Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Ladies Man

remember how i have to check on all the residents every morning to make sure they're alive? well today, Dick in 733 didn't check in, and he usually does. so i called his room. no answer. little nerval. when my bff Dee came down, i asked her if she saw Dick since they live like 5 apartments away from each other. she said no then told me a story about how she couldn't find a bra this morning (LOL).

i called the nurse to tell her about Dick being MIA. then 5 minutes later Dick himself comes out of the elevator following Dee. Dee had a firm grip on his polyester blend collared shirt and said, "look what i FOUND!!!!" and i said "oh Dick! there you are! i'm glad you're ok."

he said, "what? i didn't check in this morning?" i said, "yeah! and i called you, but you didn't answer." Dick said, "well, did you check all the ladies rooms? that's where you might have found me." then he stuck his finger in his mouth and touched it to his butt making a "tsssss" sound. Dee blushed. hahahahahahahahahahhhh still a ladies man at 80 years old.

Drug & Alcohol Policy

so the HR guy had a mandatory inservice today for all employees about the new drug and alcohol policy.

one of the new changes is "RW reserves the right to perform random drug tests via salivia swab, urine samples, hair follicles, blood samples, etc...and if there is reasonable suspicion, RW reserves the right to do personal searches (i.e. purses, lunch boxes, vehicles, etc.)." of course i asked, "WHAT KIND OF SAMPLE DO WE HAVE TO PROVIDE IF RANDOM DRUG TESTING IS CONDUCTED?!?!" because i was freaking out about having to give my blood. like, NO YOU MAY NOT TAKE MY PRECIOUS BLOOD. IT BELONGS IN ME. TEST ONE OF THE OTHER FREAKS. the answer was saliva swabs. phew.

anyway, when HR guy was talking about all of this, you should have seen the miscreants i work with all shaking in their seats. like OMG DRUG TESTS?!?! CAR SEARCHES?!?!? WTF? I'M GOING TO HAVE TO FIND A NEW LOCATION TO KEEP MY METH LAB. it was hilar to see their faces. but also kind of scary. like, i work with a bunch of druggies and alchys.

so, me being me, i tried to lighten the tension in the room after the inservice. i leaned over to a maintenance guy who is probably a Drug Lord in his spare time and i said, "so, i uh, guess that means no irish car bombs at lunch then?" he just stared blankly at me. then my turtleneck got really itchy and uncomfortable and my cheeks got red and hot and nervous so i turned around and ran away.

OMG GETMETHEFUGGOUTTAHEA!

Your Daily Dose of PN

7:15 shove doughnut in face while driving to work
7:30 arrive to work sporting new Gucci (NO BIG DEAL!!!!!) in exceptionally good mood.
7:33 bring the Wall Street Journal to the CEO's office. stop dead in my tracks and can feel heart actually turning cold and grey as i hear in an all-telling smoker's voice, "SWEETIE COME HERE."

christ. she's caught me. and it's not even 8 yet.

PN: "what is the name of that DVD of the gonzaga basketball? i want to buy it for my husband, and i'm at the online store."
L: (like, i have no fudging clue. i hate sports) "i don't know."
PN: "oh come on, it's like 'ten years of...excellence' or something."
L: "ummm...yeah. have you tried looking at the GU athletic website?"
PN: while shaking her hands at me, "YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME! I JUST TOLD YOU--I'M ALERADY AT THE ONLINE STORE kccckkkhhhh" (that last part is a sort of hacking sound she makes when she's annoyed).

7:45 she walks by my desk to the bathroom and comes out 9 minutes later (who spends 9 minutes in the bathroom??) and says "you need to have someone fix the broken light in the bathroom."

i'm going to put gum in her mullet and download porn on her computer.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

i hate pizza.

i hate pizza. like whatever. it gives me really bad diarrhea and makes me feel nasty so i don't really eat it. but this morning was weird...

i went to bed at 1 am. because we got home at 12:15 and then we opened one present and then we were watching the news about the terrorist asshole and then i couldn't sleep because i was bothered by the terrorist asshole. so i went to bed at 1 am. then i had to get up at 6:30 am. when i got up i spent 30 minutes on facebook and staring at pictures of Rah trying on her wedding dress. then i realized how late i was. and then i realized that i didn't even kind of have time for a shower. and then i realized that i haven't showered since we were in hawaii. then i just lost all hope for the day and put back on the outfit that i wore on Christmas. the outfit that i wore all day, even on the plane. and i just stink. but JJ even said to me this morning "hey, not bad for how disgusting you really are." then he made me a coffe and gave me a big kiss and said "HAVE A LOVELY DAY!" it was a miracle. a Christmas Miracle. he is never that nice in the mornings.

then i got to work. and pooped three times before 10 am. LIKE WHOA. that's a lotta poop. so i got hungry. i mean, there was nothing in there. so i ate a bag of chips at 10 am. i know, i know. so gross. then one of the maintenance men (the one whose zit i pointed out) asked me if i wanted to go halvsies on a pizza. i was like "YEAH. OK!" even though i don't even like pizza. and so the pizza came. and we sat in the lame employee lunchroom and ate the pizza. i got mushroom and green peppers and he got some meat gross supreme thing. the next thing i know i look down and 3 slices of my half are gone. i was like OMG DID I JUST EAT 3 PIECES?!?!?!?! i have never eaten 3 pieces of pizza in my life. i remember that one time when my friend Katelin at a whole medium pizza by herself in 8th grade and i remember being so shocked and really appalled. and now here i was getting a GIANT BELLY FROM THREE PIECES OF PIZZA. like, at least Katelin was smart enough to eat a whole medium pizza when her metabolism was at the speed of light. i am 23. the metabolism is slower. and though a generally thin person, i get a little Grinchy around the middle. (i.e. Jim Carrey as Grinch. see below)



thin but potbellied. see what i mean? it all goes to my stomach. i think i get it from my Pappy.

anyway, after the initial shock of the three pieces of pizza (i decided: one for each of the monster-sized shits i took this morning before 10 am. sounds good to me) i looked over at the maintenance man's side of the pizza. he could hardly finish one piece. i out-ate a man. That Is A Crazy Thing. A Gross Thing. I OUT-ATE A MAN!!!! A MAN WHO IS RUNNING AROUND ALL DAY FIXING FAUCETS AND SHIT. LIKE HE'S EXERCISING LITERALLY ALL DAY AND HE ATE ONLY ONE SLICE. I ATE MORE THAN HIM. i pushed my chair back and started to back away from The Scene. the maintenance man was like "WAIT DON'T YOU WANT THE REST OF YOUR HALF?!?!?!?!" and i was like FUDGE NO GUY! I JUST ATE THREE PIECES YOU TAKE THE REST AND YOU SHOVE IT WHERE I WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN. and i threw the $8 i owed him in his face and i ran away.

i hate pizza.

