Monday, April 20, 2009

it's better with a buddy

the airport is one of the most stressful places on earth. any airport. even the small yakima one. i arrived at the spokane international airport promptly at 12:20 ready to travel to the land of the cacti to visit Sam. i was wearing: shorts, boots, shirt, sweater, jacket, scarf. with a purse full of miscellaneous items and containing my laptop, and a carry-on suitcase.

and you know when you're traveling alone, you sometimes get a little panicky because you don't have someone to help you along the way in case you slip up. well, i was a little uneasy and was also anxious to see Sam, and when i got in the security line i realized how stupid my outfit was. i mean, the boots are hard to get on and off, i have to take off my jacket and my sweater and my scarf. i have to take out my laptop from the case. then i have to take the baggie of liquids out of my carry-on. then i walk through the metal detector and it goes off because of the necklace i'm wearing. and everyones getting all huffy because i'm slow, and i'm feeling the stares and i start sweating profusely, like my armpits are very very damp. and my brow is even moist. and i'm just walking around in my argyle socks. it's just not how i enjoy spending my precious time on earth. thankfully i made it out alive. but i have one boot on, i'm carrying my laptop in my arms and my scarf is hanging by a thread around my neck. littttttle haggard.

so i sit and gather my bearings just a little. then i head to the burger king for a nice whopper jr with cheese no patty. what happened? what ALWAYS happens? asian tour group of 50 cuts you off and beats you to the line. so you're stuck with a crappy airport fruit cup. arg. you choke down the crap fruit and then have to go the bathroom. but you're alone. so you have to trek all your shiz to the bathroom, pull it all into the stall with you and thus sit on the toilet with your nose touching your suitcase because there isn't any room. and end up having to set your purse on the ground with poop germs because there is no purse hook in your stall.

and when you get on the plane you're never sitting next to the curiously cute person of the opposite sex. no, you are stuck between the fattest mofo on the plane and the man with a handlebar mustache. then you silently curse yourself for not choosing a window seat online. then you sit while the pilot has a sandwich and it's either stifling hot or colder than a witch's tit in a cast iron bra. so you fiddle around with your air thing. then you realize you left your people magazine on top of the toilet paper dispenser in the airport bathroom so you flip through sky mall, briefly consider buying the cat genie before realizing how dumb that sounds then you close your eyes for a nap. wake up, A.) with handlebar moustache in your mouth, B.) your head on obese mofo's shoulder or C.) your head hung low with drool on your jeans (or in my case drool on my bare naked legs because i was wearing shorts)

you arrive, call your ride 4 times because they are circling around the airport trying to find you, and you're standing outside just dying to get the eff away from the airport, and she finally spots you, and you pee your pants for 2 reasons: 1.) because you're really excited to see your bff, and 2.) because you really have to go. and WILL NOT endure round 2 of the hauling of the luggage/getting poop germs on your purse, forgetting your people magazine, etc etc etc.

flying is much better with a buddy.


  1. ahaha. I effing hate traveling. At least you decided to wear socks. When I went to visit Sam I wore flip flops and had to stand on the grimy airport floor BAREFOOT. bulg.. surprised I didn't catch the hiv.

  2. why is it that no airport trip is complete without a stop to see the king? at least you weren't hungover, i strictly fly back to AZ feeling very hung to really make the trip that much more miserable. last time i wore a shirt that said "boyfriends are recyclable" with red eyes, rape hair it was quite the ensemble and the security man hit on me. gross. i left him a little present as i walked away. i also sat next to a fat woman and a baby (stupid on both accounts) and took the window seat so i had to crawl over them to puke.


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