Friday, March 21, 2014

what's inside my brain

1. my coffee date yesterday morning! she feels so fancy when i get her "my Gemma coffee" (vanilla steamer).

2. i went the whole day yesterday with a toothpaste splatter mark on the left lens of my glasses. HOW did i not notice it?! ALL DAY?!

3. even though KUWTK is a guilty pleasure of mine (along with butterfingers eggs, which are here for Easter--HOLLER!) Kim & Kanye on the cover of Vogue: i cannot. get out of here you guys. for shame, Anna Wintour.

4. right now: eating King's Row, watching the Zags game with my dad in our pajamas while G takes a nap.

5.  my friend Nel sent me this article: Inside a Woman's Mind at Target. hahahahah omg is it true. 100% true. the one thing i would have added: the first thing i do when i walk into Target is head straight for the snack section. if Gemma has something to eat, she generally behaves decently and i can shop in peace.

6. Gemcake's new favorite phrase: "i no wannit." she says it to almost everything: when i set a meal down in front of her, when i tell her we're going in the car, when it's time for nap, when Cleo licks her hand, etc.

7. little luxury worth the absurd price tag: Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment. side note: G is obsessed with the cardboard box it came it. she has been carrying it around all day today in the chest pocket of her overalls. hahahahhaaa

8. JJ hates this Asics commercial. he thinks it's so fake. he says "that wife just let him get into bed all sweaty like that? no." hahahhahaa

9. i debated on wether or not to share this with you guys. because i'm selfish and want to hog my new obsession all to myself...but then i decided to be reasonable. so here you go: the Mossimo Linen Drapey V Tee from Target. it's oversized, soft as butter, 12 bucks and the most perfect tee i've ever owned.

10. i will leave you with this picture from our last trip to CA because i love it so much. Gemma quite literally driving Miss Daisy:

Wednesday, March 19, 2014



i'm feeling a little haggard. we've had a rough string of days/nights. i think the 2-year molars might be to blame. she's chewing on everything and refusing to nap during the day. and there are many angry wake-ups in the night (FOURTEEN ONE NIGHT. fourteen). my wonderful sleeper is now a werewolf. and we're both so tired. little snippets of sleep here and there isn't good for anyone! last night i had a dream that Gemma was a twin. there were literally two of her. i woke up in a panicky cold sweat. terrifying. anyway, i hope this is a phase and it passes. because otherwise i'm going to die.

and of course, because timing is cruel, JJ is off on a work/play trip (torturing me with pictures of in n out and blissful full nights of sleep in a king size bed) and so it's just me and Gemma and Cleo. last night at bedtime i realized that we were out of milk. ksahdfkjsd so i took Gemma to the grocery store in her pajamas. and we came home with milk and ice cream (for me to eat in bed while watching Frasier reruns reading) and popsicles (for G's achy gums/teeth). this morning the first thing she said when she woke up was "eye keem? pock-sickles?" the child never forgets anything.

so popsicles and yogurt for breakfast it is! because i just don't care. popsicles totally count as one fruit serving anyway.

can i get a fist pump from the other #haggardmothers out there?

Friday, March 14, 2014


striking a pose in Disneyworld while the oblivious idiots around me get on with their business

ye old blog! i've missed you. isn't it annoying when i say i'm going to be around here more often and then i don't appear for weeks? what a flake, L. ghoddddd. no excuse this time except that my brain is mushy. anyway, i'm here. for now. i'm settling in to write now. i'm all cozied up on my couch with Gemma and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. we're in our jammies on this cold gray day. also we are eating oyster crackers and stale cheese because grocery shopping is overrated.

so, here we go!

can we talk about sinus infections for a sec? i've never had one before this week. in fact, i very rarely get sick at all. but when i do, it's always a terribly dramatic affair (like the stomach flu on a camping trip. how unlucky?!?! all you ever wanted was a running toilet when you have the stomach flu. i had a bush. A BUSH. and it took me years to be able to eat licorice again after that. but ANYWAY) i always kind of thought sinus infections were a farce. like no, just blow your nose harder, you're fine! but really sinus infections are the absolute worst. just the worst. never have i been in so much consistent and agonizing pain (and i had a baby!)--the pressure was unbearable. also, i now own a neti pot and know how to use it without drowning myself. but the neti pot didn't solve my problem. i had pain everywhere! behind my eyes, my cheeks, my jaw and teeth, my ears--even my neck. sinus infections are not for the faint of heart. i literally couldn't get out of bed on Wednesday because of the pain. i watched 3 episodes of House and two movies (What's Your Number? ((a hilarious and vastly underrated flick)) and Crazy, Stupid Love) that day. not a bad line-up, but still. i wish i had been swatting Gem's hands away from the toilet or something like a regular day. JJ was a peach and worked from home so he could care for both the child and me. and by 7 p.m. that night he proclaimed "i am exhausted! it is hard work doing everything alone! i don't know how single parents do it." word, JJ. word.

