Monday, March 30, 2009

the no theme blog

no theme. just a collection of today's thoughts/annoyances.

The Poop Nazi is in an exceptionally nasty mood today. she must have had trouble taming her mullet this morning. it's hard to be a receptionist. everyone thinks you're dumb. i told my mom how rude Poop Nazi was being and she said, "kill the biotch with kindness." sound advice.

i had weeeeird dreams last night.

1. i was 8 months pregnant in a bar taking shots. and i was rubbing my belly and it felt really big in my dream which makes me wonder if i really was rubbing my real belly in my sleep. which appalls me because does that mean my belly is big?

2. i was on an airplane with britney spears. the top of the plane flew off and we had a crash landing on an LA freeway. the plane sort of just convertible-rode it on the freeway. we (me and brit) just put on our sunglasses and let the wind flow through our hair. we quite enjoyed the ride.

3. the entire town of Selah was riding a bus and passing around a blunt. the mayor was wearing a bob marley wig. (JJ and i have been watching Showtime's "Weeds" lately...)

4. Cleo jumped off the bed to poop. oh wait, that was real.

Last week we got a giant package that was as tall as my waist. i found out that my grandma and aunt had bought my wedding shower gifts and accidentally sent them to me. well obviously i wasn't going to open it. i was going to take it back home with me next week. well, JJ and i went on Little Date Night (dinner and a movie) and forgot to give Cleo a bone to gnarl on while we were gone........she loves cardboard though........and chewed a tiny hole right through our wedding gift box. what did i see? the unmistakable "K" in Kitchenaid. SWEET! but, it wasn't my fault! Cleo opened it, not me or JJ! now i don't want to take it back. i want to open it and use it. you know, like actually bake something.

just an hour ago i went to and found the cutest ever one piece black swimsuit with a super ruffly shoulder strap. it was roughly 200 dollars. i realllly want it. but no cigar. sometimes you just gotta say no. so i went to and somehow spent roughly 200 dollars on 5 swimsuits. i got more bang for my buck, yet i still spent 200 dollars. hopefully about 3 of them will be ugly and i'll return them and get my money back. maybe. just maybe.

also, i have a cyclops zit. thanks, God.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

facelifts AND facebook


"your mother got a tattoo," (of a hibiscus in hawaii) i texted my mom.

"appalling. don't worry, YOUR mother will never get one," she texted back.


"your mother has facebook," i texted my mom.

"holy crap! tell her to keep it ladylike" she texted back.

"what's next, a vagina piercing?" i texted my mom.

"ew," she texted back.

my Mimi is an extraordinary woman. she says things like "Heavens to Mergitrude" and "Good God Golly What a Gas." she calls eggs cackleberries, and puts her grandchildren in timeout in front of the refrigerator. she has a million stories of her childhood included but not limited to: her grandmother getting kidnapped by gypsies and an encounter she and her sister had with a whale in the Puget Sound. she reads The New Yorker cover to cover every week, retaining information at a incredible rate. she was a successful lawyer, and (still is) a magnificent exaggerator. she had breast cancer and beat it, and showed one of my boyfriends her tattoed 3D nipple (not to be confsued with the new tattoo) after a few too many glasses of red wine. she says what she thinks all the time, and she's not afraid to hurt people's feelings. she took me on my frist trip to disneyland, drank my first first mai tai with me (that's the night the picture above was taken), and she bought me my first ipod. she had "some work done" and when we asked what all the bandages around her head were for, she told us she had a toothache. she loves collecting beach glass, and idolizes martha stewart ("honestly when she got out of jail, she never looked better. she was thinner and her hair looked divine!") one time in costco i asked her if she would buy me a backpack for school and she said "hell no, you'll buy it with your own money." (i was a freshman in high school.) i went to a garden party with her when i was 16 and she put me in an all-denim tube dress and introduced me to her friends as, "this is my granddaughter, she's a size 0 can you believe it?" the next time she wanted to take me to a party, she bought me a dress without knowing if it would fit me. it didn't. so she took my sister (in the dress) instead. (i had very hurt feelings and i cried). she named her white standard poodle J.D. (for Jack Daniels) and named her cat Popoki (Hawaiian for "cat"). she makes up a song for every situation, and she wears flip flops 365 days a year even though she lives in the Pacific Northwest. she once bought me a yellow Fubu sweater oblivious to the dangers a skinny white girl would face in gang-ridden Yakima if she actually wore it in public. she sleeps with orange earplugs in her head every night next to Papa in his whitie-tighties. she spends a third of her life in Hawaii, and half of her life golfing. she is hilarious, smart, mean and crazy. she is a conspirator.

so can you see why i wasn't surprised to see a picture message on my blackberry of my 71-year-old grandmother's foot adorned with a fiery red and orange hibiscus flower tattoo? or to see that she was on facebook? this isn't normal. many of the residents at my place of work are her age and don't know how to play solitaire on the computer, let alone how to add their grandchildren as friends on online networking websites. she is a special kind of breed. one who loves Ed Hardy clothes and feeding peanuts to the birds.

why are some of the 65+ crowd able to stay up on the latest trends? does doing things like getting a tattoo of a hibiscus and joining facebook make one feel younger? or does it simply mean they are keeping up with times? i am allowed to have a blog and to be on facebook, and to have a tattoo. i can wear knee-high boots and miniskirts. why can't she?

kudos, Mims. i love you.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

the party that wasn't

i was reminiscing about college (as i often do) and came across this picture. oh, 4th of July 07. everytime i think of 4th of July 07 i blush.

