Thursday, April 9, 2015

Palm Springs in Pictures

The Hansens Eastered in Palm Springs this year! and let me tell YOU--it was a bit different than the last time i went. the last time i went, i got two things: 1. drunk and 2. a tattoo. 

we had the best time! such a nice warm getaway. let's do a little photo montage, shall we?

for some reason i have yet to understand, JJ booked our flight for 8 p.m. Gemma and Beau traveled in their jammies and i was in sweats. JJ showed us all up by wearing his jeans. jeans on a night flight? i can think of very few things worse than that. anyway, we had enough time to grab Qdoba in the airport (and kicked ourselves for not going to Beecher's instead. 100% failure on our part). 

Gemma has entered an "i only make obnoxious faces when i see a camera" phase. and Beau is obsessed with food. o-b-s-e-s-s-e-d. 

by the time we landed and gathered all of our shit, it was 11 p.m. and everyone in our party was being an asshole. 

we all fell into bed at JJ's parents house, and left bright and early in the morning for the Springs! 

we stopped at In n Out for a nice healthy brunch at 10:25 and had to wait in the car for 5 minutes until they opened. #fat.

after our delicious meal, we stopped off at CGU in Claremont where i used to work and i pointed out the building where my office was:

me: "you see children, back when Mommy had a brain, she used to work right there! all of the students came to Mommy's office to pay for their school." 
Beau: "dadadadadadadadadadadaaaaaa!"
JJ: "what's Scripps again? is that the all-girls college?
me: -__-

then i made JJ drive by the strip club with the clever signs:

heh heh heh...i love that sign it never disappoints.

we didn't have the time (or the care) to visit our old shitty apartment in Rancho Cucamongross, so we waved at the exit from the freeway. 

and then we sang some songs and watched the giant windmills and pointed out all the pictures on the billboards and before we knew it, we were in Palm Springs! i had to use Ye Olde Ladies Room in a very bad way. so JJ pulled over at Target and i ran inside and:

basically started crying. NO! NOOOOOO! beads of sweat formed along my brow line as i raced next door to the Sports Authority. no public restrooms. MOTHER F. I HATE EVERYONE. i crawled desperately back to Target with every intention of using the men's room, just as the cleaning woman was exiting the women's room. i could have kissed her. 

after that hideous episode, we drove to the house. where we promptly changed into our swimsuits (and Gemma promptly removed hers) and went out to the pool. she prefers a good old fashioned skinny dip.  

Beau partied the afternoon away.

and while they slept, i enjoyed a bit of peace and quiet.

slowly but surely, the rest of the Hansens arrived. we ate a delicious dinner and put the kids to bed and stayed up late chatting and drinking wine and laughing at JJ's dad, who was snoring on the couch.

the next morning, Gemma woke up in a top notch mood. 

JJ went golfing with his dad, brother and brother-in-law, while the rest of us parked it by the pool.


bud light lime > all of the other beers.

kids crash so hard for nap time after a morning playing in the sun. which is so great for mothers who want to lay on a pool floatie for 3 hours drinking beer.

JJ snapped this pic of me which would have been great were it not for the bottom of my boob hanging out of my swim suit top. honestly, L. some things never change.

Beau woke up from his vacation naps before Gemma so we had special pool time just the two of us. my sweet little Bullbeauzer loves the water.

after nap we all just hung out in the sun, letting our vampirish Seattle skin absorb the vitamin D. Beau gets real pissed if he's playing with something and drops it. like SO PISSED. in this case it was that water bottle. look at Gemma. she's all judgy, looking down her nose at Beau with that cookie in her hand. rude!

the evening was more of the same. good food, good people, good conversation, bed time. Beau slept in the laundry room across the hall, and when JJ and i checked on him before bed, we heard a scuttling of some sort. bulghhhhh!!!! definitely a creature alive in the laundry room with Beau.

