Wednesday, August 5, 2009

honeymoon hilarity

our experience:

-the flight to puerto rico had a screaming child (inevitably).

-the hotel we stayed in for one night in puerto rico...was. so. appalling. it was a comfort inn that JJ booked. we arrive at 1 am after our delayed flight, and the front desk man proclaims how lucky we are because they have one room left! ........and it's a smoking room. it smells like a dead person and smoke in the room. i thought there may actually be a dead person in there. and the ashtray wasn't even like a modern one. it was the old really heavy browned glass kind that you see in taverns, you know? JJ got offened because i complained about his reservation "skills." we survived the night barely and my pillow had the smell of smoke in it for the entire vacation.

-we get to our stateroom on the boat (why are they called "staterooms" ??) and the color scheme is: teal and peach.

-we got to dinner the first night, only to discover we didn't have our own two-person table. no. we are sharing a table with the oddest family we have ever met. first is Janelle, a forty-something mom lawyer. George, Janelle's 11-year-old puerto rican son. and then there was Elvis. Janelle's boyfriend of 8 years. a man in his 50s who is a firefighter and doesn't believe in cable, Catholics or clean clothes. after one night JJ and i switched meal times because we didn't want to be caught in awkwardness with them. well after just one perfect night of eating at a two-person table, we were put with an elderly woman traveling alone. she talked for 15 minutes about how many lovers Barbara Walters had. the next night we decided to go back to Janelle George and Elvis. they were thrilled to have us again. George taught us a delightful new term: "sleeping queer" meaning to sleep naked. on a boat with over 4,000 people on it....we saw Janelle George and Elvis everywhere we went. and it was the totally awkward while winking "hiya...see you tonight at dinner!"

-on one particular day in Dominica, JJ and i were at a loss of what to do with our time on the island. lo and behold we saw Janelle George and Elvis in passing after breakfast and they informed us that we had to go snorkeling at a place called Champagne Reef. and so...we went. Elvis made us follow him and watch as he poked a sea urchin with a stick and said through his snorkel "watch the locals flock to the sea urchin" (by "locals" he meant fish) at one point in the day i was swimming unfortunately behind Elvis and caught a glimpse up his very short red swim trunks. bulghhhhhh every now and then JJ and i would hear in a bossy tone, "GEORGE, MOMMY! OVER HERE!" and every time we would burst into a gut wrenching laugh.

-while snorkeling, JJ became frustrated with his gear. he splashed around and slapped his arms on the water and yelled "i HATE this. i can't breathe and water keeps getting in my mouthpiece and my goggles." so i said, "shut up you baby. here, take my gear." and i switched with him. as soon as we went back to the reef for snorkeling attempt #2, i feel a little sting on my arm. i just scratch it and say, "oW!" JJ said, "what?!?!" and i told him something bit me. he told me that it was nothing and not to be ridiculous. then he jumped up out of the water screaming "i hate this! I HATE THIS!" i look at where he is clutching his arm and there is an array of inflamed red bumps. Elvis kindly informs us that JJ had been bitten by sea lice. i almost died trying not to laugh. karma, JJ. karma.

-on the last night of the trip, the room attendant left us 4 envelopes to put tips for him, the waiter, the assistant waiter and the head waiter. the suggested amount? $50 for each person. i looked at JJ, JJ looked at me. we didn't have that kind of money. so we spent the last day trying to avoid our room attendant, the waiter, the assistant waiter and the head waiter. and of course Janelle George and Elvis make a parade of giving Franklin Jerry and John (our waiters) huge fat tip envelopes.

-on the last day we said goodbye to Janelle George and Elvis, said goodbye to the hideously colored stateroom, said goodbye to our honeymoon.

author's note: i only write about the bad luck because having a good time usually isn't funny! we had an absolute blast but were so gald to be home. now we are just a regular ol married couple!

1 comment:

  1. he "doesn't believe in cable, Catholics or clean clothes"

    its the clean clothes that gets me.... even more... its the fact that you know these odd facts about him.


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