Sunday, August 9, 2009

pepsi-cola (not the beverage)

JJ has this friend. pepsi-cola is what we call him. and i am totally and irrevocably obsessed with him. not in a sexual i-want-to-do-your-friend kind of way. it's more of an omg-your-friend-is-the-most-intriguing-person-i've-ever-met kind of thing. he was a friend of JJ's from college (and lives in Spoke!!!!!!!) JJ went to the Gonzaga in Florence program with this guy. he is a handsome Italian with a nose piercing and he wears birkenstocks.

pepsi-cola was the guy in Italy who was always bartering with the local thugs for hash. he also tussled with a sicilian gang and got knifed by one of the members, resulting in a hospital visit and stitches. JJ happily retold these tales to a wide-eyed and speechless (rare occurance) American blonde girl (whose most scandelous deeds included high-crime theft from the Easter display at Petco, and a cowardly face-off with a man bearing a barbed-wire tattoo in the Arby's parking lot). i remember staring at JJ, incredulous (but never doubtful of) amazed, and shocked by this wonder-man. even before i met him i thought this guy was incredible. crazy and unrelenting and positively spontaneous. something about him just turns me to jelly.

JJ has also regaled me with stories of pepsi-cola getting run over by a car, pepsi-cola's escapades with mind-altering substances, pepsi-cola being Gonzaga's drug lord; basically pepsi-cola being effing crazy.

when i met him for the first time in real life, i was at a party with Crazylegs (who will be referred to as "Moon" from here on out). we heard some commotion in an upstairs room. and there he was, with a halo of light around him. he was rapping. free-style RAPPING to a group of admirers gathered around him. he had one hand on the belt of his pants and the other was waving around to the beat of his own music. Moon and i stared, open-mouthed at this unbelievable person. (note: Gonzaga is full of generic people. all girls wear seven jeans, northface jackets and uggs. there is no diversity or interesting thing about the generic zags. Moon and i always felt sort of out of the loop--in our own world of weirdness. then we met pepsi-cola...) when he was finished rapping, he took a huge bong rip. he peered over his smoking accessory, winked at me and i took the opportunity to introduce myself as JJ's girlfriend and he said "oh yeahhhh. sweet. you're jay-rome's girl." Moon introduced herself to him, and then he was on his way. we stared after him. what a treat it was to meet him in real life.

every time i see pepsi-cola i have a bit of celebrity shock. i get shy around him. JJ thinks i'm a total freak, but REALLY he is so totally cool i just think maybe osmosis can turn me into him a little bit.

a week after Gonzaga graduation this year in May, JJ and i went to the Taylor Swift concert. afterwards, JJ wanted to go to pepsi-cola's house to say goodbye to him and the group of friends he grew close to during college. (pepsi-cola was on his way to enjoy worldly travels, his other friends were moving back to California) i didn't want to go because i was wearing a stupid country cowgirl outfit complete with boots AND a hat. i was so totally nervous because i didn't want pepsi-cola to think i was weird. JJ forced me inside. and i sat on a stool, all uptight with my bhole clenched because OMG i was in pepsi-cola's house. JJ just hissed at me to calm down and stop acting like a creepy obsessed stalker. JJ's other friends were chatting and saying their goodbyes. and. then. in. walks. pepsi-cola. i sucked in my breath and just tried to act normal. "hi" i said. "sweet hat," he said. OHMIGOD HE LIKES MY HAT! WAIT...UNLESS HE WAS MAKING FUN OF IT. OHMIGOD L SAY SOMETHING TO HIM! JJ is giving me a look like "please stop making that face. you look constipated." and i just smiled awkwardly and kept staring at pepsi-cola.

when we left, i tripped out the door over my cowboy boots and shuffled out to the car. we drove in silence for about 15 minutes. i could tell JJ was just annoyed with my weird 13-year-old girl behavior. but i said it anyway; "do you think pepsi-cola thinks i'm cool?" "OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD L, CALM DOWN! WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION WITH HIM ANYWAY? SERIOUSLY? DO YOU WISH YOU WERE ENGAGED TO HIM INSTEAD OF ME?" said JJ. "of course not dummy. i'm love with---i mean--i mean--i just am....obsessed with him," i said. he just shook his head at me.

just this week (JJ finally understands my obsession-but-not-in-a-sexual-way infatuation with pepsi-cola), JJ came home after work and said,

"guess who called me today? are totally obsessed with this person."

i said, "MOON?!"

he said rather annoyed, "NO. pepsi-cola."


"no, L. he is back in Spoke and was wondering if i wanted to hang out," he said.

"WHEN? when will you hang out with him? are you sure he didn't say anyyyyyything about little ol me?" i said.

"he asked how the wedding was. if you can calm down, i will take you with me to see him," he said.

"HOLY FUDGE! OK OK OK OK but wait. he did? he asked about the wedding? did he ask if i looked pretty in my dress?" i said.

"NO L," he said.

"ok. well, i want to go with you when you see him."

3 days later:

"do you want to go with me to pepsi-cola's house?" said JJ.

"OMG are you kidding me? i can't. not today. i just can't. he makes me too nervous." i said.

"all right. well then you're going to miss out," he said.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! i mean, just. i want to go. but i'm too weird. he makes me awkward. just. fine. go without me," i said.

"you're weird," he said.


OMG WHAT IF HE READS THIS BLOG? no, he wouldn't waste his time reading my blog...would he?


  1. shut up shut up shut up! i love it. tooo funny.

  2. all right. that's it. put a picture of this rapping, THC-a-takin adonis in next time. "hansome" and "nose ring" doth an oxymoron make me thinks, so prove otherwise. jeesh!

  3. if. he. saw. himself. on. my. blog. i. would. dieeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

    so no uncle e. sorry!!!!

  4. pepsi-cola sounds like my kind of guy... HAHA

  5. dude text me who you are talking about? have i met him?


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