Thursday, August 21, 2014

what's inside my brain

1. for every asshole blog post, there is a wonderful moment like this one, all snuggled up with her tiny little hand on my belly. it was barely captured before she launched off the bed in search of her next mission of destruction:

2. we went to the Caspar Babypants concert (we are lucky he's a Seattlelite!) on tuesday (note: when i told JJ we were going, he got all sad, "what?! i want to go!" hahahahahh! his music is so catchy!) and it was nothing short of a ZOO. a literal zoo. so many children. but it was so much fun. we have every one of his albums and know all of his songs by heart. if you have kids, check him out! anyway, after the concert was over, Gemmie was an absolute mess. just done. i don't think i've ever seen her this tired:

hahahah! classic toddler face.

3.  i am 33 weeks pregnant now. what?! like, it's almost the end. although, along with my movements, time seems to finally be slowing down. i'm getting uncomfortable, and my back hurts. wahhh! still smaller than i was with Gemmabeast, but definitely feeling large and in charge. i'm at the point where people feel like they have to say something to me about my belly. literally cannot go anywhere without comments. mostly people ask when the baby is due. i tell them, and they respond, "oh wow! you've got a ways to go!" and i'm all "fuck you very much" "yes, yes, heh heh. still have a bit over a month!" anyway, we are starting to get extra excited around here! lots of nesting going on! and omg this baby moves so much, it's ridiculous. always flipping around like a little alien in there. Gemma gets so excited every time. "e baby movin' mama?!"

hahahahaha my bra hanging from the closet doorknob in the background. 

4. POTTY TRAINING UPDATE: we went to target in big girl panties today. (well, obviously i did. but you know who i'm referring to here) it was a success! i put a hand towel in the cart seat just in case, but no accident! then she went tinkles in the big potty in target and we shouted and cheered and high-fived right in that disgusting, smelly bathroom! i let her pick out whatever candy she wanted as a reward and told her how proud of her i was. during nap time i heard her tucking in the stuffed animals, saying "i tuck you in, kitties. i so proud of you." *awwwwww*

5. regardless of how you feel about the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, it's working. JJ lost his Grandma to ALS in 2012, so when i was challenged, JJ asked me to do it in memory of her. of course!


6. i saw a review of this Sally Hansen Miracle Gel system in the September issue of InStyle...and i'm DYING to try. InStyle gave it a great review, so i'm holding out hope! only problem is that it doesn't come in my signature Pat On The Black shade...yet.

7. nobody likes offering as much as Gemma likes offering.

she stands and holds the envelope straight out until it's her turn to drop it in the basket. and she's pleased as punch with herself when she's done. so proud. she was so pissed when we showed up to church just that one time without offering. she was like "moneyyyyy! MAMA! DADDY! MONEYYYYYYYY!" and we were all red-faced and embarrassed for being called out by our two-year-old, searching our pockets for one measly dollar bill. kid keeps us honest.

8. you know you're a Dad when...

JJ had his last hockey game this summer and got home very late. he also must have gotten a battle wound, because in the morning i rolled over and giggled. he had two little girl band-aids on.

9. Taylor's new video and vibe. LOVE. she is just out of control awesome. G and i have been listening to it on repeat and having dance parties NONSTOP. also, this. THANK YOU.

10. i signed Gemma up for a mom and me ballet class this fall. i have literally been dreaming of this since the moment i found out she was a girl! little teensy weensy ballet shoes and leotard?! gahhhh!!! i'm excited that it will be something special for just her and i to do together. i just really hope she likes it. probably not. she'll probably be like "F this shit. i want to do wrestling instead."

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

"nap time" // 4

she's licking the wall in this one.

we have a real licking problem on our hands. she licks everything and everyone. examples: the security table at the airport (I MEAN, THE ABSOLUTE WORST. she had like 4,874 people's germs in her mouth after that one), the arm of anyone she loves, and also the arm of anyone she doesn't love (i.e. strangers in line at Taco Time).

we think she picked up the habit from Cleo. and nothing irritates me more than when she licks me. i lose my shit. i usually shout "STOP IT! THAT'S DISGUSTING GEMMA!" and she laughs until i put her in timeout. now when Cleo licks her, she shouts, "STOP IT! THAT'S DISGUSTING CLEO!" the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, i guess.

