Friday, December 5, 2008

kiss of death

because i have been cursed with pink eyes and the plague, my fiance JJ is absolutely repulsed by me and refuses to kiss me. could it be the runny snot that has formed a permanent trail from my nostrils to my upper lip? (lovely) or maybe it's the outfit i have been wearing for the past 3 days: my pink bathrobe, purple slippers and GIANT (and i mean GIANT VS undies from the 7th grade that have roses on them) ?? who knows. but he wont kiss me. he sits far away from me and just sort of pats me on the head...even our dog cleo gets more attention. which pissed me off at first. then i just laughed. because i got to thinking about all the kisses i've ever had. . .

Aunt P. Kisses. i have to start with Aunt P. Kisses. she loves kisses. her fave was right after a ciggy, puckering her lips and putting them square on yours. and you would have the taste of smoke and wet n wild lipstick in your mouth before you even knew what had happened. 

my first real kiss was age 16 (i know i know but i was awkward during childhood... replete with huge purple-rimmed glasses, bangs that were always too short because i cut them myself and braces.) the first kiss was with my first "real" boyfriend S.M. he drove me home in his red car and pulled up to my front door. he leaned over and i remember thinking "this is it" and then we pseudo "made out" in his red car. i said "thanksfortheridehome" and ran inside.........dry heaved once and washed my mouth out. i was so disgusted and appalled. then the wave of panic. what's wrong with me? EVERYONE likes kissing right? so i called my friend LJ and said "OMG kissing is the most disgusting thing in the world. i cant do it ever again. what's wrong with me? how do i dump him?" she said, "don't dump him yet! you have to try it again...it will grow on you."

grow on me it did. later that sophomore year, B.C. (more commonly remembered as "Sex God") became my boyfriend. i remember telling my friends, "i am so going to be able to tell my kids i dated the hottest guy in school." they totally agreed. but anyway, we went to the Winter Ball together and afterwards we went to a friend's house and made out for like 25 minutes. B.C. had facial hair and gave my cheeks a red rash. but it was worth it because he was B.C. we had a good run. then he broke up with me right before Valentine's Day....obviously i wore black to school.

D.B. came over to my house to watch a movie and placed his Hanes Socked Feet on the coffee table. i lost interest immediately, but stuck it out. when i walked him out to his car, i was glad it was over....but then he asked if he could kiss me. before i could say "no" he pulled me to him and planted it right on my tight awkward lips. we ignored each other for 3 days in biology class. 

next comes E.B. in his mother's house. in the basement. while watching Space Jam. i had just eaten a purple grape popsicle. he leaned in to kiss my cold purple grape popsicle lips and i burped purple grape popsicle into his mouth. he must have liked how it tasted because we dated for 3 years. 

in college all my kisses are just a crazy blur. except for one. my first kiss with JJ. we were just friends. for Halloween he dressed up as Gilligan and i was a sailor. (ON ACCIDENT!!!) after 3 vodka-Hood Juices (Hood Juice = Tampico, you know, that juice that's like 97 cents and comes in the gallon jug) i realized how "AMAAAZING" it was that we matched, that i decided we needed to get a picture. so i did. then i pushed him (he claims rather roughly for scrawny arms) against the wall and kissed him. my bff Sam tried to stop me with the cap gun that was her cop costume accessory, but to no avail. what can i say? JJ was (is) a good kisser.....


.....but he wont kiss me today. 



3 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. hahahhaha! grape popsicle? eww i hate grape flavored stuff-thats not even how a real grape tastes.

    well my first kiss was a slobber. it was when i was 16 years old too (wow late bloomers stick together) and it was slobbery and awful and i was thinking "ewwww".

    it was with a boy named rhino. that was his nickname but it might as well have been his real name because it fit.

    i was so nervous after the kiss when my friends told us it was time to leave and go home- that i jumped up in a panic (i felt so weird and wanted nothing more than to get home and be away from him) that i left my pink purse on his bedroom floor.

    our next kiss: in the back of a van where he slobbered on my neck and i gagged at the smell of his spit. the wind from the open window blew on my neck where the spit was, making it feel cold. sick

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  3. we have "dated" or fantasized about/had crushes on a large percentage of the same people. which basically means we're sisters. right?

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