Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Ladies Man

remember how i have to check on all the residents every morning to make sure they're alive? well today, Dick in 733 didn't check in, and he usually does. so i called his room. no answer. little nerval. when my bff Dee came down, i asked her if she saw Dick since they live like 5 apartments away from each other. she said no then told me a story about how she couldn't find a bra this morning (LOL).

i called the nurse to tell her about Dick being MIA. then 5 minutes later Dick himself comes out of the elevator following Dee. Dee had a firm grip on his polyester blend collared shirt and said, "look what i FOUND!!!!" and i said "oh Dick! there you are! i'm glad you're ok."

he said, "what? i didn't check in this morning?" i said, "yeah! and i called you, but you didn't answer." Dick said, "well, did you check all the ladies rooms? that's where you might have found me." then he stuck his finger in his mouth and touched it to his butt making a "tsssss" sound. Dee blushed. hahahahahahahahahahhhh still a ladies man at 80 years old.

Drug & Alcohol Policy

so the HR guy had a mandatory inservice today for all employees about the new drug and alcohol policy.

one of the new changes is "RW reserves the right to perform random drug tests via salivia swab, urine samples, hair follicles, blood samples, etc...and if there is reasonable suspicion, RW reserves the right to do personal searches (i.e. purses, lunch boxes, vehicles, etc.)." of course i asked, "WHAT KIND OF SAMPLE DO WE HAVE TO PROVIDE IF RANDOM DRUG TESTING IS CONDUCTED?!?!" because i was freaking out about having to give my blood. like, NO YOU MAY NOT TAKE MY PRECIOUS BLOOD. IT BELONGS IN ME. TEST ONE OF THE OTHER FREAKS. the answer was saliva swabs. phew.

anyway, when HR guy was talking about all of this, you should have seen the miscreants i work with all shaking in their seats. like OMG DRUG TESTS?!?! CAR SEARCHES?!?!? WTF? I'M GOING TO HAVE TO FIND A NEW LOCATION TO KEEP MY METH LAB. it was hilar to see their faces. but also kind of scary. like, i work with a bunch of druggies and alchys.

so, me being me, i tried to lighten the tension in the room after the inservice. i leaned over to a maintenance guy who is probably a Drug Lord in his spare time and i said, "so, i uh, guess that means no irish car bombs at lunch then?" he just stared blankly at me. then my turtleneck got really itchy and uncomfortable and my cheeks got red and hot and nervous so i turned around and ran away.


Your Daily Dose of PN

7:15 shove doughnut in face while driving to work
7:30 arrive to work sporting new Gucci (NO BIG DEAL!!!!!) in exceptionally good mood.
7:33 bring the Wall Street Journal to the CEO's office. stop dead in my tracks and can feel heart actually turning cold and grey as i hear in an all-telling smoker's voice, "SWEETIE COME HERE."

christ. she's caught me. and it's not even 8 yet.

PN: "what is the name of that DVD of the gonzaga basketball? i want to buy it for my husband, and i'm at the online store."
L: (like, i have no fudging clue. i hate sports) "i don't know."
PN: "oh come on, it's like 'ten years of...excellence' or something."
L: "ummm...yeah. have you tried looking at the GU athletic website?"
PN: while shaking her hands at me, "YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME! I JUST TOLD YOU--I'M ALERADY AT THE ONLINE STORE kccckkkhhhh" (that last part is a sort of hacking sound she makes when she's annoyed).

7:45 she walks by my desk to the bathroom and comes out 9 minutes later (who spends 9 minutes in the bathroom??) and says "you need to have someone fix the broken light in the bathroom."

i'm going to put gum in her mullet and download porn on her computer.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

i hate pizza.

i hate pizza. like whatever. it gives me really bad diarrhea and makes me feel nasty so i don't really eat it. but this morning was weird...

i went to bed at 1 am. because we got home at 12:15 and then we opened one present and then we were watching the news about the terrorist asshole and then i couldn't sleep because i was bothered by the terrorist asshole. so i went to bed at 1 am. then i had to get up at 6:30 am. when i got up i spent 30 minutes on facebook and staring at pictures of Rah trying on her wedding dress. then i realized how late i was. and then i realized that i didn't even kind of have time for a shower. and then i realized that i haven't showered since we were in hawaii. then i just lost all hope for the day and put back on the outfit that i wore on Christmas. the outfit that i wore all day, even on the plane. and i just stink. but JJ even said to me this morning "hey, not bad for how disgusting you really are." then he made me a coffe and gave me a big kiss and said "HAVE A LOVELY DAY!" it was a miracle. a Christmas Miracle. he is never that nice in the mornings.

then i got to work. and pooped three times before 10 am. LIKE WHOA. that's a lotta poop. so i got hungry. i mean, there was nothing in there. so i ate a bag of chips at 10 am. i know, i know. so gross. then one of the maintenance men (the one whose zit i pointed out) asked me if i wanted to go halvsies on a pizza. i was like "YEAH. OK!" even though i don't even like pizza. and so the pizza came. and we sat in the lame employee lunchroom and ate the pizza. i got mushroom and green peppers and he got some meat gross supreme thing. the next thing i know i look down and 3 slices of my half are gone. i was like OMG DID I JUST EAT 3 PIECES?!?!?!?! i have never eaten 3 pieces of pizza in my life. i remember that one time when my friend Katelin at a whole medium pizza by herself in 8th grade and i remember being so shocked and really appalled. and now here i was getting a GIANT BELLY FROM THREE PIECES OF PIZZA. like, at least Katelin was smart enough to eat a whole medium pizza when her metabolism was at the speed of light. i am 23. the metabolism is slower. and though a generally thin person, i get a little Grinchy around the middle. (i.e. Jim Carrey as Grinch. see below)

thin but potbellied. see what i mean? it all goes to my stomach. i think i get it from my Pappy.

anyway, after the initial shock of the three pieces of pizza (i decided: one for each of the monster-sized shits i took this morning before 10 am. sounds good to me) i looked over at the maintenance man's side of the pizza. he could hardly finish one piece. i out-ate a man. That Is A Crazy Thing. A Gross Thing. I OUT-ATE A MAN!!!! A MAN WHO IS RUNNING AROUND ALL DAY FIXING FAUCETS AND SHIT. LIKE HE'S EXERCISING LITERALLY ALL DAY AND HE ATE ONLY ONE SLICE. I ATE MORE THAN HIM. i pushed my chair back and started to back away from The Scene. the maintenance man was like "WAIT DON'T YOU WANT THE REST OF YOUR HALF?!?!?!?!" and i was like FUDGE NO GUY! I JUST ATE THREE PIECES YOU TAKE THE REST AND YOU SHOVE IT WHERE I WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN. and i threw the $8 i owed him in his face and i ran away.

i hate pizza.

Christmas Bonus

i got a Chrsitmas Bonus. actually 2 Christmas Bonuses. but combined they equal one Giant Christmas BONUS. way better than Clark Griswold's certificate to the jelly of the month club.

i will tell you what i spent every last dime of my Giant Christmas Bonus on: it starts with "G" and ends with PERFECTION!!!!


wait for it....


A NEW GUCCI BAG! literally 30 minutes after i got my Giant Christmas Bonus i ordered my Gucci. and it is all mine. mine. mine. mine. i pick it up at the UPS store on Monday. and i'm so excited i could pee. PEE MY PANTS.

when i told JJ what i got he kind of just looked at me crazy-like. but then i kindly reminded him of the small fortune he spent on his hockey gear. he said "BUT i use that alllll the time" and i was like "no you don't. you don't use it in the summer. i will literally use mine every single damn day of my life. every season. every day. forever. because it is Gucci and nothing is better than Gucci" (except for maybe eating a bag of chips in bed).

and so, my friends, you all may have wonderful jobs and wonderful schooling and wonderful everything in life. but i have Gucci. i worked my ass off this last year and i deserve every thread of the Gucci. every moment of wiping poop (babysitting), and enduring weekends behind a desk doing absolutely nothing (RW) and tolerating verbal abuse (babysitting AND RW) has brought me to this fate. the fate, until a week ago, that i could have only dreamt about.

i might even go so far in saying: I LOVE LOVE LOVE MY JOBS

this is it:

isn't she bee-yoo-ti-full?

The Decor

RW has recently revamped the place. we have new decor that consists of a lot of fake plants and textured wallpaper. basically PN and the Big Fat And Rude Activities Coordinator picked the interior designer and he totally sucks.

like, in every lobby on each of the 7 floors, there's a table with these giant balls in a bowl. and the giant balls of crap that probably cost $15 a pop look like giant balls of weed. maybe i should steal a few and try selling them on the street to make a buck or two.

the artwork on the walls look exactly like my walls did after Chanel swiped them with diarrhea and the bird statue in the library really gives me the heebeejeebees.

BUT there is one realllllly great fabulous wonderful thing. that i love. love. love. love. forever. A NEW CHAIR in the library. it's my chair! my new chair! it is brown giant houndstooth with a blue pillow. and it's kooshy. and it replaced the wooden one i used to sit in while i ate my lunch. now i can snuggle up in this new chair and nibble away at my cheese sandwiches joyfully and just be happy forever. the chair is mine and i love it.

Quick Christmas

the red eye flight from Hawaii to California was actually not bad. i took a giant sleeping pill and slept like a babe. JJ's dad picked us up from the airport at 5 am and i fell asleep in the car. when we got home we took a 3 hour nap and OHMYGOD we had never felt so refreshed in our lives! Christmas in Camarillo with JJ's family was so short but a total blast! we ate SO much food. and JJ's sister Claude and i accidentally drank a whole bottle of wine before mass.

we got back to LAX on Christmas day at 6:30 pm. after all the fun and family and food and festivities, it came to a disgustingly abrput end. we were miserable at the thought of having to go straight back to work. we sat in the terminal, grumpy and tired and complaining of having to travel on Christmas. then a man with an extremely feminine voice came over the intercom and told us our flight had some first class seats available for $50. i'm not kidding you, before i could even turn to JJ to discuss it, he leapt out of his chair and ran BAREFOOT (totally gross) to buy us first class tickets from LAX to Seattle. THANK GOD. the leg room is immeasurable in first class. and we watched Christmas Vacation (obvi) and it was so perfect.

when we arrived in Spoke, we realized we didn't have a ride home. so we paid a thousand dollars for a taxi to drive us the .8 miles home and drop up off at The Gate (we weren't about to give the guy the code so he could break into our house and steal our TVs and/or Chanel), and we had to haul our suitcases at midnight in the cold to our MH.

then we exchanged one gift each (we are celebrating Christmas today after work with pressies and xmas music and tomato soup and bagels) and i handed him the Free Sound Machine That I Regifted From The Gift Exchange At RW, and he gave me Marc Jacobs perfume so i looked like a total a-hole.