Friday, August 15, 2014


look at G! that smug little turd!
waiting for AAA.


today was a day. and it's not even over yet. it's only 3:26 p.m. and i'm sitting in my bed googling "why is my two-year-old an asshole?" 

it all started with the Legos. the god. damned. Legos. Gemcake wanted to play with them. great! so we got them out and started playing. as with most things, after 6 seconds she grew bored and started kicking them around the living room. i told her if she was done, she needed to clean them up, not kick them. which obviously only made her kick them harder. i told her if she didn't start cleaning them up, then she would get a time out. *continues kicking Legos* off to time out. where she screamed and screamed and screamed. and got up and walked over and screamed in my face. back to time out. more screaming. etc. etc. etc. the windows were open this whole time (come to think of it, this may be the reason why our neighbors with the young baby are so standoffish. OH JUST YOU WAIT, NEIGHBORS. YOUR CUTE LITTLE BABY WILL TURN INTO AN ASSHOLE, TOO). 25 minutes later, after she had finally placed the last Lego in the basket, she was ready to get dressed for the day.

next item on our agenda was an innocent trip to sephora. you see, i had accidentally left my little plastic bag filled with "liquids, gels and aerosols" behind at security in the airport yesterday. what an idiot! in that little plastic bag was my foundation! MY FOUNDATION YOU GUYS! foundation is one modern luxury that i cannot live without, so off we went to buy some more. once we hit the freeway, my tire pressure light came on. not 20 seconds later, my front driver's side tire was completely flat. so i yelled, pulled over and pounded the steering wheel with my fists and cried. G was very concerned, and sweetly said, "your tire broken, mama?! OHHH NOOOOO!" then i put on my hazards and called AAA to come and rescue me. which they did, and the man was very nice and let me and Gemma stay in the car and sing songs while he changed my tire. he also caught Cleo and saved her dumb ass from sure death when she leapt out of the trunk as he was getting the spare tire out.

Gemma was very polite to him, and shouted "thank you, man!" out the window to him when he finished, and i was proud of her sweet little self for being so considerate. GOD, L. YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD MOM FOR TEACHING GEMMA SUCH WONDERFUL MANNERS!!! THIS DAY HAS REALLY TURNED AROUND! YOU ARE RAISING AN ANGEL AFTER ALL!

we pulled into the mall parking lot, and i couldn't decide if i should get the stroller out or not. i decided against it, reasoning that G would be just fine to walk to sephora and back by herself. WRONG, SO WRONG. when given the choice of toddler freedom and a wonderful invention that literally traps the child to a seat that is easily pushed, one must always choose the latter. Gemstorm refused to hold my hand "no! i hold my own hand, mommy!" and walked at a snail's pace the entire way to the makeup store. at one point i picked her up to hurry things along, and she kicked and screamed and punched and spit in my face. i mean, SO rude.

she threw a fit in sephora when i wouldn't let her steal a purple eyeshadow. like, no. c'mon, you can't just shoplift, Gemma Julianne! i ended up dragging her to the car because she lifted her feet and refused to walk when i made her hold my hand. it was a chilly and rainy morning in Seattle, but i was sweating like a warthog in Africa by the time we got back to the car.

we got home and i asked her if she needed to tinkle in her potty, to which she replied "no." i headed to the toilet myself. she followed me in there as she always does, then proceeded to stare coldly and directly into my eyes as she peed on the brand-new bathroom rug. WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK?! like, i cannot even deal.

i was entirely over her bullshit antics at this point. so i put her down for a nap.

