Monday, March 30, 2009
The Poop Nazi is in an exceptionally nasty mood today. she must have had trouble taming her mullet this morning. it's hard to be a receptionist. everyone thinks you're dumb. i told my mom how rude Poop Nazi was being and she said, "kill the biotch with kindness." sound advice.
i had weeeeird dreams last night.
1. i was 8 months pregnant in a bar taking shots. and i was rubbing my belly and it felt really big in my dream which makes me wonder if i really was rubbing my real belly in my sleep. which appalls me because does that mean my belly is big?
2. i was on an airplane with britney spears. the top of the plane flew off and we had a crash landing on an LA freeway. the plane sort of just convertible-rode it on the freeway. we (me and brit) just put on our sunglasses and let the wind flow through our hair. we quite enjoyed the ride.
3. the entire town of Selah was riding a bus and passing around a blunt. the mayor was wearing a bob marley wig. (JJ and i have been watching Showtime's "Weeds" lately...)
4. Cleo jumped off the bed to poop. oh wait, that was real.
Last week we got a giant package that was as tall as my waist. i found out that my grandma and aunt had bought my wedding shower gifts and accidentally sent them to me. well obviously i wasn't going to open it. i was going to take it back home with me next week. well, JJ and i went on Little Date Night (dinner and a movie) and forgot to give Cleo a bone to gnarl on while we were gone........she loves cardboard though........and chewed a tiny hole right through our wedding gift box. what did i see? the unmistakable "K" in Kitchenaid. SWEET! but, it wasn't my fault! Cleo opened it, not me or JJ! now i don't want to take it back. i want to open it and use it. you know, like actually bake something.
just an hour ago i went to shopbop.com and found the cutest ever one piece black swimsuit with a super ruffly shoulder strap. it was roughly 200 dollars. i realllly want it. but no cigar. sometimes you just gotta say no. so i went to victoriassecret.com and somehow spent roughly 200 dollars on 5 swimsuits. i got more bang for my buck, yet i still spent 200 dollars. hopefully about 3 of them will be ugly and i'll return them and get my money back. maybe. just maybe.
also, i have a cyclops zit. thanks, God.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
we were so embarrassed and so pissed off. we just wanted our first party to be big and beautiful.
it wasn't until about 11 PM when everybody had drank all the beer at all the other parties, that they decided to meander in to ol Big Blue.
we are thinking it's OK since people did show up, even if at the end. then people start sniffing. and turning their noses and making faces. there is a horrid rotten unmistakable smell in the air: dog poo.
SOMEONE TRACKED DOG SHIT ON THEIR SHOE INTO OUR LAME PARTY.
it wasn't until the next morning when i was bagging the empty cans when it hit me: maybe, just maybe, we just weren't as cool as we thought.
(DISCLAIMER: we threw about 4 more parties that year, each ending in success)
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
we have booked our honeymoon! a southern caribbean cruise. what a delight! i'll be stuck in a 10 by 10 room with JJ and his smelly self for seven nights! just kidding......kind of.
and here is something that really steams my clams: (term acquired by JJ. what an old man) you know when you have a favorite something? and you love it so much? then you get a slap in the face when you walk merrily into the store to replenish your stash, and you have such a good feeling like "wow, i can't wait to get a brand new one!" then you go to the place where it's usually at, and a huge rush of panic overcomes you when your product has been replaced by some new-fangled Hannah Montana something-or-other. then you stumble to the counter and ask where the hell your fave product is, and they salesperson is like, "sorry, we no longer carry that here." and you wonder why there is a reason for living.
why do all the good things disappear? it is so unjust. they want us to get attatched to their product, then when we do, they take the rug out from under us and discontinue the damn thing.
just a small collection of the things that are no longer:
1. Mary Key nail polish in classic red: 1.5 bottles left. well *#&% a duck. 2 coats is no longer a luxury i can afford.
2. grey lace Hollister tank: mine is hanging on by a thread. i've already knotted it 3 times on the right shoulder. what shall i do when it finally dies?
3. Bonnie Bell Eye Sugar (mocha-scented eyeshadow): what a little treat! you smell chocolate mocha all day long. just half the tube left. i've been saving it since high school.
4. The Original Wet Seal Tube Top: my white one is a liiiiittle greyish. but they now make them out of a cheap spandex-polyester blend. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!?!?!
5. VS Beauty Rush lip gloss in peach fizz: down to my last tube of it. use sparingly. (aka date nights)
6. The fuzzy chick stickers i got for Easter one year (circa 94): they were really cool!!!
7. black Champion hoodie from Target: zipper is now a green paperclip. i tried to buy a replacement last year but i was fooled! the imposter black hoodie had too short of arms and not enough stretch in the pockets.
