Thursday, December 4, 2008

Sharting

for those of you who dont know what sharting is....check out urbandictionary.com for a few examples.

in response to my Paul Turner blog, my grandfather sent me an e-mail saying, "I love it Lacie – you’re a good writer, but this old fashioned guy just can’t get excited about the expression “almost shit my pants”, especially when it comes from my lovely, first grandchild." to which i responded simply "on the contrary my dear papa....i have, on more than once occasion, shit my pants."

i have stomach allergies. to wheat, gluten, eggs, sugar, milk, cheese, pineapple and lamb. that is my excuse for sharting on the upside of 5+ times per year. (the + will remain a confidential number) my bff Sam has some of the same allergies. she too, has had some sharting issues...my favorite being the time at the wax museum in Vegas when she was conveniently wearing yellow and brown camo shorts precisely the same color as her shart. tee hee!

then this morning one of my good friends Rah (Names have been changed to protect confessor's identity) sent me a text that said she too, had a case of trouser chili this morning.

perhaps the most interesting and peculiar thing about sharting is the fact that every person has done it at least once in their lives, yet we are all completely ashamed about it. and if you havent, well then...eat one meal at the mongolian grill and get back to me. (My First Time was in high school spanish class. i quickly excused myself and raced home going 65 mph in a 40...only to pass my dad on the way. he called me saying, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING SPEEDING LIKE THAT? AND WHY ARENT YOU IN SCHOOL?!?!" i squeeked (squeeked because you and i both know you can barely afford a whisper when you are a shartuation. (situation+shart) "dad. i sharted at school." my dad, being a requent sharter himself, cleared his throat and mumbled, "oh.......well.......good luck with that.")

sharting is something none of us are proud of. my dad's personal mantra is "Never Trust a Fart When You've Got the Hershey Squirts." but the bottom line? it happens. SHIT happens. so carry an extra pair of undies in your handbag....i promise you that it will prove to be more beneficial than you can possibly imagine. you do not want to be caught in a potentially hazardous (hazardous to your favorite jeans, to those around you, to your health, to your reputation, etc) shartuation.

the (fart. excuse me.) end.

3 comments:

  1. how did no one comment on this?? seriously.

    i died laughing right in the middle of my study group and then had to read it to them (law students apparently don't appreciate this type of humor). and i launched into the defensive you know you've done it lecture.

    and they have. everyone has. why is this so taboo? we all do it. let's just get it out there. if you say you haven't you're lying through your skid marked, shit stained panties. you're human, you shit your pants. who cares. we do it when we're little, and then again when we're old, so you do it a few times in between. big deal.

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  2. haha. i love this one. and correction, SAM was at new york new york. i laughed, it was awkward, then we rode the rollercoaster. apparently this happens all the time because it did not phase her. and thank god for old navy camo shorts. bahahaha.

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  3. Im glad I went back in history for this one... I am also glad I know who SAM is and can picture her squirming in the yellow & brown shart-o-flage shorts

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