Thursday, July 24, 2014

what's inside my brain

1. ok Seattlelites, here's what you need to know: Hello Robin - Capitol Hill. homemade ice cream sandwiches with Molly Moon's. basically i need to like, move in. because it's THAT GOOD. just trust me and go there!!

2. re: the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer. how are we feeling about it? i'm just not sure they cast him correctly. i'm thinking he should have been more GQ Man and less Approachable Boyish Face...

3. i consider my love affair with mayonnaise to be borderline inappropriate. i'm always embarrassingly muttering "extra mayo please," at sandwich shops and looking down at the ground in shame as the lady at Costco rings up my 800-gallon jar of Best Foods. so i was skeptical of this new mayonnaise brand Just Mayo, but...OMFG IS IT DELICIOUS!!!!!!! i didn't even believe that it was actually vegan. but it is. and it's goooooood. ALSO, for you spicy mouthed people, is also comes in sriracha flavored.

4. it is STRAIGHT UP COLD in Seattle. rainy and cold. so we stayed inside today. and someone made this mess:

5. i was able to diagnose myself anemic before the blood test at the doctor's office confirmed it. isn't that amazing? you see, i was anemic in high school, and again during my entire pregnancy with Gemma (this time with JF2 i wasn't anemic until just recently). anyway, one of the side effects of my anemia is my strange craving to eat dirt. EAT DIRT. you guys, isn't that so weird and gross?! but it's a thing. a reallllll thing. so last week when all i wanted was to eat a spoonful of nice, fluffy clean dirt (oxymoron), i just knew it: i was lacking iron.

6. Very Important Public Service Announcement: before THIS could happen to me again, i have sworn off razors until post-baby.

7. that was the last straw, Kim K. NO LONGER FOLLOWING YOU ON INSTAGRAM. ghodddddddd, get over yourself.

8. we have started potty training. and really, i always found it disgusting when mothers would talk about potty training like it was the most amazing thing in the entire world when their kid pees in the toilet. but now i know that...IT IS THE MOST AMAZING THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WHEN MY KID PEES IN THE TOILET! i will spare you the boring details, but it should be noted that her first accident was a blueberry poop while she was wearing underwear with blueberries on them. so poetic!

9. also, while we're on the subject of Gemma growing up way too fast and fiercely, she no longer sleeps in a crib. she has fully transitioned into a real big girl bed. A WHOLE POST ON THIS LATER.

10. and since i am STILL talking about her...THIS OUTTAKE from G's photoshoot:

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

2 year old gemma jules

my mom has these photo books of all four of us girls that are the coolest! i love looking through mine when i'm at my parents' house, and comparing the differences between me and my Gemmie. the book starts with my very first newborn hospital picture, then for each month until i turned 1, there is a professional photo pasted on each page. after that, it goes by year. all the way until junior year of high school (senior photo blown up, framed and hanging in hallway ((white American Eagle blouse and hot pink fingernail polish!!!)), as all senior photos seem to be). it's just so amazing to physically see the growth and change in that first year of life, then each year after (6th grade get out of here--omg those glasses! that hard rock cafe jean jacket...THE UNIONBAY OVERALLS!), noticing things here and there (my mom NEVER let me get the neon lights in the background. how rude! also, good job, mom. those things are hideous. just hideous. the year i begged to have my pictures done at a photo studio instead of using school pictures, so they could digitally re-touch my face to delete my acne. BRACES! the year i wore my dance team uniform. the year i grew out my bangs!) that flood my soul with the bits and pieces and memories that made my childhood intrinsically mine, ya know? it's an absolutely wonderful stroll through yesteryear each and every time i look at that book.

which is why i'm so mad at myself for not being better about creating hard copies of Gemma's life. i mean, it's easy to be like "YEAH, i document my kid's life! i have an iPhone! and Instagram!" but really, i don't do much in the way of photobooks. i intend to change that. it's on The Great List (of shit i have GOT to do before the baby comes). i never got around to having professional pictures of Gemma taken each month, and originally i had thought it ridiculous to have her photos done even every year, but WTF c'mon L, you have a very dear friend who also just happens to be a photographer who captures magic. HOW LUCKY! why NOT have Gemma's pictures taken once a year?! 

