Tuesday, July 21, 2009

the most perf day ever in life

our wedding! just a few of the great moments.
it was everything i ever dreamed/wanted/imagined. JJ is usually so shy when at the eye of the storm (aka the center of attention) but he was a dear sweetheart, talking and laughing and dancing...like he was me or something.
hilarious and typical JJ moments:
1. at the ceremony i look over at JJ in his chair and he is slouched down like tired ape. i have to lean over to him and tell him to sit up straight.
2. JJ is fed up after photo 67,253. the photographer says, "now can you take off your shoes and splash your feet in the water?" JJ snaps and screams "OHMYGOD NO THAT IS SO STUPID." i give him the look and mutter "yesyouwillandyou'lllikeit."
3. when his brother and my sister and our dads were giving speeches, JJ is captured in a picture hunched over his food like Quasimodo.
4. at reception. we are running and photographer is behind us trying to get a good shot. JJ steps on my dress and i eat shit.
5. JJ gets 3 plates of food at the reception and later that night laying in bed he says, "i didn't get to eat as much as i wanted."
6. while gearing up to run through the sparkler tunnel, JJ says "i don't want to catch on fire."
hilarious and typical L moments:
1. while leaving the hotel to meet JJ and the photographer at the church, i trip down the 1 stair in my room and fall, breaking a strap on my dress. Crazylegs has to stand in the lobby with a flimsy needle and sew it back together.
2. while attempting to do a lift a la Dirty Dancing, JJ crumples under my weight and scratches my back. throughout the day, all of my guests asked me "what is that rash on your back?"
3. apparently i screamed my vows because everyone laughed. and also, me and the girls' room was 2 floors directly above my aunt's. i saw her on the balcony and said, "HIII!!!!" that night, my cousin said he heard my voice from across the lake.
3. during the Shania Twain song at the end of the reception my other strap breaks. OMG. so annoying.
4. back in our honeymoon suite after i take off my dress and am wearing just my hideous power panties, i bend over to grab something from my suitcase and JJ goes, "ohmygod. your butt. smells." EXCUUUUUUUUSE ME! i was wearing a thick hot dress all day! of course my butt isn't so fresh and so clean. rude.
it was the most magical day of my life. every person i ever loved was there. i love my husband!
thank you for celebrating with us!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

wed on sat!

things not going my way:

1. broken finger + brownish/purplish fingernail.
2. JJ's lost passport.
3. sliced left index finger pad obtained via scissors while searching for said passport.
4. ingrown toenail on left big toe.
5. entire right arm sore from playing air hockey with Rah.
6. half-dollar sized bruise on right thigh from playing air hockey with Rah.
7. don't have the perfect outfit for Sunday brunch.
8. can't bring Cleo to the wedding.
9. JJ thought it was a good idea to get us taco del mar for dinner last night.
10. my extensions look like white trash. i have to pay another $450 to get them done again.
11. JJ's grooms gift has not yet come in the mail
12. my wedding guestbook has not yet come in the mail
13. the tim's cascade miniature bags of chips for the out of town gift boxes have not yet come in the mail.

things going my way:

1. weather on saturday is going to be great.
2. my dress is effing amazing.
3. i love JJ
4. my mom is coming today
5. sister CA arrives back to america from cambodia today. therefore she is not ridden with disease and stuck in incubation. therefore, she will make it to my wedding.
6. my friends get here thursdayyyy
7. i'm treating myself to a fancy deli lunch solo and in silent reflection this afternoon.
8. i get to be the center of attention and no one can call me a drama queen because it's my day!


Monday, July 13, 2009

flask fiasco

JJ's groomsmen get aweeeesome presents, no thanks to him. it was all me. they are engraved flasks donned in black leather. what a treat! me and my sister M and my mom were doing wedding things a couple weekends ago, and i got bored. so i went online to order the gifts. i said, "i think i will engrave their names in all caps, you know, it's manly." and my mom says, "what? you're doing their names?" i was like, "yeah, duh mom, what else would i have engraved on them?" she ponders and then (i'm totally serious) says, "what about 'Thanks Buddy!' ?!?!" i look at M and M looks at me and we BUST UP laughing. i said, "mom....think about it: who the hell wants to walk around with a flask that has 'Thanks Buddy!' written on it?!?!?! hahahahaha and who the hell calls their friends 'buddies'?!" she got all offended and was like, "i think it would be nice." me and M just laughed all day and made fun of her every chance we could get. "heya buddy, can you pass me the glue?" "heya buddy can you get me a glass of water?"

what a doofus.