Christmas Potluck & Gift Exchange at RW

ok i totally forgot to write about my work Christmas party. i have to backtrack to December 18. because it was so hilarious.

the administration office has a potluck and white elephant gift exchange every Christmas. obviously i didn't make anything. i went to Rosaurs and bought sugar cookies which were a total hit.

and i wasn't about to buy a nice gift. last year i bought VS body spray and this really cute notepad. and the woman who got it didn't even like it. so i didn't want to waste money on the dumb exchange. so at TJ Maxx, in the clearance aisle, shining in a little beacon of light, was a $4 ceramic duck statue. big. like the size of a real duck. i bought it instantly and laughed a Grinchy, maniacal laugh as i wrapped it up.

then came the day of the Christmas Potluck & Gift Exchange at RW. i brought my snowman sugar cookies and the duck. all wrapped up perfectly. little background information: Jaak, the COO, is as skinny as me but 6'9" and he's scandinavian, and his front two teeth overlap and he has a lisp and walks a bit pigeon-toed. he's not married, has a blue Mazda and a dog named Max. last year in the gift exchange he got all crazy for the Mama Mia DVD someone brought in. like, he screamed "I LOVE ABBA" and got all giddy when he got it. well this year, Jaak (pronounced Yok) had to leave early to take someone to the airport. so Pastor Gail, RW's own minister, drew a number and picked a gift for him. and she picked mine. so basically what was supposed to be a hilarious joke for some funny person, ended up being the COO's gift. and now i feel bad. because he got a duck. should i buy him a replacement gift with an apology note attached? maybe he'd like the Sex and the City movie...what do you think?

i, on the other hand, completely scored duing the gift exchange. i bought JJ this really cool sound machine (i.e. plays the sounds of the rainforest, the ocean, a heartbeat ((CREEPY)), or a rushing river) because since we live next to the freeway, JJ has a little trouble sleeping. and i hate falling asleep to the TV on. AND HOW ANNOYINGLY BRIGHT IS THE BLUE DIRECTV POWER LIGHT?!?! I MEAN SERIOUSLY. in the gift exchange, i got THE EXACT SAME sound machine i bought for JJ. so now i get to take back the one i bought him and buy myself something. cool, eh?

after the party i was just walking out the door and PN shouts at me "COME HERE!" i turn around. she is waving frantically at me. like i have my jacket on, purse on my arm, hand on the doorknob and she's yelling at me. i walk over to her. "come upstairs with me." then she literally puts her crockpot filled with nasty meat chili in my arms and puts her white elephant gift in my arms to carry upstairs for her. like, there are 20 other people in the room and she yells at me to help her. IT'S MY DAY OFF and she yells at me to help her. so while i struggle under the weight of her disgusting homemade meat chili, she lightly picks up the napkins and plastic cups. she says, "my arthritis is acting up today. and i have a bad leg. and a bad back." so i silently follow her upstairs. i set the crock pot down on her desk and turn towards her and wait for my tip. or even a 'thank you.' because seriously. i deserve something. but nothing of the sort comes. i stare at her one more time, trying to coax some shred of civility out of her. nothing. so i kind of slammed her door on my way out.


Hawaiian JAMS

oooh, where did i leave off? oh yeah, packing. for hawaii.

10 minutes before landing in paradise JJ says to me on the plane, "L, you have a moustache." i mean. i hate him. it must have been the way the sunlight was catching my upper lip, no? in the end i trimmed my "moustache" with fingernail scissors.

our bags made it and my mom picked us up. and we totally got the best condo in the place--the suite! my mom's crazy (et al.) family was there to greet us with strong rum drinks and hugs. we beached, ate, drank, woke up at 4:30-5:00 am, (well, i did. and then jumped around yelling and annoying everyone else) JJ golfed, we went to church, and celebrated Mimi and Papa's 50th wedding anniversary (which started with an 8:30 am family pic by the beach. Uncle Spence said to them, "now set the example for everyone else and try to go one day in your lives without arguing." Papa looked at him right in the eye and said "too late.")

in total: Mimi, Papa, Uncle Spence, Walker, Winston, Noni, Mom, Dad, Me, JJ, Sisters M, CA, MM, Chase, Dot, Bob, Emily, Shad, Janie, Holly, Zoe. basically it was just completely crazy and fun at all times. except on the day when i got sunburned on my shins and Zoe got a bloody nose in the ocean. oh, and when MM went to the ER and PTFO from pain pills/shots. and who could forget when JJ lost his wedding ring in the sand for 5 minutes?

Mimi and Papa's xmas gift to everyone was an article of clothing from JAMS. check it out: http://www.jamsworld.com/

Chase (sister M's bf for those who don't know) and JJ got these matching bright orange JAMS bowling shirts with green collars and blue sleeves. on the back across the shoulders it says JAMS in black bold print, just in case the shirt itself wasn't loud enough. Chase was abnormally excited about his. but JJ was less than thrilled. on the last day he said, "i don't want this. i'm leaving it here." i said, "NO YOU'RE NOT MIMI WILL HAVE HURT FEELINGS." he said, "i don't want this. it doesn't fit in the suitcase." and i said, "you're packing the JAMS." and we went back and forth for a bit. he grabbed the JAMS shirt and walked away. and that was the end of it. or so i thought.

as we were cleaning the condo and packing up, my Mom did a walk-around to catch any items we might have missed, and in a lonely corner, all bunched up, lo and behold, there is JAMS. she proclaimed, "WHO FORGOT THEIR JAMS SHIRT?!?!?!" JJ turned red and feigned true and utterly delighted surprise and said, "OH!!!!! THERE IT IS!!!!" and we all died laughing.

Hawaii was wonderful and it was so great to catch up with the family (who are STILL THERE NO FAIR) Chase JJ and i all took the red eye back to the mainland. our JAMS nestled safely in our suitcases.

Friday, December 18, 2009

packing with the Hansens

packing is the worst. i really hate it. unpacking is better than packing. and on wednesday, the packing was extra rough.

it was extra rough because we don't want to pay for checked baggage. so JJ and i squeezed everything into carry-on suitcases. it took so long because he kept packing ugly things so i would replace the ugly things with nice things. then he would figure out what i did and yell at me and switch back. then i would yell that i don't want to look like i'm married to a hobo on our family vacation in hawaii NOR on Christmas with his family. and i would be all "JJ YOU WILL WEAR THIS CORAL SHIRT IN HAWAII AND YOU WILL LIKE IT." and he would say "UM NO F&*$ING WAY I'M WEARING THAT GAY SHIRT." and it was back and forth and back and forth. there was no way i was going to let him wear his stupid dodgers jersey to a nice dinner. and i wanted him to wear his nice golf shirts, not the white one that says USA HOCKEY on it. like, NO. NO NO NO.

and i had to plan my outfits day-by-day (SO HARD!) taking things out, putting things in, it was just hard work! and i don't know about you, but picking out the outfit to wear on the plane is the hardest part. because you don't want to look bad, but you want to be comfortable. finding The Perfect Plane Outfit takes time and effort. anyway, we finished. phewww. and JJ will be sporting the pink northface backpack filled with the gifts as his carry-on bag #2.

AND, finally JJ just gave up on the argument and let me pack for him. and let me tell you: there are NO dodger jerseys or USA hockey shirts. BUT, there IS a coral shirt. tee hee.

Life with Lola666

Lola666 is staying with us. today she and Cleo go to the kennel but she has been boarding with us for the past 2 days. she takes up all the room on the bed, and every time she wags her tail, she takes out half my living room. the MH was not built for big dogs.

on wednesday we stayed up til midnight packing. and Lola666 would start barking and whining for attention. then Cleo would start barking and whining for attention (get your own identity Cleo, ghod.) and so we would have to pause and pet them, then get back to packing.

and last night i took the dogs to The Urban Canine, a little shop in Spoke where they sell the cutest little dog things (and cat things--but....Chanel is dead to me). my mom wanted me to get Lola666 a new collar. i opened the door to get out and the dogs come shooting out of the vehicle like rockets. ROCKETS. and it's a busy street!!! it was so scary. i thought Cleo Was Dead For Sure because she's so dumb (like this morning, the garbage man came and Cleo stood in the middle of the street and did not move AN INCH, the garbage truck came to a halting stop literally 3 centimeters from her face and all she did was tuck her tail between her legs and widen her eyes and stare straight up at the truck). anyway, i went after Lola666 first because if i let her, she would run away to China. i pinned her between my legs and threw her into the car. then i turned to get Cleo. a nice couple who were on a walk were holding her and giving me Disapproving Looks and shaking their heads. i was all "I'M SORRY! THEY JUST ESCAPED!" and they were like "she could have been hit" and i was like I WISH CHANEL WAS HERE TO GET HIT. so i thanked them for the kindness and put Cleo back in the car. despite the freezing temps, i was sweating like a fat guy and i took one whiff of my pits and almost passed out. bought Lola666's collar and GTFOOT.

after that fiasco we got home and Lola666 takes a dump the size of JJ and we get inside and watch the Saturday Night Live Christmas Marathon. went to bed. JJ on his 1/36th of the bed, me on mine. Lola is laying horizontal across both of us and Cleo is laying on my pillow. then i smelled something awful. turn on the lights. CLEO HAS POOP STUCK TO HER BUTT. get up, wash her butt, go back to bed. i mean the GODDAMN ANIMALS IN MY HOUSE ARE MORE HIGH MAINTENANCE THAN AN INFANT. AND WTF IS THE DEAL WITH ALL THE DINGLEBERRIES AND POOP STUCK TO BUTTS IN MY LIFE THIS WEEK?

this morning after the alarm went off, Lola666 punched me in the face and jumped on JJ's stomach/Cleo. Cleo made the same noise as a squeaky toy and Lola666 started barking.

my life. can you believe my life?


i almost put Chanel to sleep this week.

on tuesday i got home from work to see little swipes of brown on the kitchen table, the couch and the wall. i inspected the swipes. definitely poop. Cleo can't get on the table, so it had to be Chanel. (PROCESS OF ELIMINATION! isn't it great?)

so i found the dumb cat. and sure enough, she had diarrhea. so there is brown poop on her tail. which she used to paint my house brown. so i screamed first. then i grabbed her. and then i got into the shower with Chanel in my arms. in hindsight, i realize this probably wasn't a good idea. like, at. all. because as soon as the water touched us, Chanel went all nuts and scratched the shit out of me. i have 4 giant scratches down my belly like a caveman who tussled with a cougar. then some more on my wrist. so i finished my shower (PAINFULLY--cat scratches are the woooorstttt) and when i got out, i put on my bathrobe that says ANGEL on it and i got down on my hands and knees and wrenched Chanel out from under the couch. then i put her butt under the sink and washed the diarrhea out of her tail. but it didn't work. not even with soap. Chanel is howling like a wolf now, screaming for help and trying to claw me again. i took her into the kitchen and got out an all-purpose clorox wipe and scrubbed her bhole. SHE STARTS PURRING. ew. i turned on my cat by cleaning/rubbing her ass. i got out the scissors and cut out the diarrhea-stained parts of her butt and tail. then i blow-dried her fur.


we get into bed around 10 and fall asleep....2 am we hear Cleo jump off the bed "QUICK! GRAB CLEO! BEFORE SHE POOPS INSIDE!"....then we heard the most awful sound ever: we turned on the lights just as Chanel was barfing....ON MY UGGS. LIKE SERIOUSLY?!?! ON MY UGGS?! ANYWHERE BUT ON MY UGGS!!! so i screamed again. and almost started crying, you know, because it was the middle of the night, and, well, my favorite shoes were covered in cat barf. and while we were busy worrying about the cat barf, Cleo pooped in the kitchen. COME ON LIFE.

in the morning i met my mom at the halfway point between our towns. i brought Chanel, and she brought her dog Lola666. we traded for our vacation. Lola was to be with Cleo in the kennel and Chanel was to stay at my parents' house. i told my mom to keep her and to never bring her back.

