part of my job is being able to handle bodily waste. no, not the retirement community. farts are all that happens there. i'm talking about babysitting. i wipe asses, change diapers, swipe the snot being licked off of an upper lip...but barf is the worst. it reallllly is.
when S was one, he had the flu so i gave him water and cheerios. he held it down ok, and it seemed he was on the way to feeling better. he whined and whined for a bottle so i gave him a little one. 30 seconds later i was covered in milk and chewed up cheerios. all over. dripping down my neck and my shirt was covered. "well, shit," i thought. now what? i gagged. S cried. M screamed. and i still had about 4-5 hours of babysitting to go. so i did the only thing i could think of: i went into M's closet (she was 2 at the time) and i put on her biggest shirt, which was, of course a size 3T. i looked like Baby Spice. my belly button was hanging out, and the shirt had pink frills on the shoulders. when CP and A got home they could not stop laughing. it WAS quite a sight.
well last night, while we were playing the "Monkeys on the Bed" board game, (it's so lame. i cheat to get the game over with faster. is that bad?) M declared, "I AM THE QUEEN OF THE BED!" and S said, "I AM THE KING OF THE BED! P IS THE PRINCESS!!....L you can be the servant." thanks for that S, but i am already aware of the fact that i am your slave. anyway, P was eating a little baby biscuit and she had mashed blueberries and pears earlier. and a bottle of milk. i guess the biscuit sent her overboard because she yakked (sp?) all over my leg. so i did what i usually do: grab a baby wipe. baby wipes have magical powers. seriously. they are good for cleaning, stain removal, wiping up dog pee, etc. so i baby wiped my leg. and i baby wiped P's face. then i smelled something AWFUL. and M and S smelled it too. and it was my barf leg. it was soooo bad. so we all gagged. and P laughed. so i took off my pants and fashioned myself a skirt. with a blanket. that was blue and had monkeys all over it. so what does S say? "L I'M COOOOOOOOLD!!!!....AND THAT'S THE ONLY BLANKET DOWN HERE." i don't think so, buddy. "i'll go get you a sweatshirt then, master King S," i said.