just on saturday i had JJ run to the liquor store and buy a jug of alcohol to fill the flasks with. he comes home with rum. captain mo. and i opened the bottle and got the first whiff and gagged. smelled like college. then i realized i didn't have a funnel. crappppp. so i dug around in my drawer of unused kitchen utensils, and found....aha! a giant syringe! so i filled the syringe about 983 times to fill the flasks.

then i came upon the flask of one of JJ's brothers-in-law. "oh shit," i said to him. "Scott doesn't drink. oh noooo!!! is that disrespectful to give him a flask?!" JJ said, "uhh....."

we filled his flask with crystal light strawberry bananna mango juice, and called it good.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

ah, the joys of parenting.

on Thursday i was babysitting and baby P had an explosion in her diaper. i was wearing a white shirt, and got really lucky the poo missed it. it managed to get everywhere else though. her mom said, "yes, it's quite an event when she poops." later both M (5 yrs old) and S (4 yrs old) pooped. (after they're done they scream, "I'M DOOOOONNNNEEEE!!!" and so whoever is closest, me or their mom, wipes their butt) and this time i was closest. while i was wiping, she said "thank you for dealing with all the poop!" and i said to her, "ah, the joys of parenting." we laughed.

later that day my mom called and told me that my sister MM was being a teenage B-R-A-T (sorry MM, sometimes it's true) and i said to her, "ah, the joys of parenting."

i think the next time Cleo does something naughty and JJ is yelling at her i shall say to him, "ah the joys of parenting."

what are YOUR memories of the joys of parenting?

the lover's quiz

our wedding is in 6 days! so i will do one last silly quiz.

1. what are your middle names? John & Elizabeth.

2. how long have you been together? 2 years and 7 months.

3. how long did you know each other before you started dating? 1 year and 2 months.

4. who asked whom out? he asked me out on a date! but i asked him to be my BF!

5. how old are each of you? he is 23 and i am 22.

6. who's siblings do you see the most? mine...we live in the same state! his siblings live in California and Arizona.

7. do you have any children together? not yet!

8. what about pets? Chanel & Cleo

9. which situation is the hardest on you as a couple? deciding who should do which chore.

10. did you go to the same school? GO ZAGS!

11. are you from the same hometown? hardly! tiny Selah vs. Camarillo, CA.

12. who is the smartest? i am book smart. he is street smart/knows about the world.

13. who is more sensitive? even. well, maybe me just a tad bit more.

14. where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Croatia!

15. who has the craziest exes? no crazy exes for us, thank goodness!

16. who has the worst temper? that one is dead even.

17. who does the cooking? JJ

18. who is more social? me!

19. who is the neat freak? me.

20. who is more stubborn? god dammit! guilty again!

21. who hogs the bed? >SIGH< i just lose.

22. who wakes up earlier? me.

23. where was your first date? the movies! a terrible movie because JJ picked it. but it was cute because he held my hand with his sweaty palm.

24. who has the bigger family? JJ. he has 3 sisters and a brother...and 2 brothers-in-law and 2 nephews and 1 niece! but including extended family, i definitely have the biggest.

25. do you get flowers often? yes, yes i do!

26. how do you spend the holidays? we are working it out, but we will switch Thanksgiving and Christmas every other year with each family.

27. who is more jealous? i'm jealous of his tan, he's jealous of my ravishing beauty. ha ha

28. how long did it take to get serious? about a year. JJ was Mr. College.

29. who eats more? stupid question. JJ's favorite thing in life is eating.

30. who does the laundry? ME ME AND ONLY ME.

31. who's better with the computer? evenly matched.

32. who drives when you are together? JJ, while i hang on for life.

33. when did you get married? ooh ooh ooh!!! not yet! on SATURDAY! july 18, 2009

i love JJ!

selah high 2004

i'm on a quiz binge, bear with me:

1. Did you date someone from your school? sam. then SG (we named him Sex God)--i mean brian. then erik.

2. Did you marry someone from your high school? no.

3. Who did you have a crush on? Sam Mattern. then Jeff Liddecoat. then Tyler Biles. then Dustin Brader. then SG-- i mean Brian Collins. then probably like 12 more people. then Erik.

4. do you know who had a crush on you? i never knew.

5. did you car pool to school? hell no! i was totally cool and drove a grandma car instead. no seriously, my grandma had the same car as me.

6. what kind of car did you have? Ford Taurus. then my delightful parents got me a rad purple jeep.

7. what kind of car do you have now? volvo

8. it's Friday night in high school, where are you? at a football/basketball game. or having a gay sleepover with the 3Ls. we were good kids.

9. it's Friday night now, where are you? having a gay sleepover with JJ and the animals.

