Monday, November 9, 2009

The Rug Dr.

my mom is coming into town tonight. what better time than yesterday to rent the Rug Dr., scour the litter box, clean the toilet, wash the sheets,strip the couch covers and douse them in bleach, etc. etc. i mean, my house is as clean as martha fudging stewart's right now.

but of course my cleaning Did Not Go Off Without Irritating Experiences. first, i sent JJ out to rent the Rug Dr. he came back in a huff because apparently you have to have a WA state driver's license in order to rent. JJ still has his little round-faced 16-year-old self beaming from his CA state lisence. so back to the grocery store we went. Cleo wanted to come for the ride. we left her in the car and went in to rent (ohyeahandwealsopickedupaturtlecheesecakenobigdeal) we opened the car doors to load the Dr. into the car and an overwhelming stench overcame us. we gagged and cursed and screamed right there in the suburban grocery store parking lot. and it was 8 pm so it was pitch black. we couldn't find the source of the smell. so i was like "CLEO I KNOW IT WAS YOU, WHERE IS IT? WHERE'S THE PILE?!?!" her tail went between her legs. JJ called her another word for the female genitalia. all four car doors are open, my purse is thrown on the ground and the Dr. is laying defenseless on its side. we are taking about 6 parking spaces with our spectacle. 2 people screaming at a dog and trying not to throw up.

"I'VE FOUND IT," exclaimed JJ, as proud as a pirate who found a buried treasure. and there it was. a pile of shit. a pile of shit in the back seat of my car. i grabbed the pile with a plastic bagged hand and threw it all away. JJ and i organized ourselves and tucked everything nicely into the vehicle and Cleo came and sat obediently on my lap, with a tall, confident posture as if she didn't just plant the nastiest dump on my leather upholstery. idiot.

we get home and of course i Rug Dr. the entire house while JJ sits on his ass eating bon-bons, pointing and stating "you've missed a spot, there." when i finished, i felt wonderful. triumphant. i took one look around the room and said, "good job, self. pat. on. the. mother. fudging. BACK." and out of the corner of my eye, i see Cleo, squatting and taking a giant piss on my newly Rug Doctored carpet.


  1. Is Cleo coming to Hawaii? I hope not! Have you thought about putting a pillow over her face?

  2. I love pets, they always seem to know the exact moment when they will ruin your life. And then take advantage. Quite a human like quality if you ask me :)

  3. looks like cleo needs to go back to obedience school

  4. Caesar would have a field day with you rubes![1] You didn't take her out for some time - too busy cleaning for her morning visit to the back yard no doubt & [2] there was other, recent animal smells eminating big-time out of that rug doctor - needless to say, she'll be remarking the whole damn mobile home's carpets do doubt. They make very good carpet cleaners these days. Have Julia K sport you one for the Yule - then the odors you sweep about will be the one and only Cleo's. Let's hear it for leather! PS how was the cheesecake?

  5. the cheesecake was the best thing ever in life.

    am i truly an adult now? i can no longer ask for clothes and handbags for christmas? i have to ask for cleaning products!??! i will not succumb to Housewife Hell

  6. You'll begging for that carpet cleaner [1] when the carpet is yours through purchase and/or [2] you or JJ or both start bringing work-related strangers into your crib. If that's 4377, then welcome to 4377.


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