my monthly gift came a little early. at work. this morning. so i looked into my bag for a remedy. DAMN! empty. so i went into the women's locker room (yes, i said locker room. my normal secret bathroom does not have tampon machines bc all the ladies who live here obviously are too old to have their periods) at work to purchase a tampon. so i went into the locker room. someone in the righthand stall. so i walk to the mirror and fix my hair and pretend to look vain and/or busy. the righthand stall lady comes out and washes her hands and leaves. i quickly look left then right and ran with my wallet to the machine. i put a quarter into the machine and twisted. nothing. so i twisted harder. nothing. so i read the sign on the machine. "if nothing comes out after you put in the quarter, do not force the machine, call maintenance." YEAHFUDGINGRIGHT i'm not going to call effing maintenance to come unlock the effing tampon machine. so i hit it. nothing. askljflksfdljkasdfl;kjsafd well i don't want to ruin my underwear. i have 2 options: wad up toilet paper and place it in the crotch area of my undies, or..............do the unthinkable: buy. a. pad. or "napkin."
i regretably chose the latter.
it came out. in a BOX. its own individual box. i looked left. i looked right. all clear. because i mean, buying a pad is 1000x times more embarrassing than buying a tampon. then i ran with my pad box into the stall. i pulled back the opener tab and ohmyghoddd. it was like an airbag deployment. the pad shot out of that box like a god damn rocket. then the wings tri-folded out and then came the front and back compartments. it was like George Jetson's car. you know? when his car folds into his briefcase? well that's exactly like the pad in the box--only in reverse. like i couldn't believe all that pad came from the tiny box. then i looked at it. i have seen Big Pads before. i have USED Big Pads before. but never, in all my years of "womanhood," had i seen anything as Big As This Pad. and i was like OMFG this will not fit on the crotch part of my undies. like, no way. NO WAY. but, again, my options were, the toilet paper or the Giant Pad.
i put the Giant Pad in. if i start bleeding from my bellybutton or the middle of my back, i will be covered. if i start bleeding from either hip, i will be covered. if i start bleeding ANYWHERE on the lower-half of my body, i am covered. literally i am covered. covered in Giant Pad. so i tucked the Giant Pad into my pants and flushed and walked over to the sink to wash my hands. "swunch, swunchhy, swishny," went my pants. OMFG. i can actually HEAR THE GIANT PAD. i can hear the pad crumpling around with each step. i wash my hands and swiunch my way over to the full-length mirror. OMFG I CAN SEE THE GIANT PAD THROUGH MY PANTS. granted, they are thin pants, but still. i can see the outline of the Giant Pad through my pants. so i took a deep breath. i tucked my hand into my pants in a sad attempt to smooth out the Giant Pad. to no avail. so i swiunched to my desk and sat down.
HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER. IT'S LIKE I'M SITTING ON A COUCH. LITERALLY. A GIANT FEATHER-FILLED COUCH. HOW LUXURIOUS!
i think i quite like this Giant Pad.