Christmas Bonus

i got a Chrsitmas Bonus. actually 2 Christmas Bonuses. but combined they equal one Giant Christmas BONUS. way better than Clark Griswold's certificate to the jelly of the month club.

i will tell you what i spent every last dime of my Giant Christmas Bonus on: it starts with "G" and ends with PERFECTION!!!!

.........

wait for it....

..........

A NEW GUCCI BAG! literally 30 minutes after i got my Giant Christmas Bonus i ordered my Gucci. and it is all mine. mine. mine. mine. i pick it up at the UPS store on Monday. and i'm so excited i could pee. PEE MY PANTS.

when i told JJ what i got he kind of just looked at me crazy-like. but then i kindly reminded him of the small fortune he spent on his hockey gear. he said "BUT i use that alllll the time" and i was like "no you don't. you don't use it in the summer. i will literally use mine every single damn day of my life. every season. every day. forever. because it is Gucci and nothing is better than Gucci" (except for maybe eating a bag of chips in bed).

and so, my friends, you all may have wonderful jobs and wonderful schooling and wonderful everything in life. but i have Gucci. i worked my ass off this last year and i deserve every thread of the Gucci. every moment of wiping poop (babysitting), and enduring weekends behind a desk doing absolutely nothing (RW) and tolerating verbal abuse (babysitting AND RW) has brought me to this fate. the fate, until a week ago, that i could have only dreamt about.

i might even go so far in saying: I LOVE LOVE LOVE MY JOBS

this is it:



isn't she bee-yoo-ti-full?

The Decor

RW has recently revamped the place. we have new decor that consists of a lot of fake plants and textured wallpaper. basically PN and the Big Fat And Rude Activities Coordinator picked the interior designer and he totally sucks.

like, in every lobby on each of the 7 floors, there's a table with these giant balls in a bowl. and the giant balls of crap that probably cost $15 a pop look like giant balls of weed. maybe i should steal a few and try selling them on the street to make a buck or two.

the artwork on the walls look exactly like my walls did after Chanel swiped them with diarrhea and the bird statue in the library really gives me the heebeejeebees.

BUT there is one realllllly great fabulous wonderful thing. that i love. love. love. love. forever. A NEW CHAIR in the library. it's my chair! my new chair! it is brown giant houndstooth with a blue pillow. and it's kooshy. and it replaced the wooden one i used to sit in while i ate my lunch. now i can snuggle up in this new chair and nibble away at my cheese sandwiches joyfully and just be happy forever. the chair is mine and i love it.

Quick Christmas

the red eye flight from Hawaii to California was actually not bad. i took a giant sleeping pill and slept like a babe. JJ's dad picked us up from the airport at 5 am and i fell asleep in the car. when we got home we took a 3 hour nap and OHMYGOD we had never felt so refreshed in our lives! Christmas in Camarillo with JJ's family was so short but a total blast! we ate SO much food. and JJ's sister Claude and i accidentally drank a whole bottle of wine before mass.



we got back to LAX on Christmas day at 6:30 pm. after all the fun and family and food and festivities, it came to a disgustingly abrput end. we were miserable at the thought of having to go straight back to work. we sat in the terminal, grumpy and tired and complaining of having to travel on Christmas. then a man with an extremely feminine voice came over the intercom and told us our flight had some first class seats available for $50. i'm not kidding you, before i could even turn to JJ to discuss it, he leapt out of his chair and ran BAREFOOT (totally gross) to buy us first class tickets from LAX to Seattle. THANK GOD. the leg room is immeasurable in first class. and we watched Christmas Vacation (obvi) and it was so perfect.

when we arrived in Spoke, we realized we didn't have a ride home. so we paid a thousand dollars for a taxi to drive us the .8 miles home and drop up off at The Gate (we weren't about to give the guy the code so he could break into our house and steal our TVs and/or Chanel), and we had to haul our suitcases at midnight in the cold to our MH.

then we exchanged one gift each (we are celebrating Christmas today after work with pressies and xmas music and tomato soup and bagels) and i handed him the Free Sound Machine That I Regifted From The Gift Exchange At RW, and he gave me Marc Jacobs perfume so i looked like a total a-hole.

BUT DON'T WORRY HE HAS LIKE 80 REALLLLLLL GOOD GIFTS TO OPEN TONIGHT.

MERRY CHRISTMAS DEAR READERS!

Christmas Potluck & Gift Exchange at RW

ok i totally forgot to write about my work Christmas party. i have to backtrack to December 18. because it was so hilarious.

the administration office has a potluck and white elephant gift exchange every Christmas. obviously i didn't make anything. i went to Rosaurs and bought sugar cookies which were a total hit.

and i wasn't about to buy a nice gift. last year i bought VS body spray and this really cute notepad. and the woman who got it didn't even like it. so i didn't want to waste money on the dumb exchange. so at TJ Maxx, in the clearance aisle, shining in a little beacon of light, was a $4 ceramic duck statue. big. like the size of a real duck. i bought it instantly and laughed a Grinchy, maniacal laugh as i wrapped it up.

then came the day of the Christmas Potluck & Gift Exchange at RW. i brought my snowman sugar cookies and the duck. all wrapped up perfectly. little background information: Jaak, the COO, is as skinny as me but 6'9" and he's scandinavian, and his front two teeth overlap and he has a lisp and walks a bit pigeon-toed. he's not married, has a blue Mazda and a dog named Max. last year in the gift exchange he got all crazy for the Mama Mia DVD someone brought in. like, he screamed "I LOVE ABBA" and got all giddy when he got it. well this year, Jaak (pronounced Yok) had to leave early to take someone to the airport. so Pastor Gail, RW's own minister, drew a number and picked a gift for him. and she picked mine. so basically what was supposed to be a hilarious joke for some funny person, ended up being the COO's gift. and now i feel bad. because he got a duck. should i buy him a replacement gift with an apology note attached? maybe he'd like the Sex and the City movie...what do you think?

