Tuesday, May 26, 2009

California's full of whiskey, women and gold!

that was the theme song for this last weekend. thank GOD for country music. it was my first of two wedding showers (lucky girl), this one being thrown by JJ's sisters E, S and C in LA, where JJ is from.

we landed in Burbank on Friday night, changed into our Dodger jerseys in the car (yips) and went straight to the game. got home at 11:30, shoved some leftovers down the hatch and went to bed.

woke up at 8 am to the delightful sounds of a happy child, our niece Natalie. "good morning, sweetheart," i said. "i'm not sweetheart, i'm Natalie Jane Campbell," she said.

ate breakfast, took a shower (shocking, yes?) then i went shopping at the outlet mall with JJ's sister E, spent money (surprise surprise) then went to church and out to dinner with JJ's family.

the next morning Sunday, was my shower! yes! of course we were running 20 minutes late, JJ's mom Anne forgot the cakes, and we almost ran out of gas. ha ha.

the shower was BEAUTIFUL complete with infinite mimosas, lovely gifts, and my Mom and sister M, who made the trip especially for me. JJ's sister C and i toasted to "California's full of whiskey, women and gold. Thank God." i ended up having a bit o fun with the mimosas, and Anne drove C and i in her minivan down to Hermosa Beach to meet JJ's brother R for a bit of bar crawling. what FUN! when Anne picked me up in the minivan i was struggling in my heels, my jacket was falling out of purse and i was giggling profusely. she took my back to meet JJ and i changed into: saggy smelly pink sweatpants, men's size large t-shirt with the words "this guy loves obama" printed across the front, and a feathery headband left over from my shower outfit. what a glorious sight.

then JJ's dad Ron drove us to the airport and i went into the Hudson News store (you know exactly what store it is) and bought a Big Grab bag of cool ranch Doritos and a light pink hashmina. just please. someone punch me. i didn't realize how many mimosas i had until i realized i was sitting on the dirty dirty airport floor talking to Crazylegs on the phone and my view staring straight up was JJ's nose canal. fits of giggles and we were on the plane. JJ's seat was 5 rows ahead of mine, and i whined. i think he was annoyed with me because i had a seat open next to me and he didn't move. ha ha. GOD BLESS CALI.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

chocolate poop.

it was just one of those nights where you just want to hang out in/around/on your bed. like you make your bed into this little hub that could support your existence for about 4 days before death. i had popcorn, candy, water, some magazines, my computer, my phone, a couple packs of lifesavers and books. we hung out in the Bed Hub from 7 pm until sleep. i was watching desperate housewives/obsessively following heidi and spencer on twitter (i know, i know) on my computer, JJ had the dodger game on his computer and the laker game on the tv. it was quite hectic, a lot going on. Cleo was bouncing around and Chanel was just being whorish. 

all of a sudden JJ screams, "YOUR DOG SHIT ON THE BED" (it's always "your dog" when she's done something naughty.) i said, "she has never shit on the bed ever in life. it cannot be shit." JJ says, "oh no, it is definitely shit."

upon closer inspection, i see chocolate coating on the corners of JJ's mouth. "JJ did you have an oreo weight watchers ice cream bar?" (they are seriously so good we buy the big pack from costco) JJ says, "yes why?" 

i go to the incriminating "poop stain" and give it one sniff before i declare, "that is oreo weight watcher ice cream bar on the bed, not shit. you dumbass."

"oh." he says. 

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

wild wild westport

May 15 2009

in the car at 12:30: 2 men, 2 women, (me, JJ, Rah, Nebular) 2 dogs, 2 kennels, 4 suitcases, 187 bags of extra other shit, 3 computers, 45 bags of food, 4 blankets, 2 handbags, 3 backpacks....i mean the list goes on. basically the car was jammed full of things for a 40 hour time spend at the place.
car ride = 7 hrs. discovered: i am the only one who hates driving, Benjamin Pierre (Rah & Nebular's dog) is seroiusly and deathly afraid of red motorcycles, Huggies wipes work to clean dog piss from leather seats, Nebular is a workaholic (put blanket over his head and computer in the car so he could focus), it takes a looooong time to get to westport, rent-a-center workers love hitting on blondes, Rah can pee for 22 minutes straight (7 water bottles between the two of us wasn't a good idea), boys like to drive illegally with headphones on, Cleo's kennel is too small.

