Saturday, January 17, 2009

Doggie Dayz

because it's January and i'm so bored i could die, i got a wild hair in my bhole and decided to enroll my dumb (adorable little schmoooochie wooooochie) dog Foxy Cleopatra in Dog Obedience Classes. i asked JJ to come with me.....he just stuttered trying to think of excuses, so i cut him off and went alone.

I HATE DOG OBEDIENCE CLASSES. but i pre-paid for 8 weeks. so i'm going to stick it out...but here's why it completely BLOWS:

i brought the 3 required items: dog treats, a blanket with my "scent" (wtf?) and a leash. with the first breath i took in that awful building, i gagged. the smell is DAUNTING. i mean, it's completely unbearable. buhllgggghhh. so i had to recede quietly back out the door and take like 7 huge, deep, clean Janurary breaths before i ventured back inside. i gagged a few more times standing next to the garbage can (just in case) then i went to the desk and paid.

Dog Obedience People are a whole different breed (pun intended). i mean, it's incredible. they're vicious. there was a man and his son, who got a yellow lab for Christmas (HOW ORIGINAL). a couple with 2 dogs who actually talked to them like this: "Brix, little puppy, are you going to go to class with mommy?!" and...this happened...."mommy" picked up brix's paw during class and waved it and whispered "look Brix...there's daddy and Rocko!! give them a wave!" it was disgusting. there are 3 pitbulls (nice, Spokane) in the class, a great dane who is larger than me, a stupid pug who snorts snot, etc etc. there are 14 dog-owner teams total. and Cleo is XXS by like 10 pounds.

and of course my dog sucks in class. i have the bad kid who doesn't do anything but sit and wag her tail. and everyone in the class shows off what their dog can do. it's worse than an upper-middle-class private school PTA meeting i'm not kidding. we all had to introduce ourselves and our dogs and say what we wanted out of the class. people said things like "Cocoa knows how to 'sit' and 'stay' and 'lay down' already, i just want her to be socialized." blah blah blah. i said "i don't want my dog to shi---i mean poop (couldn't say shit because the Boy and His Christmas Puppy) on my carpet." because that's the honest-to-God truth. i'm not trying to showcase my dog's talents. her talent is her uncanny ability to shred newspaper into a million pieces. or to poo in secret places that i never find until it's crusted onto to floor.

i hated everyone. until we went out for a potty break and this big huge guy who had an English-Pointer-Something goes, "dude, my dog has never been on a leash haha!" and i was like "mine either. she's embarrassing me in front of these die-hard Dog Obedience People." he laughed. which stroked my ego. so i like him. at least there's one normal person.

and when the great dane Floyd came galloping at an impressive speed with its mouth open towards Foxy Cleopatra, i picked her up and ran. because that thing weighs more than the both of us. then i was chastised. "Keep the dog on the ground at all times during class. she needs to learn how to be confident." i felt like saying "well why don't i throw you in a boxing ring with Mike Tyson. maybe that will teach you how to be confident." but i didn't.

even though i hate Puppy Class, i took my folder with that week's homework (that is real. we have HOMEWORK) and have been practicing "sit" and "lay down." and we also have a little something up our sleeves that no one else's dumb dog will know how to do: when i say "Cleopatra are you pretty?" she twirls around. eat that Dog Obedience People who think fashion means wearing a special doggie-treat-dispensing-fanny-pack. uglh. 7 more weeks to go.


  1. please tell me you have a fanny pack with treats and poop bags?! i'm dying laughing. DYING!!

    those obsessive dog owners probably balled their eyes out in marley and me like a certain friend of ours...

  2. Dogs have innate talents; Cleo's talent is to look needy and adorable, kind of like her owner. I too am curious where you keep your doggie treats, and where do you get doggie treats small enough for Cleo? At the end of this episode I found myself thinking very highly of JJ, clearly he has brains!


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