Saturday, January 31, 2009

pink puke

you know. i always told myself that i wouldn't be that guy who goes to the college bars after i graduate. and i haven't. until last night.

i went to the doctor yesterday to have my ear looked at. (it really hurt and i kept thinking there was a bug in there. this woman from Selah had an earwig in her ear once so she poured water in there to flood it out. so i poured hydrogen peroxide in my ear to see if a bug came out. but no bug came out. so i was convinced it was a spider. because i feel like spiders are hard to flood out of your ear. they are tricky little dicks, ya know?) anyway i have swimmer's ear. wtf? i don't swim. and the handout the doctor gave me said "swimmer's ear can be obtained from showering TOO often." WELL THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT HOW I GOT IT! also the doctor asked me how often i exercised and i lied and said twice a week. anyway, after that i just sat around like a lazy cavity with mah dog and mah cat.

then Rah and i went to watch the Chiefs and bud-light-double-fisted our way through the game. then we called our ol college buddy RayJones and he urged us to go out with him. so we threw our hands in the air and said, "what the hell?" and we went out. but first we went to RayJones' house and took shots of vodka (reeeaallllll classy.) we felt totally college which made us really miss it. then we went to the most popular college bar. and had some drinks. (after i just told the doctor that morning that i never drink, but when i do i simply have a glass of wine or a beer.) then i texted someone from college and he said, "who is this?" which it totally embarrassing because he clearly took me out of his phone after we graduated. then we went outside and i slipped and fell on the ice. think i broke my tailbone and my elbows are scratched. then i smoked a cigarette. (gross...also told the doctor i don't smoke) then we went to the second most popular college bar. and Rah and RayJones won $50 on the pull-tabs. then the bartender put black sharpie X's on her hands. then we went home. before midnight. then i puked pink. i didn't eat anything pink. but that is so my style. even my puke is pretty. then i went to bed. then i got up and tried to wake JJ (i'm about even with bin laden right now on the list of people he likes) and went to work wearing the same outfit (that i also slept in). then i called Sam to wish her happy bday and she didn't know who i was because i called from work and my voice was unrecognizable and all deep and tranny-like. then i felt sick until i went to TB with my coworker Maintenance Man for lunch. two chalupas later and i'm a whole new woman.

why is it that after college you just suck at drinking?

little known things

about me.

1. I used to swallow stick on earrings when I was little so my poop would sparkle.
2. I talk before I think. Which gets me in trouble sometimes.
3. I think my cat understands me the best.
4. I'm terrified of driving in the city. I get all sweaty and hot and panicky.
5. I organize my closet by color because I like it to resemble a rainbow. And it really bothered me that there wasn't anything yellow in there so I bought 3 yellow shirts. And I don't even like yellow. I just wanted my closet to look pretty.
6. I have an uncanny ability to spend a ridiculous amount of money at Walgreens while I'm waiting for a prescription.
7. I can't have adult vitamins. They make me throw up.
8. I am intrigued by wolves.
9. When I was little I used to lay in bed and wipe my boogers on the wall. Then my Mom rearranged my room and moved my bed....and all my boogers were showing. She got really mad/grossed out so she made me scrape them off.
10. I think spending money on makeup is just crazy. I'm a wet n' wild girl.
11. One of my worst memories of my life was when I got hives from Penicillin and I had to go to the DR wearing a Shania Twain concert tee with no bra and grey sweatpants.
12. I hate traveling. Backpacking through Europe was the hardest thing I have ever done.
13. My dog has better hair than I do.
14. This will haunt me forever: I cheated once on a test in junior high. And my teacher caught me and pointed at me with her fat Cheetoh-stained fingers and scolded me.
15. I dread the day that I will not longer be able to wear short shorts/dresses/skirts.
16. It really annoys me when really cool people have bad self esteem.
17. I am an undomesticated goddess. JJ makes every meal. I HATE COOKING.
18. My feet haven't grown since 6th grade.
19. JJ thinks I'm the best person in the world.
20. I have never had buyer's remorse.
21. I can't whisper.
22. Working at a retirement community has taught me to appreciate the little things in life...like the fact that I can walk in high heels.
23. I am vain.
24. I took that test in high school that told you what you were supposed to be when you grow up....and it said that I should be a hearse driver.
25. I have never been to a club. I can't dance "freestyle."