Cleo + Benjamin Pierre = ebony & ivory living in perfect harmony
arrived at destination approx. 8 pm. changed and full make-up in the car. definitely mooned some innocent passerbys (trying to put on skinny jeans in the car is entirely stupid). everyone but Nebular was exhausted at this point. practically was asleep at the dinner table. actually fell asleep during comedy show. JJ loses phone at show. show wasn't even good. get back into car, head to hotel.
hotel: 1 am. PTFO

May 16, 2009

7 am: my alarm goes off.

7:02: back to sleep

8:41 am: wake suddenly to remember dogs are still in kennel in car. jump out of bed. take dogs for walk on the beach. dogs are elated. Cleo loses in wrestling battle. gets filthy wet and hideously ugly. see picture.

10 am: leave hotel. get saltwater taffy. go to surfing contest. see dog the size of bear. JJ consumes deluxe chilidog.

11 am: antique shopping for an hour. delish clam chowder.

noon: to the winery! Rah gets glass of wine, i get one tablespoon of wine. typical luck. (here we are at the winery...all 6 of us!)

1: back to the hotel for a rest and some wine in a mug

3: back into town for crabbing. ok, so we go to this gas station to rent a "crab pot" and Rah ends up being convinced to BUY: 1 crab pot, 1 bucket, 1 frozen dead fish, 1 bucket, 1 crabbers license, 1 crab measuring stick, 1 metal stake, and t-shirts. all for $65 "what a steal" we thought. we ask the girl behind the counter at the gas station what we actually needed to do and this is what she said, "just poke this metal stake through the fish's eyes and then attatch it the crab pot." WHAT?!?!?! POKE A SHARP METAL OBJECT THROUGH A FISH'S EYES? I'M GOING TO BARF. and who do you think ended up doing that? who? WHO?!!! me. that's right, i did it. it was so disgusting and the fish's eyes squirted out clear jelly. i attatched it to the pot and we threw er in! (we also saw a seal and Rah thought it was going to eat us) then we walked with the dogs around the downtown area, got some ice cream, had some laughs and went to check on the crab pot to see if we caught anything. i said on the way down, "with our luck we have nothing." Rah and JJ pulled up the pot out of the water and lo and behold: ARK! 6 crabs! they were a creepin and a crawlin, and it turns out everyone is afraid of live crabs except myself. so i hunkered down in my wellies and picked up those little things and threw em in the bucket.

me hunkering down catchin crabs with my bare hands

what happens next you ask? a "local" comes by and checks out our crabs. (ha ha ha) he says, "WOW that's the biggest female i've seen all day! how did you guys do that?!" we all proudly stood with our chests puffed up looking smug and said, "oh, we just threw the pot out a half hour ago right here, we're just good i guess." and the local says, "well it's just a shame you have to throw them all back." we stare at him. "WHY?!?!?!" we say. "because you can't eat the females." offfffffffffffffffffffff courrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrse we can't eat ANY of the 6 crabs we caught. all girls. those sluts. so we give up on life and head home grumpy. THEN we see a man selling fresh crab out of the back of his pickup truck. so we bought 3 for $20 from him. then we went to the grocery store and bought $30 worth of side dishes. all in all, we had a delicious $115 meal. we planned on going to the surfing party after dinner but we were all stuffed full and went to bed.

the biggest female

May 17, 2009 (hbday mom)

8 am: pack

9 am: leave

so here's the shirts we got. didn't realize how fat they sounded until after we bought them.

we arrived home that evening, just in time to give Chanel more food. even though we left 2 giant bowls overflowing for the 2 days we were gone.

