i got in really late last night so i had extra trouble getting up and out the door to work this morning. JJ was an especially irritated hibernating bear this morning when i asked him to make me a sandwich for lunch. he made it on the stalest bread ever. (i just tried to eat it and i couldn't) then i asked him if he could start my car and he didn't. so i got all huffy and marched outside in my bralette and black opaque tights with the hole in the right big toe and did it myself. it was not a happy morning. BUT i am using my new Juicy travel mug...it's pink and says in big bold letters "MAKE EVERY DAY HAPPY." it's a good one. i love it. i arrived to work in the nick of time and just when i was convincing myself to live by the words on my mug and start the day over in a happier mood.........in walks the Poop Nazi. (sorry to reader "Sarah" who disapproves of my negligent use of the word "Nazi" ...everyone knows her as PN already, some things are hard to change)
i was in the resident dining room, saying hello to the breakfast eaters and pouring hot water for tea into my new mug, PN shuffles in breathing heavily and says to me loudly "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GET COFFEE IN HERE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GET IT IN THE EMPLOYEE BREAK ROOM." i looked at her angrily and said, "it's water." and she goes, "OH. SORRY. I JUST DIDN'T WANT YOU TO GET IN TROUBLE." shut up, yes you did. you just yelled at me in front of my beloved residents you big asswipe. your whole life is trying to micro-manage me and make my life Miserable. she then proceeds to follow me to my desk, toddling behind me the whole way, and says to me as i sit down, "you look a little frazzled this morning, has it been hard getting the day going?" OHMYGHODDDD GET OUTTA MY FACE BITCH BEFORE I DEVASTATE YOUR NOSE WITH MY GIANT DESTRUCTIVE FIST. i just said, "i got home late last night," and focused intently on my computer screen. she toddled away.
and then i didn't see her for 3 whole hours. 3 HOURS OF A PN-FREE WORKZONE. UNBELIEVABLE. and then at 11:25 am she comes to my desk and i see her out of the corner of my eye so i pretend i'm Very Busy Doing Important Things. she then set her hands on my desk with her fake fuchsia-laquered nails grazing my nameplate and said, "i have been poked, prodded, folded, stapled and tortured all morning!" i replied, "mmmm..." she said, "look at me." i obeyed. what i saw almost made me pee my pants like that one time after school in the 7-11. i'm serious. her cheeks were enormous. like the size of her ass cheeks. a giant, man-eating chipmunk was standing before me. i tried realllllly hard to stifle my laughs, but i couldn't help but guffaw at her. so i allowed myself one. one guffaw. then i said, "oooh, ahhh, looks painful." then went back to my work. she said, "it is. really painful." and waddled away.
PN as man-eating chipmunk has MADE THIS DAY HAPPY.