i, on the other hand, completely scored duing the gift exchange. i bought JJ this really cool sound machine (i.e. plays the sounds of the rainforest, the ocean, a heartbeat ((CREEPY)), or a rushing river) because since we live next to the freeway, JJ has a little trouble sleeping. and i hate falling asleep to the TV on. AND HOW ANNOYINGLY BRIGHT IS THE BLUE DIRECTV POWER LIGHT?!?! I MEAN SERIOUSLY. in the gift exchange, i got THE EXACT SAME sound machine i bought for JJ. so now i get to take back the one i bought him and buy myself something. cool, eh?

after the party i was just walking out the door and PN shouts at me "COME HERE!" i turn around. she is waving frantically at me. like i have my jacket on, purse on my arm, hand on the doorknob and she's yelling at me. i walk over to her. "come upstairs with me." then she literally puts her crockpot filled with nasty meat chili in my arms and puts her white elephant gift in my arms to carry upstairs for her. like, there are 20 other people in the room and she yells at me to help her. IT'S MY DAY OFF and she yells at me to help her. so while i struggle under the weight of her disgusting homemade meat chili, she lightly picks up the napkins and plastic cups. she says, "my arthritis is acting up today. and i have a bad leg. and a bad back." so i silently follow her upstairs. i set the crock pot down on her desk and turn towards her and wait for my tip. or even a 'thank you.' because seriously. i deserve something. but nothing of the sort comes. i stare at her one more time, trying to coax some shred of civility out of her. nothing. so i kind of slammed her door on my way out.

INCREDIBLE.

Hawaiian JAMS

oooh, where did i leave off? oh yeah, packing. for hawaii.

10 minutes before landing in paradise JJ says to me on the plane, "L, you have a moustache." i mean. i hate him. it must have been the way the sunlight was catching my upper lip, no? in the end i trimmed my "moustache" with fingernail scissors.

our bags made it and my mom picked us up. and we totally got the best condo in the place--the suite! my mom's crazy (et al.) family was there to greet us with strong rum drinks and hugs. we beached, ate, drank, woke up at 4:30-5:00 am, (well, i did. and then jumped around yelling and annoying everyone else) JJ golfed, we went to church, and celebrated Mimi and Papa's 50th wedding anniversary (which started with an 8:30 am family pic by the beach. Uncle Spence said to them, "now set the example for everyone else and try to go one day in your lives without arguing." Papa looked at him right in the eye and said "too late.")

in total: Mimi, Papa, Uncle Spence, Walker, Winston, Noni, Mom, Dad, Me, JJ, Sisters M, CA, MM, Chase, Dot, Bob, Emily, Shad, Janie, Holly, Zoe. basically it was just completely crazy and fun at all times. except on the day when i got sunburned on my shins and Zoe got a bloody nose in the ocean. oh, and when MM went to the ER and PTFO from pain pills/shots. and who could forget when JJ lost his wedding ring in the sand for 5 minutes?

Mimi and Papa's xmas gift to everyone was an article of clothing from JAMS. check it out: http://www.jamsworld.com/

Chase (sister M's bf for those who don't know) and JJ got these matching bright orange JAMS bowling shirts with green collars and blue sleeves. on the back across the shoulders it says JAMS in black bold print, just in case the shirt itself wasn't loud enough. Chase was abnormally excited about his. but JJ was less than thrilled. on the last day he said, "i don't want this. i'm leaving it here." i said, "NO YOU'RE NOT MIMI WILL HAVE HURT FEELINGS." he said, "i don't want this. it doesn't fit in the suitcase." and i said, "you're packing the JAMS." and we went back and forth for a bit. he grabbed the JAMS shirt and walked away. and that was the end of it. or so i thought.

as we were cleaning the condo and packing up, my Mom did a walk-around to catch any items we might have missed, and in a lonely corner, all bunched up, lo and behold, there is JAMS. she proclaimed, "WHO FORGOT THEIR JAMS SHIRT?!?!?!" JJ turned red and feigned true and utterly delighted surprise and said, "OH!!!!! THERE IT IS!!!!" and we all died laughing.

Hawaii was wonderful and it was so great to catch up with the family (who are STILL THERE NO FAIR) Chase JJ and i all took the red eye back to the mainland. our JAMS nestled safely in our suitcases.

Friday, December 18, 2009

packing with the Hansens

packing is the worst. i really hate it. unpacking is better than packing. and on wednesday, the packing was extra rough.

it was extra rough because we don't want to pay for checked baggage. so JJ and i squeezed everything into carry-on suitcases. it took so long because he kept packing ugly things so i would replace the ugly things with nice things. then he would figure out what i did and yell at me and switch back. then i would yell that i don't want to look like i'm married to a hobo on our family vacation in hawaii NOR on Christmas with his family. and i would be all "JJ YOU WILL WEAR THIS CORAL SHIRT IN HAWAII AND YOU WILL LIKE IT." and he would say "UM NO F&*$ING WAY I'M WEARING THAT GAY SHIRT." and it was back and forth and back and forth. there was no way i was going to let him wear his stupid dodgers jersey to a nice dinner. and i wanted him to wear his nice golf shirts, not the white one that says USA HOCKEY on it. like, NO. NO NO NO.

and i had to plan my outfits day-by-day (SO HARD!) taking things out, putting things in, it was just hard work! and i don't know about you, but picking out the outfit to wear on the plane is the hardest part. because you don't want to look bad, but you want to be comfortable. finding The Perfect Plane Outfit takes time and effort. anyway, we finished. phewww. and JJ will be sporting the pink northface backpack filled with the gifts as his carry-on bag #2.

AND, finally JJ just gave up on the argument and let me pack for him. and let me tell you: there are NO dodger jerseys or USA hockey shirts. BUT, there IS a coral shirt. tee hee.

