Saturday, November 7, 2009

Chanel + Kitty Crack = Love 4evr

my mom heard a woman on the Martha Stewart show. she is the author of The Cat Bible. Please feel free to browse her site, but also please feel free to know that going to the website is the key element to The Crazy Lady Starter Kit.

my mom heard this woman talk about how terrible the dry cat food is. like i said before, we buy Chanel only the best: Iams Indoor Weight and Hairball Control which is about $15 a bag. and Chanel vacuumes through a bag every couple of weeks. fat. ass. but anyway, this cat woman claims that dry food is like kitty crack and that one should only feed a cat organic wet food. so i momentarily feared for Chanel's existence and bought her some wet food. the cat lady said that the first time a cat tries it, she/he will think it's heaven and try to eat as much as possible. she said to feed the cat as much as she/he wants for 15 minutes. knowing Chanel's issues with eating her feelings, i got 2 cans out, ready to stuff her like a ham. i poured the first can into the bowl and she stared at it for like 5 minutes while swishing her tail (she only swishes her tail when annoyed). "fudge," i thought. "this is going to be difficult." so i called my mom and said, "she won't eat the wet food." my mom said, "who?" i said, "Chanel. she won't eat it, mom. what does the cat lady say to that?" my mom said, "she says that the cat won't starve itself, eventually she'll come around and end up liking it."

and so the canned food sat. it sat and it sat. in Chanel's bowl. for 14 hours. i got home from work and there was a fly on it. and it was all crusted and nasty. and Chanel was rabidly starving. like eyes the size of tennis balls and her tongue licking her lips and her fur all mussed and her tail swishing wildly. (see any parallels here with a crack-addict??) "EAT WHAT I GAVE YOU BITCH!" i yelled at her. i set her next to the food, she jumped down and stared longingly at the prize: her plastic container with her name on the front, holding her dry food. (i could practically hear her, "just need another hit. one more, that's all." i glared at her and said, "that's what they all say, Chanel.") i decided to let Chanel think about her life for a while. so i fed Cleo since she eats what i give her. i poured Cleo's food in her bowl and Chanel PLOWS THROUGH THE KITCHEN taking down anything and everything in her path. she slid to a halt in front of Cleo's dish, practically punting the dog out of her way. then she inhaled the entirety of the dog food. my cat ate dog food. my overweight persnickity cat ate Iams Dog Food for Small and Toy Breeds. she is bigger than a small or toy breed. and i'm not exactly sure what's going to happen to her. i was astounded. i have literally never seen anything like it in my life.

needless to say we are back to feeding the giant monster her dry food. i think the cat lady was right about the kitty crack. seriously. i can picture Chanel as a human. a frail little waif of a girl, shooting up in the deep dark alleys of Spokane. the kitty crack may shave a few years off of her lifespan, but hey, she's one happy pussy cat.


  1. What is this wet cat food business? Thanks alot Lacie, now I feel like a bad mom to Milo for feeding him dry stuff. :) Wouldn't it be expensive to feed them wet food all the time??? I'm already buying the premium dry cat food--so at least we're giving them high-quality kitty crack. :)

  2. You folks need some kids. Chanel and Milo are not barn cats I assume.


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