8. Wet n' Wild sparkly powder: adds just the right amount of shimmer for a summer cheeky look. now you tell me why they would discontinue such a wonderful thing?
what kinds of wonderful things have been taken from YOU?
THIS JUST IN: BURGER KING HAS DISCONTINUED THEIR BUFFALO SAUCE. MIGHT AS WELL PLAN TO DIE.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
i generally hate the color green, so last year i had nothing to wear besides solid kelly green sweat pants. and i wore them. all day and all night. even to the bar! and you know what? it was great because i just got home and went to bed. i was already in my pajamas!
but this blog isn't about st. pat's day. no, no it isn't. it's about something much more seroius and important. it's about The Poop Nazi at work.
when i drink coffee in the morning, i gotta go at 8. at 8 on the dot. and i go to my safe haven bathroom down the hall that no one else goes to. and it's fine. i'm away from my desk for approximately 3 minutes. not a big deal. well the other day i came out of the bathroom and the CEO's executive assistant (aka The Poop Nazi) is standing at my desk. looking at me very seroiusly. she said, "you need to tell someone when you're going to leave your desk." i said, "i just went to the bathroom. i was gone only 3 minutes." she said, "you can't leave the desk." and i said, "well what should i do when i have to go to the bathroom?" pause. SIGH. huff. eye roll. bigger SIGH. "just call me, and i'll cover for you while you go."
yesterday i called The Poop Nazi at 7:59 and said, "hi, i have to go to the bathroom." huff. SIGH. eye roll (i'm assuming) "ok, i'll be out in a minute." LADY I DON'T HAVE A MINUTE I GOTTA TAKE A COFFEE DUMP. "ok, thank you." when she got to my desk at 8:07, i did the funky "i gotta poo" dance/walk all the way to the bathroom. and instead of taking 3 minutes, i took my sweet ass time. i sat, and i did my business, and i pulled the toilet paper out of the dispenser and i folded it nicely and neatly. and i washed my hands twice. and i fixed my hair. and i blew my nose. so i had to wash my hands again. then i straightened my clothes and i laughed at myself in the mirror and said, "you clever little monkey" and sauntered back to my desk, even stopping to chat with Harry, Ed, Ladd and Bill. (these old men gossip like a bunch of geese). anyway, i got back to my desk, smiled sweetly and said," thank you." she just huffed and puffed and went back to her desk.
"thats right," i though to myself, "you don't mess with poop."
Sunday, March 15, 2009
well 9:30 rolls around and my stomach is a growlin'. so i eat my tomatoes and cottage cheese which did not even phase my hunger. so i ate my applesauce too. i thought, "this is fine! i'll just have TBell for lunch!" then i remembered that JJ and i made a promise to God and gave up fast food For Lent. well, shit.
my options are:
1. stale popcorn downstairs at work. from tuesday.
2. break my promise to JJ and God
3. eat in the employee breakroom.
i. regrettably. chose. option. 3.
i walzted into the kitched and got: 1 crabcake, 1 scoop of garlic mashed potatoes, 1 spoonful of mixed vegetables, 1 roll, and 1 dessert.
the crabcake was imitation crab
the mashed potatoes were cold-ish
the mixed vegetables were oversteamed and totally limp
the roll was butterless
and the dessert was a maplebar brownie that was disgusting and sugar-free (for the oldies with diabetes)
and there was nothing to drink but 2 percent milk. bulhgghh
and who do you think sat next to me? a housekeeper who looks a bit like she just escaped from prison. in a navy blue jumpsuit and wet hair combed back, and big tinted glasses. while i was poking at my crabcake (which i am still burping up), she starts telling me about how she donates plasma twice a week for money. then she shows me her built-up scar tissue in her crook. i couldn't even finish my sugar-free maplebar brownie. then she gets up, puts on her jacket that says "SPOKANE TRUCK RALLEY 05" and says, "well...see ya later, i gotta go smoke." i just sat there a bit traumatized. then i just sort of zombie stumbled my plate and fork back into the kitchen. then the French chef Y. Droogsman with checkered pants yelled at me to "geet out of my keetchen weeth thee dirtee deeshes!!!" apparently there's a special spot to deposit them.
i woke up on friday feeling annoyed. just in a terrible mood. and of course Chanel was hungry so she paced around my bed until i got up to feed her. and she got all tangled in my feet (plus balance in the morning isn't quiiiite up to par) so i tripped over her royal fatness and fell. then screamed at her. all this commotion woke Cleopatra up, and while i was gathering my bearings again, the little shit jumped off the bed and just peed. right on the carpet. and with no shame. and i could hear it. the pee hitting the carpet. ARRGHHHHH so i threw her outside, fed Chanel, and went back to bed. i just wasn't ready for the world yet. my pets already destroyed my morning.