Life with Lola666

Lola666 is staying with us. today she and Cleo go to the kennel but she has been boarding with us for the past 2 days. she takes up all the room on the bed, and every time she wags her tail, she takes out half my living room. the MH was not built for big dogs.

on wednesday we stayed up til midnight packing. and Lola666 would start barking and whining for attention. then Cleo would start barking and whining for attention (get your own identity Cleo, ghod.) and so we would have to pause and pet them, then get back to packing.

and last night i took the dogs to The Urban Canine, a little shop in Spoke where they sell the cutest little dog things (and cat things--but....Chanel is dead to me). my mom wanted me to get Lola666 a new collar. i opened the door to get out and the dogs come shooting out of the vehicle like rockets. ROCKETS. and it's a busy street!!! it was so scary. i thought Cleo Was Dead For Sure because she's so dumb (like this morning, the garbage man came and Cleo stood in the middle of the street and did not move AN INCH, the garbage truck came to a halting stop literally 3 centimeters from her face and all she did was tuck her tail between her legs and widen her eyes and stare straight up at the truck). anyway, i went after Lola666 first because if i let her, she would run away to China. i pinned her between my legs and threw her into the car. then i turned to get Cleo. a nice couple who were on a walk were holding her and giving me Disapproving Looks and shaking their heads. i was all "I'M SORRY! THEY JUST ESCAPED!" and they were like "she could have been hit" and i was like I WISH CHANEL WAS HERE TO GET HIT. so i thanked them for the kindness and put Cleo back in the car. despite the freezing temps, i was sweating like a fat guy and i took one whiff of my pits and almost passed out. bought Lola666's collar and GTFOOT.

after that fiasco we got home and Lola666 takes a dump the size of JJ and we get inside and watch the Saturday Night Live Christmas Marathon. went to bed. JJ on his 1/36th of the bed, me on mine. Lola is laying horizontal across both of us and Cleo is laying on my pillow. then i smelled something awful. turn on the lights. CLEO HAS POOP STUCK TO HER BUTT. get up, wash her butt, go back to bed. i mean the GODDAMN ANIMALS IN MY HOUSE ARE MORE HIGH MAINTENANCE THAN AN INFANT. AND WTF IS THE DEAL WITH ALL THE DINGLEBERRIES AND POOP STUCK TO BUTTS IN MY LIFE THIS WEEK?

this morning after the alarm went off, Lola666 punched me in the face and jumped on JJ's stomach/Cleo. Cleo made the same noise as a squeaky toy and Lola666 started barking.

my life. can you believe my life?

FU CHANEL

i almost put Chanel to sleep this week.

on tuesday i got home from work to see little swipes of brown on the kitchen table, the couch and the wall. i inspected the swipes. definitely poop. Cleo can't get on the table, so it had to be Chanel. (PROCESS OF ELIMINATION! isn't it great?)

so i found the dumb cat. and sure enough, she had diarrhea. so there is brown poop on her tail. which she used to paint my house brown. so i screamed first. then i grabbed her. and then i got into the shower with Chanel in my arms. in hindsight, i realize this probably wasn't a good idea. like, at. all. because as soon as the water touched us, Chanel went all nuts and scratched the shit out of me. i have 4 giant scratches down my belly like a caveman who tussled with a cougar. then some more on my wrist. so i finished my shower (PAINFULLY--cat scratches are the woooorstttt) and when i got out, i put on my bathrobe that says ANGEL on it and i got down on my hands and knees and wrenched Chanel out from under the couch. then i put her butt under the sink and washed the diarrhea out of her tail. but it didn't work. not even with soap. Chanel is howling like a wolf now, screaming for help and trying to claw me again. i took her into the kitchen and got out an all-purpose clorox wipe and scrubbed her bhole. SHE STARTS PURRING. ew. i turned on my cat by cleaning/rubbing her ass. i got out the scissors and cut out the diarrhea-stained parts of her butt and tail. then i blow-dried her fur.

WHAT A DAY!

we get into bed around 10 and fall asleep....2 am we hear Cleo jump off the bed "QUICK! GRAB CLEO! BEFORE SHE POOPS INSIDE!"....then we heard the most awful sound ever: we turned on the lights just as Chanel was barfing....ON MY UGGS. LIKE SERIOUSLY?!?! ON MY UGGS?! ANYWHERE BUT ON MY UGGS!!! so i screamed again. and almost started crying, you know, because it was the middle of the night, and, well, my favorite shoes were covered in cat barf. and while we were busy worrying about the cat barf, Cleo pooped in the kitchen. COME ON LIFE.

in the morning i met my mom at the halfway point between our towns. i brought Chanel, and she brought her dog Lola666. we traded for our vacation. Lola was to be with Cleo in the kennel and Chanel was to stay at my parents' house. i told my mom to keep her and to never bring her back.

2 days later (today), i was feeding the dogs breakfast when i just happened to look over at Chanel's food bowl. it had three little pieces of cat food in it. i started to miss her a lot. then i felt bad for being so mean. THEN I LOOKED CLOSER AND SAW A BROWN SWIPE ON THE FLOOR.

F&$* YOU CHANEL

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

L and the Morning Troll

it snowed last night (!!!!) and we were so excited about it! and of course i woke up late this morning and only had 15 minutes to get ready. but then i figured since it snowed, if i'm late to work that can be my obvious excuse. in any case here is what i did this morning:

6:00 am- alarm goes off. NOT A CHANCE i'm getting up. reset alarm for 6:40.

6:40 am- alarm goes off. reach down for my comp to get on FB to wake me up. no computer. "JJ! WHERE THE F IS MY COMP?!?!?!" grumble..."i used it last night." "WELL GO GET IT I NEED IT NOWWWWW SO I CAN WAKE UP!" "what are you talking about?" "YOU KNOW I NEED FACEBOOK TO WAKE UP!" "you are so effing weird." anyway, i got my computer.

6:52 am- lean over to JJ and tell him i'm going to be late. then ask him to make me a sandwich for lunch. he said "no i'm sleeping." "thanks Morning Troll, you're so kind."

6:53 am- get out of bed. pee. brush teeth.

6:56 am- take Cleo outside. the priss went about 3 inches before she ran back inside.

6:58 am- go back into the bedroom and ask him where the shovel is. he said, "in the garage." i said, "where in the garage?" he said, "by the door in the garage." i said, "what door? like the door door or the garage door?" he said, "OMG WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU??!?!?!?!?!??!?! IT'S RIGHT BY THE GARAGE DOOR." i said, "ok thanks darling asshole!"

7:01 am- shovel path from doorstep to the grass. then shovel a little patch in the grass so the Princess Cleo could take her golden shit.

