Sunday, October 18, 2009

JJ and the cold

as you know, JJ is from southern California. therefore he is not accustomed to the northwest weather. even though he has lived here for 5+ years. we all know what happened last year when i let him go into Nordstrom on his own to pick out winter boots. (in fact, this year i suggested to him that he buy ugg slippers. as soon as i muttered the three-letter "u" word, he turned beet red, obviously reminiscing about his "incident" last year. he said, "I DON'T WANT UGG ANYTHING!")

last year after God took his 5 foot white dump on Spokane (he must have had taco bell that day har har har), JJ went into Winter Depression Mode Majah. he sulked around the house complaining of frostbite and shoveling, moping around and whining about anything and everything to do with winter. i myself, a northwesterner to the core, am always as prepared as a bear for a thing like winter. i have gaggles of hats, gloves and scarves, and even my own pair of snowboots made by The North Face. (an unwanted Christmas gift in 06 that my mother refused to let me return). i, the northwesterner, am made tough for the cold weather.

this year JJ has better organized himself. last week he went to Nordstrom Rack by himself (gasp!) and came home with a nice pair of sheepskin slippers and a smile. he also purchased himself a fluffy navy blue bathrobe that he never takes off. the robe is actually quite obnoxious. he walks around like he thinks he's Hef with his chest showing and wears a stupid half-grin on his face like he just got to spend the night with 3 bleach blondes adorned with silicone cups rather than his flast-chested wife who wears plaid pajama pants and a tshirt from Alaska with a wolf on it (gift from Rah, thank you). but...my husband is warm and happy.......at least for the time being.

alas, it will get colder. it will get below zero. and i refuse to endure his prima donna behavior this winter season. so i have taken it upon myself to purchase him a gift. a gift that keeps on giving my friends. a gift that gets me the BEST MF-ING WIFE OF THE MF-ING YEAR AWARD....

a tanning package.

now some of you may be thinking "WTF?" but really, this is a wonderful gift. i have heard that those born in southern states who are forced to live in colder, more supreme states, enjoy a little thing called a "happy lamp." it is like the sun to these people. it gives them the vitamin D they need and crave to behave like normal humans. i suggested one of these lamps to JJ last year, and he turned up his nose like a snob and said, "i don't need one of those, i'm fine." NO YOU ARE NOT FINE I WANTED TO PUNCH YOU IN YOUR BABY FACE NEARLY EVERYDAY FOR 4 MONTHS LAST YEAR.

so i have gotten him a tanning package. i mentioned above that it is the gift that keeps on giving for a specific reason. it is a gift to myself too. there was a reason JJ was born in southern California and not in Washington. let's just say he does not project an Edward Cullen sexiness when he's as pale-skinned as the moon. he is much more attractive with a lightly sun-kissed glow.

so he and i shall both be pleased this long winter season. JJ needs his slippers, playboy robe and tanning package to be a satisfied man. all little ol me needs to be happy this winter is to see my tanned husband smile. aren't i just the best ever?

3 comments:

  1. exceptionally funny blog!! Ahahaha.

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  2. you are the best! you'll be ready to lay on the brown come Waianae. i suspect JJ will then be asking: why am I in waianae, why kiki, why? tell JJ not to get any icecream cake on that pimpin robe. he's a hell of a good sport. ps go dodgers

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