30 minutes later i heard her kicking the wall. i went in to check on her and saw that she had decided to rip up the (beautiful and expensive) dream catcher that is hanging above her bed.


so i beat her with a stick told her if she was going to act like a baby and ruin special things, then she could sleep in the crib like a baby. which is where she currently remains, finally asleep.

there are terrible things happening in this world. absolutely terrible things. i know this. and i try and remember to count my blessings when things are shitty for me. because things are a lot shittier for others. but sometimes, when all i see is red rage, it's easy to forget those blessings. namely, The Blessing of a tiny human whose fault it is that i'm pissed off in the first place. i love my little girl very dearly, but my GOD is she an asshole. sometimes i find myself frantically scouring amazon for parenting books for The Answer, but there isn't one. i've just got to shut the hell up and continue to try my best to raise a decent person.

cheers to the parents of assholes everywhere.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

what's inside my brain

1. i bought a new duvet cover with birthday money i received from JJ's parents (thanks to my parents for the matching shams! and the new jeans that i pray will fit after JF2 comes out, AND for the Uggs. only you guys, they weren't really new Uggs. the new Uggs didn't come in time, so my mom wrapped up her old Uggs as a way of showing me that mine were on the way hahahahahh), and now i have the bed of my dreams. JJ even approves of the hearts, which is a complete and total win.

2. i have issued a strict no-pants policy for myself around here. just, no. NO MORE PANTS. dresses when i'm in public...and at home, i just close the blinds.

3. speaking of no pants, have i talked about my nightshirt yet? i can't remember. and i'm too lazy to go and check. in any case, i have this nightshirt. those closest to me know alllll about my nightshirt. i picked it up on clearance at Target and i'm 100% obsessed with it. it's big and loose and periwinkle in color and also it has a little charming breast pocket. it makes me look like a glorious little old lady and it's so RIDICULOUSLY comfortable! i wear it to bed for two nights in a row, and then i immediately wash it on that second morning so that it's ready to wear to bed that night.

4. do you have Nextdoor? basically i hate it because it alerts me of any and all break-ins within my neighborhood which in turn makes me dream of night abductors. BUT, occasionally i get emails like this that make me laugh so hard:

hahahahahahahhahahahaha WHAT?! like a bearded dragon was just strolling down the sidewalk and this guy just happened upon it?!

5. right before we left for a road trip on Friday, i said to JJ, "JJ! i am making sandwiches for the road! do you want one?" and he said, "no, i'm not hungry." so i made myself and Gemma sandwiches, and we ate them in the car. and then an hour later SOMEONE said, "OMG L I'M SO HUNGRY!" (naturally) and so he got himself a burrito bowl from Chipotle. and i was so pissed because I WANTED CHIPOTLE TOO, only i was full from my recently-eaten sandwich. why was i the one punished because i was responsible?!?!?!? so i narrowed my eyes and watched him eat his delicious meal. what a turd!

 also Cleo is hilar in this pic. standing guard over the Chipotle bowl. 

6. "GET THAT POPCORN OUT OF YOUR PANTIES!" add that to the list of things i never thought i would ever have to say.

7. we went to the Washington coast (Westport) last weekend with our friends who have a cabin there, and we just had the best time. we are so grateful for this family who have been navigating this parenting journey with us, and who just get where we are in life because they're right in the same spot as we are. we love you, Lipes!

these two little girls and their Dads!!

8. can't take a poop in peace anymore. alllllllways have a poop buddy. always.

yes. yes, that is my periwinkle nightshirt that i am wearing. 

9. Gemma doesn't understand why we can't see the Space Needle from our house. SORRY WE CAN'T PROVIDE YOU WITH THAT TOP NOTCH VIEW FROM THE LIVING ROOM WINDOW, CHILD! GHODDDDD.

10. if you like to laugh and are not easily offended, you need NEED NEED to follow thefatjewish on instagram. my cousin told me about his absolutely hilarious feed, and now i'm sharing the hilarity with you. take it and go. GO FOLLOW HIM NOW.


