Thursday, February 26, 2009

tale of two postmen

what a day i had. 

the save-the-dates for our wedding  were addressed and sealed and stamped and looking very chic and important, ready to be sent. the first half i took to the post office by my house. the postman was a very nice older man with gray hair and glasses. he smiled at me and said "congratulations!" and i just wanted to pinch his cheeks. (face cheeks not butt cheeks) it was perf. i handed him my save-the-dates and off they went in a lovely blue postal bag with the eagle printed on the side.

tra la la.

the next day i was rushing about getting errands finished, and i had to rent a rug doctor, so i went to the post office that was most convenient for the day. BIG. MISTAKE. i walked in the doors all happy and cheerful with my box of save-the-dates and stood in line next to a delightful little old man and his friend. the line was three miles long but i did not care. i was chatting with the little old man and his friend. turns out all the little old man's friend wanted was a stamp. and WA-LA! i had stamps in my save-the-date box, so i sold him one, and felt like my good deed for the day was done. the little old man's friend left, and so it was me and the little old man having a blast in the post office line. he was asking me about my wedding and i asked him about his. he was nice. then it was his turn. waiting waiting waiting in line. then FINALLY it was my turn.

i walked up to the desk and said, "i need to mail my save-the-dates! but i need to have them hand canceled because they have a dried flower on them." 

the terribly grumpy 35-year-old man with a reddish buzz-cut looked at me with frowning eyes and said, "why would you try to mail a dried flower?"

"they're save-the-dates for my wedding."

"well that's not good. and you don't have enough postage on them. and the return address needs to be on the front, not the back. they won't get there."

i was crushed. i said, "the man i talked to yesterday was really nice and said i had plenty of postage."

"well you don't."

"so you're telling me that my wedding guests will have to pay postage when they get my save-the-date?! SHIT!!!!!!! what do i do?"

he said, "i don't know" all impatiently. 

then he whips out these awful awful ten cent stamps for me to purchase and they have a picture of a pocketwatch on them. and he says, "here. buy these. the things (he referred to my beautiful save-the-dates as "the things") you're mailing out today will get there if you put these stamps on them."

tears welling up. i scowled at him and said loudly, "NEVERMIND. I WILL FIGURE IT OUT ALONE!" (what a stupid thing to say. i hate when i think of the perfect thing to say after it's too late. if i could go back i would say, "you know, you're a real ASSHOLE." that would have been totally gratifying) 

then i grabbed my save-the-date box and started to huff my way out but the little old man walks up to me and said, "it was nice to meet you dear, best of luck to you." and i smiled for a split second and waited for him to waddle out in front of me. then i whipped my head around to the horrible postman and gave him one last glare and whirled around to stomp out importantly and angrily. the line was now 6 miles long and everyone gracefully stepped out of my way. i shook my head and rolled my eyes for extra effect, to warn the others of the horrible postman. 

i felt pret-ty cool and confident when i walked to my car, knowing that there were eyes boring into my back like laserbeams. people were totally staring at me wondering why i was upset. i smiled thinking, "you handled that nicely self, except for your retort to the postman." then i remembered what i was wearing. it was not a BCBG pencil skirt and blouse with Jimmy Choos. i was wearing rainboots with shorts. and a parka. and my hair was Albert Einstein-ish. damn. it. all. to. hell.

so the next day i went back to the post office by my house and the lovely older gray-haired postman was there and said, "hello! got the other half of your save-the-dates?" and i said, "yes! it's me. thank you for knowing." then i said, "you know i went to the post office on grand blvd. yesterday and the guy was so mean to me. i would like to make a complaint." the lovely postman smiled and said, "i am so so sorry about that. do you remember his name? or what he looked like?" i described the horrible postman to him and he nodded his head knowingly. he knew exactly who the a-hole was and he said, "i do all the post office training in Washington and Idaho, thank you for letting me know. customer service is hard for some people. i am very sorry he was mean to you." 

and i said, "that's OK. i'm never going back to that place. you are quite lovely and my favorite i think. so i will keep coming here." and i handed him my second round of save-the-dates knowing they would arrive to my dear guests in a timely fashion. 

tra la la. i hope the horrible postman gets in trouble. 

Saturday, February 21, 2009

merry marriage

Catholic Marriage Preparation Class.

8 couples. monday nights. 6:30-8:30.

status: session completed.

overview: perpetual embarrassment.

first day of class: teacher says "welcome." i say welcome back. very awk, as mentioned in a previous blog.

