Sunday, September 6, 2009

everything i learned...i learned from playing cards.

one of my favorite pastimes ever in life is cards. we used to go camping every labor day with the aunts, uncles and cousins. and it seemed every year something dramatic happened: one year i got the stomach flu and threw up licorice and macoroni and cheese in our tent, one year my then 14-year-old cousin BCG got caught with playboy magazines in his sleeping bag, i forgot underwear one year, there was the year my dad fell off the jetski fully clothed in the rain, that one time when i lost my shoes in the lake, etc. etc. etc.

every year was different, and we no longer make the trip anymore (sad. it was the only camping i ever liked: a neverending supply of poptarts and a 16 person tent with all the cousins). but one thing that was a constant in our labor day American camping holiday: card playing. we would play c.a.m.p.s. the four of us: sister M and cousins BCG and BMG (me and BCG were always partners and our sign was to eat a peanut m&m each time we had all 4 cards...only problem was we would forget that was our sign and eat the m&ms anyway and consequently lose). and we would team up and play nertz for hours. HOURS. cards were just a necessity to the trip.

about a year ago today...i was jobless, JJ and i had just moved into our MH and we had no cable. i ended up watching the entirety of the sex and the city saga in the first week of unemployment. just put in disc after disc into my laptop. but at night when JJ would get home, we'd eat dinner and want to relax and hang out, and we wouldn't have the soothing voice of frasier or seinfeld to comfort us. so one night i suggested cards. it went like this:

L: "i'm bored. let's play cards."
JJ: "what? cards? who even plays cards? you hick."
L: "are you kidding me? cards are the greatest pastime ever in life."
JJ: (laughs cruelly) "cards? you cannot be serious L, cards are sooo country."
L: "cards are not country, they are fun. normal people play cards." (how could i marry someone who doesn't like playing cards? SERIOUSLY)
JJ: "i'm not playing cards L, sorry."
JJ: "ok i'm reallllly bored...fine, let's play cards."
L: "OK OK OK OK GOODIES!! what do you want to play? nertz?"
JJ: "what the hell is nertz?"
L: "OMG!"

so i taught him how to play nertz. and he sucks. like he is the worst card player i have ever seen. he holds his cards all jumbled, and he's as slow as a sloth, and he is one of those people who celebrates everytime he makes a move. needless to say, i beat him every game. i even snuck like 10 extra cards in my nertz pile and i still kicked his ass. he wasn't even a challenge.

he got annoyed quickly after each time i beat him without any trouble, and then he just quit playing. after like 30 minutes. WHO QUITS CARD PLAYING AFTER 30 MINUTES!? you at LEAST play for like an hour and a half.

i ended up giving up on cards and JJ and bought operation (which i also kicked his ass in) and puzzles (which i ended up doing myself).

just the other day, i had the phase10 urge. i was like, "will you play phase10 with me pleaseee please pretty please?"

"what's phase 10?" he said.

the bottom line: if you are a card player, THINK before you marry a non-card player. your life will always be difficult. like just when you think you've got your king of hearts, he turns into a worthless card like the 2 of diamonds or something.


  1. hahaha! i LOVE cards. you seriously have to play for at least 2 hours. i have to marry someone who knows how to play pinochle (sp?) or i will seriously die.

    king of hearts to the 2 of diamonds is the best analogy ever!

  2. It's cool to see others that know about Nertz. You should definitely check out , the site for the National Nertz Association. There is a bunch of interesting Nertz information, videos, and photos there AND you can play Nertz on-line for free. I recommend it to all Nertz players! So cool. =)

  3. WTF? Nertz? Isn't that a rental car company or, alternatively, slang for a part of the male body? What about Gin or Pitch?


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