Sunday, December 6, 2009

Makeshift Clothing

part of my job is being able to handle bodily waste. no, not the retirement community. farts are all that happens there. i'm talking about babysitting. i wipe asses, change diapers, swipe the snot being licked off of an upper lip...but barf is the worst. it reallllly is.

when S was one, he had the flu so i gave him water and cheerios. he held it down ok, and it seemed he was on the way to feeling better. he whined and whined for a bottle so i gave him a little one. 30 seconds later i was covered in milk and chewed up cheerios. all over. dripping down my neck and my shirt was covered. "well, shit," i thought. now what? i gagged. S cried. M screamed. and i still had about 4-5 hours of babysitting to go. so i did the only thing i could think of: i went into M's closet (she was 2 at the time) and i put on her biggest shirt, which was, of course a size 3T. i looked like Baby Spice. my belly button was hanging out, and the shirt had pink frills on the shoulders. when CP and A got home they could not stop laughing. it WAS quite a sight.

well last night, while we were playing the "Monkeys on the Bed" board game, (it's so lame. i cheat to get the game over with faster. is that bad?) M declared, "I AM THE QUEEN OF THE BED!" and S said, "I AM THE KING OF THE BED! P IS THE PRINCESS!!....L you can be the servant." thanks for that S, but i am already aware of the fact that i am your slave. anyway, P was eating a little baby biscuit and she had mashed blueberries and pears earlier. and a bottle of milk. i guess the biscuit sent her overboard because she yakked (sp?) all over my leg. so i did what i usually do: grab a baby wipe. baby wipes have magical powers. seriously. they are good for cleaning, stain removal, wiping up dog pee, etc. so i baby wiped my leg. and i baby wiped P's face. then i smelled something AWFUL. and M and S smelled it too. and it was my barf leg. it was soooo bad. so we all gagged. and P laughed. so i took off my pants and fashioned myself a skirt. with a blanket. that was blue and had monkeys all over it. so what does S say? "L I'M COOOOOOOOLD!!!!....AND THAT'S THE ONLY BLANKET DOWN HERE." i don't think so, buddy. "i'll go get you a sweatshirt then, master King S," i said.


  1. How low is that to cheat when you are playing a board game with toddlers!?! SHAME-SHAME-SHAME!

  2. Oh come on Mimi! I do it when I babysit too, one time I was babysitting and the little boy (named Michael) wanted to play hide and seek. over. and over. and over. and he hid in the same spot so eventually I went straight to the spot, and said "I found you!" and he said, "No you have to check under the table first!" Because that's what I had been doing. And to think I once loved hide-and-go-seek. humpf.


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