Saturday, September 19, 2009

when i'm alone

i'm hardly ever alone at night anymore since JJ. and now i can hardly believe i survived a whole year of it when i was 20.

my brain gets totally wired and crazy and i jump to conclusions, and every sound is someone trying to get me. i have to watch tv until i fall asleep because i hate the quiet. i hate not talking. when JJ is home i talk until i pass out. but when i'm alone i am so uncharacteristically quiet that it annoys me.

when i was 6 my dad told me the boogeyman story. and the part i remember from the story is when the boogeyman is hiding on the boy's car, and his hooked hand scratches the window and scares the boy. i mean, who tells a 6-year-old a story that scary?? after he told me the story i was totally spooked. and one night i was walking up the stairs and i heard a noise that sounded just like the boogeyman's hooked hand scratching the boy's car window. i screamed and ran into my parents' room and started crying. turns out it was merely my toddler sister CA walking with her hand skimming the hallway wall for balance.

but i swear, ever since that moment, whenever my mind gets to thinking about anything scary, i can't close my eyes. even in the shower. i have to be wide awake and alert at all times.

JJ is gone this weekend. and the last time he left, there was a horrid thunder and lightening storm, and so i just layed there in bed, wide open eyes, seinfeld blaring from the TV until i finally fell asleep.

last night, twasn't a storm. twas real life scary.

i was afraid i'd wake up dead (you know what i mean), all hacked up in a garbage bag because of the insanely criminal man who escaped from his mental hospital's field trip to the fair. NICE, SPOKANE. he is crazy because: the voices in his head told him to kill an elderly woman because she was a witch. he strangled her and sliced her neck. not a good way to go. so there he is on the front page yesterday, and his face is stuck in my brain. CP invited me to stay at her house last night instead of going home after babysitting, but i declined. i am a brave 230year-old. but i did follow her instructions and slept with mace by my bed. i watched Greek until i fell asleep. i didn't have any scary dreams, just normal ones like running on a cloud and shit. but at 6 am i woke up and i couldn't go back to sleep. back to the crazy man gallivanting around in my head. so i watched Greek until it was time to go to work.

and again today, the insane man made the front page news. for all i know, the insane man could be chillin with the boogeyman. either way, it gives me the heebeejeebees. i don't like to be alone.


  1. seriously, no one seems too concerned about the "lack of supervision" on the "field trip" for mentally unstable convicts. WTF


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