULOUSLY comfortable! i wear it to bed for two nights in a row, and then i immediately wash it on that second morning so that it's ready to wear to bed that night.

4. do you have Nextdoor? basically i hate it because it alerts me of any and all break-ins within my neighborhood which in turn makes me dream of night abductors. BUT, occasionally i get emails like this that make me laugh so hard:

hahahahahahahhahahahaha WHAT?! like a bearded dragon was just strolling down the sidewalk and this guy just happened upon it?!

5. right before we left for a road trip on Friday, i said to JJ, "JJ! i am making sandwiches for the road! do you want one?" and he said, "no, i'm not hungry." so i made myself and Gemma sandwiches, and we ate them in the car. and then an hour later SOMEONE said, "OMG L I'M SO HUNGRY!" (naturally) and so he got himself a burrito bowl from Chipotle. and i was so pissed because I WANTED CHIPOTLE TOO, only i was full from my recently-eaten sandwich. why was i the one punished because i was responsible?!?!?!? so i narrowed my eyes and watched him eat his delicious meal. what a turd!

 also Cleo is hilar in this pic. standing guard over the Chipotle bowl. 

6. "GET THAT POPCORN OUT OF YOUR PANTIES!" add that to the list of things i never thought i would ever have to say.

7. we went to the Washington coast (Westport) last weekend with our friends who have a cabin there, and we just had the best time. we are so grateful for this family who have been navigating this parenting journey with us, and who just get where we are in life because they're right in the same spot as we are. we love you, Lipes!

these two little girls and their Dads!!

8. can't take a poop in peace anymore. alllllllways have a poop buddy. always.

yes. yes, that is my periwinkle nightshirt that i am wearing. 

9. Gemma doesn't understand why we can't see the Space Needle from our house. SORRY WE CAN'T PROVIDE YOU WITH THAT TOP NOTCH VIEW FROM THE LIVING ROOM WINDOW, CHILD! GHODDDDD.

10. if you like to laugh and are not easily offended, you need NEED NEED to follow thefatjewish on instagram. my cousin told me about his absolutely hilarious feed, and now i'm sharing the hilarity with you. take it and go. GO FOLLOW HIM NOW.


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