Saturday, December 27, 2008

NYE is ridiculous.

i had a wonderful Christmas. besides the triple-shot hot buttered rum, the chinese crested dog purse and the explosive rrhea in the airport.

there is truly nothing more depressing than the month of january. Christmas is over and there's still 5 feet of snow on the ground and the sneaking perils of the ice. at this point theres not much to look forward to....only VDAY. and we all know how single women feel about VDAY. then after that, March 17th with the awful green outfit and the guiness, then comes Easter...then Cinco de Mayo which isn't even American-- just an excuse to binge drink in a sombrero....you see where i'm headed with this? nothing tops Christmas, man.

especially New Year's Eve. this is the single most overrated event ever. women spend tens if not hundreds or even thousands of dollars in preparation for this "holiday." necessities include:


1. dress with some sort of sparkly feature, 2. black shoes, 3. two bottles of champagne....per female, 4. a mental list of top 5 prospects for the midnight kiss, 5. "omg i have the most perfect playlist for tonight!!!" and let's be honest, we all think ours is the best, 6. a stay-positive attitude in case one of your friends has an "i'm a loser no one will kiss me" breakdown, 7. silly string, 8. some bullshit comment on how "my New Year's resolution is to lose 25 pounds" while drunkenly stuffing pizza in their face thinking that since it's NYE or "the last night of freedom," why the hell wouldn't they stuff their face with pizza? then when they get up in the morning they're so badly hungover that it's off to T Bell for breakfast, mumbling something like "i'll start my resolution tomorrow....." 9. "the perfect facebook profile picture oh my god!" 10. a cell phone ready to send text messages to exes that go a little something like this: "wishhd we nvrt brokppe upy. wna meetr up l8rr fur druink? mayBe morey?>/"

let me break it down for you::

one year i found Sam in bed with a gay man.

one year we drank Everclear.

one year i woke up in a t-shirt that said "who farted?" (accidental or on purpose? you decide...)

one year i wore white underwear (!!!!) with a black dress, and there are pictures that prove so.

one year i forgot my ID and was house-bound all night.

one year we spoke in a British accent all night.

one year i got pulled over on my way home the next morning.

one year KitKat was hit on by her husband's best friend.


(did i mention that absolutely ALL of those things happened last year??)

the hype. the money. the booze. the lack of inhibition. the absence of sophisticated decision making. no matter where you are or who you're with...NYE is just another night. pour yourself a glass of champagne, and make a toast with your loved ones:

"here's to forgetting all the stupid things we did in 2008."

6 comments:

  1. You forgot to mention that that one Sam girl cried and blamed her singlehood and lack of a midnight kiss on you and then pretended to act like she had a legit reason to be mad the whole next day, until you got pulled over and she felt bad for you. She's sorry about that by the way.

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  2. i know she is. that's why i forgave her and left her outburst out of the blog. hahahah rmbr how awk Qdoba was the next day becauase we were fighting?!?! hahaha

    and now kari will comment because i mentioned Qdoba. baaaahajdfjkh

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  3. Someday you will have your wish and all those awful NYE will be behind you and you will in bed by 10 pm, celebrating at 9 pm when the ball drops in NYC. Such is life for the old folks, but in the meantime, enjoy all those awful NYE (I did in my youth), I can even remember staying up all night!

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  4. NYE is nigh. I suspect JJ will stave your Graf/Lynch tendencies. Here's hoping. btw - I've found that the ability to say the alphabet backwards helps w/ the field sobriety tests. It goes like this:

    Can you please say the alphabet maam?

    Frontwards or backwards?

    Laugh, which ever you prefer maam [curious look in his/her trooper eyes]

    OK, Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T, S, R, Q, P, O, N, M...and so on.

    It helps to practice whilst inebriated. Gets you off every time, and they like you. "Get that taillight fixed tomorrow maam" "You bet I will, thanks for telling me about it - be safe" "You too maam". They also like to approach a car that is turned off w/ the window already down and the driver [and passengers] hands are all in plain sight [e.g. on the wheel]. They also like to be told of what you're doing next [e.g. "can I see your drivers license, registration, and proof of insurance?" "You bet, I'll have to get into the glove box for the registration and insurance card. Is that o.k.?"] Of course, coming from a risk management family, you should know good planning and self-awareness of your Graf/Lynch tendencies can circumvent the gauntlet known as probable cause by good planning and use of a little thing known as Tipsy Taxy. Be safe maam. We'd like you to be around for a good bit yet w/ an unburdened soul. E

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  5. clarification for E: i was driving hungover the next day...not drunk.

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