Sunday, September 6, 2009

The Dutch Oven

of all the things my dad taught me, The Dutch Oven is the most useful.

these past few days i don't know what my deal is. my stomach is struggling. like realllly struggling. like take 2 tums every 2 hours struggling.

on thursday night at 9/8 central, i was watching project runway and JJ was just snuggling into bed, exhausted and ready for his full 8 hours. just as heidi was reciting the task to the designers, i noticed a rumble in my tummy. i glanced over at JJ and his eyes were closed. he looked so peaceful, right on the cusp of falling into a deep sleep...it was basically an invitation. so i did it. i gave him the ol Dutcherooski. i waited until the hot fart was fully released from my pants and trapped it under the covers. the key to a good Dutch Oven is to make it really hot. like realllly hot. you gotta keep the fart under the covers and in the heat until it is perfectly ripe.

so i waited until the time was right, then i casually "ruffled the covers" and let the gas speak for itself. i turned my attention back to the show and waited...yes...1...2...3...4...

"OH MY F&%*$#@ GOD L YOU SMELL LIKE DIARRHEA. LIKE SERIOUSLY CHECK YOUR F&%*$#@ PANTS!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE MOST DISGUSTING PERSON EVER. OHMYGOD!"

he jumped out of bed and shouted this at me and stamped his foot. of course i was laughing the entire time. just big, joyous, gut-wrentching laughs as JJ is screaming.

i said i'm sorry, and convinced him to get back into bed and fall asleep. i even rubbed his back like a nice wife.

then i felt it. another rumble. quite possibly bigger and better than the last. i knew i was going to get myself in trouble, but....i did it anyway. i D.O.'ed him again.

this time, whilst shouting, (this time he screamed that he'd rather put his head in Chanel's litterbox than endure another one of my D.O.s) he jumped out of bed and opened all the windows and doors in the house (a little dramatic) and grabbed his pillow to sleep on the couch.

i had to coo and apologize and pretend like that D.O. wasn't funny even though it was the best one i've ever had.

he settled in nicely and finally fell asleep.

tummy rumble. this time i knew better. i kept it trapped and lifted my feet at the end of the bed to let the fart out away from JJ. nevertheless, it traveled upward and onward, filling the room with the single most appalling stench i have ever sniffed. i bit my lip and kept my eyes on JJ, frightened.

he scrunched his nose in his sleep...and that was it. PHEW. safe.

the next morning JJ got up to get ready for work. he kissed me goodbye and headed out the door, but before he left he said, "oh and L?" ..."yes darling?" i said..."i smelled that last fart."

8 comments:

  1. hahahaha shut up! the DO is the sign of true love.

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  2. HAHA!! I cannot believe he got back into bed with you. I would not have trusted you...
    I do not blame him. I hate the DO. at least if I know its coming i have a chance to escape.. the DO is a sneaky move

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  3. You have nothing on my sick little camp cookie [aka Tess].

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  4. I thought you were a vegetarian -- vegetarian farts are not supposed to smell bad, or so says my "Book of Farts". I probably should have gifted that little book to you for your wedding! It says that while lion farts could kill a man at 20 feet, elephant farts (elephants being vegetarians) smell not at all. So I think you're sneaking some meat in there!

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  5. mimi the book is called "everyone poops" not "book of farts"

    and i think it's the jalepeno cheddar bagels i have been favoring lately....wouldn't that make sense???

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  6. ohmygod! that made me mars bars over the D.O. story.

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  7. I literally cried reading this. And I realize this post was from september, but I have a lot of catching up to do! I have had no time to read these! The last one I read before today was "Selah Luck" or whatever it was called...

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