and so we waited for a sunny day and went out to this wonderfully woodland area (srsly, we totally expected a wild bunny to hop across in the background--it was so perfect!), and Sandi spent literally four minutes with Gem in a dress and a crown snapping these pictures below (this does not include the time she spends editing of course!!), and when she sent them to me, i was so so so happy i asked her to take them. i now have physical pictures to illustrate and remember exactly who my Gemma is right now in this time of our life, down to every little detail (the tongue out as she concentrates! her "CHEEEEEESE!!" face, the little chipped-polished fingers holding up the skirt of her dress, the face she makes when i say "Gemma..." in a warning tone that means "DON'T YOU DARE EVEN THINK OF RUNNING AWAY FROM ME RIGHT NOW, CHILD"). in those four minutes of Sandi snapping, my whole world, my Gemma, is forever captured just as she is at 2 years old. 

and now this post has gotten so sappy! motherhood, man. dammit. 

without further adieu, the pictures that i won't shut the hell up about!!! a million thanks to my Sandi, who is just too good.

Sandi's daughter Isla also happens to be Gemma's little gal pal. she snuck in for a few shots :)

Gem's dress: Gap, sold out
Gem's belt: J.Crew (like 8 years ago)

Friday, July 18, 2014


blurry little lovebird babies who had just gotten engaged in Rovinj, Croatia back in June 2008. (thanks to my friend Moon for taking this ((albeit shitty quality)) most favorite photo). we are so young and JJ is so happy. i love love love it! 

and now we are all grown up and mature and today marks five years of marriage! i really do love where life has taken us. we got a little Foxy Cleopatra doggie, we've done a little moving from here to there, we bought a little cream puff house, we had a little Gemma, and another little baby is on his/her way. i feel very lucky to be stuck with this wonderful, crazy asshole! 

JJ's parents and one of his sisters are coming up to Seattle tomorrow, so we have a nice long afternoon-into-evening date planned for Sunday.* but tonight...tonight we feast on pasta roma and partake in a phase10 tournament!

how about a vain little black and white trip down memory lane because i just love looking at our wedding pictures. it was the best day, and i would do it all over again in a heartbeat! (well actually no. i would skip the part where i trip and fall down the stairs one hour before the ceremony, breaking the strap off my dress and screaming "FUUUUCK!" in front of JJ's great uncle, Bishop Joe, who presided over our wedding and is pictured below). 


 *the traditional anniversary gift for five years is wood. just please. i'm anticipating the penis-themed gift already.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014


this was the snapchat i sent out this morning.

Gemmie and i were running late per usual, and i (AGAIN. when will i learn?!) took my prenatal vitamin too quickly before my breakfast had time to digest and settle. so while G was sitting on my bed flipping through the pages of the book i'm currently reading on my iPad (she loses my place in the book like every 4 hours hkjsadfkhasdfkhj nothing more frustrating!), i was sitting on the floor of the bathroom telling myself that i WOULD NOT PUKE. mind over matter. mind. over. matter. and i didn't. then i stood up and walked back into the bedroom, which is precisely when Gem chucked her own book (The Prince's Bedtime- great book FYI), and it sliced my ankle with it's sharp corner before hitting the floor. i yowled "GOD DAMMIT!" in pain and shouted at my child, "NO NO NO GEMMA DO NOT THROW BOOKS! ESPECIALLY AT MOMMY! NOT COOL!" which is also when i noticed that my bedroom window was open and my neighbor was walking by as i was yelling.  argh! caught in the act of being an asshole mom is the worst.

then i threw on a tshirt (that says "i'm so broke" which is entirely true) and stretchy shorts and we left the house. and by the time i actually looked in the mirror i was like WTF THERE ARE A FAMILY OF BIRDS (PERHAPS RATS, EVEN) LIVING IN MY HEAD. my hair was ridiculous. just absolutely ridiculous.

and you know, i haven't used a brush in like 7 years. really, it's true. isn't that terrible?! and i think maybe it's time. it's time i bought myself a brush. but the problem now is that i want a Mason Pearson. but c'mon, $150+?! FOR A BRUSH?! i realize it's made of boar hair or whatever. but Mason Pearson acts like boars are extinct and their hairs are worth their weight in gold. first of all, boars are disgusting. secondly, don't they run rampant and in abundance in Indonesia? i might as well catch one, cut off its hairs and make my own GD brush.

but really, the only reason i'm whining is because i really want one now and i can't have it (refer back to the tshirt i am wearing today).