Thursday, January 29, 2009

lonely bones

junior year in college i lived alone in a one-bedroom apartment. i was lonely and sad (boo hoo) until the end of the year when i started dating JJ and hanging out with Crazylegs, The Black Dahlia and Juelz Santana. 

during the lonely days, i would sometimes catch myself being completely pathetic and wretched and pitiful, and would have to step back completely from the situation and shake it off. i called these times My Low Points. My Low Points included:

1. laying on the floor for an hour face down.
2. talking to Chanel...and beyond talking....asking her questions.
3. hooking up with a Nicholas Cage knockoff.
4. wandering the aisles of Target for 2+ hours.
5. survived on diet of spaghetti-os and buttered toast.
6. Oprah EVERY SINGLE DAY at 4. even planned class schedule around it.
7. subscribed to People Magazine. no person has time to keep up with the weekly publication...but i read each one cover to cover.
8. started running (bughllllll)
9. started listening to rap music (bughllllll)
10. made my bed. every. day. 

there are more...but they just keep getting worse. i got my independence from living alone with my cat and now i find myself doing things like going to the movies solo. yesterday it was Marley and Me...and i was the ONLY one in the theater....except for a Giant Man with a jumbo popcorn and slushie drink....who was also solo. he sat in the very back and i sat in the very front. but at the end, when Marley took his last breath, i heard the Giant Man sniffling and i looked at him with my glistening eyes and he looked at me with his and we smiled at each other. 

Saturday, January 24, 2009

funny gal

you know when you're being reaaaal funny and the people you're around (may be people you know. may be strangers) just don't think you're laugh-worthy? most likely it's simply that they're boring and don't understand humor...but maybe just maaaybe it's that you're really just not on that day. your jokes just aren't quite up to par. well...with me, sometimes i just say really stupid things that i think are the bees knees and in reality are neither funny nor appropraite. just plain awkward. for example:

1. when paying for parking: "that'll be $2.50 ma'am." so i dangle a $20 and say with a wink, "ya can't keep the change on that one pal!" guy didn't even chuckle.

2. when returning a chinese crested dog shaped purse at Macy's..."Believe it or not, a chinese crested ISN'T what i always wanted." girl did a fake peter griffen laugh.

3. when Y. Droogsman the chubs chef told me he was going to take his sick day to go fishing i said, "OH YOU DIRRRTY DOG!!" chef prob didn't get the american joke.

4. (this one belongs to Crazylegs) at the grocery store checkout digging in her purse...and instead of grabbing pen, grabbed tampon and wagged it in front of grocer's face and proclaimed, "that's not YOURS!!!"

5. after JJ's boss licked my tattoo...."yummy."

6. first day of Marriage Preparation Class (don't worry...more to come on that subject. stay tuned) after the teacher said "welcome" in a very calm and Catholic voice...i said, "welcome...oh. wow. i just welcomed myself to yourself...to the class. sorry i'm awkward." the teacher said, "oh....it's....ok." other couples just looked away.

7. at pita pit with my sister as reluctantly pass card to cashier..."16 DOLLARS?! boy i guess i never really paid attention to how much they cost...then again i don't think i ever bought a pita when i was sober...heh heh heh" boring guy didn't even crack a smile!!!

8. a friend of Crazylegs and mine turned 21 so we created a giant decorated glass mug...complete with a cat figurine that had a blue rhinestone eye glued to the bottom. we said, "so when you can see the cat, it's time for a purrrrefill!" we're not friends with him anymore.

9. when entering courthouse and criminal-looking man holds door open for me, "why thank you my good sir." Crazylegs scolded me.

etc. etc. etc.

even while i am re-reading them, i still think i am quite hilarious. but you're the one who knows me. you're the one reading this. and I KNOW you're the one slightly smiling because you know how effing funny i am. stop kidding yourself and just laugh.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

