Tuesday, August 4, 2009

i don't belong in the city


whilst still in seattle, still in the same outfit from nordstrom rack, i went to the crab pot with my dear friends LJ and her fiance (!!!!!!), Sam and KitKat and her husband. we had a total blast.

then later that night i met Sam's bf. he's a cop. and one time he had to arrest a man wheelchairing his way down I5. he didn't have legs. so Sam's cop bf had to pick him up and put him in the back seat of his car. but since the wheelchairing bum didn't have legs, his pants fell off. so he was a legless, pantless bum. needless to say, Sam doesn't frequent her cop bf's state trooper car. anyway, they are totally cute and loverbirdy and LJ and i went back to her apt and spied on Sam and her cop bf. omg are we 12?

the next morning we took the bus. (we also took the bus home the night before, but someone had a seizure on our bus to we had to get off and walk like 500 blocks to catch another bus. and then we realized it was the same bus who picked us up again.) i didn't have bus money so Sam had to dig through her coin purse to help me. and i'm still totally in my nordstrom rack outfit. i have the exact right amount of change (mostly dimes and nickels) and i put them in the meter as i get on the bus. but it takes a long time for those damn nickels to add up so i got dirty glares from seattlelite bus riders. then we sit down. and i can't find my phone. i thought i left it at LJ's apt. so i panic and sweat and panic some more. then i realize it's in my back pocket.

then LJ goes to work and i tag alongside Sam for the morning. she works in the king county courthouse. so you have to pass your bag through a security x-ray thing and go through a metal detector. my watch sets off the metal detector and the x-ray camera finds a corkscrew in my purse. (!?@#%^&$%!?) i don't even know how a corkscrew got in there. so they escort me to the guard and he watches while i search for the corkscrew. i pull out: my makeup bag, my dirty underwear from the day before, the stupid sundress, a tampon, lipgloss...basically my whole dirty life falls onto the courtroom floor. i retrieve the effing corkscrew and hand it to the officer. i tell him he can have it i never want to see it again. then i hang out with Sam in her office and eat the cheese sandie LJ made me for lunch.

i go to the passport agency. get JJ's passport. take a picture of the passport and e-mail it to JJ. just for effect, you know? then i walk around the block looking for a barnes and noble until i meet Sam for lunch. we have a nice little lunch and then i catch the shuttle and then i get on the airplane. all the while, i am literally clutching the passport to my chest.

i hate seattle. the only reasons i go: to see my friends. to go to the crab pot. and to obtain passports for idiot husbands.


  1. What the hell is a Crabpot? I thought you were refering to Papa when you leave chattels about at his & Mimi's crib. You know WA State now has an enhanced drivers license that will get you to Mexico & Canada and other participating sovereignties? Nice to have just in case the 'ol passport goes amissin' whilst gallavanting about. Where are you going on the HM? Have a blast. Don't lose your PP! BTW, what the heck is wrong w/ a guy having a little flannel in his life? Well-worn flannel is the shiz on a casual, cold morn. Jeez! E.

  2. LAURA'S ENGAGED?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? SINCE WHEN???? AND WHY DOESN'T ANYONE TELL ME ANYTHING IN THIS WHOLE STINKIN FAMILY?!?!?!? Also, I would enjoy hearing the story of the proposal if you feel so inclined. Thank you.

  3. Ahahahaha. I think Seattle hates you too. :( I have NEVER experienced such a long, miserable, sweaty bus ride in my entire life!!! Damn rain cloud.


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