Sunday, October 4, 2009

The Ultimate Regret

dear God, why did you let me leave the house in brown corduroy pants, a yellow sweater, and moccasins from 2001? (yes, i really wore that to work yesterday...i'm totally ashamed)

my sister CA has my car to see her boyfriend, and JJ is in LA, so i am stuck driving his truck all weekend. yesterday Dee had me up to her apartment after work for a glass of wine and to look at her "20 years as a flight attendant with American Airlines" scrapbook. (and OMG you should read the guidelines, she saved the employee handbook! couldn't be married, pregnant, fat, short, tall, skinny, long-haired, etc...the requirements were so specific. had to wear high heels, had to wear estee lauder makeup, had to wear your hair just above your collar, etc. and of course she thinks of today's flight attendants with distaste. she said, "nowadays you can be pregnant AND have terribly penciled eyebrows ((LOL)) she's so funny) anyway, after Dee's, i decided that since i was alone, i would treat myself to my favorite sandwich shop: San Francisco Sourdough. it's like $9 for a sandwich, but sooo worth every bite (they even have a special mayonnaise spread to DIE for)

so i called JJ in the car on the short (2 minute) drive from work/Dee's apartment to the sandwich shop. i park and step out of the car, still talking to JJ and a man is standing outside of the Panda Express (7$*&%#*@!#$%&^ is what happens to me after Panda Express...never again) next door to the sandwich shop, and he says to me, "you might want to straighten out your car a little bit." and i stared at him then said, "OH my GODDDDD" and got back in the car and fixed it. he watched me the whole time. i got out and he said, "thank you very much" in a patronizing tone. i just walked past him and scowled and said rudely, "you're welcome asshole." except i said "asshole" in my head and not out loud.

and you know when something like this happens, you curse yourself for not being quicker on your feet. then you plan what you SHOULD have said, but you're never brave enough to actually go back into the Panda Express to yell at a man for something that happened 15 minutes ago. but you'll always remember how you didn't handle it. The Ultimate Regret.

so as i got into the sandwich shop, i thought of how i would have ideally liked the situation to play out:

it would have been a Monday, and i would have been wearing NOT an ugly outfit but a pencil skirt, my favorite butterfly blouse and black bootie heels. complete with my Gucci sunglasses (because without Gucci just couldn't be done). i would have parked and stepped out of the car. the guy would say, "you might want to straighten yourself out." and i would have stopped and stood there, in the sexxxxy outfit, put my sunglasses down my nose just so my eyes were barely showing, give the man (he was ugly and fat, and standing in front of the Panda Express) the once-over from head to toe, then say "you might want to pull the stick out of your ass," then walk away, the bootie heels clacking on the sidewalk as my hips swayed and he stared after me feeling foolish and beaten.

i mean, i win in all facets of life situations against that man. why did he make me feel like an idiot? he caught me off guard is what he did. he caught me off guard. on a Sunday. in JJ's truck which i can't drive anyway, and in a bad outfit. the nerve of that man.

1 comment:

  1. yeh? i called the idiot store and they're out of you!
    Dot had a recent missed re-zing w/ a long term friend of hers who said something so rude as to knock her off her feet. she, too, had a perfect mid-air volley.....2 hours later.


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