anyway, i finally went to urgent care because i couldn't get into the regular doctor. i hate urgent care places. why are they so gross? and can someone please tell me why are they always sandwiched between a Ross and a methadone clinic? i walked into the grungy place and the guy behind the desk had a neck tattoo--A NECK TATTOO YOU GUYS. actually he had three. two Chinese symbols and a cartoon shamrock. and the medical history form i filled out was way more concerned with my possible drinking and drug problems than it was with the actual reason i came into the godforsaken facility in the first place.

but i shouldn't complain about this place too much. because they prescribed me a power antibiotic that has killed the monster in my sinus. it has also killed my GI tract, but we won't get into that.

any other sinus sufferers out there? i feel like i'm part of a club now that i've been through this. my face is still sore, but i'm on the mend. i'll be ship shape in no time.

and that is the story of my bum sinus. Mickey just did the hotdog dance, i'm out!

p.s. a friend sent me this week's LOLcat. and i'm obsessed with it. i love that people send me LOLcats now.

p.s.s. i did a guest post on my fave (and pretty much only) DIY project on Pretty Wednesday! check it out.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

the morning

february 13, 2014. day 76,743,839 of rain.

7:18 a.m. wake up.
7:30 a.m. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. (OHHHH TOOOOOOODLES!)
7:34 a.m. split a sleeve of ritz with G Money
8:15 a.m. shower
9:33 a.m. post office (which is strangely in a bowling alley)
9:47 a.m. library
9:48 a.m. back to car. library not open until 10.
9:50 a.m. laugh at two goons (pictured above) playing and watching library truck unload books.
10:00 a.m. stand at door to library.
10:01 a.m. enter library one minute late. librarian: get your shit together.
10:14 a.m. forced to leave library because Gemma's farts smell so disgusting.
10:17 a.m. grocery store. great deal on raspberries.
10:42 a.m. home.
10:45 a.m. a rousing game of kick the ball.
10:53 a.m. think to self: wtf it's not even 11 a.m.?!
11:02 a.m. read Pat the Bunny several times. (does anyone else want to barf on the page where Paul smells the flowers? ohmygodddddd it stinks! like old baby powder).
11:29 a.m. lunch. cheese sandwiches and raspberries.
11:54 a.m. naptime.
12:03 p.m. make salsa and heart-shaped tortilla chips (!!!)
1:30 p.m. while tortilla chips are frying, laugh ass off at this video:
2:37 p.m. finally done in kitchen. holy shit. took forever.
2:38 p.m. sit down.
2:39 p.m. Gemma wakes up.

Friday, February 7, 2014

what's inside my brain right now

1. pictured above is Gemma's reaction to the teensy tiny snow flurry we had this week.

2. thanks for the words of encouragement on Gem and toddlerdom! i started the book and found a quote that made me laugh out loud because it's so true: "There are times when parenthood seems like nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you." --Peter De Vries

3. my ads on Facebook are all about dieting. wtf? i never told you i wanted to lose weight Facebook! so rude.

4. JJ shut the blinds the other night and Gemma said, "good girl daddy!" we about died laughing.

5. our MMM play area acquired a new pet. is it the most disgusting pet ever. a white hamster with beady red eyes. if i was a little kid i would be terrified of that monstrous rodent (i had flashes of bunnicula when i first saw it. bulghhhhh. bunnicula scared the shit out of me in elementary school). but these two girls are so into the hideous creature. sorry girls, neither of you will be getting a hamster for your birthday. (do you see him there? all huddled up in the left corner? yulllk!)

6. WHY is it that gorilla glue never sticks to anything but my own fingers?!?! it's so irritating.

7. to my dear friend Mel who brought us Jimmy Johns today: i. love. you. I LOVE YOU

8. Gemsie has a real chore now: she feeds Cleo. we let her do it once and now it's her job--she gets so pissed if anyone else tries to do it. this is obviously a huge help to us, since she never spills or anything.

9. i had a dream i was friends with Spiderman! i woke up disappointed. i really want to be friends with Spiderman!