after regis and kelly i finally decided to try and get up again. truthfully i felt a bit rejuvenated and felt pretty good. kelly clarkston was the guest and she got as fat as a whale, and i'm still skinny. so i looked both ways (no Chanel in sight this thime) and popped out of bed. i wiggled into some "exercise clothes" and texted JJ: "where is a good place to walk a dog?" and he told me to go up this hill by our house, which led me to a housing development. so i texted him again: "you want me to walk the dog in a housing development that we don't live in? you are SO STUPID nevermind i should have googled it." and then i just screamed in agitation because when i was trying to type in "googled," my phone kept saying "foogled." which for some reason realllly set me off that morning.
so i turned my car around and we drove to a trail. we got out and started walking. "this is nice" i thought to myself, then Cleo stops, sniffs and garbles up a piece of white goose poop. dammmmmmmittttttt CLEOOOOOO!!!!!
we had a pleasant little jaunt about Spokane, then went home for a nap. when we woke up i had to go to work for a couple of hours. then the kids ditched me to hang out with their neighbor and his babysitter.
i decided to call my mom and complain about the economy and my lack of a stable career, then i needed a drink. so i called Rah (MNO!) and we went to a dirty bird bar and got a $7 pitcher of beer and complained about our lives for about an hour. ("well all i ever wanted was a backyard...then i'll be happy." gulp. "well all that i ever wanted was a career." gulp. sigh. gulp.) then we went to the hockey game. and JUST OUR LUCK it was Buck Night (as in hotdogs, popcorn and pop are all $1 a piece!!!) so we wait in the beer line (no Buck Night on Beer damn) and it's about 3 miles long. after we wait the 15 minutes to get to the front, the beermaid with 1 tooth (not an exaggeration) said, "it's all foam. sorry. try the next stand."
i couldn't even help but scream "I. HATE. SPOKANE." into Rah's ear. so about 3 hours later we finally get beer but OF COURSE THEY ARE OUT OF BUCK POPCORN at the stand. so we go to the next stand. the girl was chattering to her friend but i cut in and said, "yes, 2 Buck Popcorns and a peanut m&m please." she hands me the popcorn as i hand her hello kitty, and just as i am about to touch my tongue to that buttery salty goodness, she said, "oh sorry, we don't take anything but cash." i slowly slid my tongue back into my mouth, set the almost-damaged popcorn back onto the counter and made my eyes slanty at the girl. then i sighed and we went to our seats. by this time the second period is halfway over. BUT what do i find under my seat?! a glorious set of unopened, unused cheerstix! (you know, the long things you inflate and bang together?) so obviously Rah and i opened them and shared them and banged them on the glass and were having a jolly good time.
then 2 men (one tall and skinny, the other short and leprechaun-y) came and sat next to us. one says to the other, "where are my cheerstix?" i nudge Rah and we quietly set "our" cheerstix on the ground. then they look at us. but of course we pretend like we have no idea what they're talking about. we just look straight forward at the players' butts. then the Leprechaun gets all huffy and whispers something (probably mean) to Tall Skinny. then they storm off. MEN. such babies.
then back to the dirty bird bar for one nightcap. a fat married man asks me to buy him a drink. i mean, do i look like the kind of person who buys a fat married man a drink? no. idiot.
from start to finish it was just one of those days. like, just when i think things might be perking up, something else crap happens. so i said to myself before bed, "goodbye crap day. tomorrow is new." then i woke up with diarrhea.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
in the airport i have a coffee and just when the lady on the intercom says, "bording all rows," i feel a growler. so i go to the bathroom while JJ is shaking his head at me. i said, "WHAT?! i can't control my plumbing." he is just OCD about being on time. i am not.
last night we went to the king's hockey game. his dad has season tickets and it's something we have to do everytime we go to JJ's house. the king's name is never optional. so naturally his mother and i drink wine before the game so we are pleasantly tipsy. while i was finishing my last glass at the restaurant, JJ suddenly grabs my arm and says, "we.have.to.go.NOW.i have to poop and there's barf and pee on the toilets in this bathroom." "but i'm not yet finished with my wine!!!" i say. "i do not care. chug it and we gotta go." so i did. i chugged it. then he pulled my hand and we sprinted out of that door faster than a jaguar that belongs to a man with a mid-life crisis.
when we get to staples center (the ice arena) he bolts to the bathroom and i stand outside and wait (for like 4 hours). i'm just giggly because of the wine and i put my hands on my hips and lean backward and forward, stretching a little, looking this way and looking that way, just being leisurely and oblivious. and i look over at this older gentleman standing near the restrooms and he's laughing, trying to cover his mouth with his hand, and i'm like, hmm something must be funny so i look around. then. i. feel. a breeze. and i look down. my sweater buttons popped open and my boobs fell out. i look from my boobs to the man and back to my boobs. then i swiftly zip up my jacket and all i can do is laugh. i laugh and i laugh and i laugh. i sit on the floor for a moment and laugh some more. then when JJ gets out i tell him and he just shakes his head and grabs my hand and takes me to the souvenir shop to buy me a t-shirt. go kings.