after much arguing, it was decided that the noise was most definitely coming from the trash can and that JJ would most definitely be the one to remove the trash can from Beau's room.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE CREATURE WAS?! IT WAS A COCKROACH. OH, GOD. A COCKROACH. WORST CASE SCENARIO. unless of course it was a scorpion. or a coyote. ok so it was the third worst case scenario.

when you find one cockroach, that means there are actually 7 million cockroaches, so we got Baby B the fuck outta there. it took us a while to fall asleep that night. we kept scratching phantom cockroaches tickling our arms. asjdfkdfhdsfjkdfjsfljkdf

and then we woke up and The Bunny had been!

and also a family of rats had apparently visited JJ's hair.

off to Mass we went. but the church was full to the brim.

so we sat outside, but there weren't any speakers. so we couldn't hear anything.

so we took the obligatory Easter pictures...

the grandchildren minus one sweet baby girl who was dearly missed!

before turning around and heading back...wait for the pool!

the kids napped...

while i accepted from my nephews the challenge of jumping onto and landing upon a floatie in the pool. my brother-in-law captured this incredibly flattering and badass photo of me looking extremely athletic. 

we went to Tommy Bahama for dinner before packing our suitcases.

the next morning we drank coffee before saying our goodbyes, and got on the plane home to rainy Seattle. we all went to bed early that night, dreaming of the sun. and Gemma woke up the next day with pink eye and an ear infection. dammit.

cheers, Palm Springs. until we meet again.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

come home

heyo! what's good in the neighborhood? wait. isn't that the applebee's slogan? no, no, that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. how did i even know that? CATCHY JINGLES, I TELL YOU.


i'm barely surviving over here. JJ is in Sacramento for work and the kids are just finally getting over the longest sickness there ever was. after Gemma's complaints of "dere's bugs in my ear. BEES! GOING BUZZ BUZZ! can you get them out mama?" we took her to the doctor. terrible ear infection. the next day Beau started wheezing like a 95-year-old smoker, so off to urgent care we went. he got hit with the RSV/bronchiolitis/ear infection trifecta of destruction and a follow-up appointment on monday threw in an eye infection for free.

JJ left in the midst of this, to sunny California where he was blessed with 9-hour nights of sleep and fine dining and i want to punch him. i'm over here eating boxed macaroni and perma-wearing my onesie.

all while keeping two kids and one dog alive! i'm frazzled. i even forgot it was Lent. and it wasn't until i wiped the crumbs off my face from eating two (haters gonna hate) cake pops in my car that i remembered i gave up dessert for 40 days. they were so good though. hard to regret.

so did any of you watch Friday Night Lights? i watched the pilot episode yesterday and then asked JJ if i should stop and wait for him to get home so we could watch it together. he said yes. but i'm the worst and kept watching. once again, hard to regret. noteworthy: Minka Kelly is The Prettiest Person.

JJ finally comes home tomorrow, and i can't wait to:


so i can watch more Friday Night Lights.

while JJ has been gone, his kids were busy excelling at life:

Beau ate (and fell in love with) food.

and mastered a new skill.

while Gemma perfected the art of dressing for spring weather in Seattle.

and pulled down her pants (and also stepped in dog shit which impressively spread itself around to the likes of me, Beau and her baby doll) at the playground.


come home, JJ. we need you.

p.s. i had to write a short note about my parents dog. ol Lola passed away. we got off on the wrong foot when she was a puppy--that hyper, neurotic pain in my ass. but gosh i grew to love that dog. Gemma loved her too. we told her that Lola went to go live at God's house where there are lots of treats and a big backyard for her to run around in. cheers to you, Lola.

