Sunday, February 28, 2010

the shirt off my back

Barbara in 235 came down this morning with her companion. Barbara said, "i really like your blouse." (BLOUSE!! hahaah) i said thanks and her strange companion with chipmunk teeth said to Barbara, "i bet she would give you the shirt if you asked nicely. in fact, i bet she would give it to you right now!" then she and Barbara looked at me expectantly. i was like WHAT?! LADY ARE YOU NUTS? I'M NOT TAKING OFF MY SHIRT AND GIVING IT TO THIS OLD WOMAN. i laughed a halfway laugh and said, "oh, heh heh. i think i would get in trouble!" and the companion says, "not with the men..." and she was dead serious.


a declaration of independence (of sorts)

friday night was a werid night for me and Rah. it started at a passions party. yes, a passions party. where they sold products called "anal ease" and "nipple slick" so clearly me and Rah laughed like hyenas. i asked Rah if i should buy the green anal beads for JJ, but she thought that might have been too much too soon.

we left early to go to the Chiefs game, whereinwich we obtained 2 beers each. we sat down in our seats and began our decent into pure, blissful chiefdom. not 20 minutes after we sat does Arlene, a burly woman in a horribly unflattering florescent yellow jacket walk up to us and request the proof of our age. she said, "some people were concerned about your age." so we embarrassingly had to give the woman our I.D.s in front of everyone who was staring at us. usually the florescent-yellow-jacket-people kick fans out for rowdy alcholic behavior, so it was really odd and uncomfortable for her to card us. but whatever, we shook off the incident and continued to have fun.

after the game it was only 10 o'clock so we decided to pop into Jack and Dan's for a Frank's Special before heading home. we waltzed in still excited about the Chief's victory and the free chalupas we got because they scored 5 goals. we sat down and the bartender came up to us wearing a crisp white button-down shirt and a TIE (IN A COLLEGE BAR!!!) and told us that we were too drunk for him to serve us. WHAATTT?!?! we were like, "are you serious?? why? because we are too loud and happy to look sober? really???" in college there was many a time when we were served drinks 3 sheets to the wind. WHAT GIVES? so basically the guy told us we had to leave. SO EMBARR. off to the bar across the street we went. where a man who looked like Jesus wearing a purple shirt with Stewie on it let us pick the specials menu for the night. then we ate a bowl of popcorn. then we went home.

but we were mad. as 23 year old women, we should have the right to a. sit down at a hockey game and have a couple of beers, and b. sit down in a bar and order a drink. we were not drunk! why did everyone seriously think we were 17-year-old high school girls who were wasted?? like, sorry we are too yong looking and loud and crazy for you. but REALLY, Arlene and Asshole Bartender In A Tie, come into my home on a random wednesday night and observe me dancing to the Beastie Boys in my snakeskin printed granny panties. and please, go right on over Rah's house after, and watch her as she talks to her dogs and runs around the house in her fiance's socks. i'm sorry we are not two timid idiot girls who whisper and giggle quietly and order motherfudging pina colada. we are loud and fun and have a good time. SHAME ON YOU JACK AND DAN'S FOR BEING RUDE AND JUDGEMENTAL. YOU HAVE FOREVER LOST MY BUSINESS AND MY RESPECT. (lies) AND AS FOR ARLENE? well, that horrid jacket is probably punishment enough.



first of all, my readers are lazy assholes. we need to start running, ok people???? lets promote some all around health!!! after i have d'lish this afternoon of course.

i was channel surfing the other night and came accross a preview for a stupid girl skating movie and i had a flashback to my yesteryear. a flashback that sparked many a memory of my favorite pleather pants from the Gap and my unionbay overals. memories of heartache and sadness, of joy and laughter, of embarrassment and cheer, cake and ice cream. the smell of rotten feet, Lisa Frank sticker machines and the girls bathroom. if you are age 20-24 and lived in the Greater Yakima Area, you know the place...


