so the HR guy had a mandatory inservice today for all employees about the new drug and alcohol policy.
one of the new changes is "RW reserves the right to perform random drug tests via salivia swab, urine samples, hair follicles, blood samples, etc...and if there is reasonable suspicion, RW reserves the right to do personal searches (i.e. purses, lunch boxes, vehicles, etc.)." of course i asked, "WHAT KIND OF SAMPLE DO WE HAVE TO PROVIDE IF RANDOM DRUG TESTING IS CONDUCTED?!?!" because i was freaking out about having to give my blood. like, NO YOU MAY NOT TAKE MY PRECIOUS BLOOD. IT BELONGS IN ME. TEST ONE OF THE OTHER FREAKS. the answer was saliva swabs. phew.
anyway, when HR guy was talking about all of this, you should have seen the miscreants i work with all shaking in their seats. like OMG DRUG TESTS?!?! CAR SEARCHES?!?!? WTF? I'M GOING TO HAVE TO FIND A NEW LOCATION TO KEEP MY METH LAB. it was hilar to see their faces. but also kind of scary. like, i work with a bunch of druggies and alchys.
so, me being me, i tried to lighten the tension in the room after the inservice. i leaned over to a maintenance guy who is probably a Drug Lord in his spare time and i said, "so, i uh, guess that means no irish car bombs at lunch then?" he just stared blankly at me. then my turtleneck got really itchy and uncomfortable and my cheeks got red and hot and nervous so i turned around and ran away.