MOOSE ON THE LOOSE

my place of work is stationed on a hill surrounded by nature. like trees and foilage and shit. and when something mildly interesting happens here, it's like a crazy BUZZ. (like today, when pressie obamsie was giving his speech, all the oldies huddled around the big screen to watch...it was fab) well the other day i was working and got 579 calls about a moose wandering through the houses in this neighborhood. they would call and say "OHMYGOD THERE'S A MOOSE IN MY BACKYARD!! DO SOMETHING!" like they want me to catch it myself. i would just say "maintenance is handling it. thanksbye." since my place of work is so naturesque, wildlife are constantly coming around and nibbling. but EVERYONE was FREAKING OUT about the stoooooooopid MOOSE WITH ONLY ONE ANTLER.

maybe i was acting cool because in 7th grade my family and i went camping (bughlllgghhh) and i was sitting alone at a picnic table happily making my way through a package of double stuf oreos (why does nabisco spell "stuf" with only one "f"?) and a live thing (it was a man deer i think) came up to the picnic table and pulled my oreos over to himself with his teeth and polished off the rest of them in one graceful movement. i guess he was on his period (he he he he) i just sat there. like shocked. i didn't move. then he turned around and just walked back into the forest. i mean, that was a close call.
well last monday moosie with only one antler came reeeaaaal close to the main building and all the residents were standing around the windows with their cameras and binoculars like it was a zoo. and we have a French Chef Named Y. Droogsmans (yes, real) who has a terribly harsh French accent and while the residents and i were gathered around the window checking out the moose, Y. Droogsmans came BOLTING out of the kitchen screaming. he waddled (he's fat) outside in his white apron and black checkered pants chasing after the moose yelling "i weeel getayooo mooose. i weeel keeel you witch mah gun!" apparently Y. Droogsmans is an avid hunter. he wanted to kill the moose with one antler and cut him up and cook him and serve him to the residents. what a nut.

well today i finally thought all the moose with one antler hype was past us, then i get this e-mail: "Pictures of our moose are on current events folder." OUR MOOSE? hhahahahahahaahahhhh we own him now. anyway, up above is the picture of "our moose." it's Washington Postcard Worthy.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Doggie Dayz

because it's January and i'm so bored i could die, i got a wild hair in my bhole and decided to enroll my dumb (adorable little schmoooochie wooooochie) dog Foxy Cleopatra in Dog Obedience Classes. i asked JJ to come with me.....he just stuttered trying to think of excuses, so i cut him off and went alone.

I HATE DOG OBEDIENCE CLASSES. but i pre-paid for 8 weeks. so i'm going to stick it out...but here's why it completely BLOWS:

i brought the 3 required items: dog treats, a blanket with my "scent" (wtf?) and a leash. with the first breath i took in that awful building, i gagged. the smell is DAUNTING. i mean, it's completely unbearable. buhllgggghhh. so i had to recede quietly back out the door and take like 7 huge, deep, clean Janurary breaths before i ventured back inside. i gagged a few more times standing next to the garbage can (just in case) then i went to the desk and paid.

Dog Obedience People are a whole different breed (pun intended). i mean, it's incredible. they're vicious. there was a man and his son, who got a yellow lab for Christmas (HOW ORIGINAL). a couple with 2 dogs who actually talked to them like this: "Brix, little puppy, are you going to go to class with mommy?!" and...this happened...."mommy" picked up brix's paw during class and waved it and whispered "look Brix...there's daddy and Rocko!! give them a wave!" it was disgusting. there are 3 pitbulls (nice, Spokane) in the class, a great dane who is larger than me, a stupid pug who snorts snot, etc etc. there are 14 dog-owner teams total. and Cleo is XXS by like 10 pounds.

and of course my dog sucks in class. i have the bad kid who doesn't do anything but sit and wag her tail. and everyone in the class shows off what their dog can do. it's worse than an upper-middle-class private school PTA meeting i'm not kidding. we all had to introduce ourselves and our dogs and say what we wanted out of the class. people said things like "Cocoa knows how to 'sit' and 'stay' and 'lay down' already, i just want her to be socialized." blah blah blah. i said "i don't want my dog to shi---i mean poop (couldn't say shit because the Boy and His Christmas Puppy) on my carpet." because that's the honest-to-God truth. i'm not trying to showcase my dog's talents. her talent is her uncanny ability to shred newspaper into a million pieces. or to poo in secret places that i never find until it's crusted onto to floor.

