Saturday, October 24, 2009

jazzercise will be the death of me

i am an uncoordinated and stupid person.

i did sign up for jazzercise. and i did go to my first class on thursday.

4:12 pm- i walked in with a smile on my face and i said hello to two older women sitting on a bench. then i walked onto the middle of the dance floor.

4:17 pm- CLASS STARTED and it was phenom! i mean, so great! i was like movin and groovin to the beat, kicking my legs and shaking my hips, and copying what the instructor was doing.

4:32 pm- started to slow down just a bit.

4:37 pm- WHOA GETTIN A LITTLE TIRED HERE. come on, L. gotta KICK IT UP.

4:45 pm- HOLY F&*%ING SHIT I'M SO TIRED I'M NEVER COMING BACK TO THIS BULLSHIT CLASS.

4:47 pm- OMG EW. am i SWEATING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!

4:50 pm- GOING TO PASS THE FUDGE OUT

4:51 pm- quietly set down my gear (i.e. 2 lb weights and stretchy aerobic thingy) and walk into the back room.

4:52 pm- sit in chair. head between legs.

4:55 pm- head still between legs. start to feel human again. stand up, look in mirror, cringe in horrified fashion at the state of my appearance.

4:57 pm- ashamedly walk back into class with my head down just in time to do the slow-down workout.

5:05 pm- ok i guess this class isn't that bad, as long as i get to take a break each time. but seriously? i'm the only person of my demographic here. and i saw the older women judging me when i grabbed the 2 lb. weights, as they reached for the 8 pounders.

5:10 pm- i think i am blacked out. i have no energy and i feel like a raisin.

5:15 pm- OHMYGOD IT'S DONE THANK THE LORD I DID IT! (kind of)

5:17 pm- pats on back from the women congratulating me. just stare straight ahead with pale face and white crackly lips.

5:20 pm- just sign where the woman tells me to and take my "WELCOME TO JAZZERCISE" packet and GTFOOT.

5:35 pm- get home. get in shower. sit down in shower for 20 minutes until JJ yells at me to quit wasting the hot water.

5:57 pm- get out of shower with shaky legs and lay thankfully on the bed.

FRIDAY

wake up feeling as though i have been beaten up by Lil' Kim.

SATURDAY

wake up feeling as though i have been beaten up by Christopher "Big Black" Boykin from MTV's hit show "Rob & Big"

1:12 pm- texting conversation with LJ goes as follows

LJ: i think you are in the same jazzercise class as R's mom!!!! (R is one of LJ's sorority sisters who is now happily married and residing in spoke. her mother also apparently lives here.)

L: ohmyghoddd. how do you know?

LJ: R reads your blog and her mom goes to the class and was telling R that there is a young blonde skinny girl in her class...?!?!?! (feelin OK about being young, blonde and skinny. pat on back, self. but feeling like a failure because i'm the type of person who exercises with my peers' mothers)

L: OHHHH F*&% my life. ohmygoddddd the coincidences in my life are gross.

LJ: hahahaha her mom was trying to convince R to come and used you as an example. she said she thought you would be peppy but you moved kinda slow. hahahaha (oh, really LJ? is that funny? is it funny to you that i'm so out of shape that i moved slower than the 50-year-olds that frequent the class? is it funny to you that i made a complete FOOL OF MYSELF IN A JAZZERCISE CLASS?!?!?! jklfsdhsl lfalfkjka;d. well, it is not. it is not funny. it is not funny at all. i suck and it is not funny)

L: hating my life continually....TELL R TO JOIN THE F&*%ING CLASS

..........................................................................

i was made fun of by a mother.

i lose.

OH YEAH FORGOT TO TELL YOU: I SIGNED UP FOR A MOTHERFUDGING YEAR OF THIS.

my dear friend and neighbor Rah, if you are reading this. JOIN. THE. CLASS. NOW. OR. I. WILL. STEAL. YOUR. SOUL.

6 comments:

  1. ahahahahahahahaha!!! this is hilarious. and don't feel bad, when i was unemployed i joined the body pump class that your mom goes to and almost died every time i did it. i was using like the 1lb weight and the instructor called me out, asking me if i had an injury that prevented me from lifting more. my response, "no i'm just weak and out of shape."

    bottom line: don't let em get you down L. as i recall you were a quite peppy and glorious dancer back in the day. i'm sure you still have it.

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  2. Ahahahahha. you signed up for a whole year!!! bahaha. All in all i'm proud of you for not becoming a fat old married woman. kudos!

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  3. LJ--

    were you worried that i would become a fat married woman? i'm speechless. i thought we were friends.

    bahahahahahh

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  4. Hey at least you are exercising! (My mom just assumes skinny people don't need exercise). Maybe I will quit Pilates and join Jazzercise! I heard there were guys in the class, it would be worth coming just to see that.

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  5. Rachelle-- just witnessed my first "guy in the class" moment...i am not the worst one after all.

    ps your mom has some serious moves!

    ReplyDelete

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