Lola, Gemma & Cleo. summer 2013.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

mother learns

often times i find myself surprised by the things i've observed and learned as a mom. i thought i would periodically share these bits of wisdom with you guys:

1. i used to get very annoyed at JJ for using so many wipes during each diaper change. like guy, come on, you don't need 6 wipes for one clean, hard log of a turd. but i've really turned over a new leaf regarding this judgmental thinking. it's like come on, L. wipes cost $3/pack. use as many wipes as you think you need to get that little butthole nice and tidy. #worthit

2. if i offer Gemma a specific snack, she will say no and request something else. if i want her to eat that specific snack, all i have to do is to eat it first. scenario goes like this:

Gemma: "Mama please can i have a snack?"
me: "Yes! OK, do you want a cheese stick?"
Gemma: "no. i want jellybeans."
me: "you cannot have jellybeans."
Gemma: *acts like life is over*

10 minutes later, we are rushing out of the house because we are late and also i didn't have time to eat breakfast. so i grab 2 cheese sticks and leave.

in the car, i open the package to the first cheese stick.

Gemma, whose ears can hear the opening of any plastic wrapper within a 5-mile radius: "what's dat Mama?"
me: "it's a cheese stick."
clever and quick me, pulls out second cheese stick: "here you go, darling."

3. sometimes...sometimes a successful day's work means you resisted the urge to lock the 2-year-old outside in the rain and smile a very satisfied and smug smile from inside.

4. using the phrase/kind-of-lie, "maybe not today, maybe tomorrow" is the best response to the ridiculous requests Gemma makes on the daily (i.e. "mommy let's buy those black cookies!" *points at oreos in costco*) it's perfect because it keeps her from throwing a fit by filling her with (false) hope that the costco-sized oreos will be coming home with us another day soon. except i think she's caught on to the phrase/kind-of-lie's purpose of distracting the requestor with ambiguity. because now when i ask her to clean up her toys or get into the bath, she says, "ummm maybe not today, mommy."

5. an errant baby sock floating about in the diaper bag makes a great makeshift breast pad.

6. "it's just a phase" is my favorite affirmation. it has calmed me during many panic-stricken moments. it really does apply to just about any situation...from Beau's sleepless nights to that one time when Gemma tried to bite off Beau's pinky finger and i was afraid that meant she was going to turn into a serial killer.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

"nap time" // 7

is the text i sent to my mom this morning.* and it has sort of set the mood for the day. i'm so tired and coffee did nothing to help me. and now it is nap time and no one is sleeping. because i tried to put them both in their room at the same time for nap. i had the monitor on, and i watched Beau fall asleep. yes! but then i watched Gemma shout sing and throw books on the ground and smack her baby doll against the wall in a very earnest attempt to wake him up. and she succeeded. so i moved Beau into my room to give The Wild One free range of her bedroom. this is what she's currently up to:

oh hai you little tyrant!

when i pushed the button to speak to her through the iPad to say, "Gemma get your fanny back into bed," she responded, "MOMMY! just don't! i can't believe it. i can't believe it. i just can't believe it." 

she hasn't been napping well for the past two weeks, and i fear greatly that she is growing out of the nap phase. HELP MEEEEEEEE.

also, how do i get both of the children to sleep peacefully together in the same room? HOW?! i'm flummoxed. kids share rooms all the time! and kids have shared rooms for centuries! this cannot be that difficult. am i missing something? 

*answer key: Baby Beau did not sleep well last night and i'm in bad shape as a result. 

Sunday, February 22, 2015

outfits by Gemma // sunday

ah. the last day. G went out with a bang! i wore my Sunday Best: a multi-colored polka dot skirt and striped skull shirt. with leopard shoes. she is not afraid to mix prints, that one! to top off the look, she added a green hoodie and a hat. WOWZA! lookin' good, L.  

we had a blast this week with our little project! i have to say, i'm looking forward to getting back into my usual mom uniform of jeans and a t-shirt, but i definitely think this won't be the last time i let my daughter dress me. sometimes after a particularly long day of frustration with a naughty toddler and time outs and no nap and meltdowns and yelling (etc. etc. etc.), i go to bed feeling like a real asshole. i worry that Gemma may only remember Mean Mom who makes her leave the park and doesn't let her get doughnut holes at the grocery store. but this--this was fun! and i want Fun Mom memories to outweigh Mean Mom memories. letting Gemma pick out my clothes for a week was the perfect time for Fun Mom to shine! and it also made our day-to-day routine a little more exciting and special. i think all moms should let their littles dress them every once in a while! 