i hated everyone. until we went out for a potty break and this big huge guy who had an English-Pointer-Something goes, "dude, my dog has never been on a leash haha!" and i was like "mine either. she's embarrassing me in front of these die-hard Dog Obedience People." he laughed. which stroked my ego. so i like him. at least there's one normal person.

and when the great dane Floyd came galloping at an impressive speed with its mouth open towards Foxy Cleopatra, i picked her up and ran. because that thing weighs more than the both of us. then i was chastised. "Keep the dog on the ground at all times during class. she needs to learn how to be confident." i felt like saying "well why don't i throw you in a boxing ring with Mike Tyson. maybe that will teach you how to be confident." but i didn't.

even though i hate Puppy Class, i took my folder with that week's homework (that is real. we have HOMEWORK) and have been practicing "sit" and "lay down." and we also have a little something up our sleeves that no one else's dumb dog will know how to do: when i say "Cleopatra are you pretty?" she twirls around. eat that Dog Obedience People who think fashion means wearing a special doggie-treat-dispensing-fanny-pack. uglh. 7 more weeks to go.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

bagged.

ok so i was dying for this bag i saw online from TARGET of all places, and i went to buy it but they were SOLD OUT. i mean these things flew off the shelves. anyway, a few days later i went back to TARGET to see if they restocked. but they were out again. in EVERY TARGET in the state! so i gave up until i found some available on target.com and was going to buy it until i remembered that i don't have any money and i'm poor. so i asked JJ to buy it for me.

no he said.
what about for Valentine's Day?
no he said.
you're stupid. what are you going to get me for Valentine's Day then?
i said no he said.
but seroiusly. what ARE you going to get me?
shampoo he said. (WHAT AN IDIOT)
please please please pretty pretty pleaseeee??
no he said. i gotta say no to you L.
you act like i'm a 7 year-old begging for a gameboy.
you're a 22 year-old begging for a bag he said.
I HATE YOU. (hang up)

(3 minutes later)

"thank you for your purchase from target.com, your order will be shipped Jan. 14." (because sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do...even if it means only having $16 to your name until friday. in college i would spend grocery money on clothes. that's the problem with being a slave to fashion my friends. but now i can't spend the grocery money on clothes because i have to feed JJ. because if i don't feed JJ, i would find him slicing open and cooking my cat.)

so i called him back.

i bought the bag for myself. thanks a lot.
bad purchase he said.
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE HAPPY? I BOUGHT SOMETHING I WANTED FOR MYSELF!!
i'm happy for you he said.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Hockey Fanz

JJ works for the hockey team in our town. and both his dad and mine bought season tickets. and neither dad lives here. so basically i have 6 free tickets to every game. Rah and i don't usually go out, so we go to the hockey games instead. Our First Chiefs Hockey Game was quite the spectacular event. the hockey games provide an entirely new and fascinating culture in Spokane that we never knew about. and Rah and i have become "avid" fans without even realizing it. 2 of the 6 tickets are in the front row--right on the glass. it's a bit of a surprise the first time you experience one of the players smashing into the glass right in front of you. you're practically making out with them they're so close. the first game we sat in awe staring at the fans, with our mouths open and wondering where in the HELL these people came from.

to our right sits a man who we call "Nutty." we call him this because to each game he brings a stuffed chipmunk wearing a carefully crafted homemade mini Chiefs jersey. the chipmunk also has a mini set of nards. when the opposing team is anywhere within 347 feet in front of Nutty, he presses his chipmunk's stuffed nards against the glass and laughs creepily and chants things like "hey hey hey whatdoyagot?" it's really something.

to our left sits 2 sets of couples. the man closest to Rah is always drunk and chewing tobacco and offers his goods freely to anyone and everyone. behind us and to the right sits a man wearing a radio set from 1976 on his head. and over to our far left is The Big Red Family. 7+ kids. all big. all red. up in section 216...in the very tippy top row sits Admiral Toot. he is a rather large man who we think likes to have his farting privacy. hence the lonely, secluded seat at the tippy top. below Admiral Toot, at the bottom of section 216, sits a woman who personally requested that exact seat from JJ because "it's next to the best concession stand."

the other 4 season tickets are for when Rah and i have guests. behind these seats sit The Most Loyal Chiefs Fans Who Ever Lived. a mom, dad, 2 boys, a girl and a family friend. they know every single player by their first name and their Canadian hometown. they wear authentic jerseys to every game. and the girl has a necklace adorned with a signed picture button of each player. these people mean serious business. these fans scream the entire game. ENTIRE GAME. and quite frequently lean over and explain things. i suppose they feel the need to educate us hockey dummies.