10. what kind of job did you have in high school? coca-cola taste rep (i once spilled a table of root beer floats i had just made. took me 2 hours to clean up), Carlon Park concession gal (popcorn dipped in nacho cheese), GymKids (miss the little shits!).

11. what kind of job do you have now? receptionist. babysit.

12. were you were a party animal? not even kind of.

13. were you considered a flirt? i didn't even have boobs to catch the boys attention.

14. were you in band, orchestra, or choir? social suicide!/lack of talent.

15. were you a nerd? no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

16. did you get suspended or expelled? just got sent home for short skirts. and got caught that one time me and Whitney left campus to go to Taco Bell.

17. can you sing the fight song? when the team is on the floor, we'll cheer them on to fame. Selah Viks is what it takes for us to win this game! rah! rah! rah! come on Vikings chalk up the score, hear the crowd all yelling for more, hail hail the blue and gold, the colors of victory!!! come on Selah, let's go! come on Selah, let's fight! let's go, let's fight, let's win this game tonight.

18. who was your favorite teacher? Mr. Ruark. who coincidentally saw me last summer at my parent's house in my NSA softball 1999 see-through tee-shirt. he bought my parent's hot tub. and he came over to pick it up. and it was soooo awkward. so maybe he isn't my favorite anymore. i like to keep the memory of him in the past.

19. where did you sit during lunch? the 3Ls had their own table.

20. what was your school's full name? selah high school.

21. when did you graduate? 2004.

22. what was your school mascot? vikings!

23. if you could go back and do it again, would you? no, it was perfect and awkward and so wonderful and innocent.

24. did you get picked on? no besides the one time Ryan Wright caught a glimpse of the ape hair that freakishly grows out of my temple. i was so embarrassed and he talked about it and told everyone all day.

25. did you have fun at prom? i OWNED prom. simple elegance is what i named it. and i had a blast with my bffs.

26. do you still talk to the person you went to prom with? no, not anymore.

27. did you have a locker partner? no. but LJ did...it was a rotting pile of garbage.

27. are you planning on going to your reunion? dear asshole friends of mine, i hate you. to those who do not know the story: my asshole friends decided to vote me class historian on the day i was gone. therefore it is my duty to keep track of everyone in our 2004 class and plan the 10 year reunion. too bad they voted me, because now they have to help me.


A- age: 22

B- bed size: double (and not upgrading. love the little cloud bed)

C- chore you hate: cleaning JJ's shitstains from the toilet. i mean, totally gross.

D- don't eat: meat.

E- essential start your day item: toothbrush.

F- favorite board game: Candyland.

G- gold or silver?: both. (silver for everyday, and gold costume jewelry/bangles!)

H- height: 5'6"

I- instruments you played: guitar stint once for like 5 days. learned how to play jingle bells and quit.

J- job title: receptionist/babysitter.

K- kid(s): zero.

L- living arrangements: long-ish cottage. with JJ. and Chanel. and Cleopatra.

M- mom's name: Kiki

N- nicknames: Lace, LG, Larry, Legs, Labie, Haroldine

O- overnight hospital stay other than birth: none.

P- pet peeve: lotion crust/ball scratching.

Q- famous movie quote: "hello! is Jane there? have a lovely day!

R- right or left handed?: right

S- sibling(s): 3 little sisters. M, CA, MM.

T- time you wake up: 6:30

U- underwear: none.

V- vegetable favorite: asparagus, artichoke

W- ways you run late: the hours i spend waiting for a terd (turd? sp?) to drop from Cleo's butt.

X- xrays you've had: teeth. and just recently, my bum flip-the-bird finger on my right hand.

Y- yummy food you make: i lose.

Z- zoo favorite: big cats.

comment with YOUR ABCs

passport pity party

"JJ, where is your passport? i have mine but not yours"

"it's in my backpack, you know, the one i always travel with."


"no it's not here."

"well then you must have put it somewhere because it's ALWAYS in that backpack."