2 days later (today), i was feeding the dogs breakfast when i just happened to look over at Chanel's food bowl. it had three little pieces of cat food in it. i started to miss her a lot. then i felt bad for being so mean. THEN I LOOKED CLOSER AND SAW A BROWN SWIPE ON THE FLOOR.


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

L and the Morning Troll

it snowed last night (!!!!) and we were so excited about it! and of course i woke up late this morning and only had 15 minutes to get ready. but then i figured since it snowed, if i'm late to work that can be my obvious excuse. in any case here is what i did this morning:

6:00 am- alarm goes off. NOT A CHANCE i'm getting up. reset alarm for 6:40.

6:40 am- alarm goes off. reach down for my comp to get on FB to wake me up. no computer. "JJ! WHERE THE F IS MY COMP?!?!?!" grumble..."i used it last night." "WELL GO GET IT I NEED IT NOWWWWW SO I CAN WAKE UP!" "what are you talking about?" "YOU KNOW I NEED FACEBOOK TO WAKE UP!" "you are so effing weird." anyway, i got my computer.

6:52 am- lean over to JJ and tell him i'm going to be late. then ask him to make me a sandwich for lunch. he said "no i'm sleeping." "thanks Morning Troll, you're so kind."

6:53 am- get out of bed. pee. brush teeth.

6:56 am- take Cleo outside. the priss went about 3 inches before she ran back inside.

6:58 am- go back into the bedroom and ask him where the shovel is. he said, "in the garage." i said, "where in the garage?" he said, "by the door in the garage." i said, "what door? like the door door or the garage door?" he said, "OMG WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU??!?!?!?!?!??!?! IT'S RIGHT BY THE GARAGE DOOR." i said, "ok thanks darling asshole!"

7:01 am- shovel path from doorstep to the grass. then shovel a little patch in the grass so the Princess Cleo could take her golden shit.

7:05 am- realize i'm still in my pjs with greasy hair and no makeup. SHOOT! "JJ LIKE I REALLLLLLY NEED YOUR HELP NOW. I GOTTA LEAVE IN 5 MINS!!"

7:09 am- outfit on. makeup on. dry-shampooed my head. french-braid my hair while making myself a cup of tea. JJ finally made my sandwich. it was sitting there on the counter. just by itself. not in a baggie or anything. nice. real nice.

7:11 am- WHOA I'M LATE. "JJ HELP!!!!!!!" "L! WHADDYA WANT ME TO DO?!?!?!" "well, i'm just late, can you just help?"


7:19 am- pull out of the garage. gotta be at work in 11 minutes. snow is the perfect excuse!

7:25- people going 20 mph on the freeway! COME ONNNNN

got to work only 10 minutes late. not too bad.

8:57 am- text from JJ "i was very very very grumpy this morning, sorry baby."

it's a good thing he apologized. otherwise i would have made him eat the "salad" from last night for dinner.

lettuce & truffles

last night we had s&s (who met and fell in love at our wedding! how romantical!) over for drinks and dinner. i was busy wrapping presents--then cleaning the house--when JJ got home from hockey. i said, "dear sweet husband can you please go to the grocery store and get a ceasar-salad-in-a-bag and a bottle of champagne?" he said yes.

s&s arrived and i settled them in and we were chatting when JJ got home. he handed me the grocery bag...what's in it? a pack of gum and a bag of lettuce. "WHAT KIND OF SALAD DO YOU EXPECT ME TO MAKE WITH JUST PLAIN LETTUCE AND GUM?! AND WHERE'S THE BOOZE?!" he said, "oh. forgot." xdfiaisfjjlsdf

so we had delicious spaghetti and garlic bread and a "salad" (i.e. the lettuce with oil, vinegar and salt and pepper. it was so nasty.) and the bottle of peach schnapps for the bellinis was so lonely without the champagne. thank god s&s brought a bottle of wine!

for dessert, i had a bag of Lindor truffles. but JJ refused to serve them to s&s because i bought them at TJ Maxx and they had the price sticker on them. talk about SNOB. like, he's fine feeding the guests crap salad with no flavor but the delicious truffles get ousted? what is that?

Monday, December 14, 2009

today's ego boost

charming Mr. Orland in 209, who used to be a professor at Gonzaga Law, called down this morning and asked to be transferred to the companion department. i did as he asked and went about doing my business.

30 seconds later my phone rings again. Mr. Orland again. he said, "i need the companion department." i said, "oh, they must not be in, but if you leave a message, they will call you back." he said, "when? in two god damn months?" i said, "well, no, probably later today." he said, "to hell with you," then he pressed one of the keys down for 45 seconds, then slammed the phone and hung up on me.

then he called back an hour later. he wanted me to dial a number for him. he gave me 6 numbers...not enough to make a real phone number. when i told him this, he said, "you're good for nothing."

stuffed like a god damn Christmas ham

JJ's parents were in town this weekend, so fun! and basically all we did was eat. friday we went to Anthony's. saturday JJ took us to egger meats (vomit bc there are giant slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling) and made salmon and steak. sunday we went to Clinks...right before i went to jazzy. so i literally had to take a giant poop before class started AND i was burping up grilled cheese the entire time. i think that extra mayonnaise i asked for sent me over the edge.

we said goodbye to his parents and got ready for JJ's work christmas party (rmbr, i got my tattoo licked last year by the owner of the hockey team?) i wore my sparkle leggings for the occasion. and i didn't eat a thing at the party because of the gluttony that happened all weekend. then JJ gets a call--his parents flight was cancelled! so we left the party early to hang out with them. (BTW, at the party they had a raffle...hotel stays, restaurant certificates, etc...and what does JJ win? a free round of golf. i mean, literally the only thing i won't/can't use) where did we meet his parents? YET ANOTHER RESTAURANT!!! rock city grill. and by that time i hadn't eaten since 2 pm so i was kinda hungry. and i ate a piece of pizza.

we said goodbye to his parents for a second time, then went home to bed. 9:30 pm. perf timing! talked to Moon on the phone for an hour and went to sleep.

at 2 am i woke up with the worst indigestion ever in life. my stomach hurt sooooo bad. like i was stuffed like a god damn Christmas ham. i couldn't figure out if i was gonna barf or have Big D. so i slept on the bathroom floor. then Cleo jumped off the bed to come hang with me. then JJ woke up and started freaking out and screaming because me and Cleo were gone. then he helped me back to bed and got me water. isn't he sweet?

all of this holiday eating is getting to me. and we still have 4 more get togethers this week--all that involve food.

all i'm eating for the rest of this season is tums.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Lost Things

why why WHY when we lose things, are they ALWAYS our favorite things?

example 1: my first pair of l.e.i. size 0 stretch bellbottom jeans. i loved these jeans. they were the only pair i had in 8th grade that fit me. i wore them literally every single day. in 8th grade i also was on the C squad basketball team (barf). the jeans got lost somewhere in the shuffle from school to 7-11 (for a pre-practice slurpee of course) and to the elementary school for practice (we had to use the elementary gym because there wasn't any room for the loser basketball players in the junior high gym) and then home. when i lost these jeans, i felt like i had lost a part of me...plus i didn't have any other pants that fit. it was a heartbreaking loss.

example 2: my favorite favorite favorite pirate shirt. it was grey and i got it for Christmas in my stocking from Santa. and it had a picture of a gnarly shipmate on it and it said "Pirates arrrr Cool." it was the best shirt ever. EVER!!!! and the last time i wore it, i took my Grandma to the pharmacy. then i wore it again the next day. that's how much i loved it. i still think that one of my 6 roommates in Big Blue senior year stole my favorite favorite favorite pirate shirt. it just disappeared one day from my closet. completely vanished. for nearly a year i blamed Moon, since the cave that was her room seemed to swallow anything and everything. she swore to me that it wasn't her, and even tried to look online to find a similar t-shirt to order for me. i have since bought many a pirate shirt...but none quite as endearing. to this day, a single tear rolls down my cheek, as i think fondly upon my favorite favorite favorite pirate shirt.

example 3: JUST ON THURSDAY: i was finishing up the last of my Christmas shopping at the mall, and Cleo was in my purse. i took off my best cream-colored cable knit scarf that is really really long and stuffed it in my purse with the dog. when i was driving home, i instinctively reached at my neck to loosen my scarf, when i realized it was gone. GONE. Cleo must have rearranged her position in my purse and knocked the scarf out. i'm almost positive that a passerby saw how great the scarf was, and full of Christmas Spite, and didn't stop me to give it back, but swiped the fallen scarf to have as her own. i went to target to try and buy a replacement...but to no avail. none were as long, as soft or as chic. when i told my mom she said, "that thing was dingy, it was time for it to go." rude. my fallen scarf has put a giant dent in my winter cheer.

what favorite thing have YOU lost?

PN's Karma

on tuesday i was happily typing away on my computer while humming Christmas tunes, when all of a sudden i looked up and jumped three feet out of my chair in surprise and fear. the PN was staring at me with this horrid deviant smile. she was peering around the corner and looking up at me through her eyelashes. sort of like she had a crush on me, sort of like she wanted to kill me. i was like "WHOAAAA! YOU SCARED ME THERE!" and she laughed. and walked over to my desk and said, "i gotta project for ya hun." oh goodie. she whomped a giant stack of paper and blank name tags on my desk. and i stared at her. she was like "can you put these printed out name labels in the name tags?" i was like "yeah, but i have 2 death notices to take care of first." she was like "well they need to be done today." and walked away.

so there i was, cutting and gluing and stuffing name tags, muttering under my breath, when the CEO walks out to my desk. i immediately got nerval and sweaty and i straightened my posture and plastered a stupid smile on my face. he was like "hi, L! how ya doin there?" i was like "i think i have them about a quarter of the way finished." then he said, "actually, you look pretty busy out here, i think will take the rest of them." so he took everything and relieved me of the burden.