Rah and i arrive at 7:45, precisely 45 minutes into the game. we buy a nice cold cup of beer and make our way to our seats. we now have matching Chiefs t-shirts and find ourselves occasionally yelling and whooping our fists in a circular motion. and jumping up and singing the victory song after each goal. and after the game we go to JITB for 2 soy tacos and curly fries. maybe we aren't so different from the "regulars" (i.e. Nutty, Big Red Fam, Admiral Toot...etc) as we thought.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

the olden days

due to the fact that the amount of snow around my house is comparable to that of an eskimo's, our satellite dish is not working. for almost a whole week now. ("I'm sorry ma'am, but the weather is affecting your city's television network") i hate to sound like a fat lazy american....but.....OHMYGOD WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT TV? I'M GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!! on sunday, JJ missed the games and i missed Desperate Housewives. on monday i missed Gossip Girl (!!!!!!!!) and J&K plus 8....AND The City! on tuesday i had to catch up on all these shows and JJ missed the Kings Game, on wednesday i missed the Patrick Swayze interview..tonight i will miss Grey's and the Office. NOT TO MENTION I HAVE BEEN MISSING ELLEN EVERY MORNING THIS WEEK! (i just realized how often i watch TV) i feel like i'm Laura Ingalls Wilder in the 1800's.

things to do instead of TV:

1. Chevy Chase marathon. each night we pick one of his movies. 
2. i've been playing a lot of solitaire. not on the computer. with real cards. 
3. Rug Doctored my living room.
4. coordinated JJ's closet.
5. shower more often.
6. took Cleo for a walk (and found 20 bucks in the slush. only to discover it wasn't mine so i had to return it. damn. tip: next time you find a 20, don't celebrate. just keep it to yourself)
7. Target run (obvi right?)
8. floss.
9. staring contest with Chanel.
10. try to rearrange living room only to discover the way we have it is the only way it can be because of....yes....you guessed it....because of the GOD FORSAKEN satellite dish cable cords. 

tomorrow i may possibly go insane. 

Monday, January 5, 2009

The List

my daily tasks as a receptionist for a retirement community include: helping Roy from room 221 open his mailbox because he can't reach it, typing various random notes for blind Dee in 712, bringing the CEO his Wall Street Journal by 8:00 am, telling Bernie in 624 that "yes, i am aware that the weather 'is taking a turn for the worse,'" handing 101-year-old Mrs. Tuggle her mail from the day before, agreeing with Will that "yes, his wife Foxy looks beautiful today," updating the report on who is out of town, answering phones (particularly waiting for that daily call from Leonard that "yes, he is ok today"), telling Charlotte (who has Dimentia) in 47 "wonderful" when she tells me she pooped. calling maintenance to let them know that Hannah in room 504 locked herself out again....and the list goes on. my job keeps me wonderfully busy, but also provides me with ample facebook time. however, the one task that i really do NOT like is the VISIONLINK EMERGENCY CALL SYSTEM check.

every resident has 2 buttons in their apartment. one is a button to call a nurse if they've had an emergency. the other is one they have to push every morning before 10:30 am to let me know they are OK (or....in other words...alive). if they don't push their button before 10:30 am, it registers in my computer and then i print out "The List." "The List" gives me a full report on who did NOT check in that morning. it is my job to call everyone on the list and see if they're OK...sometimes they forget to push their button...sometimes they're out shopping...or...sometimes....they're dead. my heart sort of starts to beat faster when i have to call the ones on "The List" because i just really really really want them to answer. but if they don't, i have to call the nurse so she can go check on the person.