you see, i lived with six girls in a big blue house, right across from the school, in prime party location. or so we thought. we decided to throw an epic 4th of July party. we sent out invitations (with a picture of our school's president holding a sparkler) on facebook and everything. we checked hourly to see if people had replied "yes i will attend" or "no."

we bought a kiddie pool from shopko and filled it with 30 bombs and ice. we went shopping for red, white and blue outfits. we cleaned the house. we cleaned ourselves. we pruned the greenery. ok we didn't really prune the greenery, but you get the idea. we were more than ready for this partay.

it was supposed to start at 4 PM. it was around this time that we realized there were other 4th of July parties, including the biggest one of all. it was in a cabin. on a lake. oh damn. so we just pretended like we changed the time to 10 PM, thought the spokane stragglers would wander in. so all of my roommates leave to get dinner except me and Crazylegs. it was our job to be on the lookout for any earlybirds. well Crazylegs had to shower, and i wasn't about to be the sole host of a stupid 4th of July party, so i locked the bathroom door and i sat on the toilet while she showered.


panic. attack.

3 boys looking into our windows. Crazylegs and i didn't know what to do. she had just gotten out of the shower and had wet hair. no wayyyy i'm answering the door to the empty house where a party was supposed to be. so we huddled together in the bathroom and waited for them to leave, all the while shaking our heads at our foolishness.

we were so embarrassed and so pissed off. we just wanted our first party to be big and beautiful.

it wasn't until about 11 PM when everybody had drank all the beer at all the other parties, that they decided to meander in to ol Big Blue.

we are thinking it's OK since people did show up, even if at the end. then people start sniffing. and turning their noses and making faces. there is a horrid rotten unmistakable smell in the air: dog poo.


it wasn't until the next morning when i was bagging the empty cans when it hit me: maybe, just maybe, we just weren't as cool as we thought.

(DISCLAIMER: we threw about 4 more parties that year, each ending in success)

Monday, March 23, 2009


ya know i'm up to my ribs in annoyance. seems i can't have a normal day. it's time i submitted some of my misfortunate events to check it out. 

today i took a shower and wore my hair in a crazy sort of way...kinda curly/kinky. and do you know what Bernie (German retirement community resident) says to me? "what have you done weefth youwr haiwr?" i said, "Bernie i'm wearing it differently today." "well to be honest, it doesn't look good." "i, uh, was running late this moring." "well to be honest i like eet bettewr zhe otha way." 


i had to interrupt the CEO of the retirement community's executive meeting today to tell him that someone was going to be late. he just stared at my hands. so did everyone else. i was holding my GOD DAMN HELLO KITTY LUNCHBOX. 

i took Cleo with me to nanny today and she went outside and tripped and fell into a pile of poop, getting it all over her chest, and came inside schmearing it all over my employer's house. 

also, i met with the florist. she didn't suggest weeds, however:

she was 40 minutes late and never apologized

she said putting our initials in rhinestones on top of the cake would look GORGEOUS

she told me i should get my flower girl a stuffed bear and put a flower necklace on it

she said fake limes in a vase was a popular choice

she actually said she would put "cascading curling ribbons" on my bridesmaids' bouquets. 

she spelled "bouquet" bowkay.

i won't be seeing her again.

i'm very frustrated but i'm also reading a book that describes a girl with no arms. she has it way worse than me. i am thankful for my arms. 


Sunday, March 22, 2009

this really steams my clams...

first, i have to admit something terribly embarrassing. i babysat 11 kids yesterday (birth control to the maxx) and while we were making rubberband balls, i bent over to help a child, and yes, my jeans ripped. right down the middle of one thigh. and the children laughed. now, they were already destroyed denim, but it just made my thigh feel about the size of a Christmas Ham. so i called Crazylegs to tell her the story and she says, "well have you gotten fat?" thanks Crazylegs.

we have booked our honeymoon! a southern caribbean cruise. what a delight! i'll be stuck in a 10 by 10 room with JJ and his smelly self for seven nights! just kidding......kind of.

and here is something that really steams my clams: (term acquired by JJ. what an old man) you know when you have a favorite something? and you love it so much? then you get a slap in the face when you walk merrily into the store to replenish your stash, and you have such a good feeling like "wow, i can't wait to get a brand new one!" then you go to the place where it's usually at, and a huge rush of panic overcomes you when your product has been replaced by some new-fangled Hannah Montana something-or-other. then you stumble to the counter and ask where the hell your fave product is, and they salesperson is like, "sorry, we no longer carry that here." and you wonder why there is a reason for living.

why do all the good things disappear? it is so unjust. they want us to get attatched to their product, then when we do, they take the rug out from under us and discontinue the damn thing.

just a small collection of the things that are no longer:

1. Mary Key nail polish in classic red: 1.5 bottles left. well *#&% a duck. 2 coats is no longer a luxury i can afford.

2. grey lace Hollister tank: mine is hanging on by a thread. i've already knotted it 3 times on the right shoulder. what shall i do when it finally dies?

3. Bonnie Bell Eye Sugar (mocha-scented eyeshadow): what a little treat! you smell chocolate mocha all day long. just half the tube left. i've been saving it since high school.

4. The Original Wet Seal Tube Top: my white one is a liiiiittle greyish. but they now make them out of a cheap spandex-polyester blend. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!?!?!