if you do indeed fall into the demographic mentioned above, you have attended at least 5 birthday parties at skateland, as well as had a class field trip here. you tripped and fell during the muppets version of "Kokomo," you had the time of your god damn life during girls skate to Merril Bainbridge, and you got really sad and may have cried a little in the girls bathroom when Johnathan Aal picked Emily Pratt instead of you during couples skate. I MEAN THERE ARE FEW THINGS IN LIFE WORSE THAN BEING ALONE DURING COUPLES SKATE, ONE OF WHICH IS SPENDING THE NIGHT OF YOUR FIRST HOMECOMING DANCE AT HOME WITH YOUR PARENTS BECAUSE NO ONE ASKED YOU, NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW OR ANYHTING.

oh, Skateland. i had forgotten ALL ABOUT YOU. thanks for making my adolescence unforgettable and awkward.

date with dad.

my ollllll Dad was here on wednesday. we had an asolute blast! i mean crazy fun. his sole purpose for the visit was to go see Avatar with me. JJ could never sit still that long and plus i knew Dad would just enjoy it like a million times more. the movie started at 2:40. so here was our day:

he got here at 10:30 a.m., and like the good daughter i am, i had an ice cold 12-pack of Coors Light in the fridge waiting for him. we left the house at 11 and went to lunch. we returned something for Mom at R.E.I. and he actually asked me if i shopped there. COME ON. we arrived downtown at 11:45. we couldn't believe how fast we had gotten everything done. we popped into the Nordstrom so i could get these bracelets i wanted, then at noon we were at a loss of what to do. i suggested ambercrombie (or as my dad calls is, ambercrombie) and got a couple of basic t-shirts. then i was ambushed by one of their recruiters who asked if i wanted a management position at abercrombie. i politely declined saying, "oh, i'm sorry, i already have a really good job." (HA!!!) at 12:07 we were like SCREW IT LETS GO TO RED ROBIN AND GET A BEER. so we did. and i got ice cream too. then we went back to Nordstrom to get my mom a Marc Jacobs purse (HOW'S LIFE MOM). then we decided to go to Rock City Grill for a beer. then we felt the urge to visit Banana Repulic where i found a $250 purse on sale for $33!! then off to Sawtooth Grill for one more beer! Dad wanted to hit up all the places to eat/drink in the mall. then it was finally time for the movie.

we sat down with our 3D glasses and were totally ready to enjoy! about 15 minutes in i had to pee. i ran and peed so fast and ran back. as soon as i entered the theater i put on my glasses again. DIDN'T WANT TO MISS A SECOND! and as i was walking across the aisle to get back to my seat, i tripped over a guy's legs. he had them up on the seat in front of him. i was literally laying across his legs and i looked up at him and laughed because of the 3D glasses we were both wearing and because of how stupid i am. then i got up and went to continue my way across the aisle. and what do i do? I KICK HIS GOD DAMN FLIP FLOP LIKE 3 ROWS AHEAD OF US. after the movie was over, i made Dad stay seated until flip-flop guy left because i was so embarrassed. as we were going down the escalator, Dad says, "OHMYGOD L!!!" and i'm like WHAT and he said, "HOW IN THE HELL DID WE MISS THIS PLACE?!?!?!" it was Twigs. we forgot to go to Twigs during our beer round.

we went home and fed Cleo then popped on over to the chiefs game. we got a beer and sat down and were having a jolly time watching the players. then JJ comes up to Dad and gives him a gift. it is a Chiefs hockey jersey. after he put it on, he looked quite like a Spokie. all that he was missing was 3 red-headed children and a golden front tooth.

at the end of the second period Dad went to get us another round. it literally took him so long. when he finally arrived he was red as a tomato. turns out he was walking down the stairs just as the Chiefs scored a goal. the crowd went nuts and startled my dad, who threw up his arms and in doing so, dropped his beer. like father like daughter. i get the clumsy doofus gene from him.

we got home that night and sat on the couch. i said, "OMG WHAT A DAY WE HAD! WE LITERALLY DID NOTHING...BUT WE HAD SO MUCH FUN!!"