"are you really blaming me for your lost passport?"


his passport is gone. and laws have changed about traveling to Puerto Rico for our honeymoon. we are going on a southern caribbean cruise. and JJ needs a passport to get to Puerto Rico.

so we TORE APART the house.

things we found that were NOT JJ's passport:

1. a giant pack of AA batteries
2. a note JJ wrote me from a Venice hotel last summer ("a clue!" said JJ, "i had my passport when i wrote that note!") what a sherlock holmes he is.
3. a xeroxed copy of JJ's passport
4. my Halloween costume from 2007
5. a videotape of porn. (from JJ's bachelor party. eeewwww. and who even watches videotapes anymore?)
6. the keychain with my room number on it from my dorm sohphomore year.
7. my favorite miniature red flashlight.
8. the book JJ was reading when he was last in Europe (anothe one of JJ's "clues")
9. about 13 of JJ's socks.
10. a European outlet converter ("clue")

so we gave up. the "clues" led us nowhere. so we made an appointment in Seattle to expedite a new passpord two days before we leave for our honeymoon. apparently you can do that now, but it is an extremely extensive process that will require us to do exact movements (think Seinfeld, "The Soup Nazi" episode) as well as sit and wait for hours on end until we can breathe a sigh of relief once he has a new one.

do you know what i got him as a gift for our wedding day? a leather passport cover. he he

(it's ok, don't worry...JJ doesn't read my blog. "i live your blog," he says)

a letterman's jacket

i never was good at sports. but hot damn, by the looks of my letterman's jacket, i was a real athlete! (swim team, golf, dance team, and numerous stars for lettering in the same "sports" the following years) the whole "S" was covered in patches.

but amazingly enough, i was one of the first people in high school to get a letterman's jacket. me and LJ (and a couple of cross country people). from swim team, where we spent the majority of the time thinking of ways to avoid doing any actual swimming.

even the star of the varsity basketball team (who was also a freshman) didn't have one...yet. (swim team is in the fall, basketball in the winter...ha ha ha) i later dated this star bball player, and i was always able to say "i had a letterman's jacket before you...i really really did."

when i went to order my new LJ (what my dad calls letterman's jackets), the woman took my measurements and said, "well you say you're a swimmer right?" my mom starts to break in, "well.......yes, but---" and the woman says, "we had better leave room for those swimmer's shoulders to grow." i'm staring up at her, a 92 pound 14-year-old with not so much as an inch of fat on me. (this same woman also said the same thing to tiny LJ too) my mom was like, "ummm....she's realllllly small, and she probably is not going to grow too much within the next 4 years" (and grow i did not. i gained maybe 5 pounds in the years leading up to graduation from high school)

nevertheless, we left a little bit of "growing room for my swimmer's shoulders" and the damn jacket still doesn't fit me today. it would probably fit venus williams--and LJ's LJ could easily fit serena.

my sister M had a real athlete's LJ...and sister CA never had one because honestly, who wants an LJ for being in band?? well last week my mom took sister MM to get sized for her LJ. she too is a freshman. and the woman sizing her said, "so you're a softball player, huh? well, we better leave room for those---" my mom cuts her off and says, "no extra room, thank you."

*Sidenote: in the fall of 2006 (this is real) my dad wore his 1980 LJ to an SHS football game. he couldn't even button it. but felt realllllly cool.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

the 4th is a fail in 2009

the 4th of july is annoying. either it's great or stupid. i wish i was 5 again, so we could sit on Uncle Bud and Aunt Nancy's lawn watching fireworks shot up from their driveway. too bad fireworks are illegal in Washington now. just yesterday i tried to buy sparklers for my wedding. NO FIREWORKS IN SPOKANE sign hanging on the door of party palace. >SIGH<
in high school an old friend and i bought felt flag headbands and had a campout.
in 2007, the 4th was spent shaking our heads at the embarrassing party that wasn't. i guess the facebook party invite with a picture of Father Spitzer (Gonzaga's president) holding a sparkler wasn't that funny after all.

in 2008, i was on the plane, headed back to the good ol USA from Europe. i wanted to wrap a flag around myself like a cape because i missed America so much.

this year all of my friends are having a blast, and everyone is getting the debut meet n greet with KKiss' and Sam's new boyfriends. while i am stuck behind a desk at work. my mom and sister M are here, but i can't hang out with them because i am stuck here. the only good thing is that i get paid time and a half for working holidays.

i even bought Cleo a little red white and blue top hat for the occasion, but we can't even sit outside watching fireworks because THEY ARE ILLEGAL HERE.

here is a picture of me today, just to garner some pity.

well good morning mr. fedex!

yesterday (friday) was my cleaning day. JJ left on thursday for san diego (bachelor party. good Lord). my mom and sister M got here late last night. but anyway, yesterday i was laying around just feeling sorry for myself and my bum digit. i would clean the toilet, then lay down for 20 minutes and watch American Dad!. do some laundry, then lay down for 20 minutes and watch American Dad!. make cookies, then lay down for 20 minutes and watch American Dad!. (i got through all the free episodes of American Dad! on hulu)

it was a productive day around the house, but i was reallllly lazy too. well at about 11, a knock came at my door. followed by a howl from my mutt. i opened the door and it was the fedex man! with pressies! wedding pressies! (a microwave and a toaster yesterday!) well i signed for my gifts and caught the fedex man staring at my vajay. i followed his gaze to my vajay. and i realize i have no pants on. crimany. i quickly sign and slam the door. i look down again and see that i am wearing the Hanes underwear i have donned "period panties" for their comfort and extremely large size. i mean, if the fedex man is going to see a hot blonde in her underwear, i could have at least been wearing a hot little number from VS to give him a thrill, or better yet--nothing!

