i already said Moon was in town. so clearly that meant i was leaving work early on Saturday because i got "sick." and we went to Clinkerdagger happy hour on Friday (which was when the lip slice realllly reopened) and got home and put Cleo in human boots and laughed. then got into bed latelatelate. well yesterday i didn't really think i was going to have to fake sick because i felt awfully hungover and nasty right when i got up. i had to sit with my back against the cold wall for 7 minutes. then i went back to bed until JJ pulled me out and said, "you have to go to work. here, drink this." and he handed me coffee and pushed me towards my toothbrush. i obliged. then i went back into my room, took off my sweatpants, paused, and looked around the room. big sigh. then pulled on dirty brown corduroy pants (why do i always resort to these?!?! they're like my emergency pants. and i have no idea why. i need to throw them out and then they can't be my emergency pants anymore) then i put a cardigan on over my night shirt and went to work.
and found out.....that there's a new computer in the library....AND IT LETS A PERSON GET ON FACEBOOK!!!! omg it's so awesomeeee so i got on facebook for like 15 precious minutes then i erased the computer history and went back to my desk. and i literally do nothing on Saturdays. nothing. so i sat back at my desk. and you know when you're hungover, you just slouch your shoulders and get the shakes? well i was definitely as hunchy as quasimodo, and was shaking like a leaf. i didn't even have the energy to shop online. i just stared at my computer background which is me and JJ on the wedding day looking all lovely. so i just stared and stared. and waited until just the right moment to start doing the sick thing. then the custodian/housekeeper woman (you know, the one whom i had the pleasure of dining with last year? with the shaded man glasses and the plasma needle bruises?) well she came to my desk and started talking to me...then another custodian walked by and she whispered to him, "swshh swhshh down in the courtyard at noon, there's going to be swsh swshhh..." and i couldn't hear the rest. and i was kind of offended because like, come on. i'm sitting right here looking really frail and ugly. why doesn't anyone at least give me a pity invite to this thing in the courtyard?
then i stared some more. i got some energy and used my hand muscles to click my mouse and buy wedding shower gifts for Rah and LJ (!!!) then i got weak and tired again. and stared. then a nurse's aid walked by my desk and said good morning and she walked over to the housekeeper and said, "swsh swsh swsh...courtyard at noon, there's going to be swsh swsh swshh" and i was like OMG WTF?!?! now i'm so annoyed! like, why isn't anyone inviting me?!?! no one likes me. i got really hurt feelings and just kept staring at my computer. isn't that sad?
then something seriously crazy happened. i actually had to work. Col. Findlay in 609 came down to my desk and needed help. WITH. HIS. COMCAST. ACCOUNT. like come ON man, i don't wanna call comcast for youuuuu. puh-leaseeee just give me a break. but i called. the robot voice gave me a wait time of 1 hour, 15 minutes. OMFG. so i got online and live chatted with a representative. and i pretended to be Col. Findlay which was kind of fun because i used old people words like "swell" and "dear". he wanted the sports packaged added to his account so he could watch the gonzaga game. so i instant messaged with a comcast woman who couldn't type english for AN HOUR AND A HALF-----and finally got him the damn sports pacakge. by this time Thais was breathing down my neck to go on lunch break...so i FINALLY went into the bathroom. blew my nose. walked around a little. went poop. put some water on my brow, wiped my blush off my cheeks and grabbed a tissue for extra effect. i walked out of the bathroom lightly dabbing said tissue to my lips. i lied and left.
i felt dishonest and terrible. but i think i'm not the only one who has faked sick before. so i didn't feel so bad. i felt worse about not being invited to the courtyard thing. nobody likes me, everybody hates me, i guess i'll go eat.....ultimate bagel! and that's precisely where me and Moon went. and it's physically impossible not to smile in ultimate bagel. and you know what smiling leads to: the lip slice---REOPENED--AGAIN. dammit.