"i wish i had a flying falcon bird like the Avatars."
"me too, Dad. me too."

Monday, February 22, 2010


you'll notice my weekly poll gives a nod to running. as you know, i do not run. i do NOT run. ever.

BUT Bob in 718 and Larry in 515 both came down on separate occasions and asked me if i was running Bloomsday. i said pshhhhh NO WAY! and they both said, "well i am." i mean. if two 80-year-old men can run the damn thing, then i can!


the skinny black people in the front are the Ethiopians who win every year. we are not in competition with them, OK? just so we're clear.

and so i'm putting together a team. and by team i mean a bunch of people wearing the same t-shirt. i'm taking to my blog to formally invite anyone and everyone to be on our team! our plan is to hire a characature to draw ourselves on a t-shirt (american apparel t-shirt DUH) and we have yet to come up with the right name.

Bloomsday is Saturday, May 1 2010 in Spokane, Washington. and it's like 7 miles or something. my firend KKiss is training everyday and is ready for the challenge of the race! i plan on packing a d'lish cheeseburger without the patty in my fanny-pack for a little snack along the point is, anyone, serious or not about running, is welcome to join. we don't all have to run together. we just want to wear hilar t-shirts and garner attention.

so far on the list of Team Members:
1. me
2. JJ
3. Rah
4. Nebular
5. KKiss
6. R. (KKiss' boyfriend)
7. LJ
8. C. (LJ's fiance)
9. KitKat
10. J. (KitKat's husband)
11. my friend Sabby
12. S. (Sabby's boyfriend)
13. YOU
14. YOU
15. YOU

PLEASE JOIN OUR TEAM!!! here is more information about the race:

and if you don't want to join, at least help us think of a hilarious team name. so far i have:

1. young and out of shape
2. i drank too much last night
3. .....

The Hot Mama

PN came up to me this morning bragging once again about the cruise she's going on with her daughter and son-in-law. only this time she said, "i finally got a bathing suit for my cruiseeeee!" and i was like "ooh, cool. what does it look like?!" she said, "it's an old lady swimsuit and its black and goes down to my thighs and has a white bow on the front. it's from fred meyer." and i said, "OOH, HOT MAMA!" to be nice plus it was really funny in my head bc obvs she's not a hot mama. and she blushed and said, "oh stop. but really, i used to be a hot mama." then she paused and looked thoughtfully up in the air and ran-waddled away. two minutes she came back waving a picture in my face. and there she was. PN's old license. 5'3" 125 pounds. (because obviously i looked) OMG. PN WAS A HOT MAMA. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG



it is SO SUNNY TODAY. HOOORAH! i LOVE it. i have the blinds all the way open with the sun on my back like a motherfudging cat! and everyone who walks to my desk comes up with one eye squinting and their hand up as a visor to shield themselves from the light. you know what i mean? it's something we all do. well except for the few blind people we have here. a couple of people have come up to my desk and said, "GOSH, it sure is bright...." in an attempt to get me to shut them. BUT HELLS NO I WILL NOT SHUT THEM! i'm going to bask in this shit ALL DAY.

JJ's stomach

on Friday JJ got sick. sick sick sick. stomach flu. and i was babysitting when he got home. he called me crying and screaming "OMG HONEY I'M SO SICK I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO" and because he has a bum pancreas, of course i immediately thought: HIS PANCREAS HAS FAILED HIM!!!! but his pancreas is fine. he was just being a total BABY.COM.

and he called me like 9 times when i was working. just sobbing and whimpering and muttering Hail Mary's. i was like OMG I'M WORKING. I'M SO SORRY YOU'RE SICK DEAR HUSBAND BUT PLEASE! I AM BUSY!

i brought him home some 7up and applesauce. he said to me when i walked in the door, "times like these make me love you so much and make me appreciate you as my wife" SO SWEET! but the sweetness didn't last long because there were piles of clothes and towels on the floor. you see, he was dairrhea-ing and barfing at the same time. so a coupla times he didn't make it to the toilet in time. so i just had to wash everything in plain sight. SO NASTY. then he finally passed out on the bed. and i facebooked in silence. then i looked at him. and he had crusty barf and a piece of onion coming out of his nose. I MEAN, that's the "in sickness and in health" part of our vows.