5. VS Beauty Rush lip gloss in peach fizz: down to my last tube of it. use sparingly. (aka date nights)

6. The fuzzy chick stickers i got for Easter one year (circa 94): they were really cool!!!

7. black Champion hoodie from Target: zipper is now a green paperclip. i tried to buy a replacement last year but i was fooled! the imposter black hoodie had too short of arms and not enough stretch in the pockets.

8. Wet n' Wild sparkly powder: adds just the right amount of shimmer for a summer cheeky look. now you tell me why they would discontinue such a wonderful thing?

what kinds of wonderful things have been taken from YOU?


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

i am the rabbit.

NOTICE: due to some brain-fartage on my part, i want to personally and publicly apologize to RayJones and Momcat for not including them in the Nearest and Dearest post. i foolishly and remorsefully overlooked two of my favorite people. please accept my deepest and most sincere expressions of regret. and re-read the My Nearest and Dearest post.

last night (st. pat's) was disgustingly lame. there is no luck of the irish. i am not lucky. someone once said, "depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't work out for the rabbit." i am the rabbit. i end up with my foot cut off without even knowing what happened. the next thing i know, i'm hobbling around on 3 feet while someone's got my fourth appendage dyed hot pink and dangling from their keyring. 

first of all, no drinking holiday is ever the same after college. second of all, my fiance can't drink. so JJ, Rah, Nebular and i walked into the bar and stayed for 3 minutes. JJ (hood on) and Nebular walked straight to the back. Rah and i went to the bar counter, unbeknownst to us that there was actually a line. plus when we got to the front i realized that i only have 5 dollars in my bank account and drinks are 7 dollars. Rah found herself in a similar situation. so we turned to walk to the back to find JJ and Nebular. but not without the occasional fat girl in line muttering/halfway unconfidently yelling, "yeah, that's what i thought" or "yeah, you better get in the back of the line," as we passed. once we found the boys we left. what a waste of a perfectly good outfit. (i.e. black skinny jeans, green tank with exposed zipper in the back, black BCBG motorcycle riding boots and faux cheetah fur shrug)

when we got outside i yelled "I HATE ST. PATRICK'S DAY." and JJ scolded me for being embarrassing/too loud. then i found a band-aid (not my own) stuck to my boot. &#$%

then we went to baskin & robbins. 31 flavors. and i complained the whole time in the car. and since it's past 5 pm i can't have any dairy products. so i have to get the only thing on the menu not containing milk. i was as grumpy as a rhino. and wasn't afraid to show it.

this morning involved JJ reminding me of my rude behavior and 2 apology texts to Rah and Nebular for being a butt. i woke up at 10:45 craving a doughnut, but remembering my bank account, i cursed and made pancakes instead. 

tomorrow i am waking up early and driving to meet with the florist. with the luck i'm having she'll suggest weeds for my wedding bouquet. 

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Poop Nazi

happy st. pat! boy the 75+ crowd sure love to pinch! last st. pat's day was right after spring break. the snow had just melted the day before. Crazylegs, The Black Dahlia and i found a candy cane. what a little treat! but that seems to be happening this year too. as the snow melts, Spokane residents are finding their lawn reindeer and blow up snowmen. it's quite funny really. like a little bit o christmas in the spring.

i generally hate the color green, so last year i had nothing to wear besides solid kelly green sweat pants. and i wore them. all day and all night. even to the bar! and you know what? it was great because i just got home and went to bed. i was already in my pajamas!

but this blog isn't about st. pat's day. no, no it isn't. it's about something much more seroius and important. it's about The Poop Nazi at work.

when i drink coffee in the morning, i gotta go at 8. at 8 on the dot. and i go to my safe haven bathroom down the hall that no one else goes to. and it's fine. i'm away from my desk for approximately 3 minutes. not a big deal. well the other day i came out of the bathroom and the CEO's executive assistant (aka The Poop Nazi) is standing at my desk. looking at me very seroiusly. she said, "you need to tell someone when you're going to leave your desk." i said, "i just went to the bathroom. i was gone only 3 minutes." she said, "you can't leave the desk." and i said, "well what should i do when i have to go to the bathroom?" pause. SIGH. huff. eye roll. bigger SIGH. "just call me, and i'll cover for you while you go."

yesterday i called The Poop Nazi at 7:59 and said, "hi, i have to go to the bathroom." huff. SIGH. eye roll (i'm assuming) "ok, i'll be out in a minute." LADY I DON'T HAVE A MINUTE I GOTTA TAKE A COFFEE DUMP. "ok, thank you." when she got to my desk at 8:07, i did the funky "i gotta poo" dance/walk all the way to the bathroom. and instead of taking 3 minutes, i took my sweet ass time. i sat, and i did my business, and i pulled the toilet paper out of the dispenser and i folded it nicely and neatly. and i washed my hands twice. and i fixed my hair. and i blew my nose. so i had to wash my hands again. then i straightened my clothes and i laughed at myself in the mirror and said, "you clever little monkey" and sauntered back to my desk, even stopping to chat with Harry, Ed, Ladd and Bill. (these old men gossip like a bunch of geese). anyway, i got back to my desk, smiled sweetly and said," thank you." she just huffed and puffed and went back to her desk.

"thats right," i though to myself, "you don't mess with poop."