7:05 am- realize i'm still in my pjs with greasy hair and no makeup. SHOOT! "JJ LIKE I REALLLLLLY NEED YOUR HELP NOW. I GOTTA LEAVE IN 5 MINS!!"

7:09 am- outfit on. makeup on. dry-shampooed my head. french-braid my hair while making myself a cup of tea. JJ finally made my sandwich. it was sitting there on the counter. just by itself. not in a baggie or anything. nice. real nice.

7:11 am- WHOA I'M LATE. "JJ HELP!!!!!!!" "L! WHADDYA WANT ME TO DO?!?!?!" "well, i'm just late, can you just help?"

7:15 am- "WHERE THE F IS MY EFFING PURSE?!?!" "IT'S IN YOUR CAR L! I WAS TRYING TO 'HELP' YOU!" christ.

7:19 am- pull out of the garage. gotta be at work in 11 minutes. snow is the perfect excuse!

7:25- people going 20 mph on the freeway! COME ONNNNN

got to work only 10 minutes late. not too bad.

8:57 am- text from JJ "i was very very very grumpy this morning, sorry baby."

it's a good thing he apologized. otherwise i would have made him eat the "salad" from last night for dinner.

lettuce & truffles

last night we had s&s (who met and fell in love at our wedding! how romantical!) over for drinks and dinner. i was busy wrapping presents--then cleaning the house--when JJ got home from hockey. i said, "dear sweet husband can you please go to the grocery store and get a ceasar-salad-in-a-bag and a bottle of champagne?" he said yes.

s&s arrived and i settled them in and we were chatting when JJ got home. he handed me the grocery bag...what's in it? a pack of gum and a bag of lettuce. "WHAT KIND OF SALAD DO YOU EXPECT ME TO MAKE WITH JUST PLAIN LETTUCE AND GUM?! AND WHERE'S THE BOOZE?!" he said, "oh. forgot." xdfiaisfjjlsdf

so we had delicious spaghetti and garlic bread and a "salad" (i.e. the lettuce with oil, vinegar and salt and pepper. it was so nasty.) and the bottle of peach schnapps for the bellinis was so lonely without the champagne. thank god s&s brought a bottle of wine!

for dessert, i had a bag of Lindor truffles. but JJ refused to serve them to s&s because i bought them at TJ Maxx and they had the price sticker on them. talk about SNOB. like, he's fine feeding the guests crap salad with no flavor but the delicious truffles get ousted? what is that?

Monday, December 14, 2009

today's ego boost

charming Mr. Orland in 209, who used to be a professor at Gonzaga Law, called down this morning and asked to be transferred to the companion department. i did as he asked and went about doing my business.

30 seconds later my phone rings again. Mr. Orland again. he said, "i need the companion department." i said, "oh, they must not be in, but if you leave a message, they will call you back." he said, "when? in two god damn months?" i said, "well, no, probably later today." he said, "to hell with you," then he pressed one of the keys down for 45 seconds, then slammed the phone and hung up on me.

then he called back an hour later. he wanted me to dial a number for him. he gave me 6 numbers...not enough to make a real phone number. when i told him this, he said, "you're good for nothing."

stuffed like a god damn Christmas ham

JJ's parents were in town this weekend, so fun! and basically all we did was eat. friday we went to Anthony's. saturday JJ took us to egger meats (vomit bc there are giant slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling) and made salmon and steak. sunday we went to Clinks...right before i went to jazzy. so i literally had to take a giant poop before class started AND i was burping up grilled cheese the entire time. i think that extra mayonnaise i asked for sent me over the edge.

we said goodbye to his parents and got ready for JJ's work christmas party (rmbr, i got my tattoo licked last year by the owner of the hockey team?) i wore my sparkle leggings for the occasion. and i didn't eat a thing at the party because of the gluttony that happened all weekend. then JJ gets a call--his parents flight was cancelled! so we left the party early to hang out with them. (BTW, at the party they had a raffle...hotel stays, restaurant certificates, etc...and what does JJ win? a free round of golf. i mean, literally the only thing i won't/can't use) where did we meet his parents? YET ANOTHER RESTAURANT!!! rock city grill. and by that time i hadn't eaten since 2 pm so i was kinda hungry. and i ate a piece of pizza.

we said goodbye to his parents for a second time, then went home to bed. 9:30 pm. perf timing! talked to Moon on the phone for an hour and went to sleep.

at 2 am i woke up with the worst indigestion ever in life. my stomach hurt sooooo bad. like i was stuffed like a god damn Christmas ham. i couldn't figure out if i was gonna barf or have Big D. so i slept on the bathroom floor. then Cleo jumped off the bed to come hang with me. then JJ woke up and started freaking out and screaming because me and Cleo were gone. then he helped me back to bed and got me water. isn't he sweet?

all of this holiday eating is getting to me. and we still have 4 more get togethers this week--all that involve food.

all i'm eating for the rest of this season is tums.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Lost Things

why why WHY when we lose things, are they ALWAYS our favorite things?

example 1: my first pair of l.e.i. size 0 stretch bellbottom jeans. i loved these jeans. they were the only pair i had in 8th grade that fit me. i wore them literally every single day. in 8th grade i also was on the C squad basketball team (barf). the jeans got lost somewhere in the shuffle from school to 7-11 (for a pre-practice slurpee of course) and to the elementary school for practice (we had to use the elementary gym because there wasn't any room for the loser basketball players in the junior high gym) and then home. when i lost these jeans, i felt like i had lost a part of me...plus i didn't have any other pants that fit. it was a heartbreaking loss.

example 2: my favorite favorite favorite pirate shirt. it was grey and i got it for Christmas in my stocking from Santa. and it had a picture of a gnarly shipmate on it and it said "Pirates arrrr Cool." it was the best shirt ever. EVER!!!! and the last time i wore it, i took my Grandma to the pharmacy. then i wore it again the next day. that's how much i loved it. i still think that one of my 6 roommates in Big Blue senior year stole my favorite favorite favorite pirate shirt. it just disappeared one day from my closet. completely vanished. for nearly a year i blamed Moon, since the cave that was her room seemed to swallow anything and everything. she swore to me that it wasn't her, and even tried to look online to find a similar t-shirt to order for me. i have since bought many a pirate shirt...but none quite as endearing. to this day, a single tear rolls down my cheek, as i think fondly upon my favorite favorite favorite pirate shirt.

example 3: JUST ON THURSDAY: i was finishing up the last of my Christmas shopping at the mall, and Cleo was in my purse. i took off my best cream-colored cable knit scarf that is really really long and stuffed it in my purse with the dog. when i was driving home, i instinctively reached at my neck to loosen my scarf, when i realized it was gone. GONE. Cleo must have rearranged her position in my purse and knocked the scarf out. i'm almost positive that a passerby saw how great the scarf was, and full of Christmas Spite, and didn't stop me to give it back, but swiped the fallen scarf to have as her own. i went to target to try and buy a replacement...but to no avail. none were as long, as soft or as chic. when i told my mom she said, "that thing was dingy, it was time for it to go." rude. my fallen scarf has put a giant dent in my winter cheer.

what favorite thing have YOU lost?