Thursday, July 31, 2014

a mother's night out

today we have been held hostage by the threat of a poo. you see, i want G's next one to be in her potty. so we waited around allllll morning for the damn thing to come...and it never did. our plans for the library were foiled on account of a hypothetical poop. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!

anyway, JJ and Gemma had a lovely father-daughter bonding evening last night (they went for a stroll to the playground, then to the beach, then to the candy store to pick out some more skittles for Potty Training Treats, then home for dinner and a bath. DAD IS SO MUCH COOLER THAN MOM, GHODDDD!) while i escaped for a dinner out with my Melissa. i picked her up on the side of the road like the hobo she is (long story), and then she treated me to a lovely dinner at Purple, got me a beautiful new picnic/beach blanket (my old one is ghetto and i always complained about it) and filled my evening with JUST the conversation and freedom that i needed. THANKS LISSA I LOVE YOU!!! 

baked brie and a glass of sparkling non-alcoholic wine!  

blow, L. 

new shoes.

but...this blog wouldn't be the blog that it is if i didn't have a weird anecdote to share with you though, now would it? 

so i used to have my bellybutton pierced. it was a terrible mistake i made at age 16 (THAT GEMMA HERSELF WILL NOT EVER MAKE!!!) but i just wanted it so bad. and really, how thrilling was it when Claire's got in a new shipment of bellybutton rings, AMIRITE?! anyway. i let it close years ago, but was left with a hideous scar to haunt me of that particular the one poor decision of my youth. when i was pregnant with Gemma, that scar stretched and got even more hideous with each passing week. and after i had her and my tummy "returned back to normal" (heavy use on the quotations, there), my bellybutton piercing scar hung there even more sadly than it had before. and this pregnancy, it looks as if my ugly old scar is just repeating the process of its slow and steady stretch, and its eventual sad and saggy decent downward (although, i do have to say: it's not stretching quite as stomach is significantly smaller this time around. i'm measuring right on schedule at 30 weeks. at 30 weeks with Gemma, i was measuring 5 weeks ahead, that little beast!). ANYWAY, last night while i was getting ready to go out to dinner, i felt a sting on my tummy. i looked down to see that my bellybutton piercing scar was bleeding. BLEEDING YOU GUYS. and i yelped and complained to JJ and he said, "that is so gross and weird. why?" (so helpful, as always) and i was like "I DON'T KNOWWWWW! WHATTTT IS HAPPENING?!?!?!" i'm thinking that maybe the baby kicked it just in the right spot to make the skin split open or something?? who effin KNOWS?!?! it was time to go to dinner though, so i ran to the bathroom to slather on some neosporin and pop a bandaid on it and was out the door. 

and in the car on the way there, i pulled my dress up above my belly, because obviously. clothes are just so restricting when you're 7 months pregnant! and also Melissa wasn't in my car yet, so it was ok. and i looked down at my belly and just started laughing. because i hadn't paid any attention to what bandaid i had actually picked. I HAD PICKED A MUSTACHE BANDAID. i just couldn't stop laughing (which in turn, made my tummy shake like a bowl full of jelly just like Santa Claus. and i laughed even more) LOOK AT IT YOU GUYS!!!!!! my bellybutton has a mustache!!!!!!


Wednesday, July 30, 2014


yesterday was my birthday! i'm 28 and very adult-like now. and it was so hot that i put on a bikini. my neighbor's chickens were probably horrified at the sight. anyway, my smile is fake in that pic. because SOMEONE was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad friend all day. who spit in my face, refused to nap, and broke the new picture frame i got for my birthday. by 5 p.m. this was the scene: a toddler dressed only in undies and a ball cap, sobbing on the hardwood floor because i asked her not to lick my arm for the 700th time. all day i kept saying to Gemma, "it's my birthday, you have to be nice to me," but she did not give a rat's ass what day it was. 

highlight: the morning started off nicely...we went to my doctor's appointment (and scheduled my c-section!!), then picked JJ up from the airport (a bachelor party followed by a business trip in LA, we were so excited to have him back!) and he worked from home for the rest of the day. 