10. Narcissistic Hansens:

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Temper Tantrum Gem

after the colossal meltdown at Fred Meyer because i wouldn't let Gemma ride in the car cart (i'm the meanest! but really though. the car cart is the WORST. it's like the navigating a god damn zamboni around the store. also i am positive it has never been cloroxed once):

and the battle we had this morning over a vitamin. A VITAMIN. and she loves vitamins. she asks me for them everyday, "buy-tah peasssthe?" she got mad today because i told her to eat it. and she doesn't enjoy doing things i tell her to do.

and at Target, when she refused to be anything but a surly turd:

it was time. we marched right out of Target and into Barnes & Noble to buy a parenting book. i even told Gemma she could pick out a new book for herself! and so naturally, she ran away from me, up and down the aisles yelling and pulling books from the shelves. i caught up to her and told her never to run away from me (also, it should be noted that a woman and her baby came down the aisle we were in while i was trying to teach Gemma this important life lesson. literally she was standing so close to me that we were touching. C'MON LADY, LET A SISTER DISCIPLINE HER KID IN PEACE AT BARNES & NOBLE! ghoddddd). anyway, G obviously ran away again. so i said fuck this shit snatched this book real quick, scooped G up in a football hold (she responded by pulling my hair and screaming) and stood in line to purchase my book.

there i was, the woman i never thought i would be. the one holding her rabid monkey of a child while standing in line to buy a parenting book. such irony, isn't it?

she screamed all the way to the car, and i silently strapped her in. i started the car, and just as quickly as she had escalated to crazy, she turned the sweetness and charm right on, asking for her music to be turned up, "hi mommy. sew-man peasssthe" (that's the song Snowman in the Summer by Caspar Babypants in case you were wondering). it's astonishing how fast she goes from asshole to adorable. it really is.

i'm not sure what i hope to find in the parenting book. encouragement? answers? Dr. Harvey has never met a Gemma Julianne Hansen before. how in the hell would he know how to deal with her explosive temperament? i consider my parenting style to be pretty laid back. and i have often times thought to myself, "oh yeah, L. you got this. you're so easygoing. let Gemma be who she wants to be. you're so good at this!" but now my assuredness is wavering. as my little girl's personality continues to develop, the more of a wild card she becomes.

i bought the book to guide me through this new phase of life, but i'm not sure that a book is what i need. this is a learning experience for both of us. i need to embrace and accept this fiery little strong-willed human. and she needs to embrace and accept the fact that i am her mother and also the boss. somewhere in the middle there, we'll figure it out.

Friday, January 31, 2014


1. the Sodastream is a REAL game changer. our life has improved tenfold since i hooked that shit up. SPARKLING WATER ON DEMAND.

2. i am on a REAL roll here you guys. today i made soup. and roasted vegetables AND chocolate chip cookies.

3. my boobs are REAL (like you ever questioned it).

4. Gemma is REAL bad at taking care of her baby:

5. i'm REALly excited that the little debbie heart cakes are back on shelves for Valentine's Day!! except JJ cruelly emailed me this while we were sitting next to each other on the couch and i was stuffing one into my mouth. rude. whatever. i don't even CARE. i will keep on eating them. SUCK IT sodium aluminum phosphate!!!!

6. the love i have for a couch that isn't mine is so REAL. we went to West Elm yesterday with our friends M&M and i sat on it and never wanted to leave. i have to prove to JJ that we need this couch. like we need it REAL bad. thus far in the JJ Is Convinced Department: -800.

7. i didn't buy a couch yesterday at West Elm, but i did buy this mug. so happy with my purchase. except that the little gold heart makes the mug non-microwaveable which is just not REAListic in the slightest, since i zap my coffee 7 times every morning.

8. i'm REALly terrible at keeping up with Gemcake's baby book. my friend Sand is incredibly diligent about doing her daughter's and she inspired me to work on G's. so i cracked it open last night for the first time since she was 4 months old and spent hours going back into my phone and instagram and my five-year diary to see when the F she said her first word, took her first steps, etc. i eventually filled out "your mother sucks" in the blank spaces for her height and weight from months 5-9 because i never wrote it down. at least i'm honest?? 

9. for once in my life i decided not to be a cheap ass and bought the actual Paul Mitchell hairspray instead of the generic copycat at Sally Beauty Supply. and it smells REAL good. i may never go back to generic. which means that i probably never should have tried the REAL stuff in the first place. 

10. the Super Bowl is REALly this weekend. and then football is over! yay!
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