Friday, June 5, 2009

the unplanned fart

my bridal shower #2 is sunday. but i'm sharing the weekend with my sister CA because she graduates high school on saturday. so i'm home for the week. and therefore am my mother's slave. anyway, CA and two friends are performing at the commencement ceremony, so they were practicing at our house on wednesday. i always find ways to embarrass my sisters without even trying.

the singer in CA's little performance group, collin, came driving down the driveway and Cleo (who is bald. again. when does the word "trim" EVER mean "shave all all her curls and make her look like a hideous unlovable rat" ?????) ran after his truck so i ran after her. i said hello and met the nice boy, and we went inside. my dad and sisters CA and MM were standing in the front entryway and we were just chatting about graduation and "the good times" and college and such, when a totally unplanned fart made its way to the surface. now, stop for a moment and think of the last time you let forth an unplanned fart. these occurences always end in embarrassment. but you can't deny them, or else you'll just look guilty as the dickens. you know the feeling: hot face, sweaty palms, a sheepish half-grin. yes, we all know it was you that farted, so stand up and be a man. take credit for your flatulence. throw in the towel and half-heartedly raise your hand with a triumphant yet a bit smug look on your face. it was your fart, just say "yes, indeed, that was me."

that's the thing about farts. no one wants to talk about them. why why why? everyone farts. when was the last time you farted? just now while reading this blog, don't you lie to me. and was it loud? did you giggle at your own fart? you did, didn't you? we need to stop being bashful of a simple fart. STAND UP FOR YOUR FARTS PEOPLE!!!

anyway, back to the story. after i accidentally farted....."shit," i thought in my head, "i really hope no one heard that." collin kept talking and CA proclaims, "L did you just fart?" damn. "yes, yes that was me. i'm so sorry collin, i'm such an embarrassing sister." he says, "it's ok, it's ok." and my stupid self says, "and we aren't even that good of friends yet." FRIENDS?! he's just graduating high school, i just met him. we will not ever be friends. CA just gives me a look as if to say, "just please. get out of here." i say one more awkward "sorry" to the poor boy and go into my parents' room where my mom is wrapping graduation presents. "oh mom, i'm such a fool, did you hear that?" she did. my dad and MM come in laughing. "L, why did you do that?" "I DIDN'T MEAN TO! I SWEAR I REALLY DIDN'T EVEN FEEL THAT ONE COMING!!!!!!" i really didn't. but whatevs.

another day. another dollar. another fart.

5 comments:

  1. Hahahahaha, that was so funny and Collin couldn't help but laugh! One time (last year in P.E.) we were running our warm up there-and-back's, and I was slightly gassy and I farted on the way back, thinking it would stay there. it didn't. It followed me and of course- it stunk, like gag yourself worthy. Anyways, I was worried someone would smell it so I used my nifty fart blaming method: Before anyone else can smell it and blame you, you point out the dreadful smell yourself. No one will suspect you'd point out your own fart! it's quite brilliant really. So I did this, then others started smelling it. They ended up blaming it on Jacob Monson, and lets just say he's a little on the hefty side. And yes, I DID feel slightly bad, but then again, he creeps me out so oh well. I'm sure someday someone will catch me and Jacob Monson will say "CARMA!" and I will be ashamed.

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  3. i have them all the time. but the worst one i know didn't happen to me, this girl in my study group farted so loud in front of 3 grown married men in a tiny 6 x 8 room that was so stuffy you could part the air. i thought i was going to die. i mean really squeeze your sphincter or kindly leave the room.

    and leave it to you to make it awkward. i wanted to rip my toes off i was so uncomfortable with all your awkward comments at the shower. i threw a couple OOoooOOOH aHHHhhh NEEEAATTs just to livin it up. and a few "mmm hmm great"s and "very nice" a la mimi too. god i wish i wrote those down. it would have been so "special"

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  4. hahahhahahhahahahhahahahahhahahhahahhahahahhhhhhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahhhaha

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  5. JENN: element 106!!! hahahahahahahhahhhhh i'm glad i taught you something.....hahahaha that quiz you got a 0 on. HILARIOUSSSSS

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