200 question "test." taken the first day. question #34: agree disagree or undecided. "i feel embarrassed or ashamed at the prospect of my future spouse seeing me naked." i died laughing. no one else did. except for JJ and he was in the other room.

50+ teacher with bad haircut: "when i say 'i love you,' i use different contexts each time. for instance, i will say 'i love you' when he does something nice, or when i'm feeling passionate, or when i'm feeling sad. and i say it differently when i want his body." DIED laughing. tried to hold it in. tears. JJ nudged me very hard with elbow.

when discussing "alone time" and "personal space" i say: "in europe they are terrible with personal space. they get all up in yer grrriilllll." stares from classmates. lean over to JJ and whisper, "did i just say 'grill?'" JJ: "yes. yes you did."

during parenting session, talking about "a woman's cycle" and childbirth and how that differentiates her emotional experiences from a man's: JJ pocket calls my sister MM. MM screams "HELLO!? HEELLLOOOO?!?!?!?!?!? hello? HELL-O?! HHHEEELLLOOO?!?!?!?!?" everyone looks around to see where the noise is coming from. even JJ. i lean over to him and say "that is MM screaming from your pants. please reach into your pocket and push the end button."

when discussing finances: "i never went grocery shopping in college. i spent all my money on clothes." horrified collective gasp from classmates. "well now i have to grocery shop obviously because i have to feed him." JJ rolls eyes.

when discussing finances part deux: "i got great financial advice from that dave ramsey guy's book...you know the one?" no one knew. "well that, and the shopaholic books...has anyone read shopaholic books?" stares. no one knew those either. snobby law student girl with bad jeans says "the movie looks OK." the movie was effing fabulous. mental bitch slap to her.

when discussing one-on-one with teacher, comparing "test" answers. i get the dumb fiance who is one bubble off on half the questions. so teacher looks at me very seriously and says, "i am very concerned with question #57. JJ put 'i agree' on 'i am worried about my future spouse's addiction to drugs." there were no words. red with embarrassment/anger as JJ turns to me and says in a jovial tone, "come on L lay off the cocaine!!" silence. cough. silence. mental bitch slap to him.

question #104: "i am often frightened by my future spouse." JJ of course put "i agree." for the love of mary and joseph. "thanks JJ. first i'm a drug addict now i beat you." teacher stares. mental bitch slap #2 to him.

Questions #110-140: religion. "we aren't very religious." teacher: "you really need to work on allowing God into your relationship." hated us for the last 30 minutes of session. tells JJ he should be a ministry leader to help his faith.

teacher on my future career: "i think you should be a professional closet organizer." (WTF?!) mental bitch slap to her.

final verdict from the teacher: since JJ and is an absolute idiot: "i sense volatility here." (dictionary.com: "volatile: tending or threatening to break out into open violence; explosive." YA THINK? i want to kick JJ in the nuts at this point for screwing up the Catholic Marriage bubbled "test") teacher: "but i think you two will be fine." fine? thanks, asshole. mental bitch slap #2 to her.

i don't care what she says. she hasn't had a TV is 30 years. she is stupid. i love JJ and we will live happily ever after.

Monday, February 16, 2009

karmaaaaaaaa

god damn karma. serouisly.

for young alum slum weekend, i called in sick to work part day saturday and all day sunday. and i felt kinda bad, but not really. since Crazylegs flew across the country to see me. that, and if you leave her alone for more than 4 hours, she becomes The Destroyer. (she's extremely messy)

anyway, after i called in sick last saturday, i got home and had rrhea. then i lost my voice. (which i totally don't mind because i think it makes me sounds so sultry and sexy...completely opposite of my usual high-pitched and rather annoying minnie mouse voice) and i started to feel a bit guilty bones about calling in sick to work.

