Saturday, January 16, 2010

hawk food

when i first laid eyes on my cat, she was a wee kitten, weak from the rough life on the side of the freeway. i gave her hope and freedom from oppression. i was living at home the summer i got her. and i hid her from my mom for about a week. until The Day She Had Diarrhea On My New Shabby Chic Duvet. i had to rush down to the washing machine and the secret was out. i should have known right then and there that she wasn't the cat for me.

On Thursday, while putting away JJ's laundry (wife of the year award!), i smelled an awful smell. NO. NOOOOOO. I KNOW THAT SMELL. NO. GOD. DAMMIT. CHANEL. the spare bed. again. pee and poop. like, i clean your putrid litterbox 1-2 times a week. that is plenty. there is plenty of room in there for more pee and poop. STOP DOING IT IN MY SPARE BEDROOM! so i stormed into the living room, got down on my hands and knees, grabbed Chanel by that spot in her neck that supposedly doesn't hurt a cat, and threw her the EFF OUTTA MY HOUSE--er, M.H. and slammed the door. she stood on the doorstep and looked at me through the window, unsure of what to do. i said "FUDGE YOU" and walked away.

then i stripped the spare bed. yet again. and washed the bedding. YET AGAIN. and washed it all a second time, yet AGAINNNNNNNN. and i was so frustrated. because, like, my life would be so much easier without the dirty mongrels i live with. (JJ excluded. he can stay) so i'm making it a PRIORITY that i have a backyard (and hardwood floors) in my next home. that way, i can just kick the animals out while we're gone, and only let them in while we're home. and i think i will permanantly make CHANEL AN OUTSIDE CAT. BECAUSE THIS IS JUST GETTING TO BE GOD DAMN RIDICULOUS.

so i was doing laundry. and other important domestic things. like painting my toenails and such. when i hear mewing at the back door. so i walked to the door. and there she was. it had started pouring rain, so she was soaked. absolutely soaked. and her eyes were all wide like she'd witnessed Terrible Things, and she had a twig sticking out of her fur. she ran inside and retreated under the couch.

and i didn't even feel bad.

i hope the next time i put her outside (BECAUSE THERE WILL BE A NEXT TIME) she gets eaten by a hawk. she's so fat she would probably feed a hawk family for a week.

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