so i slept in the spare room that night. he came in 3 times to whine in the night. he also took a shower at 3 a.m. (wtf??) ppoooooorrrrrr JJ.

the next morning he was like "OMG i'm never eating that stuff again!" i was like "what stuff?" he said "the stuff KitKat's mom made for dinner." (she made us delicious spicy chow mein noodle things that were SO GOOD) and i was like "god DAMMIT JJ. i wanted to ask her for that recipe."

AND, once again, i was around a person who had the stomach flu and i didn't get it myself. i'm like, amazing. my mother can tell me how unhealthy i eat all she wants, but i have the immune system of HERCULES!

Lent 2010

Ash Wednesday was last week. JJ, KitKat and i went to church. as i mentioned previously, KitKat and i were out shopping on Wednesday. i did not, however, mention that we STOPPED AT LOVERS PACKAGE THE SEX SHOP TO BUY PENIS-THEMED ITEMS FOR LJ'S BACHELORETTE. to we went to a sex shop then went straight to church. like, the penis things were in the car while we were in the House of God. forgive us, Father.

so, JJ gave up sweets for Lent. and i was going to follow suit, as was KitKat, but then i wondered: "you, it's God's fault that i have my period. and when i'm on my period ima gonna crave some chocolate. so would that count as breaking Lent??" i mean, seriously?!?!?!?!? i caved and ate 6 cookies and KitKat unashamedly had 3 cupcakes. so we lose.

in the end i decided to give up shopping for new clothes. GAH! might as well die. so far so good. i have only spent money on groceries and wine. and it's going great!! except i had to start one day late bc i found some good deals at Forever21. i mean, you know, you gotta do what you gotta do!

the ghostbuster shit

i can't believe it's been a whole week since my last post. i was just SO NOT IN THE MOOD to write. but the good news is, i'm back to blogging at work. i figure that since i won't be here much longer, WHO THE F CARES?!?!? right??? anyway, where shall i begin????

oh yes. the ghostbuster shit.

my dear and oldest friend KitKat was here last Tues, Wed and Thurs for a visit! so fun. we shopped, and lazed and ate. so great!!

but on Wednesday when we got home from a day out, i took Cleo to go poopoo and it was so green it practically glowed in the dark. LIKE SO GREEN. i was worried. so i called The Sultan Vet. and took a sample of said lime green shit into be analyzed. the verdict? "the dog must have eaten something man-made. that color is not a natural color. did she maybe get into crayons? a toy? i would suggest you go home and look for green things and keep them away from her." crimany. but $35 was all it cost! that's the cheapest visit yet!! what a dream!

the next day we were not so lucky to have Cleo poo outside. i scrubbed and scraped at the ghostbuster shit on the carpet, but to no avail.

we now have glow in the dark ghostbuster green toxic sludge stains in the carpet. nice. i told JJ, WELL AT LEAST THEY'RE NOT BROWN. the green makes us look cool kinda, like scientists.

BUT we figured out what she ate: a green bone. that was supposed to clean her teeth. but it actually cleaned out her intestines.

Monday, February 15, 2010

movie theater lighting.

JJ and i went to the movies on friday night. we saw valentine's day. cute flick. anyway, as the lights dimmed, i saw some people struggling to get to their seats. and i was reminded of a movie theater story...

on a date (circa late 2008) with JJ, we went to the movies. and i wore heels. we got there about 10 minutes late so it was really dark and we were trying to be so quiet. and you know how they "conveniently" have lights that make it "easier" to climb up the stairs?? WELL THE LIGHTS ARE COMPLETELY USELESS AND NOT HELPFUL IN THE LEAST BIT. they just mess with my brain and my eyes and confuse me to the fullest extent. so i got really dizzy, and stepped wrong and twisted my ankle (CURSE YOU HEELS!!) and literally ate shit. my shins hit the stairs and i yowled. YOLWED like a coyote caught in a trap. and JJ was so embarrassed by my incessant cries that he just said SHHHH and only half-assed helped me up. and everyone looked at us. and a few snickered. i mean, it hurt SO BAD. but JJ told me i was being a baby. so we sat down and enjoyed the movie. when we got into the car, i pulled up my jeans and showed my unsympathetic and uncompassionate fiance the dried blood streaks on my shins.

they really ought to do something about the lighting in the movie theater.

