there is truly nothing more depressing than the month of january. Christmas is over and there's still 5 feet of snow on the ground and the sneaking perils of the ice. at this point theres not much to look forward to....only VDAY. and we all know how single women feel about VDAY. then after that, March 17th with the awful green outfit and the guiness, then comes Easter...then Cinco de Mayo which isn't even American-- just an excuse to binge drink in a sombrero....you see where i'm headed with this? nothing tops Christmas, man.
especially New Year's Eve. this is the single most overrated event ever. women spend tens if not hundreds or even thousands of dollars in preparation for this "holiday." necessities include:
1. dress with some sort of sparkly feature, 2. black shoes, 3. two bottles of champagne....per female, 4. a mental list of top 5 prospects for the midnight kiss, 5. "omg i have the most perfect playlist for tonight!!!" and let's be honest, we all think ours is the best, 6. a stay-positive attitude in case one of your friends has an "i'm a loser no one will kiss me" breakdown, 7. silly string, 8. some bullshit comment on how "my New Year's resolution is to lose 25 pounds" while drunkenly stuffing pizza in their face thinking that since it's NYE or "the last night of freedom," why the hell wouldn't they stuff their face with pizza? then when they get up in the morning they're so badly hungover that it's off to T Bell for breakfast, mumbling something like "i'll start my resolution tomorrow....." 9. "the perfect facebook profile picture oh my god!" 10. a cell phone ready to send text messages to exes that go a little something like this: "wishhd we nvrt brokppe upy. wna meetr up l8rr fur druink? mayBe morey?>/"
let me break it down for you::
one year i found Sam in bed with a gay man.
one year we drank Everclear.
one year i woke up in a t-shirt that said "who farted?" (accidental or on purpose? you decide...)
one year i wore white underwear (!!!!) with a black dress, and there are pictures that prove so.
one year i forgot my ID and was house-bound all night.
one year we spoke in a British accent all night.
one year i got pulled over on my way home the next morning.
one year KitKat was hit on by her husband's best friend.
(did i mention that absolutely ALL of those things happened last year??)
the hype. the money. the booze. the lack of inhibition. the absence of sophisticated decision making. no matter where you are or who you're with...NYE is just another night. pour yourself a glass of champagne, and make a toast with your loved ones:
"here's to forgetting all the stupid things we did in 2008."