Monday, May 11, 2009

The Sneaky Peacock Earrings

ok. so this is a weird one. but it's so weird that it's comical and crazy.

when i was a senior in high school i bought these awesome peacock feather earrings. i always loved peacock feathers...my Uncle Steve makes fishing flies and he always had a peacock feather or two just hangin around his workspace. i just think that kind of bird is so majestic and beautiful. so when i found these earrings, i bought them immediately and they were my instant faves!

freshman year in college: wore the earrings frequently, and loved them.

sophomore year in college: Rah asked to borrow my favorite earrings, and i let her. i was nice. next morning: note on my desk next to one of my favorite earrings, and next to that, a new set of peacock earrings and a feather pen. Rah had partied too hard and as a result, had lost one of my beloved peacock earrings. but it was ok because she got me a new pair.

end of sophomore year in college: while actually wearing new set of peacock earrings, it is brought to my attention that one of them is missing. i have only one peacock earring my ear. like a pirate. but by this time, peacock earrings were all the rage. so i just bought a new pair.

junior year: realized that in the move to my new apartment from my dorm, i lost one of the new new peacock earrings. so here i am with 3 single peacock earrings, none of which matches another. stupid.

(take a year off the peacock earrings)

summer after junior year: bought a swimsuit. the bottoms have a picture of a peacock feather on them. the top is just brown. so what do i do? go into my stock pile of peacock earrings, pick one, and attatch it to the brown swimsuit top. totally chic.

senior year: buy yet another pair

today: still have that pair

last week: passed on the peacock love to my future SIL Claude for her college graduation. i told her that peacock earrings are my go-to accessory. (even if they are tricky dicks and disappear).

what have YOU bought and lost and bought and lost and bought and lost??

Sunday, May 10, 2009

freshman year of life: completed.

dear class of 09: good luck. the freshman year of life is a real shit pile. love, Lacie.

a year ago today:

1.) i was graduating college in a fabulous dress and sparkles on my cap.

2.) i was going out for ONE LAST NIGHT in Spoke, wearing white jeans. (picture above)

3.) i was jobless.

4.) i was headed to Europe in 2 weeks

5.) i had a great haircut.

6.) i had a great boyfriend

7.) while packing my room, Pap, my elderly grandfather, was insisting on carrying the bed down the stairs. when we said no he declared, "god dammit let me do something i'm not a god damn cripple." then he teeters and loses his footing, heading downward on the stairs and Sam had to catch him.

8.) i was not looking forward to life after college.

9.) i cried the whole way back to Selah, sobbing and staring out the window while JJ drove. (i also cried in my parents' car on the way to college 4 years earlier)

10.) i had said goodbye to the kids i babysat through college.

11.) i had bawled in the airport saying goodbye to The Black Dahlia, with Juelz Santana and Crazylegs.

12.) i had one last forlorn look at my Big Blue house, the place where my greatest college memories happened.

13.) i had one last ultimate bagel.


1.) i still live in Spoke. all that dramz for nothing. but it really sucks living in Spoke when you're no longer in college.

things i learned in college:

1.) don't drink whiskey

2.) always lie to the police

3.) themed parties=the best parties

4.) avoid baseball players

5.) live alone at some point in your life

6.) always be the center of attention

7.) make a friend who is just as crazy as you are

8.) don't try to sneak your cat into your house when there is a strict 'no cats' policy.

9.) make friends with an accredited professor

10.) lock your doors at night (so a homeless person doesn't steal your gucci purse, fill it with cat poop and throw it in the dumpster.)