PAIGE! @$&%

there is the brand of denim that i love. paige. i love the jeans because the designer is one of the only women who designs women's jeans. most women's jeans are designed by men. paige makes her jeans long and lean. and they look fabulous on your ass. invest in a pair. they're magnificent.


i went to nordstrom rack last week and found a pair of paige jeans, light colored and distressed, for only $20!! (usually they're $180-$230 so i got a great deal!) i immediately decided to buy them. they were my size and everything! so exciting!

i brought them home and pulled them out of the bag. JJ was sitting on the couch watching me. i said, "LOOKIE!!! PAIGE JEANS ONLY $20!!!" and he was like great. so i pulled down my pants to try the new ones on. O.M.G. shit. SHIT. couldn't get them over my ass. COULD NOT GET THE JEANS OVER MY ASS. literally. i looked at JJ with furrowed worried eyebrows and he was like well maybe you aren't that size anymore. pause. stare. glare. IS HE FUDGING SERIOUS?!?! like, OHMYGOD. HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT. HE'S BASICALLY ASKING ME TO CRUNCH HIS BALLS WITH MY FIST.

SHUT THE HELL UP YES I AM THE SAME SIZE!! DON'T SAY RUDE THINGS!!!!!! I AM NOT FATTER!!! and to prove my point i stomped into my closet and got my other pairs of paige jeans that DO fit, and showed him the size tag.


so the next day i went back to the nordstrom rack and got those god forsaken jeans out of my life. i exchanged them for a t-shirt and a new headband.

i am still the same size. ghod. those paige jeans didn't fit because they weren't made of stretchy denim. and they are so small. that's why they didn't sell in the regular nordstrom. they are too small for a 5-year-old. well, that is what i am telling myself.

don't mess with me twit

some little twit from Eastern Washington University dared to defy me on Sunday, Feb. 7. i hate her.

Humans Outrank Animals

In the letter titled “Animal care ignored” (Jan. 30), L expressed her anger and disgust toward the city of Spokane due to the rejection of a tax that would “expand animal protection.” She also questioned why animal rights issues do not get as much attention from councilmen and women as other issues.

I believe that Hansen would know the answers to her own questions if she took a look at the current economy. Times are tough for everyone, not just animals. The field of education, for example, has been greatly affected by increases in tuition. As a student, I have felt these effects firsthand.

While I agree with Hansen’s emotional plea for animal rights (I currently have four pets and have had several other pets throughout my life), I believe that in this day and age, rights for man or woman’s best friend are just not as important as things like education and health care.

As important as animals are to humans through their services as guide animals and companions, I believe that their rights should come after those of humans.

Azaria C. Podplesky

Sunday, February 14, 2010

The Remote Control Sliding License Plate Cover

you know when you get a gooooood idea and all you want to do is get the patent for it so that you can be famous and then all of a sudden the product that you were thinking of comes out because someone else thought of it too but they weren't too lazy to actually get the product on an infomercial...??? you totally know what i'm saying right??

well i thought of an idea. and i have had this idea for about 5 years, and no one has come out with it yet. so i thought i would share with you what it is....

it's a product for gangsters, drug dealers, mobsters and the like. basically it's a Remote Control Sliding License Plate Cover. this would come in handy during police chases. the driver would push a red button and a stainless steel, grated plate would come down over the license plate of the getaway vehicle, and cover it, so the police couldn't track the criminals.

the getaway cars would have to be generic cars, so as not to give themselves away. (i.e. my product would not work on the owner of a hot pink jacked up chevy. during a police chase, if use of the remote control license plate cover was executed, the police could still say "follow the hot pink jacked up chevy" whereas, if it was a black SUV, i mean, there are thousands of black SUVs, they wouldn't know which one to track.) follow me?

obviously, i have a tough market to tap into, and i'm not even sure my perspective audience would take ideas from a skinny white girl who likes hello kitty and Glee. BUT, i think my idea is pretty cool and could be quite helpful in the event of criminal escape. i might have some trouble with the law as well if i really go through with all of this. so, i'm still just thinking about it.

what creative things did you make up that you want to patent??

