Saturday, December 26, 2009

i hate pizza.

i hate pizza. like whatever. it gives me really bad diarrhea and makes me feel nasty so i don't really eat it. but this morning was weird...

i went to bed at 1 am. because we got home at 12:15 and then we opened one present and then we were watching the news about the terrorist asshole and then i couldn't sleep because i was bothered by the terrorist asshole. so i went to bed at 1 am. then i had to get up at 6:30 am. when i got up i spent 30 minutes on facebook and staring at pictures of Rah trying on her wedding dress. then i realized how late i was. and then i realized that i didn't even kind of have time for a shower. and then i realized that i haven't showered since we were in hawaii. then i just lost all hope for the day and put back on the outfit that i wore on Christmas. the outfit that i wore all day, even on the plane. and i just stink. but JJ even said to me this morning "hey, not bad for how disgusting you really are." then he made me a coffe and gave me a big kiss and said "HAVE A LOVELY DAY!" it was a miracle. a Christmas Miracle. he is never that nice in the mornings.

then i got to work. and pooped three times before 10 am. LIKE WHOA. that's a lotta poop. so i got hungry. i mean, there was nothing in there. so i ate a bag of chips at 10 am. i know, i know. so gross. then one of the maintenance men (the one whose zit i pointed out) asked me if i wanted to go halvsies on a pizza. i was like "YEAH. OK!" even though i don't even like pizza. and so the pizza came. and we sat in the lame employee lunchroom and ate the pizza. i got mushroom and green peppers and he got some meat gross supreme thing. the next thing i know i look down and 3 slices of my half are gone. i was like OMG DID I JUST EAT 3 PIECES?!?!?!?! i have never eaten 3 pieces of pizza in my life. i remember that one time when my friend Katelin at a whole medium pizza by herself in 8th grade and i remember being so shocked and really appalled. and now here i was getting a GIANT BELLY FROM THREE PIECES OF PIZZA. like, at least Katelin was smart enough to eat a whole medium pizza when her metabolism was at the speed of light. i am 23. the metabolism is slower. and though a generally thin person, i get a little Grinchy around the middle. (i.e. Jim Carrey as Grinch. see below)



thin but potbellied. see what i mean? it all goes to my stomach. i think i get it from my Pappy.

anyway, after the initial shock of the three pieces of pizza (i decided: one for each of the monster-sized shits i took this morning before 10 am. sounds good to me) i looked over at the maintenance man's side of the pizza. he could hardly finish one piece. i out-ate a man. That Is A Crazy Thing. A Gross Thing. I OUT-ATE A MAN!!!! A MAN WHO IS RUNNING AROUND ALL DAY FIXING FAUCETS AND SHIT. LIKE HE'S EXERCISING LITERALLY ALL DAY AND HE ATE ONLY ONE SLICE. I ATE MORE THAN HIM. i pushed my chair back and started to back away from The Scene. the maintenance man was like "WAIT DON'T YOU WANT THE REST OF YOUR HALF?!?!?!?!" and i was like FUDGE NO GUY! I JUST ATE THREE PIECES YOU TAKE THE REST AND YOU SHOVE IT WHERE I WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN. and i threw the $8 i owed him in his face and i ran away.

i hate pizza.

2 comments:

  1. this is like delia saying she hates ice cream. its a total lie.

    ReplyDelete
  2. you bite your tongue. pizza is delicious.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...