Sunday, April 12, 2009

The Gate

so i hate my life that i have to work on Easter. it blows. JJ works today too, there's a Chiefs game. but we have a time from 1:30-3:00 when we have overlapping break times; just perf for our Taco Bell Easter Feast.

this morning i woke up at 4:40 am so i could take Rah and Nebular to the airport (they are going to Hawaii to look at wedding venues...how's life for them?) i rolled out of bed in my green PJ bottoms and navy blue "ZAGS FOR LIFE" t-shirt at 4:40 and was out the door by 4:43. i got into my car and starting driving out of Spring Creek Community (where we live) and i stop at The Gate. you see, The Gate is supposed to sense a car and open automatically. well that never happens. you practically have to ram into The Gate so it knows you're waiting for it. this morning at 4:45, however, The Gate was like stupidly drunk because it didn't sense me even when i was inches away. so i backed up my car, opened my door, ran around to the other side of the gate, pressed in the code and made a run for it back to my car.

now, my mom says there are 2 kinds of people in this world; those who appreciate La-z-boys and those who despise them. i think there are a different 2 kinds of people in this world; those who succeed under pressure and those who fail miserably. i am the second. but i wasn't remembering my usual disappointment in myself under pressure this morning. no, it didn't even cross my mind. as i made the "run for it" back to my car, i realized that i hadn't backed my car up far enough out of The Gate's way. i thought to myself, "well self, you can prove yourself wrong today by making it back to the car in time to shove it into reverse and allow The Gate to swing fully open without getting in its way. well, as usual, i FAILED at life. i got to my car at a surprisingly fast rate, jumped in......went to grab the gear shifter.....and....FUMBLED. i fumbled. for about 3 whole seconds.

what happened? WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!?! The (EFFING) Gate hit my car. right on the nose. and it stuck open. i backed my car up, The Gate was stuck. dammit. well there was a tiny little open space to get my car through so i drove right on over the beauty bark, barely skimmed a tree and made it out. but seriously. this all happened before the sun came up.

by now i was late so i sped to Rah and Neb's house, thinking to myself, "i realllly hope the landlord doesn't have a camera to catch a crazy in her green PJs running around The Gate before sunrise." but honestly, if The Gate was working properly it never would have happened. well, i got back home after dropping them off, and The Gate was still in its same spot. stuck open and awkward. so i pressed the code...and it worked! it opened then shut quite nicely after i had passed through.

remember that little note about Cleo's poo-poo that my landlord left on my door? well now it's my turn construct the perfect little note to leave on her door:

1. Lacey, (that's her name. of course.) The Gate is a piece of shit. a shit that is worse than any of my dog's. you might want to clean it up.

2. Lacey, The Gate is f$%*ing broken. FIX IT BITCH!!!

3. Lacey, The Gate is dysfunctional. it will not open when it is supposed to. it caused quite a ruckus this morning before sunrise.

which one should i choose? 1, 2 or 3? you decide.

8 comments:

  1. i like option 2. and i effing hate gates. the one at my apt. is never closed and the maintenance people are out there every monday tinkering with it like they know what they're doing, uh i've lived here since august figured it out bitches. at least you don't live in the ghetto and have bums hit on you at the bus stop and tell you, you smell nice. yea a gate would help me sleep more soundly. when i was hanging out with dam, (as in he's a damn fool) i would always get stuck in his resort community (literally he lived in a resort, who does that?) and have to turn around but i never wanted to say anything to him about it so i would just wander around until i found another exit with someone leaving, and hope he didn't see me. moral of the story: i hate gates (and douche bags who live behind them).

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  2. #3 or "Lacey #2 - bad gate. blocked my crate & freight. make me late for a date. had to wait. hate, hate, hate this frustrating fate. can you put it on the top of your slate and sate me and my mate, and hence justify your rate? if so, that would be great and carry alot of weight - sure to elate and stop the prate of late on the estate within said gate! Respectfully, Lacie #1" Kill her with a smile.

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  3. Obviously, I would recommend option 3. Duh. But I DO love Uncle Eric's.

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  4. I like #3 too, much the classiest and would show her up to the nth degree, but Eric's was very clever, so you might want to go with that. Love your invitation! (my code word is "hangst" -- is that what your car did on the gate?)

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  5. tessa & emily want to know if there will be any male entertainment at the estrogen-only party. is that what mimi is eluding to with her code word? eeeeeewwwww! if so

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  6. How is no one picking #1?!?!?! by FAR the best. Hahaha, what is it with our family and laughing whenever the words poop, fart, or and sexual words (such as ballsack) are brought up? Tee hee hee

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  7. MM said ballsack. i'm uncomfortable.

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  8. You?! You're uncomfortable?! Abate, abate, abate, this earth-shattering statement! Mary, God forbid your Mimi goes back to old comments!

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