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

the verdict

cleo has gastroenteritis.

she gets to eat like a king on a diet of boiled chicken, rice and cottage cheese. 2T of food every 3 hours. 1 ML of medicine twice a day and doggie immodium once a day.

pooooooor baby.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

cleo's butt

yesterday i got home from work only to walk in the door to a horrid stench. then i noticed a brown stripe in the carpet. then i looked at the culprit. the culprit had diarrhea stuck to her bum. dsjfsdjlfjlskfdlfsdj. so we showered together.and i spot shotted the carpet. then i went to Rah's. and we made totally awesome pizza from scratch yesterday (!!!!) well, CP made the pizza dough but we made the tomato sauce and we put all the toppings on and it was SO GOOD. like SO GOOD. the best thing ever. and we are all eating the leftovers for lunch today! the problem was the wine that we drank when making the pizza. all of a sudden 2 bottles were gone and we were drunk as skunks.

JJ had to leave early this morning. at 5:30 a.m., and after he left i was OUT COLD face down in the bed, so i hadn't noticed that Cleo jumped down to go to the bathroom. obviously i was otherwise engaged so i didn't let her out the door.

when i did finally roll out of bed i had to hold onto the wall for balance. i was dizzy and spinny and i had the shakes. baaaad shakes. i walked to the kitchen to get a water bottle out of the fridge and realized that i just didn't have the strength to open it. i pulled and it didn't open. instead, i lost my balance and fell backwards, my foot landing in something wet. a giant mixed pile of bloody diarrhea and pee. just so we're clear on how bad my life sucks.

so i googled "my dog has bloody diarrhea" and the possibilities aren't so great. she may have Hemorrhagic Gastroenteritis, Parasites or Pancreatitis. SERIOUSLY!?!?! one family member with pancreatitis is enough!!! on all the websites it says "any time blood appears in the stool should be considered a medical emergency, and the dog should see a veterinarian immediately.

so i called JJ on my way to work and he has to take the old gal to the Sultan Robber Vet so he can build another palace with the money he makes from treating Cleo today.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

just plain bad luck

ok seriously. it's not even funny anymore. we were sold a defect dog. A DEFECT DOG. JJ and i spent the hours of 2-6 a.m. running around the house like mad, trying to help poor Cleopatra. you see, she got diarrhea and was also vomiting. she made it outside everytime aside from one diarrhea pool by the front door and a barf in the bed. each time JJ took her outside to relieve herself i would have to wash her butt and dry her, and JJ cleaned the rrhea while i stripped the sheets from the bed and washed them. one time Chanel tripped JJ and he fell to the ground and it was so funny because he was so mad and it was dark and the middle of the night. i laughed at him, but it just made him even more mad. hahahahahhahah

we ended up on the couches at 4:30 a.m. and Chanel thought we were having a party because everyone was up at her devilish hour so she was jumping around mewing and trying to be the center of attention. we stayed on the couches until my dreadful alarm clock went off for work this morning. what a night, i tell ya. and if the problems don't clear up, we will have no other choice than to take her to The Robber (i.e. the vet, who is living like a sultan solely off the money he's earned from treating the Cs) tomorrow morning. i mean, i have added it all up, and in the last two months alone, we have spent almost $800 at the vet, that could have easily bought the Dior coffee table book that i wanted, and then some. by the time he's done with Cleo tomorrow, we probably will have spent the same amount of money as the price of a down payment on that boat JJ wanted.

somewhat luckily, Rah and Nebular had a similar problem with Benjamin Pierre last week. the vet gave him anti-diarrheal and put him on a strict diet of boiled chicken and rice. i think we might just shove an immodium down Cleo's throat and give her a nice chicken and rice feast. what do you think?

p.s. well, while i am here nodding off to sleep because of the insanity inside the M.H. last night, i started to go a little crazy. it is taking all of my will power not to run out here naked screaming profanities and vandalizing property in an act of solidarity.

