Saturday, July 4, 2009

the bum digit

tra la la. it's wednesday morning and i was just leaving the house at 10:15 am. Cleo in car, JJ's lunch packed and ready to deliver, my list of errands ready to be completed.

10:30 am. pure disaster.

i get out of my car at JJ's work, his lunch (and Cleo) in hand. i start walking towards the office, and something pulls me back. i realize with horror that it is my F-you finger on my right hand. it is stuck in my car door. so i try to pull it out. no such luck. i am in shock and realllllly panicky at this point. and my idiot self locked the door. so while said finger is still stuck, i have to set JJ's lunch and Cleo on the ground and dig around my purse for my keys. 30 seconds (might as well have been 30 hours) goes by and i finally get my keys, press unlock and release my poor finger.

i take one look at it: black as the night. instantly. and red all around. and swollen. and hideously ugly. "OH.MY.GOD. I'M GOING TO HAVE A BLACK HORRIBLE FAT SWOLLEN FINGER ON MY WEDDING DAY!!!!" then the pain sets in. i start hyperventilating. i start screaming. i have never felt such pain in my life (and i have once before broken my finger...playing softball. left field. needless to say i didn't make the game-winning fly ball catch) so i dialed JJ's number and screamed "COMEOUTSIDENOWWWWWWWWWWW" and hang up. then cry and scream some more. then my phone rings. it's JJ. "what's wrong now?" he says. "JUST SHUT UP. COME OUTSIDE. NOWWW" i mean. honestly.

he comes out. i am screaming obscenities that the residents at Rockwood would be disgraced by. he asked me what happened, i told him, then we stopped at the 7-11 for ice (charged us a quarter. what ever happened to having compassion in a state of an emergency?!?!) then we went to the urgent care center. i called my mom and cried. she said "wait until child birth" THANKS MOMMMMMMM. (that was almost as bad as the time in Hawaii when i was attempting to surf, fell off the board, and scratched my back up on the coral reef. i went crying to my Mimi with my bloody back and she gave me one look and simply stated, "cancer's worse.") the women in that family. how rude.

anyway, got to urgent care, waited for like 2 hours with my digit in a green 7-up cup filled with ice. "dr" comes in, takes one look at my finger and says, "we have to let the blood out" so she PUTS A HOLE IN MY FINGERNAIL and blood gushes out. i feel absolutely sick at this point. then she orders an x-ray. JJ has to go back to work at this time. so i am all alone in the urgent care center. sad and cold and lonely.

i go downstairs to get my x-ray and the technician (greasy brown long hair with an entire bottle of gel in it) tucks all my fingers but the ugly one under and i decide to be funny and say, "oh, heh heh heh, i'm not trying to be rude, heh heh heh" *wink*wink* (you know, because i'm flipping him off not on purpose?) he just stared at me and gave me one of those stupid half smiles, you know? like "shut up girl." he says with a deadpan face, "this is the only time you can get away with it." i'm like GUY I'M THE ONE IN PAIN HERE BE NIIIICE!!!! what is wrong with people?

so i go back up to meet with the "dr" and she says, "yes, you broke it, just the tip." the nurse will come in to bandage it, OH and you're going to get a tetanus shot as well." i hate the "dr"

nurse comes in. bandages disgusting finger. it is throbbing in horrid pain. then gives me shot. hurts. then i try to stand and i can't. head falls between knees. am feeling terribly nauseous. nurse has to get me 2 cans of orange juice. have to use "dr's" phone to call JJ at work. "can't drive myself. i'm sick." so he has to come back and pick me up. i'm sitting in the car crying. i feel like a waify leaf. i'm so weak and feel awful. and Cleo's in there. we had forgotten about the poor pup. and she didn't even poop! good girl.

he takes me to get my pain meds and i go home and have a nice nap.

it is now sunday and my finger is so worthless and still throbs and is hideous. and my left arm from the tetanus shot might as well be chopped off. it's so worthless.
p.s. the "dr" said i have to keep the splint on my finger until my wedding day. what a treat.

but i will tell you something: once you slam your finger in the car door, by God you will never do it again.


  1. sorry, that. get well. thanks for the picture. worth a million words.

  2. i mean really. COME ON LIFE! i jammed my finger playing football if it makes you feel any better? couldn't open beer cans without assistance for the entire 4th weekend. put a huge cramp in my style.

  3. everyone does a double take and thinks i'm flipping them off. THAT will put a huge cramp in my style during a homeless person/gang encounter.

  4. Showed Pappy the picture, and I thought he'd bust a gut laughing!


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