11.) always carry immodium

12.) clothes are always more important than food

13.) friends are always more important than school

14.) never leave the house without your backpack

15.) always flirt to get free drinks

where were your pants stupid?

on thursday i got 2 magazines: cosmo with my fave leighton meester (gossip girl) on the cover, and vogue with "inside the lives of models" on the cover. HOLY SHISTE, what a good magazine night!!! so i was in my pjs at 8, in bed at 8:03. i was just reading away, having a jolly ol time, wishing leighton meester was my friend in real life because she said, "the best fashion advice i ever got was: wear whatever the hell you want." what a coooool bitch!

but Cleo was so hyper and bouncing all over the place. jumping off the bed and chasing Chanel. and JJ was just getting out of the shower so i casually half-asked him while deep into my magz to take Cleo out to poo. he huffed and whined then opened the door to let her out. Cleo isn't really a fan of men, we have come to find out. JJ opened the door, and out Cleo zipped out barking like a crazy crazy fool. JJ then swung the door wide open to yell at her, and there he was, our neighbor, an odd fellow in his 20s, who was outside taking his garbage can to the curb. JJ was standing at the door, in all his glory, his frame silhouetted by the moonlight. he was naked. JJ is so astounded and so embarrassed that he slams the door and screams at me to "GET YOUR DOGGG I JUST SCARED THE NEIGHBOR WITH MY NAKED SELF" and i was like "OHMYGODDDD hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha" so i got up to get dummy Cleo. in passing, JJ gave me a look of pure revulsion. and i just couldn't stop laughing.

i run out to get Cleo and Odd Neighbor is still just hanging around. Cleo is standing 3 feet from him just yappin away. Odd Neighbor says, "i, uh, don't think your dog likes me." i feel like saying, "then why the eff are you still out here hanging around the dumb thing??" but i don't say it. he just sort of stands there awkwardly, like wondering if he should continue a conversation with me or not. i personally think he just didn't know what to say about "the incident" and was a bit shell-shocked. i mean, how would you, as a young man, react, if you neighbor, another young man, opened the door and a white and apricot flash run towards you to bark, and when you look up to see where the flash came from, you see your young man neighbor naked on his front stoop?

that would be quite enough excitement for a thursday evening in May, dontchya think?

back in bed an hour later, still reading my magz (but still inwardly laughing) i look up and say to JJ, "can i just ask you one thing?" "yes," he sighs, and he knows it's coming...

"but really though....where were your pants stupid? hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahha"

Saturday, May 9, 2009

cinco de boring adult life

my facebook status on May 5, 2009 read: "it's cinco de mayo and i have no plans. either i am officially an adult or officially a loser. god dammit i miss college."

cinco de mayo is again, one of those college holidays that those of us in "Our Freshman Year Of Life" (i.e. first year out of college) truly missed in 2009. unless of course, you said "to hell with it" and partied like lindsay lohan (minus the coke i hope) this year. i for one, miss the days of dancing around in a bikini and a sombrero drinking margaritas til i puke. i just sigh in memory and appreciation of those fairer days...flashback to last year: Crazylegs and i in our matching "De Leons" (authentic mexican burrito joint/mexican grocery market in spokane) t-shirts and Mexico headwraps. scream-singing "TORTILLA TORTILLA FOR MAMA, TORTILLA TORTILLA FOR PAPA, TORTILLA TORTILLA FOR BROTHER, TORTILLA TORTILLA FOR ME!!!" (if you don't know this song, shame on you) bottom line: it was a great night. (in picture: me and Juelz Santana)
flashforward to this year:
9 PM sitting at Rah and Nebular's house in sweatpants and uggs, drinking homemade sangria. we were just getting around to eating the alcohol-infused fruit when, at 9:13 PM JJ whines, "i'm sick, we have to go home." so i spent my cinco de mayo halfway tipsy and pouting in bed at 9:30.

so you tell me: what's the point of cinco de mayo if ya can't dance around in a bkini and sombrero, drinking margaritas til you puke??

