Friday, December 18, 2009

FU CHANEL

i almost put Chanel to sleep this week.

on tuesday i got home from work to see little swipes of brown on the kitchen table, the couch and the wall. i inspected the swipes. definitely poop. Cleo can't get on the table, so it had to be Chanel. (PROCESS OF ELIMINATION! isn't it great?)

so i found the dumb cat. and sure enough, she had diarrhea. so there is brown poop on her tail. which she used to paint my house brown. so i screamed first. then i grabbed her. and then i got into the shower with Chanel in my arms. in hindsight, i realize this probably wasn't a good idea. like, at. all. because as soon as the water touched us, Chanel went all nuts and scratched the shit out of me. i have 4 giant scratches down my belly like a caveman who tussled with a cougar. then some more on my wrist. so i finished my shower (PAINFULLY--cat scratches are the woooorstttt) and when i got out, i put on my bathrobe that says ANGEL on it and i got down on my hands and knees and wrenched Chanel out from under the couch. then i put her butt under the sink and washed the diarrhea out of her tail. but it didn't work. not even with soap. Chanel is howling like a wolf now, screaming for help and trying to claw me again. i took her into the kitchen and got out an all-purpose clorox wipe and scrubbed her bhole. SHE STARTS PURRING. ew. i turned on my cat by cleaning/rubbing her ass. i got out the scissors and cut out the diarrhea-stained parts of her butt and tail. then i blow-dried her fur.

WHAT A DAY!

we get into bed around 10 and fall asleep....2 am we hear Cleo jump off the bed "QUICK! GRAB CLEO! BEFORE SHE POOPS INSIDE!"....then we heard the most awful sound ever: we turned on the lights just as Chanel was barfing....ON MY UGGS. LIKE SERIOUSLY?!?! ON MY UGGS?! ANYWHERE BUT ON MY UGGS!!! so i screamed again. and almost started crying, you know, because it was the middle of the night, and, well, my favorite shoes were covered in cat barf. and while we were busy worrying about the cat barf, Cleo pooped in the kitchen. COME ON LIFE.

in the morning i met my mom at the halfway point between our towns. i brought Chanel, and she brought her dog Lola666. we traded for our vacation. Lola was to be with Cleo in the kennel and Chanel was to stay at my parents' house. i told my mom to keep her and to never bring her back.

2 days later (today), i was feeding the dogs breakfast when i just happened to look over at Chanel's food bowl. it had three little pieces of cat food in it. i started to miss her a lot. then i felt bad for being so mean. THEN I LOOKED CLOSER AND SAW A BROWN SWIPE ON THE FLOOR.

F&$* YOU CHANEL

5 comments:

  1. ahahaha i can just picture you doing all this and swearing. i'm dying. poor chanel! i guess this is a good lesson, DON'T get another cat ever.

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  2. it looks like you got a blair witch tattoo. hahaha and not hahaha at the same time.
    f cats.

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  3. Apologies for bringing Chanel into your life. that was a BIG mistake. never again.

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  4. LJ IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! blair witch tattoo LOL. btw can you see that red line going all the way around my waist??...that would be where my tights were cutting off my circulation.

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