PN's Karma

on tuesday i was happily typing away on my computer while humming Christmas tunes, when all of a sudden i looked up and jumped three feet out of my chair in surprise and fear. the PN was staring at me with this horrid deviant smile. she was peering around the corner and looking up at me through her eyelashes. sort of like she had a crush on me, sort of like she wanted to kill me. i was like "WHOAAAA! YOU SCARED ME THERE!" and she laughed. and walked over to my desk and said, "i gotta project for ya hun." oh goodie. she whomped a giant stack of paper and blank name tags on my desk. and i stared at her. she was like "can you put these printed out name labels in the name tags?" i was like "yeah, but i have 2 death notices to take care of first." she was like "well they need to be done today." and walked away.

so there i was, cutting and gluing and stuffing name tags, muttering under my breath, when the CEO walks out to my desk. i immediately got nerval and sweaty and i straightened my posture and plastered a stupid smile on my face. he was like "hi, L! how ya doin there?" i was like "i think i have them about a quarter of the way finished." then he said, "actually, you look pretty busy out here, i think will take the rest of them." so he took everything and relieved me of the burden.

10 minutes later i walked into the administration office to do a very receptionisty duty (i.e. make copies) and i saw The Single Most Awesome Thing Ever: the PN was sitting all squatty-like at her desk with a giant frown on her face...and SHE WAS CUTTING AND GLUING AND STUFFING NAMETAGS! the CEO made her do it herself. hadfahahhahahahaha. i looked at her and i said, "oh, now you're doing them, eh?" she said, "ooooh, don't even get me started." i walked away giggling with glee.

KARMA IS A BITCH PN, KARMA IS A BITCH.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Heat Wave

yesterday was mine and JJ's 3 year dating anniversary! wowza! so we went out to dinner at a little delish place RIGHT by our house (Latah Bistro) which has 50% off any bottle of wine on Mondays (hell. yes.) so i got a bottle of SPARKLING RED WINE! it was so sooo yummy. JJ had 2 diet cokes. what a treat for both of us!

after dinner we went home and i got an email from LJ...which stemmed the 2-hour fun i had with Elf Yourself (see previous post). after the Elf Yourself joy, JJ and i were in the Elf Spirit and decided to watch Elf the movie. The Best Way to Spread Christmas Cheer Is Singing Loud For All to Hear! then JJ turned the heat up before bed. i was like "don't do that. we should turn it down before bed." he said, "L, i know what i'm doing, OK?! i put it at 62." i said, "no, you really don't." our heat is so crazy. if you move it 1/16 of a cemtimeter it changes the temperature by like 10 degrees. we keep it at 60 degrees, which is actually about 66. JJ said he put it at 62 which is like 70-75. i was like "OK WHATEVER DUDE. we dozed off with Elf playing in the background...

2 am: "OHMYGOD I'M DYING! I'M IN A MOTHERFUDGING INFERNO JJ!!!! WHAT THE HELLLLLLLL!??!?!?!?!" JJ lied. he put the heat at 65. which is like 80. that's hot for the SUMMER. and i was wearing my high school swim team sweatpants in bed, which, i'm 99% sure, are warmer than an eskimo's pants. i was literally pouring sweat. even Cleo had her tongue out and was panting. like seroiusly. so i made JJ get out of bed and fix his mistake. "I TOLD YOU 60 DEGREES IS WARM ENOUGHHHHH!" he just silently fixed his mistake, knowing very well how wrong he was. but that didn't solve anything. i screamed in agony from the heat wave in our MH in december. like really? there are homeless people freezing outside under the freeway, and here i am practically sunburt from the heat inside our home. so i growled and heavily leaped out of bed. i had to get up and open the door, letting the -7 degree weather hit my face. and let me tell you: WHAT A RELIEF!

so now the heat is at 60 degrees. because i am right. because i am always right.

Monday, December 7, 2009

WARNING: you MAY wet yourself

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/zWuglDL1nttWoUg4mLIj

Fake Christmas Spirit.

remember how i explained the weirdness of the managers at RW when decorating for the harvest? they're irritable, pompous and without an ounce of happiness.

well the Christmas season is even more bizzare. there is an employee and resident Christmas Choir. (i have not joined for obvious reasons) the residents bounce and smile and snap their fingers while they're singing. some of the employees dance a little. but not the managers. nope, no siree. they stand stiff as boards, straight-lipped and serious. they look like absolute assholes standing up there, singing the most joyous and celebratory music there is, with frowns on their faces. then after choir practice, they shuffle by my desk, still stony-faced, yet HUMMING CHRISTMAS SONGS. i just don't get it...wtf is wrong with these people?

oh but it doesn't end there my friends. the grumpy managers must collaborate in some sort of meeting and decide to wear something "Christmasy" everyday in December. because they show up in such festive clothing that you would think they actually have hearts. it's like they have fake Christmas Spirit. here is a sampling of the managers' wardrobe choices:

Example 1: the crabby Maintenance Supervisor stomps around, looking pissed off with, i kid you not, a red baseball cap with reindeer antlers protruding from either side of his head. the front of the cap says "Santa's Helper" in green font. i mean, that has got to be the jolliest god damn hat i've ever seen, and it looks so contradictory on his cantankerous face.

