Saturday, October 24, 2009

MAXFORCE! the blood stains

so for our wedding we got a beautiful white duvet from Pottery Barn and some white and blue striped Shabby Chic sheets. some white Shabby Chic euro pillows and some great khaki Lacoste shams. top it all off with the robin's egg blue monogrammed JHL pillow. all the ingredients for a perfect cloud bed, wouldn't you say?

so why am i blogging about the perfection of my bed? because JJ has a serious problem. he bleeds in the night. in my perfect cloud bed. i still call it "my" bed because it's my box spring and pillowtop mattress and memory foam that my dad bought me before my junior year in college (aka "The Lonely Year") that bed was my closest friend that year, and i'm quite attached to it.

JJ gets more papercuts/Chanel scratches/rugburns/knicks than any person i've ever met. seriously. for instance, on our honeymoon he used a BIC razor to shave his face and cut off his top 3 layers of skin, still has a scar. last year he had a winter-related accident which caused a severe shin laceration. and his hands are always bloody with papercuts and hangnails. since he has started playing recreational hockey with his coworkers this fall season, he has even more battle wounds. most recently, an elbow lesion that bleeds like a river all day.

we woke up on thursday covered in blood. it looked like an axe murderer had committed a henious crime and decided to sleep in our bed. blood on JJ's pillowcase, blood on the DUVET, blood on MY PILLOWCASE, blood on the sheets, blood on my pajama pants, etc. i mean. REALLY?!?!?!?!?!?!

i looked at JJ i said, "ARE YOU SEROIUS?! LIKE, I'M A GIRL, AND I BLEED ONCE A MONTH OUT OF MY VAGINA AND I MANAGE TO KEEP THE BLOOD WHERE IT BELONGS---OFF THE BED AND INTO A TAMPON, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!?!" he only glared at me and mock-vomited because i said "vagina" and "blood" and "tampon" in the same sentence.

anyway, i washed all of the bedding. nothing came out. so i went on a mission. to find a blood-stain removal product.

and here is what i found at target:

do you see what it is called? MAXFORCE! oxiclean MAXFORCE! right on the bottle it says "removes tough stains like wine and blood." i ought to give ol Dexter from Showtime a call and let him know what a gem i found.

i washed all the bedding with MAXFORCE! and the blood is gone! THE BLOOD IS GONE PEOPLE! IT'S AMAZING! THE BLOOD WAS THERE AND NOW IT'S GONE!!! BAM! JUST LOOK AT HOW BRIGHT MY BEDDING IS NOW!!! OXICLEAN MAXFORCE IS INCREDIBLE! (that outburst was a tribute to the late and great Billy Mays)

i bought like 3 boxes of band-aids at target as well. now i MAXFORCE! JJ into putting on an electric-colored bandage/shield for each of his gashes before bed each night.

problem solved.


  1. eww. been there, why don't boys put bandaids on?! i shout it out.

  2. it really is the most amazing stuff ever. removes anything and everything.

  3. jesus, your story had pangs of The Godfather. do you shriek like the movie producer did?


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