93 more days. I CAN DO IT.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

boat show

JJ has been talking about going to this boat show with Nebular for a week now. he keeps saying I'M GOING TO THE BOAT SHOW WITH NEBULAR THIS WEEKEND!!! and i'm all I KNOW JJ YOU TOLD ME 8 MILLION TIMESSSS!!!! he kept saying that Nebular was probably going to get a boat and that he himself wanted to go along with Neb to watch and witness. and i was like OMG POOR RAH.....but secretly i was kind of excited because, i mean, how FUN would it be to be the couple with Friends Who Have A Boat. and we could get CLeo a little pink lifejacket and i have the perfect sperry boat shoes and linen yachting pants and i could dress JJ in a nautical themed outfit with a striped Ralph Lauren tee and white pants and a sailor hat and it would be so much fun to hang out all summer on the boat with our friends!

well today is boat show day. and i got a text message from JJ at 12:08 p.m.

"babe can we please buy a boat?"


pasta roma

i was feeling quite domestic this week since it was so easygoing. since CP always makes dinner for JJ and me, i thought i would return the favor. and make her the delish dish (a Hansen favorite) of pasta roma! and i made extra. for Rah and Nebular AND another dish of it for me and JJ!! all in one day i did that. i was very proud. and i bought special pet stain remover from the vet to remove Chanel Waste once and for all. AND i got caught up on the laundry. AND i vacuumed. and THEN i even made chicken salad. and i made a sandwich out of it and took it to JJ for lunch one day. WOW! LOOK AT ME!

i had pasta roma for dinner last night. and i had pasta roma for lunch today. and i plan on having pasta roma for dinner tonight. domesticity might not be so bad! i love all of the pasta roma!!!!

but there is one thing: the dirty secrets that were revealed to me today at lunch over the pasta roma were not readily welcomed.

i can't figure out if i have diarrhea from all the pasta roma or from the information that i acquired this afternoon while eating it.

staying low

today, at my delightful RW job, the following happened:

1. while i was in the library on the computer checking my facebook, a maintenance guy was like "OHMYGOD you better get off that because employees are not supposed to use this computer." i was like "uh, no one told me that, i'm not worried." he was like "DUDE THEY CAN TRACK wherever you go in the server room downstairs a guy just got fired because he was looking at porn and got caught." HOLY SHIT!!!! I ERASED THE HISTORY AND GOT OFF FB FASTER THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW. i don't want the CEO to see me in my bathing suit. or with a beer in my hand. or anything of the sort. NO. WAY. NO!!

2. i got back to my desk feeling fully creeped out. like totally. if they can track where i've been, then they can see my blog. HOLY SHIT. i talk shit about my job on this blog. i talk shit about the people i work with on this blog. shit shit damn. FUDGE! so i googled my own name to see what comes up. no facebook. no blog. marriage announcement, twitter account (totally PG and fine), 8th grade science project (wtf?) and that brand LaCie that manufactures printers. phew. then i thought WAIT A MINUTE and i typed in it came up. RW unblocked i think to track me. they are tracking me. OMG they are trying to track my life!!!!!! they are spying on me to see what i do. so i made a little personal vow to do nothing online at work but shop.

3. lunch break incident number one. while i am eating some leftover pasta roma, an argument between a guy and his ex wife who BOTH WORK AT RW ensues. about their son's car. and money. and i'm just sitting there trying to be quiet and unnoticeable.

4. lunch break incident number two. i learn that another person from RW has been fired. her boyfriend was a drug dealer and they got busted by the cops and it was all over the news.