Example 2: the Housekeeping Supervisor with literally a permanent frown etched onto her face. like i have never seen her smile. not even when she was talking about the birth of her first granchild. THIS little diddy has a different novelty Christmas sweatshirt for every day of the week. here is a random selection: one is red with just a big giant replica of santa's face printed on the front. one is green with picture of Christmas lights across the chest. suggestive, eh? another one is red with rudolph. his nose is sparkly red. i'm all WHY DON'T YOU TRY MATCHING YOUR FACE TO THE GOD DAMN REINDEER ON YOUR SHIRT. LIKE, EVEN THE ANIMAL IS SMILING. HOW CAN YOU NOT WEAR THAT MERRY SWEARTSHIRT WITHOUT A SMILE!?!?!?!

Example 3: Activities Coordinator who is the most petulant woman i've ever met. she has absolutely no couth. she is so rude, and has not an ounce of tenderness or care in her body. with these qualities, i cannot imagine why she is the activities coordinator for a retirement community. her favorite thing to do is call me and tell me to do favors for her. she never asks. just tells. she came to my desk today demanding that i make copies for her, and i heard a happy little jingling eminating from her. i said in my best Cheery Christmas Voice, "what's that? what's that jingling that i hear?" she, not even KIND OF amused, said "bellsonmyskirt. canyoujustpleasemakemycopiesthanks." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!

these people are putting a damper on The Sacred Christmas Spirit. i just can't figure out what kind of Christmas Trees they have up their asses. Spruce? Noble? or maybe even an evergreen. at times like these, i wish i had Clark Griswold here to cuss them out.

The Blackout

last night, while watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire at the worst possible time...right when cedric diggory gets killed by Voldemort...THE POWER WENT OUT. just out. black. black everything. the first thing i said was "HOLY SHIT DID WE PAY THE POWER BILL?!?!?" JJ assured me it had been taken care of, but he was totally panicked, as were Cleo and Chanel. and you'll never guess what i was doing when the power went out. WRAPPING CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. i mean, really? couldn't the power have waited 15 more minutes?? there was paper, tape ribbon and scissors all around me. so while my family freaked out, i kept my focus on finishing the wrapping with the light from the 36% power i had left on my computer.

my phone was dead. the fridge was out. the house was PITCH BLACK! JJ and the neighbors all ran outside to make sure it wasn't just them. it was quite a sight. almost creepy. it was SO DARK. and my worst enemy besides PN, The Gate, was stuck closed because of the power! so people who were coming home had to park their cars and find their way to their houses. some neighbors totally freaked out and tried to speed off in their cars, but they too, were stuck because of the gate. we were all trapped. TRAPPED!

so we lit all the candles and sat in bed chatting. i suggested ghost stories, but i think JJ was too frightened. then it started to get really cold, since it was 0 degrees out and the heater was not working. so we snuggled up real tight in sweats and nestled under the covers. then JJ decided to get all brave and noble said to me, "give me the flashlight so i can have some sort of control. i'll take care of you." so i handed him the flashlight. which is a very manly flashlight. white with pink trim and hello kitty on it. "gee, i feel quite safe with you and hello kitty," i said.

then, out of boredom, we just started staring at each other. i noticed how dry and crackly JJ's lips were--and his hands! so i moisturized him while we discussed the need for a humidifier. first i did his lips with Victoria's secret beauty nighttime gloss, then his hands with peach hand cream. he smelled very nice and his lips were shining and healthy looking. i thought about maybe asking him if i could paint his toenails, but then changed my mind because that might have been going overboard.

we finally fell asleep around 11, and at 2 am, the power came back on. and of course all the lights and the TV and the christmas lights and tree came back on too since it was only 9 when the power went out. JJ shot up from bed and shouted, "WHAT'S HAPPENING?!?!?!?!?" i told him the power came back on. "WHAT?! WHY?! WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" he said. "JJ GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED AND TURN OFF THE LIGHTS!" "WHY DID YOU TURN THEM ON?" "I DIDN'T TURN THEM ON! THEY CAME BACK ON WITH THE POWERRRR!!! TURN THEM OFF!" so the back and forth questions and demands continued in the wee hour of the morning until JJ finally woke up fully and realized what was going on. he jumped out of bed and turned off the lights and we went back to bed.

this morning i woke up and discovered that a tree fell over in the windstorm last night and 2,000 houses were out of power. how horrid. so this morning i was so thankful for heat and computer power and my phone and for JJ's soft hands and lips. what more could a girl ask for?

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Hand Cuts

i have 7 cuts on my hands. SEVEN. i look like i lost a thumb war to Edward Scissorhands.

here is how i got them:

1. top of right hand, at the base of the thumb: i reached into the junk drawer to get a pen and the letter opener poked through my skin.

2. top of right hand, near the wrist: CHANEL.

3. middle top of right hand: one long scrape from sharp edge on the medicine cabinet.

4. top of middle finger on right hand: deep gash from leaning over the counter to grab a bottle of water. my middle finger got caught on the cheap countertop lining that is peeling away from the wood.

5. pad of index finger on right hand: paper cut from an envelope at work.

6. left pinky finger knuckle: cold weather makes my skin dry. my knuckle cracked and bled. (note to self: buy moisturizer)

7. outer left pad of left index finger: while making homemade spaghetti sauce, can opener broke so i went all Popeye crazy and tried to open the can with my bare hands. sliced the finger badly. i prob have aluminum poisoning now.

i am adorning an assortment of band-aids: 1 spongebob, 1 neon green, 1 walgreens skin-colored, 1 pirate.

