Tuesday, April 28, 2009

stupid stupid morning.

that's me lookin my best at work.

yesterday they warned us there would be a detour to work because of construction on the main road. do you think i remembered? NO. i came to southeast blvd. this morning, chatting away on the phone with my ma about how JJ and i think Cleopatra is mildly retarded. poor thing. when all of a sudden i come to a giant orange sign blocking my way. now i am a terrible driver, and the last thing i need is a detour. i mean i kept the mapquest printout directions to work for 2 months after i got the job "just in case." today i just panicked. i said, "gottagomomdetourbye" and hung up. then i just followed cars. i followed them and i got lost. i turned around 3 times, then i got all higgelty pigglety and backwards. i ended up on this road that i had never heard of but had a taco bell on it, then just started driving really slowly to see if i could figure it out. THEN I SAW IT BUT PASSED IT! a big green "rockwood" sign. i silently whispered thank you to God and took the next street to turn around and get backon track. i pulled into the parks and recreation center and went around in 2 circles because it was a oneway. it was like chutes and ladders the game. except i never got a latter. only the chutes.
then i finally get into the entrance and find my way to my building. i get out of the car and i realize my shoe is untied. now i know what you're thinking. i am not wearing tennis shoes to work. they are high heel booties with a shoelace. sounds weird but they're real cute i swear. anyway, i look down at my shoelace and it's just dangling there. well, i'm wearing a pencil skirt and therefore cannot physically bend over. just can't. then i see one of the housekeepers who i am friendly with, pull into the parking lot and i think "well, i will walk into work with her!" so i walk over to her car and i say, "hello Denise!" and she screamed. i scared her. of course. and she's old. she was like "oh my, you scared me!" then she had to go the opposite way so i didn't even get to walk with her. it was really awkward. she was like, "oh. i uh, have to go this way...maybe you should get going so you're not late to work honey." thanks. so i start walking and cursing myself for being so stupidly awkward. and i remember that my shoelace is untied. and i start to trip but catch myself before utterly failing and ending up with my face on the pavement. and the pencil skirt was not a good idea this morning. i try to bend over once more and don't even get past my knees, so i take off the damn shoe and hobble into work with one stockinged foot.

by this time i am ten minutes late and the custodian feels the need to remind me this. HEY ASSHOLE I REALIZE I'M RUNNING LATE DON'T YOU SEE ONE SHOE IN MY HAND?!?! LIKE, I AM HOLDING MY OWN SHOE, SHOULDN'T THAT BE AN INDICATOR OF THE KIND OF MORNING I AM HAVING?! GIVE ME AN EFFING BREAK WILL YA.

i get to my desk, sit down, sigh heavily and realize it's that time. 8 am. and it's bad today. so i have to call The Poop Nazi to come to my desk. i rush to the bathroom and when i come out P.N. is playing solitaire on my computer. i'm like, "i'm back thank you" and she said, "uh-huh." and i just stand there, waiting for her to get the eff out of my chair, but she's still just playing. IS SHE SERIOUS?!?! i wanted to grab her by the mullet and drag her away.
stupid stupid morning.

3 comments:

  1. Haha i agree, Cleo IS mildly retarded. The poop Nazi has a mullet? ugh, disgusting. Remember when the fam was helping you move into ur blue house and charlie said, "this is like mom's regime" and I asked what regime meant. She told me it was a Nazi's butt hole. Thanks Char, love you too. Oh and I posted the REAL story of Jack coming back on the Jackie Boy blog. In case u didn't see it.

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  2. OK. It's time to teach that goose-stepping, solitare-playing bitch a lesson. Here's what you do. You get Taco Bell for breakfast on the way in [this is the basis of your cover story]. You bring in one of those really small tobasco bottles and coat [carefully] every key a solitare person would use - aka the mouse left button - the night before. 5 will get you 10 she puts her index/mouse click finger in her eye before she washes that day or did her cuticles the night before. Ouch! Even if she can figure out where she got the caustic burn....TB to the rescue. What a messy desker you are Liz! Oh, btw, your dog is definitely a biscuit or two shy of a full bowl. Big deal. Look at me, I'm still lovable....to some. E

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  3. I agree with Uncle Eric. Brilliant! You know I always thought I got my pranking abilities from my dad, but I realize now my whole life has been a lie. It was really Uncle Eric who gave me this wonderful gift. So thank you, and I worship your furtive ways Uncle E! :)

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