Monday, May 4, 2009


KKiss came into town for bloomsday this last weekend. she was all ripe and happy and ready 2 run. bulghhh. i told her that i would be waiting at the finish line with a bag of chips. me and Rah picked her up from the airport and then we went to happy hour at azteca with JJ and Nebular. and of course we had the waitress who kicked me and Crazylegs and The Black Dahlia and Juelz Santana out that one time in college. and she remembered me. sorry lady. whatevs. after aztec the plan was to pop into a bar for a drink or two, but when we got in the car (Nebular's car, he likes to drive) the girls said, "off to a bar!!!" and Nebular didn't do anything. he just got on the freeway heading home. well, i, uh.....ok.

so we had some wine and some laughs and went to bed. the next morning i went to work. work on saturdays is literally the most boring thing ever in life. i do nothing. i complete my job description in 8 minutes and have the next 7 hours and 52 minutes to dink around. (i amcurrently getting through a book entitled "John Adams") well this particular day i was facebook chatting with Crazylegs. just telling her how bored i was, etc etc. then Frank the Mailman comes to deliver the mail. and he is just this really annoying person. he treats me like i literally have no brain. he always puts his hands on his knees and talks down to me. "do you understand what i am saying?" YES MF-ER I UNDERSTAND HOW TO PUT AN ENVELOPE IN THE MAILBOX. he is just so rude. and he really got to me that day (what is it with the reoccuring mailman issues in my life??) i thought he left because he said goodbye to me, so i started telling Crazylegs via facebook messenger how annoying he is and that i hate him. but when i turn around Frank the Mailman is literally creeping over my shoulder (and he smells like wet dirt) and asks me another question. i'm like "GUY I GOT IT THNX DON'T NEED YOUR HELP PLZ LEAVE" i try to click out of facebook so he couldn't see that i was talking about him, but my computer at work is a crap PC dinosaur so it freezes and like 18 windows pop up saying "program failed" so i think Frank the Mailman caught me talking shit about him via facebook messenger at work. well, i guess that's what i get for talking shit via facebook messenger at work. hope i don't get fired.

anyway, i'm dying to get off because KKiss is at my house just hanging out with JJ and i wanted to see her, but what do you think happens after work? i get ambushed by Dee in 712 to come to her apartment for a visit. the dear woman. i love her to death but i'm trying to hurry. and she commandeers me for an hour. shows me some wonderful things; her old tap shoes, her wedding dress, trinquets from South Africa....and the "lingerie" (i.e. floor length dress and matching robe) her friends gave her for her wedding night. and she gives said "lingerie" to me to take home and keep. and she's telling me she wants to adopt me and she doesn't have kids and it's so nice to talk to me. and she is so sweet so i can't say i need to go. finally i leave, with "lingerie" in hand, and i speed home.

KKiss and i then travel to the bloomsday expo, have a few free doughnuts and go sign her up for the race. who is the person who gives her the racing number? one of my coworkers. i smile and wave at her like an idiot.....nothin. not even a glimpse of recognition. i mean, i like to think of myself as an unforgettable person, and i talk to this woman every week. it was a blow to the face and the ego. (i came into work this morning and walk into the office to make copies of the residents' menu for the week. when i'm finished, i turn around and am face-to-face with Bloomsday Coworker's boobs. she says, "oh, look out." and what is she wearing? that stupid bloomsday volunteer t-shirt).

on sunday, as i'm telling one of the residents "HECK NO I DON'T RUN" in response to "don't you wish you were doing bloomsday?" 90-year-old, Peggy in room 229 comes out of the elevator dressed in running gear complete with an ipod. oh for pete sake. even a 90-year-old is doing the damn thing. i quietly promise myself, "next year..."

KKiss runs bloomsday and when she's finished and i get off work, she, JJ and i head to qdoba. MIS-TAKE. we went to the mall afterword, and let's just say we have seen a little too much of the inside of the food court bathroom facilities.

the weekend is over before i know it. i bid adieu to KKiss and go home and try on all my summer dresses for 2 hours. then JJ and i watch "The Firm" (1990's movie with tom cruise...based on john grisham novel) before bed and i dream the mafia is after me.

until next time, dear readers.
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