10 minutes later i walked into the administration office to do a very receptionisty duty (i.e. make copies) and i saw The Single Most Awesome Thing Ever: the PN was sitting all squatty-like at her desk with a giant frown on her face...and SHE WAS CUTTING AND GLUING AND STUFFING NAMETAGS! the CEO made her do it herself. hadfahahhahahahaha. i looked at her and i said, "oh, now you're doing them, eh?" she said, "ooooh, don't even get me started." i walked away giggling with glee.


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Heat Wave

yesterday was mine and JJ's 3 year dating anniversary! wowza! so we went out to dinner at a little delish place RIGHT by our house (Latah Bistro) which has 50% off any bottle of wine on Mondays (hell. yes.) so i got a bottle of SPARKLING RED WINE! it was so sooo yummy. JJ had 2 diet cokes. what a treat for both of us!

after dinner we went home and i got an email from LJ...which stemmed the 2-hour fun i had with Elf Yourself (see previous post). after the Elf Yourself joy, JJ and i were in the Elf Spirit and decided to watch Elf the movie. The Best Way to Spread Christmas Cheer Is Singing Loud For All to Hear! then JJ turned the heat up before bed. i was like "don't do that. we should turn it down before bed." he said, "L, i know what i'm doing, OK?! i put it at 62." i said, "no, you really don't." our heat is so crazy. if you move it 1/16 of a cemtimeter it changes the temperature by like 10 degrees. we keep it at 60 degrees, which is actually about 66. JJ said he put it at 62 which is like 70-75. i was like "OK WHATEVER DUDE. we dozed off with Elf playing in the background...

2 am: "OHMYGOD I'M DYING! I'M IN A MOTHERFUDGING INFERNO JJ!!!! WHAT THE HELLLLLLLL!??!?!?!?!" JJ lied. he put the heat at 65. which is like 80. that's hot for the SUMMER. and i was wearing my high school swim team sweatpants in bed, which, i'm 99% sure, are warmer than an eskimo's pants. i was literally pouring sweat. even Cleo had her tongue out and was panting. like seroiusly. so i made JJ get out of bed and fix his mistake. "I TOLD YOU 60 DEGREES IS WARM ENOUGHHHHH!" he just silently fixed his mistake, knowing very well how wrong he was. but that didn't solve anything. i screamed in agony from the heat wave in our MH in december. like really? there are homeless people freezing outside under the freeway, and here i am practically sunburt from the heat inside our home. so i growled and heavily leaped out of bed. i had to get up and open the door, letting the -7 degree weather hit my face. and let me tell you: WHAT A RELIEF!

so now the heat is at 60 degrees. because i am right. because i am always right.

Monday, December 7, 2009

WARNING: you MAY wet yourself


Fake Christmas Spirit.

remember how i explained the weirdness of the managers at RW when decorating for the harvest? they're irritable, pompous and without an ounce of happiness.

well the Christmas season is even more bizzare. there is an employee and resident Christmas Choir. (i have not joined for obvious reasons) the residents bounce and smile and snap their fingers while they're singing. some of the employees dance a little. but not the managers. nope, no siree. they stand stiff as boards, straight-lipped and serious. they look like absolute assholes standing up there, singing the most joyous and celebratory music there is, with frowns on their faces. then after choir practice, they shuffle by my desk, still stony-faced, yet HUMMING CHRISTMAS SONGS. i just don't get it...wtf is wrong with these people?

oh but it doesn't end there my friends. the grumpy managers must collaborate in some sort of meeting and decide to wear something "Christmasy" everyday in December. because they show up in such festive clothing that you would think they actually have hearts. it's like they have fake Christmas Spirit. here is a sampling of the managers' wardrobe choices:

Example 1: the crabby Maintenance Supervisor stomps around, looking pissed off with, i kid you not, a red baseball cap with reindeer antlers protruding from either side of his head. the front of the cap says "Santa's Helper" in green font. i mean, that has got to be the jolliest god damn hat i've ever seen, and it looks so contradictory on his cantankerous face.

Example 2: the Housekeeping Supervisor with literally a permanent frown etched onto her face. like i have never seen her smile. not even when she was talking about the birth of her first granchild. THIS little diddy has a different novelty Christmas sweatshirt for every day of the week. here is a random selection: one is red with just a big giant replica of santa's face printed on the front. one is green with picture of Christmas lights across the chest. suggestive, eh? another one is red with rudolph. his nose is sparkly red. i'm all WHY DON'T YOU TRY MATCHING YOUR FACE TO THE GOD DAMN REINDEER ON YOUR SHIRT. LIKE, EVEN THE ANIMAL IS SMILING. HOW CAN YOU NOT WEAR THAT MERRY SWEARTSHIRT WITHOUT A SMILE!?!?!?!

Example 3: Activities Coordinator who is the most petulant woman i've ever met. she has absolutely no couth. she is so rude, and has not an ounce of tenderness or care in her body. with these qualities, i cannot imagine why she is the activities coordinator for a retirement community. her favorite thing to do is call me and tell me to do favors for her. she never asks. just tells. she came to my desk today demanding that i make copies for her, and i heard a happy little jingling eminating from her. i said in my best Cheery Christmas Voice, "what's that? what's that jingling that i hear?" she, not even KIND OF amused, said "bellsonmyskirt. canyoujustpleasemakemycopiesthanks." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!

these people are putting a damper on The Sacred Christmas Spirit. i just can't figure out what kind of Christmas Trees they have up their asses. Spruce? Noble? or maybe even an evergreen. at times like these, i wish i had Clark Griswold here to cuss them out.

The Blackout

last night, while watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire at the worst possible time...right when cedric diggory gets killed by Voldemort...THE POWER WENT OUT. just out. black. black everything. the first thing i said was "HOLY SHIT DID WE PAY THE POWER BILL?!?!?" JJ assured me it had been taken care of, but he was totally panicked, as were Cleo and Chanel. and you'll never guess what i was doing when the power went out. WRAPPING CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. i mean, really? couldn't the power have waited 15 more minutes?? there was paper, tape ribbon and scissors all around me. so while my family freaked out, i kept my focus on finishing the wrapping with the light from the 36% power i had left on my computer.

my phone was dead. the fridge was out. the house was PITCH BLACK! JJ and the neighbors all ran outside to make sure it wasn't just them. it was quite a sight. almost creepy. it was SO DARK. and my worst enemy besides PN, The Gate, was stuck closed because of the power! so people who were coming home had to park their cars and find their way to their houses. some neighbors totally freaked out and tried to speed off in their cars, but they too, were stuck because of the gate. we were all trapped. TRAPPED!

so we lit all the candles and sat in bed chatting. i suggested ghost stories, but i think JJ was too frightened. then it started to get really cold, since it was 0 degrees out and the heater was not working. so we snuggled up real tight in sweats and nestled under the covers. then JJ decided to get all brave and noble said to me, "give me the flashlight so i can have some sort of control. i'll take care of you." so i handed him the flashlight. which is a very manly flashlight. white with pink trim and hello kitty on it. "gee, i feel quite safe with you and hello kitty," i said.

then, out of boredom, we just started staring at each other. i noticed how dry and crackly JJ's lips were--and his hands! so i moisturized him while we discussed the need for a humidifier. first i did his lips with Victoria's secret beauty nighttime gloss, then his hands with peach hand cream. he smelled very nice and his lips were shining and healthy looking. i thought about maybe asking him if i could paint his toenails, but then changed my mind because that might have been going overboard.

we finally fell asleep around 11, and at 2 am, the power came back on. and of course all the lights and the TV and the christmas lights and tree came back on too since it was only 9 when the power went out. JJ shot up from bed and shouted, "WHAT'S HAPPENING?!?!?!?!?" i told him the power came back on. "WHAT?! WHY?! WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" he said. "JJ GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED AND TURN OFF THE LIGHTS!" "WHY DID YOU TURN THEM ON?" "I DIDN'T TURN THEM ON! THEY CAME BACK ON WITH THE POWERRRR!!! TURN THEM OFF!" so the back and forth questions and demands continued in the wee hour of the morning until JJ finally woke up fully and realized what was going on. he jumped out of bed and turned off the lights and we went back to bed.

this morning i woke up and discovered that a tree fell over in the windstorm last night and 2,000 houses were out of power. how horrid. so this morning i was so thankful for heat and computer power and my phone and for JJ's soft hands and lips. what more could a girl ask for?

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Hand Cuts

i have 7 cuts on my hands. SEVEN. i look like i lost a thumb war to Edward Scissorhands.

here is how i got them:

1. top of right hand, at the base of the thumb: i reached into the junk drawer to get a pen and the letter opener poked through my skin.

2. top of right hand, near the wrist: CHANEL.

3. middle top of right hand: one long scrape from sharp edge on the medicine cabinet.

4. top of middle finger on right hand: deep gash from leaning over the counter to grab a bottle of water. my middle finger got caught on the cheap countertop lining that is peeling away from the wood.

5. pad of index finger on right hand: paper cut from an envelope at work.

6. left pinky finger knuckle: cold weather makes my skin dry. my knuckle cracked and bled. (note to self: buy moisturizer)

7. outer left pad of left index finger: while making homemade spaghetti sauce, can opener broke so i went all Popeye crazy and tried to open the can with my bare hands. sliced the finger badly. i prob have aluminum poisoning now.

i am adorning an assortment of band-aids: 1 spongebob, 1 neon green, 1 walgreens skin-colored, 1 pirate.