Sunday, March 15, 2009

fatal. mistake.

this morning i realized we were out of mayonnaise. i cursed under my breath and looked around the kitchen. i mean, what the hell am i supposed to pack for lunch if i can't make a cheese mustard and extra mayo sandwich? i finally copied KitKat's favorite and packed tomatoes and cottage cheese.

well 9:30 rolls around and my stomach is a growlin'. so i eat my tomatoes and cottage cheese which did not even phase my hunger. so i ate my applesauce too. i thought, "this is fine! i'll just have TBell for lunch!" then i remembered that JJ and i made a promise to God and gave up fast food For Lent. well, shit.

my options are:
1. stale popcorn downstairs at work. from tuesday.
2. break my promise to JJ and God
3. eat in the employee breakroom.

i. regrettably. chose. option. 3.

i walzted into the kitched and got: 1 crabcake, 1 scoop of garlic mashed potatoes, 1 spoonful of mixed vegetables, 1 roll, and 1 dessert.

the crabcake was imitation crab
the mashed potatoes were cold-ish
the mixed vegetables were oversteamed and totally limp
the roll was butterless
and the dessert was a maplebar brownie that was disgusting and sugar-free (for the oldies with diabetes)
and there was nothing to drink but 2 percent milk. bulhgghh

and who do you think sat next to me? a housekeeper who looks a bit like she just escaped from prison. in a navy blue jumpsuit and wet hair combed back, and big tinted glasses. while i was poking at my crabcake (which i am still burping up), she starts telling me about how she donates plasma twice a week for money. then she shows me her built-up scar tissue in her crook. i couldn't even finish my sugar-free maplebar brownie. then she gets up, puts on her jacket that says "SPOKANE TRUCK RALLEY 05" and says, "well...see ya later, i gotta go smoke." i just sat there a bit traumatized. then i just sort of zombie stumbled my plate and fork back into the kitchen. then the French chef Y. Droogsman with checkered pants yelled at me to "geet out of my keetchen weeth thee dirtee deeshes!!!" apparently there's a special spot to deposit them.

never again.

it's just one of those days...

that a girl goes through! yeahhh bringin back the 90s music. no but really. it was one of those days...

i woke up on friday feeling annoyed. just in a terrible mood. and of course Chanel was hungry so she paced around my bed until i got up to feed her. and she got all tangled in my feet (plus balance in the morning isn't quiiiite up to par) so i tripped over her royal fatness and fell. then screamed at her. all this commotion woke Cleopatra up, and while i was gathering my bearings again, the little shit jumped off the bed and just peed. right on the carpet. and with no shame. and i could hear it. the pee hitting the carpet. ARRGHHHHH so i threw her outside, fed Chanel, and went back to bed. i just wasn't ready for the world yet. my pets already destroyed my morning.

after regis and kelly i finally decided to try and get up again. truthfully i felt a bit rejuvenated and felt pretty good. kelly clarkston was the guest and she got as fat as a whale, and i'm still skinny. so i looked both ways (no Chanel in sight this thime) and popped out of bed. i wiggled into some "exercise clothes" and texted JJ: "where is a good place to walk a dog?" and he told me to go up this hill by our house, which led me to a housing development. so i texted him again: "you want me to walk the dog in a housing development that we don't live in? you are SO STUPID nevermind i should have googled it." and then i just screamed in agitation because when i was trying to type in "googled," my phone kept saying "foogled." which for some reason realllly set me off that morning.

so i turned my car around and we drove to a trail. we got out and started walking. "this is nice" i thought to myself, then Cleo stops, sniffs and garbles up a piece of white goose poop. dammmmmmmittttttt CLEOOOOOO!!!!!

we had a pleasant little jaunt about Spokane, then went home for a nap. when we woke up i had to go to work for a couple of hours. then the kids ditched me to hang out with their neighbor and his babysitter.

i decided to call my mom and complain about the economy and my lack of a stable career, then i needed a drink. so i called Rah (MNO!) and we went to a dirty bird bar and got a $7 pitcher of beer and complained about our lives for about an hour. ("well all i ever wanted was a backyard...then i'll be happy." gulp. "well all that i ever wanted was a career." gulp. sigh. gulp.) then we went to the hockey game. and JUST OUR LUCK it was Buck Night (as in hotdogs, popcorn and pop are all $1 a piece!!!) so we wait in the beer line (no Buck Night on Beer damn) and it's about 3 miles long. after we wait the 15 minutes to get to the front, the beermaid with 1 tooth (not an exaggeration) said, "it's all foam. sorry. try the next stand."

i couldn't even help but scream "I. HATE. SPOKANE." into Rah's ear. so about 3 hours later we finally get beer but OF COURSE THEY ARE OUT OF BUCK POPCORN at the stand. so we go to the next stand. the girl was chattering to her friend but i cut in and said, "yes, 2 Buck Popcorns and a peanut m&m please." she hands me the popcorn as i hand her hello kitty, and just as i am about to touch my tongue to that buttery salty goodness, she said, "oh sorry, we don't take anything but cash." i slowly slid my tongue back into my mouth, set the almost-damaged popcorn back onto the counter and made my eyes slanty at the girl. then i sighed and we went to our seats. by this time the second period is halfway over. BUT what do i find under my seat?! a glorious set of unopened, unused cheerstix! (you know, the long things you inflate and bang together?) so obviously Rah and i opened them and shared them and banged them on the glass and were having a jolly good time.

then 2 men (one tall and skinny, the other short and leprechaun-y) came and sat next to us. one says to the other, "where are my cheerstix?" i nudge Rah and we quietly set "our" cheerstix on the ground. then they look at us. but of course we pretend like we have no idea what they're talking about. we just look straight forward at the players' butts. then the Leprechaun gets all huffy and whispers something (probably mean) to Tall Skinny. then they storm off. MEN. such babies.

then back to the dirty bird bar for one nightcap. a fat married man asks me to buy him a drink. i mean, do i look like the kind of person who buys a fat married man a drink? no. idiot.

from start to finish it was just one of those days. like, just when i think things might be perking up, something else crap happens. so i said to myself before bed, "goodbye crap day. tomorrow is new." then i woke up with diarrhea.