highlight: i got a birthday package from my friend Sam: new swaddles for JF2! you know you're a mom when you get excited over a birthday present that is actually for your unborn child. my friend KitKat also sent me a maternity sundress last week for my birthday and i practically passed out from excitement because it meant i would have something new to wear! thanks you guys! loveyaaaa!

and so, instead of going out to dinner to celebrate my birth and meet up with friends for dessert as we had planned (since a massive 2-year-old eruption of exhaustion and hatred was sure to happen), we spent the evening sitting on the couch watching bubble guppies and eating a baguette and cheese and also one king sized kitkat bar that i did not share. and then (another highlight!!) JJ gave me my presents: one ice cream cake and tickets to Disneyland (including one night in a hotel) in January! i'm so excited!!

this morning we had a fun little backyard playdate with our friends Sandi & Isla, and right now i am eating more ice cream cake and watching some GemmaTV.


Monday, July 28, 2014

a few of our favorite things: potty edition

disclaimer: for those of you who don't have children or who just don't give a shit about potty training, you might want to just skip this post.

potty training is going great! big girl panties are Miss G's most favorite thing! although peeing in the potty seems to come more naturally than pooping in the potty for some reason...?? her accidents consist mostly of shitting her pants instead of peeing in them. she wears big girl panties at home (we haven't braved the public in them yet, 50% because i don't want to deal with a Target Poo, 50% because i don't think she's quiiiiiite ready. i'm debating on disposable training pants or training underwear for our outings) and diapers when we are out, or when she's sleeping.


playing while waiting for tinkles.

anyway, i thought we'd share a few of our favorite potty training things if you happen to be in the same place as we are!

1. Big Girl Panties: a cute little book to get little gals excited about wearing undies. G loves this one.

2. Method Minnie Mouse Hand Soap: we wash hands about 8,000 times a day right now. Minnie is a fan favorite in our house so this was a no-brainer. and also it smells delicious. plus Gemma loves that it's foamy.

3. The Potty Book for Girls: if you're only going to get one potty book, this is it. covers all the bases (i.e. the new potty, accidents, new undies, etc). it rhymes and is perfectly, adorably appropriate. 

4. Mini Boden Bunny Undies: these god damn things are more expensive than MY OWN UNDERWEAR. i did a ton of research (i just realized that i'm crazy, who spends their spare time researching children's underwear?! OMG!!! GET A LIFE, L!!!) and finally decided on these babies--they are made to last. they come in a 7-pack (imperative for potty training beginners so you're not doing 58 loads of laundry a day), they run a bit small (imperative for my toddler's skinny butt), are made of a thicker cotton than the tissue paper Dora the Explorer Hanes (imperative for tinkle leaks). plus they are the cutest ever. LITTLE BUNNIES?! i mean, come on. also i found a discount code when ordering online, which made them a little bit cheaper.

5. Hoppop Donut Potty: cutest little teensy weensy potty there ever was. our bathroom is very small and has exactly one place for a wee potty chair to fit. i love this one. very simple and clean design, and the insert is very easy to remove and rinse out.

6. Candy! we are on Sugar High Central over here. G gets one piece of candy for every tinkle in the potty and two pieces for every poopsie in the potty. and she goes. a. LOT. i can't figure out if she really has an active bladder, or if she she is just trying to go as often as possible to get more candy. sometimes she squeezes out like a teardrop of pee. but alas, a tinkle is a tinkle. she's reward-driven. we have smarties, reese's pieces, gumdrops and skittles for her to choose from, but skittles win out almost every time.

7. Potty: this book is hilarious. it's simple and fun and Gemcake has it practically memorized. 

8. sparkly star stickers: i got ours from the dollar section at Target, but these are the same. we have a little potty chart, and Gemma gets to pick out a star and put it on the paper each time she goes in the potty. she favors the orange ones for some reason.

9. Even Princesses Go to the Potty: this book was a gift from Mimi, and it's perfect! it explains how all different kinds of girls and grown-ups go to the potty. 

there you have it, our potty faves. most are books...Gemma likes to read them over and over and over again. best of luck to you and yours in your potty training adventures! 
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