Saturday, September 12, 2009

karma has slighted me again

so remember that blog about my good friend Thais? well, as luck would have it, the ol crabby patty got a speeding ticket. i felt that karma served her well. and this is the e-mail she felt the need to write to her coworkers here at the retirement community:

"Watch out for speed traps on Ray St., especially coming up hill, as the guys on motorcycles are handing out tickets, big time. If you go 10 miles over the limit, it will cost you $143.00. Funny, I had just come from Lowe’s and saw 2 street gals working & I wondered why they weren’t there & instead they were stopping me. I got a ticket. Boo Hoo!"

so she literally sent an e-mail to the entire staff alluding to hookers.

in spite of myself i was like "ha ha" and i even told my mom how karma finally got Thais.

what happens next my friends?


damn you, karma.

this ain't my first rodeo. speeding tickets are as much a part of me as my own anus. i think that was #7 in all the years i have been driving. i am much like my boy Jay-Z in his song "99 problems" specifally this part:

The year's '94 and my trunk is raw
In my rear view mirror is the mother fuckin' law
I got two choices y'all pull over the car or (hmmm)
Bounce on the double put the pedal to the floor
Now I ain't tryin' to see no highway chase with Jay.
Plus i got a few dollars i can fight the case
So I...pull over to the side of the road
I heard "Son do you know why I'm stoppin' you for?"
Cause I'm young and I'm black and my hats real low?
Do I look like a mind reader sir, I don't know

doesn't that just sound like my life?? no??

note to self: ask Sam's cop boyfriend what sort of things i can do to avoid ticketage. because obviously being hot doesn't work.

i called my parentals and told them. my dad/insurance agent advised me to try and get the ticket erased from my record, as my car insurance would skyrocket otherwise. so i signed up for "Traffic School"

i had to go back to the place i hated most in the world. a place where i was punished for my underage collegiate crimes. (i.e. collegiate doesn't everything in life sound better with the word "collegiate" written in front of it? collegiate mathematics, collegiate beer pong league, collegiate social hour. you get the idea) anyway.....i had to go to THE COURTHOUSE.

and i hate that place. it makes my skin crawl. and i get so uncomfortable with all the freaks/criminals around that place that i get fidgety. and the incompetence at government institutions, i have said it before. the first lady directed me to window 9. i waited in line. the window 9 lady said "oh, sorry, you need to go to window 2." the window 2 lady said, "oops, you need to go to window 7." window 7 lady wrote some useless bs on a piece of paper and directed me to the sheriff's window. i mean honestly, if anyone knew anything about the law in this building, i could have been done in 5 minutes. but instead i had to be in that horrible building for 25 minutes. and i was so frusted i started muttering dirty words under my breath, thus reducing me to the kind of person that frequents the courthouse.

i am signed up for Traffic School. a 6 hour class where you watch videos on how to drive. i may learn a thing or two, we all know i'm not the best behind the wheel. but i hope i do not contract "courthouse crazy" while i'm at it.

tune in for more after the class is completed.


  1. Husbands are the best at making you feel better when you have failed at cooking! Mine will eat anything I make even if I won't eat it myself! and one time I lit some brownies on fire and he just scraped off the burnt to a crisp marshmallows off the top and ate them!

  2. Probable cause - don't give it to the coppers. Learn to go 30 MPH 24/7/365 w/out looking at the speedo. Always come to a commplete stop. Always use your turn signal [even if your the sole person on the planet] when changing/merging lanes or making turns [at least 100ft before doing so]. Use appropriately high chrome bumpers of other drivers, store windows and the like to check your lights, turn signals, etc periodically. 10 o'clock 2 o'clock as a rule. Yield to all pedestrians whereever they may wish to cross. Lastly, learn to repeat the mantra that Grandmother Noni taught me to use under my breath whilst behind the wheel: "danger, danger, danger". Think of it as a game.

  3. short and simple: don't speed. deny you were doing anything wrong.

    *note: this is advice from me in my own personal experience. not what i know for law school or dating an enforcer.

  4. i agree. telling an officer that you were going 15 over the speed limit because i was trying to get "honesty" points in college doesn't work. i thought honesty was the best policy, turn out no. and crying doesn't work either. balls.

  5. Officer Jeffrey would probably tell you that he does not pull people over for speeding 5-10 over. That is for the small town Sherrifs.

  6. i feel like if trooper jeffery would have pulled me over, he would have been like, "oh. you're my girl's bff." and then let me off with a smile. then i would have felt cool because i had "connections"


    also, UPDATE: i got denied from the class because of my, er....record. back to COURT i go. kill me.


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