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

25 things

shitballs, i know. it's been a long time, ye old bloggeroo. today i was thinking to myself "i should write in Gemma's baby book." and usually i'm all "nah, it's fine. i put her milestones on the blog, so i'm covered." WELL I HAVEN'T BLOGGED IN AGES. so basically it's like all of these things that happened never actually happened. they are perfect and wonderful things that disappear like a whispering wind (note to self: Disappear Like a Whispering Wind is great name for romance novel) if i don't document them. for instance, i didn't share the story of Gemma's first full sentence ("oh SHIT, mama. that's hot!" when i set a bowl of soup in front of her) or about how my 99 cent tomato plants are growing at an incredible rate (i'm practically a farmer now) and i got so mad at Gemma for plucking the biggest tomato off before it was ready (i still ate it. because, like, C'MON, it was my first ever tomato that i grew with my own two hands! also, it was gross. because it was green still) or about how Gemma loves to jump off the diving board.

so anyway, this isn't an empty promise to myself that i'll blog more often, but dammit, i need to blog more often! so here are 25 things. 25 things that we've been up to this summer.

1. we picked raspberries at a family friend's house and they were so wonderful and fresh and delicious. and Gem was eating them faster than we could pick them. 

2. we've been enjoying lots of swimming pools! this was taken at my friend KKiss' parents house. this was also the first day she jumped off the diving board. 

3. Gempop is obsessed with all the cows that ever existed. "HEYGUYSLOOKCOWS" and "WHITECOWRUNNINMAMA" and "OOHLOOKATDATCOW" is all we heard on our 4-hour road trip to Oregon last week.

4. G had her first s'more. it was a hit! she likes them deconstructed better than as a sandwich, though. also, it should be stated here that we now make s'mores with reese's peanut butter cups. YOU GUYS. stop. stop using Hershey's. use the peanut butter cups. GAME. CHANGER. you will never look back.

5. i went to my 10-year high school reunion. and i was pregnant. i mean, terrible planning on my part. but it was such a wonderful time. all of my old drunk classmates drinking Busch Light out of cans and rubbing my belly all night long until 1 a.m. was perfectly intimate and oddly comforting. there's just something about growing up in a small town!! and it was also the first time the Fab5 (and the babies!) have been all together. 

6. on rainy summer mornings, G likes to put on her rain boots and hoodie and take her baby for a walk on the deck.


8. Gemsie got her first real salon haircut! $30 for like, 3 snips. but whatves. it looks SO much better. she got to pick out a movie to watch (Winnie the Pooh) during the 4 minutes it took to trim off her mullet. right before the woman started, G shyly looked up at me and said, "mama hold my hand" and she hung onto it the whole time. it was the cutest thing in the world and i almost died.

9. we were in a 4th of July parade!

 she was so adorable in her little red, white and blue outfit. and so were JJ and Cleo. the picture below was taken right before G insisted on walking Cleo down the street by herself. then she tripped on a crack in the sidewalk and fell into some bark, yelling "DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! CLEO!" for all to hear. and it wasn't even Cleo's fault. it was her own fault. but Cleo is used to getting blamed for many things.

10. corn on the cob. lots and lots of corn on the cob. 

11. farmer's marketing.

12. Cleo got a haircut and while we were waiting in the PetSmart parking lot, JJ let Gemma drive. but she really wasn't interested in driving. she was interesting in rolling down the windows, honking the horn 800 times and turning up the volume of her music to 5,000.

13. accidental and hilarious selfie.

14. road trips!

15. JJ paddle boarded  for the first time! (i tried, but my belly wouldn't let me balance).

16. these two pals! (we were in Sunriver for a family reunion and had so much fun. Sunriver is the best!)

17. just getting some sun on that big ol belly.

18. cranky. while we road trip, Gemmie insists on listening to her own music. but she won't let us sing along. she puts her hands out and shouts, "STOP. DON'T SING DAT, GUYS" #rude.

19. today marks the first day of week 28, the beginning of third trimester. WHAT?!?!!! this pregnancy has flown by. FLOWN. i just don't even know where the time goes. i have purchased a small handful of new baby things and i put them into a drawer last night and realized that i totally have a color scheme going on and i didn't even mean to! it's fun to hold little teensy tiny baby things in my hands, i just can't wait for the him/her to get here! well, actually i kind of can. because we have a lot to do before then. BUT REALLY, we are so excited! also, for the record, i think boy and JJ thinks girl.