THEN just yesterday i was driving to work at 7:15 am. just minding my own business and feeling just a tad tired and not looking forward to actually working, but taylor swift was on the radio so i was fairly content...then i got this terrible terrible feeling in my stomach and i had to slam my breaks ON THE FREEWAY so i could open my door to puke. i puked green boogery, flemmy snot. which after i looked at it, made me feel even more sick, which made me gag gag gag then dry heave. in general, after i puke (when i'm sober) i get a very sad feeling and i start to cry. i think because it scares me a little. like one minute you're happy as a clam the next you're hunched over barfing. anyway, so i called JJ with a clammy, tear-streaked face and he was sleeping and he said, "WHAT LACIE?! I'M SLEEPING!!" and i said, "h-h-h-iiiii j-j-j-jJJ, i just p-p-pa-uked gareeeennnn s-s-s-snottttt. wahhhhhhh!!!" and then i think he felt bad for yelling at me because he said, "oh baby i'm so sorry what can i do?" and i said, "i d-d-d-on't knowww...n-n-n-n-othingg. i have t-t-t-o wooorrrkkkkk. wahhhh!!" you know what i mean though? you get all whiney and sad and throw a pity-party for yourself.

i got to work and dried my eyes. only to sit down at my desk and have the green snot flem puke rise in my throat again. so i had to lean between my knees under my desk and puke the snotty green flem into the garbage can. then i just sat under my desk for a little bit so that i could cry for just a little bit without anyone seeing me.

turns out that i have the beginnings of a sinus infection. great. after work i went home and pounded some airborne. then i thought to myself..."self, you deserve this. you called in sick when you weren't sick and now you're sick. you stupid stupid self."

then i woke up this morning at 5:30 with a balloon head and a full snot nose. pounded some more airborne. felt guilty again for lying to my place of employment. then pounded some more airborne. then ate banana bread. then fed the animals. airborne. then yelled at JJ to get his ass out of bed. then walked out to the garage to go to work.

and.
there.
are.
FOUR.
WILD.
TURKEYS.
inmygarage.

WILD TURKEYS!!!!! this karma is getting just plain weird now.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

love/hate VDAY

in high school i had a boyfriend dump me a few days before VDAY and i wore black to school just so he would see me in it. but it's my sister CA's birthday on VDAY! but i hate boxes of chocolates. but i watch the real lame kay jewlers commercials and find myself smiling a very cheek-hurting smile when i watch them. . . .but why do couples have to wait until VDAY to appreciate eachother? that makes me mad. but i love pink. and hearts. and sparkles. and i love that i get to wear my knee-high pink suede boots today. and i have a fiance. but then again valentines day effing sux. and here's why:

JJ and i both have to work today. and he doesn't get home until 10. and we decided that we weren't going to do anything crazy for VDAY, just write love letters. but now that i'm at work and all the oldies are getting glorious bouquets that arrive at my desk, i'm quite jealous. and sad. and annoyed. yesterday we got a package from my mom with VDAY PJ's and fat (candy). so when i get home from work i will probably do the cliche single girl thing: eat the fat (candy) in my VDAY PJ's and watch bridget jones 1 AND 2. but i'm engaged. i should be just like every other couple: waiting miserably for 2 hours at the Outback Steakhouse just to get a shitty limp salad. (note: we DID go out to dinner last night for Nebular's birthday. Rah and i were determined to stay "normal" and get Nebular to loosen his bhole and have a little fun. what happens? we go to a Japansese steakhouse and have Japanese mai tais...then end up at a bar. and i lean over the counter and say to the bartender "make me something spicy!" then i winked at him and JJ hit me. then Rah and i have a photoshoot in the backseat of Nebular's car and it's in bed by 11:45.) it wasn't a VDAY dinner per se, but good enough.

VDAY is overrated. and the people who say it's overrated are the people who are mad because they're at work and all the beautiful flowers are arriving at their desk, and none are for them. the people who get weekend getaways and diamonds (ahem. my sister M) love VDAY.

but i love JJ. that's what matters. i love him so much that i woke up and took a huge rocket-shaped poop and wanted him to look at it. but he refused. so i left it there. and i got a text at work "you are so disgusting." tee hee.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

young alum slums


stupid Crazylegs missed her flight. so she got here about 15 hours late. idiot. when i went to pick her up from the airport i got all sweaty and excited because i hadn't seen her since our 5 week eurotrip this summer. (picture it: last stop: london. and at this point we were truly annoyed with eachother. at our wits end. out of cash. out of clean clothes. out of patience. out of hope. my flight left before hers and i woke up, packed my one backpack and said "SEE YA LATER") when i saw her walk out of the airport on friday i jumped out of the car screaming and ran to hug her. it was like a slow-mo scene and she dropped her bags and ran to me. it was quite romantic really. we just screamed and teared up at the corners of our eyes, etc. it was like she just got back from the war. and i was her wife. then we stared at eachother in the car the whole ride home.