Makeshift Clothing

part of my job is being able to handle bodily waste. no, not the retirement community. farts are all that happens there. i'm talking about babysitting. i wipe asses, change diapers, swipe the snot being licked off of an upper lip...but barf is the worst. it reallllly is.

when S was one, he had the flu so i gave him water and cheerios. he held it down ok, and it seemed he was on the way to feeling better. he whined and whined for a bottle so i gave him a little one. 30 seconds later i was covered in milk and chewed up cheerios. all over. dripping down my neck and my shirt was covered. "well, shit," i thought. now what? i gagged. S cried. M screamed. and i still had about 4-5 hours of babysitting to go. so i did the only thing i could think of: i went into M's closet (she was 2 at the time) and i put on her biggest shirt, which was, of course a size 3T. i looked like Baby Spice. my belly button was hanging out, and the shirt had pink frills on the shoulders. when CP and A got home they could not stop laughing. it WAS quite a sight.

well last night, while we were playing the "Monkeys on the Bed" board game, (it's so lame. i cheat to get the game over with faster. is that bad?) M declared, "I AM THE QUEEN OF THE BED!" and S said, "I AM THE KING OF THE BED! P IS THE PRINCESS!!....L you can be the servant." thanks for that S, but i am already aware of the fact that i am your slave. anyway, P was eating a little baby biscuit and she had mashed blueberries and pears earlier. and a bottle of milk. i guess the biscuit sent her overboard because she yakked (sp?) all over my leg. so i did what i usually do: grab a baby wipe. baby wipes have magical powers. seriously. they are good for cleaning, stain removal, wiping up dog pee, etc. so i baby wiped my leg. and i baby wiped P's face. then i smelled something AWFUL. and M and S smelled it too. and it was my barf leg. it was soooo bad. so we all gagged. and P laughed. so i took off my pants and fashioned myself a skirt. with a blanket. that was blue and had monkeys all over it. so what does S say? "L I'M COOOOOOOOLD!!!!....AND THAT'S THE ONLY BLANKET DOWN HERE." i don't think so, buddy. "i'll go get you a sweatshirt then, master King S," i said.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

where's the spirit?

the problem with Christmas shopping is this: for every gift i buy, i purchase one thing for myself. but honestly, how can one pass up on black suede thigh-high sam edelman boots that were 70% off?

but, wonderfully and amazingly, my Christmas shopping is 95% done! pat on the back, self. now i just need to start wrapping! and i'm thinking of possibly writing a Christmas letter to go with our picture card. i have a lot on my Christmas plate. and remember the spare bedroom/JJ's closet that was previously known as The Wedding Room? then later known as The Place Where Chanel Shit & Pissed All Over The Bed...well now it is The Christmas Shit Room...it is filled with wonderful pressies! i am totally in the Christmas spirit, but i think my family is starting to get annoyed with my Christmas obsession...

example 1: the irritated look i got from JJ when i shoved his Dec. 1 advent calendar chocolate in his mouth.

example 2: i watched Chanel kick over the miniature Christmas tree we have sitting on the front windowsill.

example 3: every time we leave, Cleo pulls the donkey and baby Jesus and the black wise man down on the ground from their place in the nativity scene. those 3. every. time.

example 4: every time i sing The 12 Days of Christmas in the shower, JJ slams the bathroom door shut and stomps away grumbling.

example 5: when i put the reindeer antlers on the Cs, they both shook them off and ran away.


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Surprisingly Perfect Day

i should have known my day was going to start off wrong when i got my feet tangled in a pair of dirty underwear.

i pushed snooze 3 times this morning, making myself a little bit late. and the only way i can wrench myself from the throes of slumber is to facebook myself into consciousness. so i facebook and check the Live News Feed until i am fully alert, head spinning with TMI from my digital "friends."

well upon arising from bed and schlumping into the kitchen, i realized i had left my homemade spaghetti sauce (i know, i know, impressive) on the stove all night long! which is quite dangerous, but really i was secretly delighted because it was simmered to glorious perfection.

but then when i got dressed, the outfit i picked out last night didn't look right so i had to start from scratch. then i didn't have time for my cinnamon toast crunch. but JJ made me a delicious peppermint latte, what a dear!

I FORGOT MY FROTHING HOT MOUTH-WATERING LATTE ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER! sonofaB. i called JJ to whine. then as soon as i hung up i realized: I FORGOT MY IPOD FULL OF CHRISTMAS TUNES! doh! what a terrible day at work i was destined to have.

at work, my spongebob band-aid got caught on one of the residents keys and it ripped off. then i accidentally kicked the computer and my screen shut off and the whole check-in system went down so i had to call EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE 180 RESIDENTS to check to see if they were alive.

but then the most miraculous thing happened. i got an email saying PN WAS GOING TO BE GONE THE ENTIRE DAY!!!!!!!!!! hallelujah! hark! the herald angels sing!

as soon as i got that news, things started turning up! for instance, JJ is making me a crab feast for dinner tonight, i finished my book on my break this morning, i realized it's officially DECEMBER, and the BEST part: the french chef at RW is wearing a god damn Santa Claus baseball hat. it's so hilarious i could die!

it's amazing what kind of day i can have when my mortal enemy is gone.

Feeling Neglected

i'm thinking that maybe LJ was right--life would be much better without animals...well, at least without Chanel.

for instance, we can't have a real Christmas tree because Chanel eats the pine needles and then throws them up all around the house.

also, cleaning the litterbox sucks.

Iams Indoor Weight and Hairball Control for Adult Cats is expensive.

the 6 am aerobic workout is SO annoying.

trying to keep an indoor cat from going outside is quite a hassle.

OH YEAH AND THE DUMB BITCH TOOK A GIANT DUMP AND PEED A LAKE ALL OVER THE SPARE BED YESTERDAY!! is that even real? cats never pee/poo anywhere but their litterboxes. when i first discovered her miscreant deed, i thought maybe the litterbox was too full. so i felt bad. but when i went to clean it, i saw that there was plenty of empty space for bodily waste. i cleaned it anyway, and she sat on the kitchen counter watching me intently while swishing her tail. after i cleaned it i screamed "CHANELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!" and i snatched her up and put her face in her mess and called her a bad bad kitty. she screm-meowed and ran under the bed. then i had to strip the bed and wash EVERYTHING TWICE BECAUSE CAT PEE IS THE WORST SMELL EVER. EVER.

then i went to jazzercise with Rah.

on the way home i stopped at the grocery store. i called Moon. her dad is a vet, so i thought she would have some sound advice. she told me that Chanel was probably feeling neglected and sad because i spend so much time with Cleo and JJ, both of whom she hates. Moon said i needed to spend some alone time with Chanel. blah blah blah...

but later that night JJ and Cleo went for a walk, and i saw it as the perfect Chanel Time opportunity. i called her up on the bed and i started petting her. not 10 seconds after, SHE ROLLED OVER ON HER BACK AND SWATTED AND CAPTURED MY HAND WITH HER PAW AND BIT MY WRIST, CLEARLY TRYING TO ASSASSINATE ME.

there will be no FEELING SORRY for that monster.

Monday, November 30, 2009


UPDATE: 12/1/09: so at 2 pm on the dot yesterday, i called Paul Turner's voicemail and did my Party Trick for him. the first email i got this morning was:

I AM impressed. Well done. Thanks.

P.S. Hope married life is off to a good start, and that you'll enjoy your first Christmas as a certified couple.


so remember my Party Trick post? well obviously you do. because it is quite possibly the best one. well do you also remember my mild obsession with The Slice writer fron the Spokesman-Review Paul Turner? he was the one who printed the little blurb about my super-tight, super-enormous underwear that i wore for my wedding. anyway, i was thinking about my Party Tick, and how, even though most of you do not agree, it is the COOLEST THING EVER IN LIFE. i sent an email to Paul which sparked a friendly banter (flirtation) between us. it went as follows:

Maybe you have already asked this…but since it’s the Holidays and we all have lots of parties to attend; I would love to know what kinds of Party Tricks my fellow Spokanites have under their sleeves. For instance, I have a friend who can do the splits, another who can perfectly deliver every word in the song “Ice Ice Baby” and mine is that I can recite The Lord’s Prayer in the Old English language, a la Beowulf.

Do you have a Party Trick Paul?

This is an excellent theme, L. Thank you.
(Please send me your daytime phone number -- just for my records.)


P.S. I am about to head out. But I wonder if you would be willing to call my number some time this afternoon or tonight and give me a sampling of your trick. I'm curious and would love to hear just a little. Thanks in advance. 459-5470


SWEET. I’ll leave you a message in about an hour. Have a great day! You’ll be seriously impressed with my skillz.

SO, Dear Asshole Readers Who Doubted My Talents, i will be calling Paul Turner at 2 pm on the dot this afternoon and i will be leaving him a message filled with Old English Cheer. at least SOMEONE will appreciate my talent.

The Real Thing That Matters In Life

"the bride, a graduate from Gonzaga University, is a receptionist at RW Retirement Community and also a babysitter..."

that's what was printed in the spokesman review on Sunday, November 29, 2009. i mean really? a college graduate who is a receptionist and also a babysitter?!?! i lose. the harsh reality of that statement staring back at me in black and white print was almost too much to bear. so i tucked the announcement away in my purse.

since then i have literally gotten 17 copies of the damn newspaper. from my dear residents. and apparently being able to rock the babysitter/receptionist combo is not a bad thing. because the only thing any of the ladies want to talk about is JJ. "wow, i didn't know your husband was such a good looking fellow!" WTF?! SERIOUSLY?! WHAT, DID YA'LL THINK I WAS MARRIED TO A GOD DAMN TROLL?! OF COURSE MY HUSBAND IS A GOOD LOOKING FELLOW. CHRIST.

so i guess that's it then. i have a shitty career path but as long as i have a good looking husband, i'm basically set for life. i guess Hot JJ is what really matters.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Christmas Cheer

as i have said before, i am not tech-savvy. but when everyone got an ipod, i needed one too. honestly, i haven't used it in over a year. i don't run, and i'm not particularly a music person anyway, so it sits in my car all year round. UNTIL I HAD THE MOST BRILLIANT IDEA EVER.

work doesn't give us speakers with the computer, otherwise i would catch up on my Glee episodes and watch movies, obviously. so i bought a mini pink ipod speaker that matched my pink ipod for $6.99 at TJ Maxx. then i uploaded all of my Christmas CDs onto my ipod. then i brought the ipod and the speaker into work. and NOW I HAVE MY VERY OWN CHRISTMAS CONCERT RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE!!! it's so cool. and all the oldies think it's marvelous. they don't know what ipods are or how they work, so all they see is a hot pink thing playing some Christmas Yules. i tell you, i love to bring the WOW FACTOR to them.

so i decided to play a little Aly and A.J. Acoustic Hearts of Winter, and Dorthea in 444 comes up to my desk looking miserable. i asked her what was wrong and she scrunched up her face and told me to turn off the racquet because she's constipated and needs prune juice.