Monday, March 9, 2009


is it weird that i shower with my dog? communal bathing! i am so totally green.

Rah and Nebular have their own business (check it out! they sell environmentally friendly cleaning products. their business combined with my extreme liberalism have inspired me to lead a greener life as a greener person. i am also reading "Wicked" the story of the wicked witch of the west in the Wizard of Oz, and clearly she really IS green. like, really her skin is green.

ways in which i am green:

1. i shower 2-3 times a week. and share my showers with the dog. thus saving water.

2. i use refreshening powder in Chanel's litterbox, thus preventing the waste of kitty litter. thus saving me money. thus saving the world from total kitty litter domination.

3. i don't wear bras. thus letting the girls fly free. thus saving material. thus saving third world children from sewing shitty VS undergarments.

4. i have a Ficus. (from 91-year-old plant man Larry at the retirement community). i learned in third grade that trees inhale carbon monoxide and turn it into the oxygen we breathe. which i don't really understand because trees don't have mouths or lungs. but anyway...thus our house is more oxygen-filled, thus all the more oxygen in the world.

5. i use only one plastic baggie to every 6 of Cleopatra's poopsies. you see, i only "flush her toilet" about once a week. (which is a small patch of grass outside our house. we got a note on our door yesterday from our landlord saying that she doesn't like seeing poopsies in our grass and we need to pick the poopsies up right when they come out of Cleopatra's bhole-io. however, i think it is wayyyy more green to flush the grass once a week...THUS saving plastic baggies, thus preventing them from sitting in a landfill someplace in Nevada).

6. i recycle all of my wine bottles. thus making me feel like drinking more wine is totally justified.

7. my wedding save-the-dates have real flowers on them. thus sharing the green-ness with my family and friendz. or that bad because i stole flowers from the earth just so i could have the best save-the-dates ever?

8. i use about 4 squares of TP every time i wipe (number 1 only...there is no limit to TP squares for a number's an unwritten rule). thus wasting less paper. thus saving the trees.

9. i went whale watching once. thus meaning i like whales. thus meaning i support the save the whales cause.

10. i have a fake Christmas tree. thus saving the real Christmas trees from being cut, decorated and admired only to be thrown out on January 3rd by nasty nasty humans.

11. my chapstick says "not tested on animals." thus saving poor innocent creatures from being poked and prodded for the sake of human beauty.

12. i have a hemp necklace. thus making me green because green people wear hemp.

13. i rarely shave my armpits or legs. thus making me more hippie-like.

14. i have a mary kay face mask that is literally green. thus making me green.


Friday, March 6, 2009


everyone everyone EVERYONE we know is in las vegas right now because it's the WCC basketball tournament. but we had to go to cali (JJ hates when i call it cali..."it's southern california") because he had an appointment with the pancreas doctor. all is well, he just can't drink alcohol still or eat fatty red meat (FINE WITH ME!!!) AND we had to wake up at 4 am to catch the plane and it was really terrible. but we got here and boy oh boy what fun.

in the airport i have a coffee and just when the lady on the intercom says, "bording all rows," i feel a growler. so i go to the bathroom while JJ is shaking his head at me. i said, "WHAT?! i can't control my plumbing." he is just OCD about being on time. i am not.

last night we went to the king's hockey game. his dad has season tickets and it's something we have to do everytime we go to JJ's house. the king's name is never optional. so naturally his mother and i drink wine before the game so we are pleasantly tipsy. while i was finishing my last glass at the restaurant, JJ suddenly grabs my arm and says, " have to poop and there's barf and pee on the toilets in this bathroom." "but i'm not yet finished with my wine!!!" i say. "i do not care. chug it and we gotta go." so i did. i chugged it. then he pulled my hand and we sprinted out of that door faster than a jaguar that belongs to a man with a mid-life crisis.

when we get to staples center (the ice arena) he bolts to the bathroom and i stand outside and wait (for like 4 hours). i'm just giggly because of the wine and i put my hands on my hips and lean backward and forward, stretching a little, looking this way and looking that way, just being leisurely and oblivious. and i look over at this older gentleman standing near the restrooms and he's laughing, trying to cover his mouth with his hand, and i'm like, hmm something must be funny so i look around. then. i. feel. a breeze. and i look down. my sweater buttons popped open and my boobs fell out. i look from my boobs to the man and back to my boobs. then i swiftly zip up my jacket and all i can do is laugh. i laugh and i laugh and i laugh. i sit on the floor for a moment and laugh some more. then when JJ gets out i tell him and he just shakes his head and grabs my hand and takes me to the souvenir shop to buy me a t-shirt. go kings.

then this afternoon we met our friend Tom in santa barbara for lunch and we are just strolling down the street and a scraggly looking man dressed in all black walks up to us and says quite frankly, "do you have fifty cents to spare? i need a shotgun and some PCP."

cali is great.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

my nearest and dearest

allllllllright. i have to tell everyone that i copied ol dirty ditsworth (Crazylegs) on this blog. but it was such a good idea...
in alphabetical order using the person's real, unidentified last name:

