Catholic Marriage Preparation Class.
8 couples. monday nights. 6:30-8:30.
status: session completed.
overview: perpetual embarrassment.
first day of class: teacher says "welcome." i say welcome back. very awk, as mentioned in a previous blog.
200 question "test." taken the first day. question #34: agree disagree or undecided. "i feel embarrassed or ashamed at the prospect of my future spouse seeing me naked." i died laughing. no one else did. except for JJ and he was in the other room.
50+ teacher with bad haircut: "when i say 'i love you,' i use different contexts each time. for instance, i will say 'i love you' when he does something nice, or when i'm feeling passionate, or when i'm feeling sad. and i say it differently when i want his body." DIED laughing. tried to hold it in. tears. JJ nudged me very hard with elbow.
when discussing "alone time" and "personal space" i say: "in europe they are terrible with personal space. they get all up in yer grrriilllll." stares from classmates. lean over to JJ and whisper, "did i just say 'grill?'" JJ: "yes. yes you did."
during parenting session, talking about "a woman's cycle" and childbirth and how that differentiates her emotional experiences from a man's: JJ pocket calls my sister MM. MM screams "HELLO!? HEELLLOOOO?!?!?!?!?!? hello? HELL-O?! HHHEEELLLOOO?!?!?!?!?" everyone looks around to see where the noise is coming from. even JJ. i lean over to him and say "that is MM screaming from your pants. please reach into your pocket and push the end button."
when discussing finances: "i never went grocery shopping in college. i spent all my money on clothes." horrified collective gasp from classmates. "well now i have to grocery shop obviously because i have to feed him." JJ rolls eyes.
when discussing finances part deux: "i got great financial advice from that dave ramsey guy's book...you know the one?" no one knew. "well that, and the shopaholic books...has anyone read shopaholic books?" stares. no one knew those either. snobby law student girl with bad jeans says "the movie looks OK." the movie was effing fabulous. mental bitch slap to her.
when discussing one-on-one with teacher, comparing "test" answers. i get the dumb fiance who is one bubble off on half the questions. so teacher looks at me very seriously and says, "i am very concerned with question #57. JJ put 'i agree' on 'i am worried about my future spouse's addiction to drugs." there were no words. red with embarrassment/anger as JJ turns to me and says in a jovial tone, "come on L lay off the cocaine!!" silence. cough. silence. mental bitch slap to him.
question #104: "i am often frightened by my future spouse." JJ of course put "i agree." for the love of mary and joseph. "thanks JJ. first i'm a drug addict now i beat you." teacher stares. mental bitch slap #2 to him.
Questions #110-140: religion. "we aren't very religious." teacher: "you really need to work on allowing God into your relationship." hated us for the last 30 minutes of session. tells JJ he should be a ministry leader to help his faith.
teacher on my future career: "i think you should be a professional closet organizer." (WTF?!) mental bitch slap to her.
final verdict from the teacher: since JJ and is an absolute idiot: "i sense volatility here." (dictionary.com: "volatile: tending or threatening to break out into open violence; explosive." YA THINK? i want to kick JJ in the nuts at this point for screwing up the Catholic Marriage bubbled "test") teacher: "but i think you two will be fine." fine? thanks, asshole. mental bitch slap #2 to her.
i don't care what she says. she hasn't had a TV is 30 years. she is stupid. i love JJ and we will live happily ever after.