The Disappearing Act

JJ had to leave my parents' house Thanksgiving night, after Catchphrase, Apples to Apples, Balderdash and Spoons because he had to work early Friday morning. he left at 9:15 pm. i went to bed at 11, and he didn't call me when he got home, so basically i didn't know if he got home. all i got was a 10:30 pm text that read, "that pecan pie was killer." typical JJ comment.

i woke up at 6:30 am on Friday and made my parents get up and hang out with me. i called JJ at 8. no answer. 8:15. no answer. 9. no answer. so i called his work phone. it was turned off. 9:15. no answer from both phones! i couldn't believe it. he gets to work a half an hour early at 8:30 am EVERY SINGLE DAY. where could he be? i thought he may have gotten in an accident. i kept calling. again and again. my sisters and i decided to go to TJ Maxx for Black Friday at about 11, and i still hadn't heard from JJ. so i called the main phone line at his work and asked if he was there. he wasn't. i told his coworkers that i hadn't heard from him since he left to go home the night before. then i met KKiss and her mom at TJ to get my 4-month-late bday present from KKiss and Sam. (thanks, guys! better late than never!) then i called Rah and Nebular who are both in Seattle, and told them i hadn't heard from JJ, and they gave me the number of Nebular's brother who lives at their house. i called him 8 times in a row until he woke up and frantically begged him to go to our house to see if my husband was alive. he obliged and told me he'd call me back. then, as i apologized to KKiss and her mom for making 37 phone calls while they were standing there, who decides to give me a ring, but The King JJ Himself. he sleepily said, "i had 24 missed calls, what's up?"


he said lazily, "oh come on L, calm down. i traded work shifts with my coworker. i don't have to be there until 1."



apparently all of his coworkers tried to get a hold of him after i called and freaked them out. plus Rah and Nebular and his brother were panicked, plus KKiss and her mom, plus TJ Maxx parking lot, plus my sisters....i mean, it was a god damn circus!

and The King was sleeping on the couch. turns out my parents made him an entire thermos of coffee for the drive home. he drank it all and was up until 4:30 in the morning watching the National Geographic channel. so he begged his coworker to trade shifts with him so he could sleep late. and his phone was on vibrate, so he couldn't hear any of us calling him. and when he finally got to work, all of his coworkers rushed over to him and said, "CALL YOUR WIFE!"

he said i was a tad bit dramatic. but i think i was being a good wife, while he was being a wreckless bear in a cave, pulling a disappearing act better than the Ringling Brothers, sleeping in until 11:30 like that.


since i told JJ that neither of us were getting flu/swine flu shots this season, we have been on Emergen-C like a bum on crack. we are doing pretty well, aside from little colds. last week JJ had one. he would sit up in the middle of the night and blow a bazooka horn in my ear, aka blow his nose. because he would startle me in an unpleasant way circa 3 a.m. each night, i in return, would charge him one doughnut in the morning for ruining my sleep.

well, on Thanksgiving, JJ gave me the cold. (by the way...i am thankful for my family, friends, wonderful husband, blog readers and for stretch pants) and since we were at my parents' house, i naturally left used tissues all over. my secret spot was inside a blue vase in the living room. my dad found the stash as i was driving back to Spoke and he called to reprimand me. hahahhaah. and a hilarious moment occured between me and my Uncle M. it was one of those moments that is rare but so perfect that you'd think it was coreographed. as Uncle M was reaching his arm up to put it around my aunt's shoulder, his right index and middle fingers collided with my face and he unmeaningly swiped the two fingers right under my dripping nose, catching a nice strip of green snot. he screamed like a girl and ran to the bathroom. i laughed.

anyway, since i was sick, i made my dad come with my to the grocery store to buy doughnuts. delish.

then this morning i woke up and was exxxtra nice to JJ and asked him in such a sweet voice, "darling hubby of mine, will you go to the store and get me a doughnut?" and he did! i love him.

i'm wondering if there is really a connection between sickness and doughnuts or if i'm really just being a fatass.

Career Quiz

in 8th grade, the year 2000, one of the required classes to take in school was called "Careers." we had to search the paper for a real job, pretend to get the job, then pretend-plan our entire life (i.e. find a place to live, have pets, go grocery shopping, find a husband/roommate etc.) we also took a Career Quiz. this was a quiz i will never forget. it asked a hundred questions about what i liked to do and what kind of things interested me. at the end, it makes suggestions on what career path one should take. the dorky boy next to me got "you should be a model! you like to be in the spotlight and love traveling." do you know what mine said? the thing told me i should be a hearse driver. A HEARSE DRIVER. perky, hyper, happy me, as a hearse driver. i mean is that even real? i remember staring at the computer screen like wtf? i am never doing that job. ever. EVER. and Dork Model Kid was all gloaty and shit like "ooh, that sucks, i got model. ha ha ha." i was like DORK KID YOU WILL NEVER IN YOUR LIFE BE A MODEL WITH THAT BONE STRUCTURE. turns out like everyone got Model. a few got professional sports player or doctor or vet. but i was definitely the only hearse driver.

i remember being mildly upset and bothered by the Hearse Driver answer. i kept trying to figure out which question i answered wrong. but i just couldn't figure out why the Career Quiz would plan out such a dismal fate for me. i have pushed that experience to the back of mine and can now laugh about it, but it still gets me. honestly, WHY WOULD IT EVER BE SUGGESTED THAT I BE A HURST DRIVER?! why?

flash forward to November 28, 2009. i am not a hearse driver, nor will i ever be. but i work in a retirement community. it dawned on me last night that maybe the Career Quiz wasn't so far off. i mean, i don't drive dead bodies, but i am surrounded by the elderly, many of whom are in the sunset of their lives, some of whom have passed away. i am able to be compassionate to the families who lose their loved ones, and i am surrounded by the harsh reality of the circle of life on a weekly basis. i am not a hearse driver, but i am a Receptionist Extraordinaire at a Retirement Community. close enough...right?

*disclaimer: Receptionist Extraordinaire at a Retirement Community is not my career. just my current source of income. my new plan is to get my master's degree in teaching within the next few years.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


i needed black hoisery this morning for my outfit. i have 78 pairs of black opaque tights, but not barely black ones, you know? so i used the only thing i have, ultra-sexy Victoria's Secret thigh high stockings with a lace band. i felt quite like a movie star going into work today, until one of the stockings started falling down. i looked like the Maxine comic strip--only slightly sexier because of THE LACE BAND. i was cursing myself while walking into work, yanking up the stocking. i just knew the lace was sticking out of the bottom of my pencil skirt, so i looked a tad bit like a slut.

so i have to deal with one saggy stocking all day. every single time i stand up, it begins to descend slowly and immorally down my left leg.

just when i think the stocking problem makes me feel like a geriatric, Roy in 637 walks up to my desk and confirms my fears saying, "i didn't think that was you for a second. the new lights make your hair look gray."

how much longer til i look like this?!?!?! two...maybe three years if i'm lucky.

UPDATE: i found a solution that only mildly cuts off my blood circulation: put a rubber band around my upper thigh.

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Buffer Seat

JJ and i have an annoyance for anyone who doesn't respect "The Buffer Seat" rule. for instance. in the airport. waiting in your terminal. you never sit in the seat directly next to someone. you leave AT LEAST one seat between you. it's common courtesy.

JJ says the same rule applies to the men's room. buffer urinal. he claims it's just plain weird when a guy walks up to the urinal right next to you. personally i don't understand why men don't have personal stalls like women. they just walk up to the urinal and whip out their ding dongs like it's no big deal. so why would the buffer urinal rule apply if everyone's ding dong is already out and about? everyone sees everyone else's, even WITH the buffer urinal. soooo i don't really agree with JJ on that one.

but we both agree on "The Buffer Seat" rule in the movie theater. the only exception to the rule is if it's a blockbuster on opening weekend. like when JJ and i went to see New Moon. we allowed the buffer seat rule to be broken for a family of 6 who needed the seats next to me. HOWEVER, we did not think it was acceptable for the couple who walked in 7 minutes late to occupy the buffer seat next to JJ.

do you respect the rule? or are you a buffer seat occupyer?

The Fast

my sister CA is quite the little activist. currently she is trying to bring awareness to world hunger. so she asked her dear family members to partake in a 24-hour fast, to get a taste of what life is like for those who are truly starving.
for those of you who were at the rehearsal of my wedding, you saw a perfect example of what happens when i don't eat every 2 hours. i am as grumpy as an irritated porcupine. srsly. (thanks sister-in-law E for giving me those skittles!)

at first i told CA NO WAY. then this morning when i was talking to my mom on the phone she was like "yeah, i'm totally doing it. so is your sister M....so is your Dad." i was all "MOM WTF? DAD IS DOING IT?! YOU CANNOT BE SEROIUS. I MEAN YOU AND M ARE HARD CORE, BUT IF DAD CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT. THAT'S IT, I'M DOING IT. SO IS JJ." except that i forgot that i am enduring a mean hangover from that bottle and a half of wine i shared with Rah last night. rats!

today i will do something new and different. i will keep an online diary of The Fast. the last time we ate was 7 pm last night after JJ and i saw New Moon (JJ is Team Jacob because, direct quote, "i like to root for the rebel." but i think it's because he likes the way Jacob looks with his shirt off. obviously i am Team Edward. 4evr) anyway, i will update the diary throughout the day. keep tabs!

and if you do decide to partake in the 24-hour fast, let me know so i can tell my sister how many peeps i recruited through my blog. the rules are: no eating, but can drink anything. except like a milkshake or a smoothie.

6 pm yesterday: jalepeno bagel and cream cheese, butternut squash soup.
7 pm yesterday: 4 almond kisses.
7-10 pm: 3/4 bottle of wine.
3 am: entire water bottle.