The Black Dahlia:
likes: the gym, sweatpants that say words across the butt, college sweatshirts, basketball, frank's diner, "daaahhrameee," screaming lyrics of the same songs over and over and over, snow days.
dislikes: when the members of Big Blue didn't do their chores, the Yankees, when people ask her to say, "park the car in the harvard yard" with her boston accent.
most embarrassing story: when she stepped in dog poop outside of a party then got it on her hand and couldn't find a bathroom.
favorite food: ultimate bagel.
glory moment: an experience with a statue.
something wonderful that i did for this person: solve all boy problems.
in 3 words: vociferous, jubliant, entertaining.

likes: sleeping in my bed, bleach blonde hair, fashion, woobie, wearing things that will attract (negative OR positive) attention, weird music, weird movies, weird art, putting cups of beer on her head to be "funny," traveling, black sparks.
dislikes: the word "weiner," beep-boops, when i dance naked, when there was kitty litter and poop in her gucci bag, the fact that her credit card limit could never be high enough, bugs (this girl can watch a movie called "suicide club" and not bat an eyelash, yet when a tiny weenie bug crawls, she names him and screams, "KILL JOEY NOW!!!" this is the weirdest thing in the world), and this girl hate hate HATES kitten heels. but loves kittens.
most embarrassing story: when she got arrested at safeway.
favorite food: cheez
glory moment: i dropped a 40 at a day party. i know, totally unacceptable right? well Crazylegs saved my face by dropping to the ground and gathering the booze in her hands in a very Jesus-like fashion, and drank it, licked her lips and said, "we wouldn't want to waste that." everyone cheered.
something wonderful i did for this person: took her to the doctor and held her hand while they sucked out the puss in her tonsils with a needle. i nearly passed out, but by GOD, i am a good friend.
in 3 words: insane, untamed, imperturbable.

likes: being a mom, running, biking, swimming, walking, hiking, doing anything active, being in her flannel "jammie-jams" with bunny-shaped clouds on them, playing cards on the computer.
dislikes: sitting longer than the time it takes to watch one movie, perfume, discount shopping, booze (will ONLY drink corona light with lime), when her daughters fight.
most embarrassing story: being the high school mascot.
favorite food: milano cookies.
glory moment: when i was born.
something wonderful i did for this person: bought her lip venom plumping gloss.
in 3 words: vigorous, resilient, contemplative.

likes: baseball (softball), having 4 daughters, the pastime tavern, golfing, waking up early, putting up christmas lights, Coors Light, cartoons, chick flick movies, taking naps with his fly undone, Jennifer Garner, farting.
dislikes: olives, people in the community who don't agree with building new sports facilities, any candy that is fruity/gummy, when anyone is mad at him,
most embarrassing story: i accidentally shaved his head the night before a big insurance convention. he thought he looked weird with a shaved head and bushy eyebrows, so he shaved them too.
favorite food: french dip sandwiches.
glory moment: all high school sports moments. the stories get better as he ages.
something wonderful i did for this person: pretended to like sports until i was a freshman in high school.
in 3 words: affable, riotous, resolute.

likes: volleyball, her boyfriend, pita pit, running, under armor, trashy TV, being mean, exercising, being busy, eating the entire edge of the hamburger and saving the very middle for last.
dislikes: uncleanliness, change, the police, mexican voldemort, books.
most embarrassing story: puffy po
favorite food: filet mignon.
glory moment: senior year state volleyball
something wonderful i did for this person: forced her to eat her boogers when we were little. hey, she had to try them sooner or later.
in 3 words: athletic, brooding, sensitive.

likes: music, God, harry potter, math, reading, sports bras, urban outfitters, worldly travels, serving others, mission work, stupid jokes, christmas, skiing.
dislikes: any kind of food she's never tried, mean people, moving quickly, making decisions, being Russ, yelling, birds.
most embarrassing story: in disneyland she had an accident in her shorts, so she had to buy and wear a pair of grey cotton elastic shorts with mickey mouse on them.
favorite food: ham.
glory moment: when volleyball ended/every time she gets back from a mission trip.
something wonderful i did for this person: gave her my old room, did the "funny dance" in the parking never gets old.
in 3 words: indecisive, delicate, kind.

likes: Lola666, volleyball, dancing, basketball, boys, softball, being bossy, inspirational quotes, loud music, clogging the toilet, eating.
dislikes: the nicknames M-dogg and Neil, sharing her bathroom, sleeping alone, people who break the rules, the beatles song "i wanna hold your hand."
most embarrassing story: when she asked what "masturbate" meant.
favorite food: pasta.
glory moment: when she got Lola.
something wonderful i did for this person: give her all my hand-me-downs.
in 3 words: spicy, dictatorial, inquisitive.

likes: hockey, good food, the sun, his truck, the history channel, annoying the cat, running/walking around at ALL times, saying stupid old person phrases like "steams my clams," and "hey gang!" the flower couch, cooking, two and a half men.
dislikes: when i have diarrhea, cleaning, his pancreas, shopping, drunk people, republicans, living in the northwest, being the center of attention.
most embarrassing story: when he sharted on the way to the doctors office and had to wipe with a D.A.R.E t-shirt./when his dad asked for his password to his account on the family was "vagina."
favorite food: literally anything.
glory moment: when i said yes.
something wonderful i did for this person: agreed to spend the rest of my life with him.
in 3 words: diffident, farcical, hurried.