now there are the regular List People. they forget every single day. for instance, Bill in 328 claims he doesn't check in on purpose because he just wants to hear my voice every morning, Margie May in 432 is always down here playing the piano, Mrs. Piper in 435 just lost her husband who was the one that always pushed the button, Del in 501 who says EVERYDAY, "did i forget to check in again?" to which i say, "yes honey, but i'm just glad you're ok." he yells, "how CARELESS of me, i will correct my ways!!" Mrs. Iunker in 502 doesn't know a call button from a banana, and Dr. Brink in 515, the tiniest woman you'll ever see in life, always tells me, "i was just getting in the shower! but thank you dear, i am fine."

so you see, when i call these List People, i am never worried. i just assume it's their daily forgetfulness and actually look forward to chatting with them on the phone. it's the ones like Mildred in 442, who is extremely stern and anal and very much routine about everything, who scare me. she was on my list this morning and i didn't want to call. because she ALWAYS checks in. because i don't want to find out she's left us. thank goodness she just answered the phone like this, "dammit i was sleeping, what do you want?" to which i smiled and breathed a sigh of relief and responded, "hello Mildred this is L from the front desk, i was just calling to check in on you this morning." and she hung up.

i have not yet called a dead person's apartment to see if they're "OK." but it's inevitable. the average age of the people who live here is 86. i love these people. even grumpy ol Mildred. i don't want them to pass away. when they do, it is just so sad. i do not want to be the person on the phone who is ringing and ringing while they are lying peacefully and dead in their beds. i just don't think it's right. until that day comes, my hands will continue to sweat and my heart will beat faster everytime i have to call the non-regulars who appear on "The List"

Sunday, January 4, 2009

decorating habits

it's unfortunately taken me a few days to get up off my depressed New Year's Eve Ass (no, i'm serious. someone pushed me down on NYE and i had trouble getting up). the night consisted of, but is by no means limited to: awk run-ins with previous hook-ups, lost debit/ID card (AGAIN with the ID card...what is this reoccuring thing with the ID card?), moments of unnecessary and sheer panic caused involving lost friends, sobbing and a policeman; a stolen peacoat (LJ), a lost wedding ring and guacamole (KITKAT), and a closed mountain pass that forced JJ and i to drive 9 hours home only to discver that we missed garbage day AGAIN (3rd week in a row), a stack of bills and a starved and thirst-ridden Chanel who literally screamed at me when i walked in the door. ultimately JJ and i vowed never to spend another NYE apart. we will stay where we belong: at home in our sweatpants drinking sparkling cider and in bed by 8 :-)

so forgive me for being occupied with other endeavors. i'm deeply sorry to have left you all hanging. and i'm having trouble concentrating because i am at work and one of the residents Margie May is playing "Home on the Range" on the piano. And you know you can't listen to a song like "Home on the Range" and not sing along.

ok finally she stopped. ANYWAY, i'm finding it difficult to symphathize with JJ on a particular issue. he thinks our house is "too girly and pink and flowery." even as i'm typing this, the words "girly and pink and flowery" make it sound like our house is cluttered with doilies and potpourri and porcelain dolls. and our house does NOT look like Margie May's apartment. we have one flowered couch and a FEW paintings and pictures of flowers. i may have a couple of framed black and white photos of Chanel (the cat not the designer), ballerinas, etc...but right in the living room hanging on the wall are two pictures of LA Dodger something or others. i allowed them because they are classy looking. but as the person who keeps the house looking prim and pristine, i feel as though it is my job to decorate as i please. and i have impeccable taste. i get it from my Mimi.

one day when we first moved in, i came home to find in a California Republic flag hanging in the hallway. i mean, it was cool and sexy and totally fine when it was hanging over his bed in college, but this is my HOME. i can't just have a California Republic flag hanging in my hallway. so i just stood there staring at it wondering how to broach the subject. but before i could even say a word he said, "i know. i just wanted to enjoy it for today." and i loved him for saying that.

so i felt bad and gave JJ the spare room to go nuts and gussy it up with his shit (and the closet because i selfishly stole the master one all for myself). in that spare room resides: a street sign that says "Dodgertown USA," 10 signed pictures of famous baseball players, a collection of hockey pucks, a Dodger folding chair sitting in the corner, various baseball caps clutternig the shabby chic desk, a Dodger fact-a-day calendar and an LA Kings Scarf pinned to the wall. but what does the bed look like you ask? on it lies my bedspread from college: a girly, pink AND flowery duvet.

afterall, a coupla flowers never killed a man.
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