6:30 am: swig of soy milk out of the carton.
7:10 am: glass of emergen-C
7:30 am: peppermint latte JJ made me this morning. Poop Nazi told me i "look like a tree" this morning. thanks.
8:59 am: GIANT DUMP. cripes. that was last of the solid nutrition left in me.
9:20 am: not so bad. not so bad!!!
10:04 am: all i ever wanted in life was an egg mcmuffin.
10:15 am: Dee in 712 came to my desk. told her of The Fast. she gave me a dreadful look and said it was not a healthy thing to do. i assured her i would be ok.
10:55 am: have to speak loudly over the lion growl coming from my stomach.
10:59 am: text from JJ "i failed." my reply? "you're an asshole."
11:05 am: text from JJ "well, i stopped eating when i realized." me: "wait a minute, you seriously forgot you were supposed to be fasting? hahahahahahah"
11:25 am: a coworker just came by my desk and literally said to me, "excited for lunch today?" i said, "NO I'M FASTINGGGGGG" he said "shall i walk by your desk with a foot-long subway sandwich then?" i kindly asked him to leave.
11:30 am: "lunch" break. shaking hands. i tell the fat receptionist who probably just ate a rack of ribs before she came to my desk, relieves me for lunch. she asks why i don't look so good. i tell her about The Fast. as i grab my purse to leave she literally says to me, "have a nice lunch!" in a cheery voice. momentarily think of cutting off her head with a letter opener.
11:34 am: think about all the starving people in the world. what DO they eat when they are on the brink of hunger insanity? dirt? tree bark? like can i just shove a handful of gravel down my throat to fill my stomach?
11:45 am: go into safeway. buy one bottle of pelligrino and a bottle of snapple. oh, we need bread. grab some bread. OMG ADVENT CALENDARS! grab 2 advent calendars. oh yeah, those little easy-to-peel mandarin oranges. grab a box of mandarin oranges. gum, gum will help me. buy a pack of strawberry-banana gum.
11:50 am: remember that JJ and i had planned, since he has a day off today, to meet at San Francisco Sourdough for lunch. damn. text him that we shall change the time to 7 pm. after the fast.
11:54 am: get back to my desk early. bury myself in my work.
12:32 pm: text CA and tell her of my fate. she says, "uh oh, maybe you should eat a lil something...?" i send back, "no. i will not fail." then realize the irony. technically i do fail. i fail at life.
12:50 pm: rabid with hunger.
1:01 pm: F&%$ING RABID
1:28 pm: not so bad anymore. have i crossed a new threshold? only 5.5 hours to go!
2:15 pm: arrive at CP's house for babysitting.
2:16 pm: CP asks me to unload her delicious groceries. salivating.
3:00 pm: CP asks me to help her package SHORTBREAD COOKIES WITH ICING for a bake sale. kill me plz.
3:45 pm: start to sweat
4:15 pm: ready to pass out.
4:30 pm: shaking violently. am about to throw up.
4:41 pm: arrive at San Francisco Sourdough for my "break fast" meal.
4:42 pm: cannot wait any longer. technically i started the fast at 5 pm yesterday because all i had from 5-7 last night was 3 hershey kisses. inhale my small bag of salt & vinegar chips.
4:58 pm: still waiting for mine and JJ's sandwiches.
5:01 pm: get sandwiches and race home.
5:20 pm: get home. jump into pajamas. tell JJ it's best not to talk to me until i have eaten. he has the nerve to ask me, "WHAT'S WRONG?!?!?!"
5:21 pm: REALIZE. THERE. IS. ONLY. ONE. SANDWICH. IN. THE. BAG. completely lose my mind and start crying. HERE'S THE KICKER: WHOSE SANDWICH WAS FORGOTTEN? WHOSE?!?!?!?!? not my well-fed husband's, who quit The Fast after two hours. but mine. mine was the forgotten sandwich. THEY FORGOT MY FUDGING SANDWICH.
5:22 pm: back in the car, with a crazed look in my eye as we speed back to SFSD for the sandwich--MY sandwich. JJ tells me i need to calm down. i tell him where to shove it.
5:38 pm: storm into SFSD in floral pajama pants and slippers. walk up to the counter and cut off the person ordering. "HI I ORDERED 2 SANDWICHES AND ONLY GOT 1." every single one of the workers rushes to my side and they all say softly, "OHmyGOSH we tried to catch you, we are sooooo sorry." i shout, "I HAVE BEEN FASTING FOR 48 HOURS (because sometimes you just have to exaggerate) AND THIS WAS MY FIRST MEAL." "worker who was at fault for The Forgotten Sandwich laughs and i catch a glimpse at his golden tooth. i quietly envision a scene of me kicking him in the nuts then ripping out his golden tooth with my bare hands and taking said tooth to a pawn shop. so i finish, ".......that's why i look so CRAZY!!!" the guy hands me the sandwich and i sprint to the car. eat in silence as JJ drives us home.

the end.

disclaimer **World Hunger is not funny at all. we all know i'm a tad dramatic, and clearly i wasn't going to die from fasting for 24 hours, but it was extremely difficult. i can't imagine what it would be like to go days--even weeks without one morsel of food. i used my blog as a public outlet to support my sister's efforts. i made the topic light and airy with my descriptions, and indeed it was an incredibly Bad Day (i.e. shart, forgotten sandwich, 10-hour work day, etc.) but World Hunger is a serious and heartbreaking issue that is affecting millions of people every single day. please support the cause.

if you would like to help, but do not wish to endure The Fast please send a check made out to Pepperdine University with "24-hour Fast" written in the subject line to:

Charlotte Ann Graf
Pepperdine University
24255 Pacific Coast Highway
Malibu, CA 90263

Sunday, November 22, 2009

it's all about presentation

like i mentioned before, i will be helping out my Mother in the kitchen this Thanksgiving. so naturally, last night i picked out my Thanksgiving outfit, then practiced my entry into the dining room with the food. here are the finalists:

1. march in, knees high, chin high, quite like a baton-twirler, with the mashed potatoes high over my head.

2. low, sweeping steps into the dining room, with my right arm performing dramatic gestures towards the gravy in my left hand.

3. flit into the room like a fairy, with small, quick steps on my toes. place the dinner rolls delicately on the table.

4. hire a tall thin butler with a skinny moustache and slicked back hair, with a white towel draped over his arm to follow me around wherever i go, to make me look important.

5. big perma-smile on my face as i greet my loved ones into the home, unbeknownst to them i farted in the dining room.

6. waltz in with a cornucopia filled with money.

which one to choose? oh so many options...

First Snow 2009

when i think of the first snow, i picture myself cheering when the radio recited SHS as one of the schools who cancelled. i see myself outside with my sisters in my snow overalls that gave me major camel toe, careening down the driveway in the purple saucers that had our names on them. the wind in our hair, not a worry in sight. i think of snowmen and laughing at yellow snow. then i picture myself inside with rosy cheeks, mittens on the fireplace to dry (and that one time my ladybug mittens caught on fire and burned to ashes) drinking hot cocoa and watching a movie in our long johns. . .

First Snow 2009

last night:

JJ: "L! i will wake up tomorrow morning and go get you doughnuts before work! and i'll make you some Christmas Coffee" (i.e. espresso with peppermint mocha creamer)
L: "OK!!!! thanks i love you! JJ i think it's going to snow! eeee!!"
JJ: "no it's not. i can see the stars. no snow."
L: "JUST YOU WAIT! and OMG our wedding announcement is going to be in the paper tomorrow!!! eeeee!"


2 am: gotta tinkle since i drank some Emergen-C before bed. still no snow. harumph. maybe he was right.

6:30 am: ZING! out of bed. rush to window. SNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. SNOWWWWWWWWWWWWW. SSSSSSSSNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW! jump on top of JJ and yell at him to get me my doughnuts.
JJ: "noooooo, i'm not getting out of bed." more whining.
L: "you promised me doughnuts. you promised."
JJ: "i don't feel good."
L: "F I N E"

no doughnut. no coffe. no help shoveling the snow off my car. no snowmen. no purple saucer. no camel-toe snow overalls. no care-free wind in my hair. and no wedding announcement in the paper.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Christmas Season

for those of you that know me well, you are aware that i believe there nothing better in life than The Christmas Season. nothinggg!

except for candy canes. but that's it. i'm eating one right now. my favorite-- cherry flavored ones. i basically will eat at least one a day from now until Christmas. i bought four 12-pack boxes.

here are some of my very own personal traditions:

1. the day of the first snowfall, i will record a special Christmas Message on my answering machine. guess you'll have to call me and listen for yourself. FYI it is supposed to snow tomorrow, 11/22...

2. if your number is in my phone, it is very likely that i will call you at least once This Christmas Season and carol for you.

3. if you are immediate family or a bfff (bestf*&$ingfriendsforever) you have already, or will receive a miniature Christmas package with a burned CD of some of my favorite yules. (sorry to the rest of you...i sent out 15 packages this year--it's too pricey to send a Christmas Package to every one of my dear readers, but hey, email me your address and i will add you to mine and JJ's Christmas Card List).

4. i will fa-la-la-la-la everyday throughout the house to make everything jolly.

5. i will hush the room if a Christmas commercial comes on TV. i LOVE Christmas commercials.

6. i have written in my planner the entire schedule of the 25 Days of Christmas on abc Family.

7. i will buy Christmas costumes for Chanel & Cleo.

8. i have bought Christmas room spray and Christmas hand soap.

9. i have purchased a REALLY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS HAIR ACCESSORY that i will not tell you. it's a surprise and it's reallllllly cool.

10. i'm in a perma-good mood until Janurary 2.

what are your feelings/traditions about Christmas?

Free Poultry

obviously i try really hard to avoid any sort of activity for RW outside of my working hours. like i hate it here. the people i work with are a bunch of uneducated rednecks. (i.e. new employee in housekeeping is a pregnant chainsmoker. who has 2 kids named Tayvius and Beautiful Harmony...lets hope she doesn't "happen upon" my blog because i think she would slice my neck and drink my blood for dinner. and not in a sexy Twilight-ish way)

back to avoiding any work "things." the all-employee Christmas dinner, for example. NOT A CHANCE i would ever show up. ever. the all-employee summer picnic. again, NOT A CHANCE. all-employee appreciation day, all-employee baseball game...all-employee Christmas concert...

but i must admit. i partook in an all-employee event last Wednesday morning at 8:30 am. for some really odd reason, RW gives out a free Thanksgiving Turkey to every employee. i called my mom and asked her if she would be interested in the free Thanksgiving Turkey, and she was. so i schlepped over to RW to get the damn thing. there it was. my frozen solid 15.8-pound bird. i tipped my hat to the kitchen worker and bid him adieu, turkey in hand. it was seriously so heavy. i had to stop halfway to my car because of the crippling bird. and i thought to myself, "self, you are being really self-less right now. you are sweating and struggling, while holding this raw, frozen bird, when you don't even eat meat." the things we do for family.

anyway, i promised my mom i would help her in the kithen this year on Thanksgiving. it's going to be the best goddamn Thanksgiving we ever had. And To All Of My Family Members Who Will Be Eating My Turkey: you can thank ME when you are eating your deliciously-cooked dinner on Thursday and Grandma's Turkey Soup on friday. ME.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

"my" surprise

when i got home from Santa Barbara, JJ was waiting for me with Cleo in the front seat. he said to me, "i have a surprise for you at home!" i pictured a bouquet of flowers, a pack of skittles, or dare i say it--a clean house! i was excited the whole way home.

i walked in the door and saw them: the 2 brand new speakers sitting on either side of the TV. i rolled my eyes. i mean, what can you do? he's been wanting them for months. and he had a wonderful month in commissions. you just gotta let the man have his damn speakers.

so i did the half smile and was like OH GREAT. WHAT A GREAT SURPRISE. NEW SPEAKERS. I ALWAYS WANTED NEW SPEAKERS. and he was like NO NO NO WAIT FOR IT L!

so i waited.

he twiddled something on his computer, and Taylor Swift's Christmas album comes blaring through the new speakers.

so basically he wanted to ease me into his new purchase by making it a "gift" for me.

i smiled and gave him a kiss and said, "you are so wonderful. you know just what i like."