likes: his ipod, the fe, his own personal extension of the college dream, TV, The Heartbeat, leaving the protective seal over new things for longer than need be (i.e. fridges, cellphones, watches, etc.), being in his underwear, face stubble, Forks Washington (not a Twilight fan, however...Forks is really his hometown), making nicknames for everyone he knows, a good bottle of rum, clothes, beer pong, stealing my heart necklace, getting out of bed 15 minutes before he has to be somewhere and actually getting there on time, talking.
dislikes: when i peel the protective seal over his new things, when people use his favorite t-shirt to wipe their ass with, the fugitive as his roommate, doing laundry, people who are stupid.
most embarrassing story: that time he dry shaved in the car on his way to work and got blood on his collar and bad cuts on his face.
favorite food: sophomore year: hotdogs.
glory moment: when, after a being separated from his friends during a rendezvous with the police, met back up with them randomly in the middle of a forest.
something wonderful i did for this person: gave him a Selah parks and recreation basketball tee.
in 3 words: radical, ruminative, prescient.

likes: being married, her family, her friends, champagne, being a teacher, cooking, shows on ABC, diesel and dagger (her cats), making things (i.e. bows, scrapbooks, arts & crafts of any kind really)
dislikes: large bodies of water, roly poly bugs, being embarrassed, picking the restaurant/movie/mall.
most embarrassing story: when i blamed a fart on her in 5th front of Josh Jacobs, the boy she liked.
favorite food: tomatoes and cottage cheese.
glory moment: her wedding/when she wiped the biggest greenest, reddest booger on her bunk at Camp Ghormley, then went back the next year only to find it still crusted and petrified in the same spot.
something wonderful i did for this person: became her friend.
in 3 words: phlegmatic, bashful, sweet.

likes: high school kids (she's a teacher), eating cheetos and licking her fingers only after she's eaten the very last one, alcohol, dancing to contemporary music, A-Rod, being cougar alumni, N*SYNC, crash diets, wet seal, running, Friends (the show....and her real friends), being organized, having a plan, cheez-it and mustard sandwiches.
dislikes: confrontation, cooking anything that wasn't frozen to start with, the Huskies, being called a geek, buying produce "it's a waste, i can never eat it in time."
most embarrassing story: fell off a dock. and it shocked her and she panicked so badly that she had to be rescued.
favorite food: hotdogs.
glory moment: anytime WSU wins anything.
something wonderful i did for this person: told her not to like Erich Holsten in 8th grade.
in 3 words: fastidious, maternalistic, solicitous.

likes: butterflies, collecting things, Lost, decorating her apartment according to the seasons, Seattle, being her alter-ego, bouncing, bunnies, her kitchenaid, UW, getting free drinks, her dad's workshop, Rick, Bun-Bun.
dislikes: any kind of domesticated animal, driving like a normal person, orange juice, bad boyfriends her friends have.
most embarrassing story: when she sewed her own thumb in the class entitled "Home and Family." had to get a tetanus shot and everything.
favorite food: cereal/chocolate covered gummi bears.
glory moment: while brushing her teeth in the car on the way to school, she spit out the window of the front seat and splattered the side of her mother's jeep with crest toothpaste foam.
something wonderful i did for this person: told her Chris was going to ask her out in 9th grade. well, i had to tell her, didn't i??
in 3 words: astute, loyal, circumspective.

likes: redneck behavior, huntin', being a republican/coug, meat, captain mo, Vegas, being a bitch, fast food for breakfast, Washington, Busch Light, immodium AD, pizza, southern accents.
dislikes: Arizona, the fact that law school is just like high school, sleeping in, talking about love, wheat, when people don't stand up for themselves.
most embarrassing story: answered door in college house at 8 am in her underwear...with ketchup on her face. and it was her landlord, wanting to show the house to potential residents.
favorite food: elk meat.
glory moment: her 21st birthday when she was dancing on the table in sparkly red shoes.
something wonderful i did for this person: make her laugh so hard she pees her pants. for reals.
in 3 words: officious, voluble, tenacious.

Juelz Santana:
likes: gin, Hannah Montana, being messy, the ding and dent center, forever21, music, instant messenger, watching movies over and over, tap dancing, procrastinating, the 80's.
dislikes: my pink-ness, showering with the door open, sharing her facebook password, jeans without back pockets.
most embarrassing story: when i caught her putting a frightful amount of mayonnaise on her sandwich.
favorite food: Arnie's pancakes.
glory moment: dance recitals in college.
something wonderful i did for this person: helped her discover her love for all things taylor swift.
in 3 words: silly, charitable, devoted.

likes: HAWAII, golf, the PX, the ocean, archibald sisters, Papa (sometimes), toddlers, Popoki (cat), Chewy (dog), JD (the dog ((RIP)) AND the whiskey), cooking, baking her buns in the Hawaiian sun, making up songs, Buzz's Mai Tais, playing freecell on the computer, arguing, exaggerating, her flip-flops with the metal beads in them.
dislikes: bad weather in Hawaii, when her golf game is not up to par (pun intended), Papa's snoring, Republicans, showing Papa her receipts from the PX.
most embarrassing story: when she sat on a chocolate on the plane, and stood up. it had looked like she shit her grey sweatpants.
favorite food: her own chicken curry with homemade cherry chutney.
glory moment: when she and Aunt Dot saw a whale in real life in the sound.
something wonderful i did for this person: followed suit to her personality in many ways.
in 3 words: jocular, eggheaded, bonkers

likes: a good deal, her dog Benny, spilling red wine...or any drink for that matter, the sea, sharks, gardening, her mini-laptop, lists, tulips, fluffy things, organizing, baths, her house, only buying books she's read and liked, fat free brownies, her persistent quest for Christian Louboutin look-alikes.
dislikes: needles, the "crook" (which is the place where your forearm and upper arm meet...the opposite side of one's elbow), gambling, her car.
most embarrassing story: that time she fell asleep eating pizza. she woke up the next morning, found a half-eaten piece in her armpit and finished it.
favorite food: fresh vegetables.
glory moment: whenever she gets an Anything Resume customer.
something wonderful i did for this person: lived with her sophomore year in college.
in 3 words: perspicacious, startling, facetious.