FRIDAY: Crazylegs Rah and i went to a party that night. the kind of party we would have gone to in college with all of the people we used to hang out with. and we pulled up to the house where the party was and kind of panicked. we remembered how annoyed we got whenever we saw alumni last year ("GET OUT OF HERE OLDIES!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! GET OUT! THIS IS A COLLEGE PARTY/BAR JUST LEAVE!!!") we didn't want to be "those alumni" that we hated. so we sat in the car with the doors locked and turned off the lights. we were being very inconspicuous and quiet. slowly, more cars (presumably more alumni) pulled up and followed our lead. (lights off, silence, questioning whether or not they should realllly go in or not) we were doing a good job of hiding then Crazylegs suddenly had to go to the bathroom. so she reached for the door just as i screamed "NO!!!" and the alarm on my car went off. she outed us in front of all the other alumni. so we got out with blushed cheeks and hanged heads and shuffled towards the party.

when we got in we felt glorious. all important and cool. people we knew and loved came up to us and hugged us and told us how great it was to see us. we felt totally legit.

SATURDAY: game night. go zags. but first: something you should know about me. i am a very independent person who can make her own choices and decide for herself..except...when it comes to ordering drinks. i just can't do it. there are about a million to pick from. but i can never think of a cool one. so usually i just order my go-to drink: amaretto sour. its tangy and delish and a good color. but before i discovered my go-to drink i would just order what everybody else got. i would be a total copycat. then the first time i used a fake ID (sorry ma...but it was only 2 months before my 21st birthday) i was the first in line to order so i couldn't copy. and i froze. FROZE. ...and ordered a strawberry daqueri. a STUPID DAQUERI. i am so lame. who orders a strawberry daqueri in a bar? it's all fruity and has whip cream on the top and you look like a total fool when you get it. so back to Sat. night. at Jack and Dan's (the Most Popular College Bar), there's a drink called a Frank's Special. it tastes like strawberry lemonade. but you can only get it at THAT bar. i didn't know that. so Crazylegs Rah and i go to a different place downtown to watch the game and i walk up to the bar all suave and confident and cheeky...and i say "hmmm...i think i'll have a Frank's Special." the beermaid just stared at me and said, "who's Frank?" then my bitch friend Crazylegs screams, "L ya can't order a Frank's Special at any ol bar you STUPID!!!!" i'm an imbecile.

we had fun both nights and made unforgettable memories. we spent sunday never leaving the couch except to go eat and poop. our favorite thing to scream to the college kids in the bars? "ENJOY YOUR YOUTH! BEFORE YOU KNOW IT....IT'S GONE!!!" then we got all weepy about how we are in "the real world."

now Crazylegs has gone back to NY and everything is back to boring normal. all she left behind was a dirty pair of underwear.

some things never change.


Thursday, February 5, 2009

adventures of dirty girl & rat dog


today Crazylegs comes. i'm going a little nuts in preparation. so i put on my Fave Outfit of All Time (SHS swim team pants and 8th grade t-shirt that reads..."the few. the proud. the DC bound." obviously with no bra or makeup) and headed to the grocery store to pick up a bunch of junk food. and on the way to the grocery store i thought "my, i think i will get a car wash today." (last time i got my car washed was july when my mom paid for it...and the only reason i got one today was because my dirty dirty car was getting my clothes all dirty dirty) it was early. like 8:30 am. i was happily one of the 6 people in the store so i was in and out lickety split. 

then it was off to the carwash. i pulled up, held one finger out and said to the guy "hello sir, one regular wash please." then i smiled and pulled forward. he said "OK. go ahead....but...ma'am! MA'AM! your windowwwww....." the next thing i know water is rushing into my effing car and i half expected Shamu to stop by. cleo and i are dripping. she starts shivering. when we're done i say to the man "i...i....i'm just out of it this morning." the man says, "free of charge. go drink some coffee." when i got home and looked in the mirror. i had dirt splatters all over my face. perfect. just perfect.

then Cleopatra had an appointment with the groomer. i said, "just a small puppy trim please." and she comes out as a rat with hideous BABY BLUE ribbons on her ears. she looks anorexic. her head is 3 times the size of her body. THEY SHAVED MY DOG. i just grabbed her and left. never. ever. going. back. now i'm sitting at home just staring at her. it's hard to love an ugly dog. but she loved me this morning when i was ugly with dirt splatters on my face. 
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