Monday, November 16, 2009


i got in really late last night so i had extra trouble getting up and out the door to work this morning. JJ was an especially irritated hibernating bear this morning when i asked him to make me a sandwich for lunch. he made it on the stalest bread ever. (i just tried to eat it and i couldn't) then i asked him if he could start my car and he didn't. so i got all huffy and marched outside in my bralette and black opaque tights with the hole in the right big toe and did it myself. it was not a happy morning. BUT i am using my new Juicy travel mug...it's pink and says in big bold letters "MAKE EVERY DAY HAPPY." it's a good one. i love it. i arrived to work in the nick of time and just when i was convincing myself to live by the words on my mug and start the day over in a happier mood.........in walks the Poop Nazi. (sorry to reader "Sarah" who disapproves of my negligent use of the word "Nazi" ...everyone knows her as PN already, some things are hard to change)

i was in the resident dining room, saying hello to the breakfast eaters and pouring hot water for tea into my new mug, PN shuffles in breathing heavily and says to me loudly "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GET COFFEE IN HERE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GET IT IN THE EMPLOYEE BREAK ROOM." i looked at her angrily and said, "it's water." and she goes, "OH. SORRY. I JUST DIDN'T WANT YOU TO GET IN TROUBLE." shut up, yes you did. you just yelled at me in front of my beloved residents you big asswipe. your whole life is trying to micro-manage me and make my life Miserable. she then proceeds to follow me to my desk, toddling behind me the whole way, and says to me as i sit down, "you look a little frazzled this morning, has it been hard getting the day going?" OHMYGHODDDD GET OUTTA MY FACE BITCH BEFORE I DEVASTATE YOUR NOSE WITH MY GIANT DESTRUCTIVE FIST. i just said, "i got home late last night," and focused intently on my computer screen. she toddled away.

and then i didn't see her for 3 whole hours. 3 HOURS OF A PN-FREE WORKZONE. UNBELIEVABLE. and then at 11:25 am she comes to my desk and i see her out of the corner of my eye so i pretend i'm Very Busy Doing Important Things. she then set her hands on my desk with her fake fuchsia-laquered nails grazing my nameplate and said, "i have been poked, prodded, folded, stapled and tortured all morning!" i replied, "mmmm..." she said, "look at me." i obeyed. what i saw almost made me pee my pants like that one time after school in the 7-11. i'm serious. her cheeks were enormous. like the size of her ass cheeks. a giant, man-eating chipmunk was standing before me. i tried realllllly hard to stifle my laughs, but i couldn't help but guffaw at her. so i allowed myself one. one guffaw. then i said, "oooh, ahhh, looks painful." then went back to my work. she said, "it is. really painful." and waddled away.

PN as man-eating chipmunk has MADE THIS DAY HAPPY.

trial motherhood

i went to Santa Barbara this last weekend to assist the family i babysit for during a wedding weekend. i am 98% sure i look marginally less hot than i did before i left. after spending four straight days with a 5-year-old, a 4-year-old and 7-month-old, i truly look at my mother in a new light. having 4 children under the age of 8 must have been truly daunting!

thursday night, 4-year-old S and i shared a bed in a beach house. 5-year-old M slept in the bed next to ours. midnight: S needs a glass of water. 1 am: M needs her back rubbed. 3 am: M wets the bed. strip bed, put M into bed with me and S. 4 am: M punches me in the ear. 6 am Friday: both children awake and ready for the day. 6:03 am: put frosty the snowman into my laptop while i get 20 minutes of extra sleep. status: tired but overall not bad. it was kind of fun, like a sleepover.

8 am Friday: walk on the beach with M and S. breakfast of cereal and fruit. 11 am: pack up children's gear and shove a taco down my throat while holding baby P. 12 pm: drive to check into the FOUR SEASONS. take one hour of free time. eat some ice cream. 1 pm: take 20 minute power car nap like a loser. 1:30 pm: stumble back into hotel still half asleep. but perk up after room service grilled cheese. 2 pm: shuffle children into the bath, get them dressed and ready for rehearsal. 3:30 pm: just me and baby P. feed her, play with her, watch some America's Funniest Home Videos. 5 pm: M and S get back to the room with 2 cousins. watch some Scooby Doo and eat pizza and cupcakes. 7 pm: diarrhea ensues. i will not disclose who had the troubles. 7:15 pm: kiddles all in bed. 8 pm: TLC Say Yes to the Dress marathon. SCORE! 10 pm: walk into room and see all 30 lbs of S taking up the entire bed. move him over. and he scoots back. move him over. scoot. move. scoot. move while jumping into bed action. scoots right on top of me. fall asleep.

6 am Saturday: kids up. UP. throw on some cartoons and drag myself to the shower. after shower, 5 games of Go Fish and 10 of Crazy Eights. read a book to the kids in bed. 8 am: kids jump into the bed of their poor parents who were out celebrating at the rehearsal dinner the night before. order ROOM SERVICE breakfast. 9:45 am: take M and S to the pool. even wearing a one-piece, have an almost-indecent-exposure incident. 10:45 am: back to the room. get kids bathed and dressed. get myself dressed. help recover CP's lost shoe. 1:30 pm: load into the car. bride's mother asks me to run into the drugstore to get some shoe pads for the bride. run into walgreens like a wild banshee screaming "WHERE ARE THE SHOE PADS!?!?!?" poor woman behind counter quietly says, "aisle 3." sprint to aisle 3 grab some dr. scholls run to checkout. guy ahead of me is literally counting out his payment in coins. when it is my turn, throw a 10 dollar bill in the girl's face, grab the shoe pads and the change and race back to the car. am celebrated for my speediness. 1:50 pm: get to the church. put baby P in her dress. go inside. sit down. take a breath. 2:05 pm: baby P starts crying. take her outside. falls asleep in my arms. 4 pm: arrive at reception. try to get baby back to sleep. S is on sugar high running rampant through the party. 5 pm: gather up children and herd them to the car. take them back to the beloved four seasons. get almost to the room and realize i didn't lock the car and didn't have a room key. drag 3 tired children up and down and all around until we finally get into the room. manage to wrestle them out of their formal wear and into pajamas. order room service yet again (will never ever tire of room service) and we feast and watch a show. 7:30 pm: kids in bed. watch confessions of a shopaholic. 9:30 pm: have a move-scoot war with S again and finally settle into bed. 10 pm: M needs a back rub. 1 am: S needs water. 1:30 am: my sister calls. 3 am: wake up slightly frightened with two little hands on either side of my face. 6 am on the mother-fudging dot: kids up and ready for the day. i mean, where does the energy come from!?!?!!? put on sesame street. get chastised for choosing "such a dumb baby show." put on Martha Speaks. 10 more minutes of sleep. games of Go Fish...Crazy Eights...breakfast...pool. M forces me to put my head under water. (at the four seasons they play music under water--SERIOUSLY!) waddle back to room. shower. pack up. back to the beach house. go for one last walk on the beach. give kids kisses goodbye and head to the airport. the silence in my life at this point is a love/hate thing.

overall i had a good time, it was so much fun. and i love love love the kids. but motherhood is hard work. kudos to all the momz out there.

realize 2 things after weekend trip as a pseudo-mom: 1. i think i am prepared for anything when the time comes for me. 2. if i have to watch Barbie Swan Lake one more time, i think i will gauge my eyeballs out.

Monday, November 9, 2009

The Rug Dr.

my mom is coming into town tonight. what better time than yesterday to rent the Rug Dr., scour the litter box, clean the toilet, wash the sheets,strip the couch covers and douse them in bleach, etc. etc. i mean, my house is as clean as martha fudging stewart's right now.

but of course my cleaning Did Not Go Off Without Irritating Experiences. first, i sent JJ out to rent the Rug Dr. he came back in a huff because apparently you have to have a WA state driver's license in order to rent. JJ still has his little round-faced 16-year-old self beaming from his CA state lisence. so back to the grocery store we went. Cleo wanted to come for the ride. we left her in the car and went in to rent (ohyeahandwealsopickedupaturtlecheesecakenobigdeal) we opened the car doors to load the Dr. into the car and an overwhelming stench overcame us. we gagged and cursed and screamed right there in the suburban grocery store parking lot. and it was 8 pm so it was pitch black. we couldn't find the source of the smell. so i was like "CLEO I KNOW IT WAS YOU, WHERE IS IT? WHERE'S THE PILE?!?!" her tail went between her legs. JJ called her another word for the female genitalia. all four car doors are open, my purse is thrown on the ground and the Dr. is laying defenseless on its side. we are taking about 6 parking spaces with our spectacle. 2 people screaming at a dog and trying not to throw up.

"I'VE FOUND IT," exclaimed JJ, as proud as a pirate who found a buried treasure. and there it was. a pile of shit. a pile of shit in the back seat of my car. i grabbed the pile with a plastic bagged hand and threw it all away. JJ and i organized ourselves and tucked everything nicely into the vehicle and Cleo came and sat obediently on my lap, with a tall, confident posture as if she didn't just plant the nastiest dump on my leather upholstery. idiot.

we get home and of course i Rug Dr. the entire house while JJ sits on his ass eating bon-bons, pointing and stating "you've missed a spot, there." when i finished, i felt wonderful. triumphant. i took one look around the room and said, "good job, self. pat. on. the. mother. fudging. BACK." and out of the corner of my eye, i see Cleo, squatting and taking a giant piss on my newly Rug Doctored carpet.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Party Trick

i have always been envious of those with a Party Trick. for instance, Cameron Diaz's character in "What Happens in Vegas" cuts the top of a champagne bottle with a knife. one of my roommates senior year, P is able to recite every word in the song "Ice Ice Baby" Moon can take a shot faster than anyone i know with her guzzling abilities, and Sam is able to do the splits.

i've thought and thought about the things that make me cool. and all i could come up with is my loud personality, ability to last 4+ days without a shower, and a love for all things Jim Carrey. those don't work. i had given up on my Party Trick Quest months ago, until last night...

my sister-in-law SHG is a high school English teacher, and while she was grading mid-terms, she had a laugh. her facebook status read "grading literature papers...'Beowulf is a piece of Anglo-Saxon litter.' thanks spell check." i laughed. then i was promted to think about the ENTIRE COURSE in college i took on Beowulf and Beowulf alone (the movie also conveniently came out during this semester. RedG and i went, didn't love it, but didn't hate it) i thought about how now, in retrospect, i really did grow to enjoy the class and actually consider it to be one of my favorites and most memorable. i thought about how everyone laughed during my presentation when i said "i found it interesting that in the Old English version of 'Beowulf,' the word 'wæpen' (pronounced 'way-pen') means both 'weapon' and 'penis'." i thought about how shocked i was at the amount of information i had learned at the end of the class, especially that-----OHMYGHOD I HAVE A PARTY TRICK

see below.

it's The Lord's Prayer in Old English. i am soooooooooo COOL.

did you check out my new tank top? I AM SO BLOGGING THIS

the apparent problem

the desk i share with 4 other receptionists had a twinge of a sour rotten smell eminating around it last week. my first instinct was to smell my hands, then my feet. my armpits, my clothes, and my croth/butt area. all clear. it was not me. i sniffed and i sniffed, trying to find the source. i stuck my head in the garbage. nothing. i put my face against the carpet and took a whiff, nothing. i smelled the mouse, the keyboard, the phone, the printer, even the paper shredder. all good.


i figured it was probably something to do with the new carpet installation that was going on in the other room. but today i came into work, and the smell is much more powerful. and now i think someone is playing a dirty trick on me.

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