Monday, March 2, 2009

something old

when i was looking at bath towels, JJ took the gun and registered for a bathrobe for himself. i can't even talk about that right now.

today i had a canker sore the size of neptune on my gum where a wisdom tooth would be. i sucked on it, and it popped, and i accidentally swallowed the fluid. i lose.

a wonderful thing happened to me. my absolute favorite resident here is Dee in room 712. she is partially blind and comes down every morning to have me check her makeup. she says she trusts me to tell her the truth. and i'll never forget the story of when she switched her eyeliner and lipliner, ("those damn estee lauder pens all look and feel the same! especially when you're blind!") and ended up with red-framed eyes and some major-gothic black lips.

she spent the majority of her young adult years being a fabulous flight attendant, and when she decided to settle down and get married, she and her husband traveled everywhere, even stopping in Africa to live for a few years. Dee is quite fabulous, and has more than a few vintage Dior scarves, if you catch my drift.

about a month ago, Dee came down and asked about my wedding dress. i described it to her and she cut me off and said, "i'll be right back!" when she came down, she had the most beautiful mini hand-beaded purse with a rhinestone and crystal clasp. and it is the exact shade of my wedding dress. i about cried with happiness when she presented it to me. however, part of the retirement community's employee policy is that we are not allowed to accept gifts from the residents. i reminded her of this, and she said, "i know, but i have a plan."

there is a place in the basement called "the corner store" which is sort of like a goodwill for the retirement community. the residents can donate unwanted items, and they are put up for sale. i find neat little things there all the time. most recently i got a framed picture of a church on a hill, very adorable, for only 3 bucks! and just friday i bought a pair of tiny white leather gloves with a scalloped edge...2 dollars! a co-worker of mine bought a vera wang scarf for a buck last week, and one lucky employee even scored a floor length fur jacket for 25 dollars. i mean, this place is a jackpot.

so we executed Dee's plan: she met me at my desk for my break, then she took me and the purse down to the corner store, donated it, then i immediately bought it....this phenomenonally hand crafted one-of-a-kind vintage purse, was all mine for five dollars. five dollars! i thanked her profusely and she said, "well there's a story that goes along with that purse."

then she showed me an old picture of herself, her husband, and.....none other than Richard Nixon! she wore this wonderful little purse to Nixon's inauguration Ball! absolutely amazing. she was a personal flight attendant for the president on his private jet, and even more...she was friends with the Nixons, up until they passed away. she and Pat were penpals for many many years.

so my "something old" for the wedding is a purse that was worn to a presidential inauguration ball. i win!

Dee is obviously invited to my wedding.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

my plastic cat friend.

i've been busy. and by busy i mean i work every single day of the week, with no sleep-in days. this however, is OK because i have a bit o green to spend. Rah and i went to the mall, and bought a little thing here and a little thing there...everything under 10 dollars. and.....WHAT I AM ABOUT TO CONFESS, DEAR READER, IS SOMETHING I BEG OF YOU TO FORGIVE ME FOR. i went to rave. and bought....a.....pair.....of.....JEANS. i know. i know. but they really fit great and they were FIFTEEN dollars. that's unbelievable. and just when i am la-di-dah-ing my fab purchase, i get a text from my sister M. "going 2 hawaii to visit mimi"

so she gets free flights to hawaii from my parents while i have to buy fifteen dollar jeans from rave. huh.

so i thought to myself "self you really need a nice treat." and i may have been a bit overzealous when using my custom-designed bank of america sanrio hello kitty credit card. but i am happy that i bought: a flight to visit Sam in april in arizona, land of the cacti; and a flight to visit Crazylegs in may in NYC, land of our green lady. i think i saw hello kitty's smile turn into a frown after those purchases. but i just said, "hello kitty you shut up."

and also, because i am so busy, i rush about going a little nutty everywhere. last week was sooo jam packed, and i had exactly 3 hours to clean my house. so i power swept and power mopped and power litterboxed and power vacuumed. that last one got me into a bit o trouble. i was vacuuming with such speed and conviction (and it was truly exhilirating) that i lost control and it hit the washing machine. which made the vacuum stop cold. which made my crotch bone ram into the vacuum handle. i screamed at Cleo, because she was the only one home, and it was partially her fault because....well actually it wasn't her fault in the slightest, i just needed to blame my stupidity on someone. i was so annoyed that i had to leave the house. and so i grabbed hello kitty and bought a pot for my fichus.

last night when we were gone, Chanel the obese feline, climbed onto the fridge and pushed her container of food onto the ground. it broke, spilling the food, and Cleo ate it all. so now Cleo has dog diarrhea. am going to have to take hello kitty to petsmart for some more cat food. which is extremely annoying because all Cleo did was eat 9 dollars worth of cat food only to shit it out immediately.

and today, JJ and i are going registering for the wedding. all i want in life is versace china. but the dinner plate alone is 90 dollars. there are just some things that my hello kitty (or anyone else's CC for that matter...well, besides bill gates) cannot buy.
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