20. ICED MOCHAS! galore. the Nespresso machine is the best thing that ever happened to me. (also, my iPad in the background reminds me: if you need a new book to get hooked on, the All Souls Trilogy is so addicting! like a mix between Harry Potter and Twilight with elements of history and classic literature and science all twisted together. the third book comes out this month! also FYI: it's cheaper on the Kindle app than iBooks.

21. outdoor summer concerts with BFFs! we hit one up this morning. there was lots of booty shaking (and snack eating and children running away and being naughty and moms kind of wishing we had leashes for the animals children) and clapping and adorableness.

22. beach days! full of sandy buttcracks and sandy sandwiches. and also duck chasing.

 23. because summer=eating watermelon outside in the grass. DUH!

24. i'm growing out my bangs. >SIGH< for the 8billionth time. i always get super pissed off when they reach my eyes, and then i cut them. BUT THIS TIME I'M NOT GIVING UP. the prenatals are making my hair grow fast, so i'm sticking to it! on the way home from Sunriver, while reading in the car, i searched high and low for a bobby pin to pull them back, but couldn't find one. so i used one of Gemma's bows instead. and she was absolutely NOT OK with it. "DATS MIIIIIINE BOW MAMA, NOOOOO!" and sobbed and sobbed. and i was like, "actually, it's mine because i bought it. also you need to share with me and be nice." but she just continued wailing. sometimes it's just SO HARD being a two-year-old, ya know?

25. i golfed! well, i putt-putt golfed.

and there you have it. the Hansens have been keeping busy! talk soon. xx

Thursday, May 29, 2014

G is two

Gemma is 2! TWO! she's 25 pounds now ("that's a quarter of the way to 100, L" said JJ pensively), is going to start drinking big kid 2% milk and says "i luffoo too mommy" when i tell her i love her. she's as strong as an ox, is a little turd, and gives the loveliest kisses.

we blew up 20 balloons the night before her birthday and in the morning before she woke up, i said "JJ we gotta go put the balloons in her crib!" and he said, "be right back, gotta poop real quick." A FULL 30 MINUTES LATER, he came out of the bathroom and she was already awake, but we brought in the balloons...she was still so excited, even though it wasn't a surprise. and i suppose this pink balloons in her bed on her birthday thing is a tradition now, since we did it last year too!

JJ made waffles with whipped cream and raspberries for the birthday girl.

and then we took her to Petco for her Big Birthday Surprise! she got to pick out any fish that she wanted! well actually, any Beta fish that she wanted. we had our sights set on this fat goldfish but the Petco lady was all "you'll need a 20-gallon tank for that one" so we like threw it back in the water and grabbed a Beta instead. G picked out blue and green gemstone rocks for the bowl, we grabbed a 100-year supply of Beta food, and we went to checkout. then the cats for sale caught JJ's eye and he took Gemmie over to see them. i paid for the fish things and they were still loitering by the cats, so i went over there. that's when JJ turned to me with sad, worried eyes and said, "L. this is a 7-year-old cat. let's buy it. no one else is going to. i want to save it." HE WANTED TO BUY A USED CAT YOU GUYS. i was like, "NO guy, we are not buying an old fart cat today. besides, if you really want an old fart cat, we can bring Chanel back home to live with us." that got him to be quiet, but i like had to drag him out of Petco. he kept stealing glances back at Old Cat until we were out of the parking lot.

i asked Gemma what her new fish's name was and she said, "Daddy Fishy." which is what she calls him. i kind of have hurt feelings.

and then we had to go to Discount Tire because SOMEONE SLASHED MY BACK LEFT TIRE (actually, the tire man said it was probably an impact slash from hitting a curb. whatever, what does he know anyway?! i'm a good driver!) and G ran amok in the place until she settled in to watch some PBS on my phone while i got really into an old I Spy book that was in the magazine rack.

then we went home, made the spaghetti sauce for dinner and she went down for a nap. i made chocolate chip cookies and cleaned the house. when she woke up, JJ came home and we went for frozen yogurt! the young man who worked at Menchie's did a magic trick for us and gave Gemstone a balloon.

and when we got home, she opened presents! 

we got about 8,642 FaceTime calls, and then our good friends came over for dinner and we indulged in the spaghetti feast! at which point Gemma decided she no longer likes spaghetti. kasjdhfsahkjdfah JJ bribed her to take a bite with the promise of cookies for dessert, then she finished her spaghetti.

we watched the Kings choke in double overtime (can the hockey season just. please. be. OVER. already?!?!) and birthday girl checked on Daddy Fish before settling into bed.

it was a wonderful day.
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