Makeshift Clothing

part of my job is being able to handle bodily waste. no, not the retirement community. farts are all that happens there. i'm talking about babysitting. i wipe asses, change diapers, swipe the snot being licked off of an upper lip...but barf is the worst. it reallllly is.

when S was one, he had the flu so i gave him water and cheerios. he held it down ok, and it seemed he was on the way to feeling better. he whined and whined for a bottle so i gave him a little one. 30 seconds later i was covered in milk and chewed up cheerios. all over. dripping down my neck and my shirt was covered. "well, shit," i thought. now what? i gagged. S cried. M screamed. and i still had about 4-5 hours of babysitting to go. so i did the only thing i could think of: i went into M's closet (she was 2 at the time) and i put on her biggest shirt, which was, of course a size 3T. i looked like Baby Spice. my belly button was hanging out, and the shirt had pink frills on the shoulders. when CP and A got home they could not stop laughing. it WAS quite a sight.

well last night, while we were playing the "Monkeys on the Bed" board game, (it's so lame. i cheat to get the game over with faster. is that bad?) M declared, "I AM THE QUEEN OF THE BED!" and S said, "I AM THE KING OF THE BED! P IS THE PRINCESS!!....L you can be the servant." thanks for that S, but i am already aware of the fact that i am your slave. anyway, P was eating a little baby biscuit and she had mashed blueberries and pears earlier. and a bottle of milk. i guess the biscuit sent her overboard because she yakked (sp?) all over my leg. so i did what i usually do: grab a baby wipe. baby wipes have magical powers. seriously. they are good for cleaning, stain removal, wiping up dog pee, etc. so i baby wiped my leg. and i baby wiped P's face. then i smelled something AWFUL. and M and S smelled it too. and it was my barf leg. it was soooo bad. so we all gagged. and P laughed. so i took off my pants and fashioned myself a skirt. with a blanket. that was blue and had monkeys all over it. so what does S say? "L I'M COOOOOOOOLD!!!!....AND THAT'S THE ONLY BLANKET DOWN HERE." i don't think so, buddy. "i'll go get you a sweatshirt then, master King S," i said.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

where's the spirit?

the problem with Christmas shopping is this: for every gift i buy, i purchase one thing for myself. but honestly, how can one pass up on black suede thigh-high sam edelman boots that were 70% off?

but, wonderfully and amazingly, my Christmas shopping is 95% done! pat on the back, self. now i just need to start wrapping! and i'm thinking of possibly writing a Christmas letter to go with our picture card. i have a lot on my Christmas plate. and remember the spare bedroom/JJ's closet that was previously known as The Wedding Room? then later known as The Place Where Chanel Shit & Pissed All Over The Bed...well now it is The Christmas Shit Room...it is filled with wonderful pressies! i am totally in the Christmas spirit, but i think my family is starting to get annoyed with my Christmas obsession...

example 1: the irritated look i got from JJ when i shoved his Dec. 1 advent calendar chocolate in his mouth.

example 2: i watched Chanel kick over the miniature Christmas tree we have sitting on the front windowsill.

example 3: every time we leave, Cleo pulls the donkey and baby Jesus and the black wise man down on the ground from their place in the nativity scene. those 3. every. time.

example 4: every time i sing The 12 Days of Christmas in the shower, JJ slams the bathroom door shut and stomps away grumbling.

example 5: when i put the reindeer antlers on the Cs, they both shook them off and ran away.

COME ON HANSEN FAMILY, GET IT TOGETHER!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Surprisingly Perfect Day

i should have known my day was going to start off wrong when i got my feet tangled in a pair of dirty underwear.

i pushed snooze 3 times this morning, making myself a little bit late. and the only way i can wrench myself from the throes of slumber is to facebook myself into consciousness. so i facebook and check the Live News Feed until i am fully alert, head spinning with TMI from my digital "friends."

well upon arising from bed and schlumping into the kitchen, i realized i had left my homemade spaghetti sauce (i know, i know, impressive) on the stove all night long! which is quite dangerous, but really i was secretly delighted because it was simmered to glorious perfection.

but then when i got dressed, the outfit i picked out last night didn't look right so i had to start from scratch. then i didn't have time for my cinnamon toast crunch. but JJ made me a delicious peppermint latte, what a dear!

I FORGOT MY FROTHING HOT MOUTH-WATERING LATTE ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER! sonofaB. i called JJ to whine. then as soon as i hung up i realized: I FORGOT MY IPOD FULL OF CHRISTMAS TUNES! doh! what a terrible day at work i was destined to have.

at work, my spongebob band-aid got caught on one of the residents keys and it ripped off. then i accidentally kicked the computer and my screen shut off and the whole check-in system went down so i had to call EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE 180 RESIDENTS to check to see if they were alive.

but then the most miraculous thing happened. i got an email saying PN WAS GOING TO BE GONE THE ENTIRE DAY!!!!!!!!!! hallelujah! hark! the herald angels sing!

as soon as i got that news, things started turning up! for instance, JJ is making me a crab feast for dinner tonight, i finished my book on my break this morning, i realized it's officially DECEMBER, and the BEST part: the french chef at RW is wearing a god damn Santa Claus baseball hat. it's so hilarious i could die!

it's amazing what kind of day i can have when my mortal enemy is gone.

Feeling Neglected

i'm thinking that maybe LJ was right--life would be much better without animals...well, at least without Chanel.

for instance, we can't have a real Christmas tree because Chanel eats the pine needles and then throws them up all around the house.

also, cleaning the litterbox sucks.

Iams Indoor Weight and Hairball Control for Adult Cats is expensive.

the 6 am aerobic workout is SO annoying.

trying to keep an indoor cat from going outside is quite a hassle.

OH YEAH AND THE DUMB BITCH TOOK A GIANT DUMP AND PEED A LAKE ALL OVER THE SPARE BED YESTERDAY!! is that even real? cats never pee/poo anywhere but their litterboxes. when i first discovered her miscreant deed, i thought maybe the litterbox was too full. so i felt bad. but when i went to clean it, i saw that there was plenty of empty space for bodily waste. i cleaned it anyway, and she sat on the kitchen counter watching me intently while swishing her tail. after i cleaned it i screamed "CHANELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!" and i snatched her up and put her face in her mess and called her a bad bad kitty. she screm-meowed and ran under the bed. then i had to strip the bed and wash EVERYTHING TWICE BECAUSE CAT PEE IS THE WORST SMELL EVER. EVER.

then i went to jazzercise with Rah.

on the way home i stopped at the grocery store. i called Moon. her dad is a vet, so i thought she would have some sound advice. she told me that Chanel was probably feeling neglected and sad because i spend so much time with Cleo and JJ, both of whom she hates. Moon said i needed to spend some alone time with Chanel. blah blah blah...

but later that night JJ and Cleo went for a walk, and i saw it as the perfect Chanel Time opportunity. i called her up on the bed and i started petting her. not 10 seconds after, SHE ROLLED OVER ON HER BACK AND SWATTED AND CAPTURED MY HAND WITH HER PAW AND BIT MY WRIST, CLEARLY TRYING TO ASSASSINATE ME.

there will be no FEELING SORRY for that monster.
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