then this afternoon we met our friend Tom in santa barbara for lunch and we are just strolling down the street and a scraggly looking man dressed in all black walks up to us and says quite frankly, "do you have fifty cents to spare? i need a shotgun and some PCP."
cali is great.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
today i had a canker sore the size of neptune on my gum where a wisdom tooth would be. i sucked on it, and it popped, and i accidentally swallowed the fluid. i lose.
a wonderful thing happened to me. my absolute favorite resident here is Dee in room 712. she is partially blind and comes down every morning to have me check her makeup. she says she trusts me to tell her the truth. and i'll never forget the story of when she switched her eyeliner and lipliner, ("those damn estee lauder pens all look and feel the same! especially when you're blind!") and ended up with red-framed eyes and some major-gothic black lips.
she spent the majority of her young adult years being a fabulous flight attendant, and when she decided to settle down and get married, she and her husband traveled everywhere, even stopping in Africa to live for a few years. Dee is quite fabulous, and has more than a few vintage Dior scarves, if you catch my drift.
about a month ago, Dee came down and asked about my wedding dress. i described it to her and she cut me off and said, "i'll be right back!" when she came down, she had the most beautiful mini hand-beaded purse with a rhinestone and crystal clasp. and it is the exact shade of my wedding dress. i about cried with happiness when she presented it to me. however, part of the retirement community's employee policy is that we are not allowed to accept gifts from the residents. i reminded her of this, and she said, "i know, but i have a plan."
there is a place in the basement called "the corner store" which is sort of like a goodwill for the retirement community. the residents can donate unwanted items, and they are put up for sale. i find neat little things there all the time. most recently i got a framed picture of a church on a hill, very adorable, for only 3 bucks! and just friday i bought a pair of tiny white leather gloves with a scalloped edge...2 dollars! a co-worker of mine bought a vera wang scarf for a buck last week, and one lucky employee even scored a floor length fur jacket for 25 dollars. i mean, this place is a jackpot.
so we executed Dee's plan: she met me at my desk for my break, then she took me and the purse down to the corner store, donated it, then i immediately bought it....this phenomenonally hand crafted one-of-a-kind vintage purse, was all mine for five dollars. five dollars! i thanked her profusely and she said, "well there's a story that goes along with that purse."
then she showed me an old picture of herself, her husband, and.....none other than Richard Nixon! she wore this wonderful little purse to Nixon's inauguration Ball! absolutely amazing. she was a personal flight attendant for the president on his private jet, and even more...she was friends with the Nixons, up until they passed away. she and Pat were penpals for many many years.
so my "something old" for the wedding is a purse that was worn to a presidential inauguration ball. i win!
Dee is obviously invited to my wedding.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
so she gets free flights to hawaii from my parents while i have to buy fifteen dollar jeans from rave. huh.
so i thought to myself "self you really need a nice treat." and i may have been a bit overzealous when using my custom-designed bank of america sanrio hello kitty credit card. but i am happy that i bought: a flight to visit Sam in april in arizona, land of the cacti; and a flight to visit Crazylegs in may in NYC, land of our green lady. i think i saw hello kitty's smile turn into a frown after those purchases. but i just said, "hello kitty you shut up."
and also, because i am so busy, i rush about going a little nutty everywhere. last week was sooo jam packed, and i had exactly 3 hours to clean my house. so i power swept and power mopped and power litterboxed and power vacuumed. that last one got me into a bit o trouble. i was vacuuming with such speed and conviction (and it was truly exhilirating) that i lost control and it hit the washing machine. which made the vacuum stop cold. which made my crotch bone ram into the vacuum handle. i screamed at Cleo, because she was the only one home, and it was partially her fault because....well actually it wasn't her fault in the slightest, i just needed to blame my stupidity on someone. i was so annoyed that i had to leave the house. and so i grabbed hello kitty and bought a pot for my fichus.
last night when we were gone, Chanel the obese feline, climbed onto the fridge and pushed her container of food onto the ground. it broke, spilling the food, and Cleo ate it all. so now Cleo has dog diarrhea. am going to have to take hello kitty to petsmart for some more cat food. which is extremely annoying because all Cleo did was eat 9 dollars worth of cat food only to shit it out immediately.
and today, JJ and i are going registering for the wedding. all i want in life is versace china. but the dinner plate alone is 90 dollars. there are just some things that my hello kitty (or anyone else's CC for that matter...well, besides bill gates) cannot buy.