Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Poop Nazi

happy st. pat! boy the 75+ crowd sure love to pinch! last st. pat's day was right after spring break. the snow had just melted the day before. Crazylegs, The Black Dahlia and i found a candy cane. what a little treat! but that seems to be happening this year too. as the snow melts, Spokane residents are finding their lawn reindeer and blow up snowmen. it's quite funny really. like a little bit o christmas in the spring.

i generally hate the color green, so last year i had nothing to wear besides solid kelly green sweat pants. and i wore them. all day and all night. even to the bar! and you know what? it was great because i just got home and went to bed. i was already in my pajamas!

but this blog isn't about st. pat's day. no, no it isn't. it's about something much more seroius and important. it's about The Poop Nazi at work.

when i drink coffee in the morning, i gotta go at 8. at 8 on the dot. and i go to my safe haven bathroom down the hall that no one else goes to. and it's fine. i'm away from my desk for approximately 3 minutes. not a big deal. well the other day i came out of the bathroom and the CEO's executive assistant (aka The Poop Nazi) is standing at my desk. looking at me very seroiusly. she said, "you need to tell someone when you're going to leave your desk." i said, "i just went to the bathroom. i was gone only 3 minutes." she said, "you can't leave the desk." and i said, "well what should i do when i have to go to the bathroom?" pause. SIGH. huff. eye roll. bigger SIGH. "just call me, and i'll cover for you while you go."

yesterday i called The Poop Nazi at 7:59 and said, "hi, i have to go to the bathroom." huff. SIGH. eye roll (i'm assuming) "ok, i'll be out in a minute." LADY I DON'T HAVE A MINUTE I GOTTA TAKE A COFFEE DUMP. "ok, thank you." when she got to my desk at 8:07, i did the funky "i gotta poo" dance/walk all the way to the bathroom. and instead of taking 3 minutes, i took my sweet ass time. i sat, and i did my business, and i pulled the toilet paper out of the dispenser and i folded it nicely and neatly. and i washed my hands twice. and i fixed my hair. and i blew my nose. so i had to wash my hands again. then i straightened my clothes and i laughed at myself in the mirror and said, "you clever little monkey" and sauntered back to my desk, even stopping to chat with Harry, Ed, Ladd and Bill. (these old men gossip like a bunch of geese). anyway, i got back to my desk, smiled sweetly and said," thank you." she just huffed and puffed and went back to her desk.

"thats right," i though to myself, "you don't mess with poop."


  1. the poop nazi sounds like the soup nazi. NO POOP FOR YOU!

  2. yes yes yessssssss!! that dirty bitch!!!!!

  3. Consternation or constipation? An ages-old conundrum. I say consternation! Maybe you should try a broom stick like Broomhilde. Perhaps that will stave the urge. Probably not. She uses it primarily for posture to be sure.


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