instead, i ruined his day with my Hanes.

the bum digit

tra la la. it's wednesday morning and i was just leaving the house at 10:15 am. Cleo in car, JJ's lunch packed and ready to deliver, my list of errands ready to be completed.

10:30 am. pure disaster.

i get out of my car at JJ's work, his lunch (and Cleo) in hand. i start walking towards the office, and something pulls me back. i realize with horror that it is my F-you finger on my right hand. it is stuck in my car door. so i try to pull it out. no such luck. i am in shock and realllllly panicky at this point. and my idiot self locked the door. so while said finger is still stuck, i have to set JJ's lunch and Cleo on the ground and dig around my purse for my keys. 30 seconds (might as well have been 30 hours) goes by and i finally get my keys, press unlock and release my poor finger.

i take one look at it: black as the night. instantly. and red all around. and swollen. and hideously ugly. "OH.MY.GOD. I'M GOING TO HAVE A BLACK HORRIBLE FAT SWOLLEN FINGER ON MY WEDDING DAY!!!!" then the pain sets in. i start hyperventilating. i start screaming. i have never felt such pain in my life (and i have once before broken my finger...playing softball. left field. needless to say i didn't make the game-winning fly ball catch) so i dialed JJ's number and screamed "COMEOUTSIDENOWWWWWWWWWWW" and hang up. then cry and scream some more. then my phone rings. it's JJ. "what's wrong now?" he says. "JUST SHUT UP. COME OUTSIDE. NOWWW" i mean. honestly.

he comes out. i am screaming obscenities that the residents at Rockwood would be disgraced by. he asked me what happened, i told him, then we stopped at the 7-11 for ice (charged us a quarter. what ever happened to having compassion in a state of an emergency?!?!) then we went to the urgent care center. i called my mom and cried. she said "wait until child birth" THANKS MOMMMMMMM. (that was almost as bad as the time in Hawaii when i was attempting to surf, fell off the board, and scratched my back up on the coral reef. i went crying to my Mimi with my bloody back and she gave me one look and simply stated, "cancer's worse.") the women in that family. how rude.

anyway, got to urgent care, waited for like 2 hours with my digit in a green 7-up cup filled with ice. "dr" comes in, takes one look at my finger and says, "we have to let the blood out" so she PUTS A HOLE IN MY FINGERNAIL and blood gushes out. i feel absolutely sick at this point. then she orders an x-ray. JJ has to go back to work at this time. so i am all alone in the urgent care center. sad and cold and lonely.

i go downstairs to get my x-ray and the technician (greasy brown long hair with an entire bottle of gel in it) tucks all my fingers but the ugly one under and i decide to be funny and say, "oh, heh heh heh, i'm not trying to be rude, heh heh heh" *wink*wink* (you know, because i'm flipping him off not on purpose?) he just stared at me and gave me one of those stupid half smiles, you know? like "shut up girl." he says with a deadpan face, "this is the only time you can get away with it." i'm like GUY I'M THE ONE IN PAIN HERE BE NIIIICE!!!! what is wrong with people?

so i go back up to meet with the "dr" and she says, "yes, you broke it, just the tip." the nurse will come in to bandage it, OH and you're going to get a tetanus shot as well." i hate the "dr"

nurse comes in. bandages disgusting finger. it is throbbing in horrid pain. then gives me shot. hurts. then i try to stand and i can't. head falls between knees. am feeling terribly nauseous. nurse has to get me 2 cans of orange juice. have to use "dr's" phone to call JJ at work. "can't drive myself. i'm sick." so he has to come back and pick me up. i'm sitting in the car crying. i feel like a waify leaf. i'm so weak and feel awful. and Cleo's in there. we had forgotten about the poor pup. and she didn't even poop! good girl.

he takes me to get my pain meds and i go home and have a nice nap.

it is now sunday and my finger is so worthless and still throbs and is hideous. and my left arm from the tetanus shot might as well be chopped off. it's so worthless.
p.s. the "dr" said i have to keep the splint on my finger until my wedding day. what a treat.

but i will tell you something: once you slam your finger in the car door, by God you will never do it again.

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