skirt: Ann Taylor Loft, tee: Betsey Johnson, hoodie: Juicy Couture, shoes: Target, hat: Billabong

Saturday, February 21, 2015

outfits by Gemma // saturday

okay okay okay. i'll be honest. Gemma didn't pick out this entire outfit. i know, i know. boo, L! but i had a bridal shower to attend! i let her choose the dress. and she chose a very loud, very seasonally inappropriate dress. it is also not easy to nurse in. i had to hide out topless in my friend's bedroom (too many ruffles and tight straps and zippers!). anyway, after G picked this purply salsa number, i really didn't want to risk it being paired with leopard tights, so instead of giving her free range, i gave her options to choose from. i let her pick from any of my black shoes and black sweaters and i let her pick my earrings (large silver hoops that Beau thought were teething rings).

i was going to dress myself for the bridal shower this morning and let G pick out my outfit for later today, but i knew she would love looking through and choosing from all of the dresses that are usually tucked away under my bed. i simply was not brave enough to show up wearing an entirely created-by-Gemma ensemble. but even though i had to rein her in a bit for today, this is still an outfit i would not have otherwise chosen to wear to a bridal shower in February.

as i was leaving, i said to Gemma, "aren't you so special?! you got to help Mommy pick out her outfit for the very special and important meeting!" (i couldn't say the word "party" because she would have lost her shit if she'd known she was missing a party) and she grinned and looked so proud. it was so sweet.

dress: Erin Featherston for Target (old), sweater: Frenchi

as i walked out the door i said, "JJ! Gemma is still in her pajamas! if you leave the house, make sure you get her dressed!" and so while Beau and i were gone, JJ and two friends took her out for pizza. in her pajamas. "it's fine, she's wearing a tutu," said JJ.

glitter. everything's better with glitter. in case you were wondering.

Friday, February 20, 2015

outfits by Gemma // friday

today my outfit was very eclectic

Gemma grabbed these pants first thing and i nearly cried with excitement. after wearing a dress with boning that barely zipped yesterday, these swishy genie pants were a welcome change. next came the Victoria's Secret "i only kiss Dodger fans" t-shirt. oy. this thing is like wayyyy tight. a snug-fitting, midriff-baring tee that i hang onto for two reasons: 1. because you know, just in case i go to another Dodger game anytime soon and 2. because JJ's Facebook profile pic for the last 800 years has been this:

and we were at a Dodger game together and my hair is dyed black and we're young and cute and JJ's fluffy hair peeking out of his hat and his red shorts and--DAMMIT L JUST SHUP UP. i am finding that i hold onto way too many articles of clothing based on sentimentality. 

anyway. she picked this shirt because of the "sparkles" (which are on the word "Dodger"). when my sister CA said to Gemma, "wow! Mommy's shirt is so beautiful! look at the jewels!" G got all serious attitude and said, "NO. dees are not JEWELS, dey're SPARKLES." things hang a bit...differently than when i was 22, so i was forced to suck in a bit today while wearing this shirt. also i feel like maybe this shirt is better suited for a single 19-year-old?

Gemma loves this flower crown and often times gets it out of my drawer for herself, and the Chewbeads necklace was a total thrill because i forgot i had it and Beauzerini munched on it all morning. the yellow flats are another favorite of Gemma's, she wears them all over the house. and i love this sweater. i think she picked it because she knows i love it, which is so sweet.

we went shopping at UVillage this morning with my mom and sister CA, and i was definitely feeling like a looked a bit crazy in some of the nicer stores we stopped into. i did get one full, shameless up-and-down look from a mom in the play area, but i have to say, after looking at these pictures that Gemcake took, i think i look kind of OK. a little edgy--like i am way too cool to even care that i don't match. yeah? maybe?

pants: Target, tee: Victoria's Secret, sweater: UO, shoes: Tory Burch, homemade flower crown

God only knows what my dear child will put me in for the wedding shower i'm attending tomorrow morning.
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