Sunday, March 15, 2009

fatal. mistake.

this morning i realized we were out of mayonnaise. i cursed under my breath and looked around the kitchen. i mean, what the hell am i supposed to pack for lunch if i can't make a cheese mustard and extra mayo sandwich? i finally copied KitKat's favorite and packed tomatoes and cottage cheese.

well 9:30 rolls around and my stomach is a growlin'. so i eat my tomatoes and cottage cheese which did not even phase my hunger. so i ate my applesauce too. i thought, "this is fine! i'll just have TBell for lunch!" then i remembered that JJ and i made a promise to God and gave up fast food For Lent. well, shit.

my options are:
1. stale popcorn downstairs at work. from tuesday.
2. break my promise to JJ and God
3. eat in the employee breakroom.

i. regrettably. chose. option. 3.

i walzted into the kitched and got: 1 crabcake, 1 scoop of garlic mashed potatoes, 1 spoonful of mixed vegetables, 1 roll, and 1 dessert.

the crabcake was imitation crab
the mashed potatoes were cold-ish
the mixed vegetables were oversteamed and totally limp
the roll was butterless
and the dessert was a maplebar brownie that was disgusting and sugar-free (for the oldies with diabetes)
and there was nothing to drink but 2 percent milk. bulhgghh

and who do you think sat next to me? a housekeeper who looks a bit like she just escaped from prison. in a navy blue jumpsuit and wet hair combed back, and big tinted glasses. while i was poking at my crabcake (which i am still burping up), she starts telling me about how she donates plasma twice a week for money. then she shows me her built-up scar tissue in her crook. i couldn't even finish my sugar-free maplebar brownie. then she gets up, puts on her jacket that says "SPOKANE TRUCK RALLEY 05" and says, "well...see ya later, i gotta go smoke." i just sat there a bit traumatized. then i just sort of zombie stumbled my plate and fork back into the kitchen. then the French chef Y. Droogsman with checkered pants yelled at me to "geet out of my keetchen weeth thee dirtee deeshes!!!" apparently there's a special spot to deposit them.

never again.


  1. It's "faze", not "phase". How can one run out of mayo and not know it? And just hope you never need plasma from Spokane Truck Rally 2005!

  2. Literally chortled/snorted/gasped my way through the description of your lunch. I think I'm going to throw up. 2% milk? Really? I would rather eat Benny Pierre's (mini) eye boogers.

  3. no way: "SPOKANE TRUCK RALLEY 05"

    where can i find one.

  4. this reminds me of when i worked at the ol' garden village. i only went into the break room to get free cake/doughnuts/milk shakes/cookies/hot dogs/bbq (all of the employees were fat, weird) but every time i did someone weird would tell me their life story and leave me baffled. must just be the geriatric employee pool.

  5. hows life you get cake cookies and doughnuts, i get sugar-free dessert.


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