5. lunch break incident number three. i learn that yet another person was fired. for selling $1,000 worth of Avon products to a woman with dimentia.

6. lunch break incident number four. i learn that two people who work here has a lover's quarrel (i.e. domestic dispute) this morning. he kicked down the door to her apartment and pushed her to the ground and screamed at her.

now i am sitting here at my desk. shocked. and filled with stories. and all i want to do is write a blog about my discoveries today, but instead i have to type it all our in a word document, print it, then delete it all.

from now on i cannot ever write blogs from work. i can only type them up and print them out, only to retype them at home and post. it's too risky to email them to myself for later copying and pasting. i do not know the kind of power RW has, and i am not about to find out. i talked to Sam for advice and she told me that i'm probably off the radar, you know, what with the porn and drugs and stealing form elderly women and domestic violence (OMFG WHERE AM I?!?!? IN JAIL?!?!?!) s little blog about my lame little life or a picture of me scantily clad hardly seems to be a matter of importance. but Sam also told me to watch my back. and that will definitely take effect, starting now. no more risks for this receptionist extraordinaire. no risks at all. these are dark times, i have to stay low.


by the looks of it, my readers either have never peed their pants, or have been multiple offense pants peeers.(yes, three "e"s)

i like the cold cut honesty of my readers. thank you for your answers. the truth is, peeing your pants is something that is just as much a part of life as eating lunch. when something is really really funny, sometimes you just have to pee a little.

to those of you who have never peed your must never have laughed hard enough. i don't know whether or not i should be offended that my blog hasn't caused you to do so. BUT, i can guarantee you that a night out on the town with me will result in a tinkle in the panties. so dear readers, please feel free to take me up on my offer to make you pee your pants, at any time. and for those of you who are multiple offenders, let the yellow flow!

keep laughing,

the truth about my nose

i've always been a little self-conscious about the size of my nose. i mean, it's not ogre-sized or anything, it's just a little bigger than i would like. i'm not going to get it surgically fixed, i just like to make sure that in pictures, i turn my head just the right way, so that my real beauty is captured without the size of my nose daunting the photograph.

and i have great friends and family and a nice husband who all tell me that my nose is fine. blah blah blah. i KNOW IT'S FINE but it's a little big. truly, it's just a bit big.

well, i finally got confirmation of my nose's true size. someone was FINALLY HONEST about it. and i can't say that i am mad about it. no, shocked is more the word. because the only one who was honest about it was Rah and Nebular's new puppy.

on Wednesday after jazzercise, Rah and i were eating alphabet pasta (because we like words. we are word people) and drinking wine. then we moved to the couch and started chatting. and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, came Frankie flying through the air. i watched him. he was coming towards me. and he latched onto my honker. like my nose was so big and playful looking that he decided to jump up and bite it. i was like OUCH FRANKIE. then it hit me. ohmygod. my nose REALLY IS BIG. BIGGER THAN I THOUGHT. frankie totally thought it was a toy. and he tried to chew on it. he thought a toy was sticking out of my face, when really it was my nose.

and i kind of got hurt feelings. especially after he did it a second time. BUT, i was thankful that someone finally had the guts to tell me the truth.

hi, my name is L and i have a big nose.

the solo movie goer in yoga pants.

this week has been pretty mundane for me...i have had a lot of time off, so yes, i went to two movies alone this week. two days in a row. one movie thursday, one movie friday. the first was "When in Rome" which is so awful and terrible, and not even kind of worth paying the money to see. the second was Nicholas Sparks' "Dear John" which made me weep. the last time i weeped that badly in a movie theater was when i went to "The Notebook" (another N. Sparks) with my high school friend Elise the summer of 2003. i was wearing shorts. and i had no place to wipe my tears other than my bare legs. after "Dear John" was over, i was so embarrassed to walk out of the theater alone with a blotchy face and red eyes. i was still crying a little bit when it ended. anyway, the real story of this blog is what happened after the movie.

i went to pay for my parking, and it was the SAME NERDY GUY as thursday. i was like oh shit, this is so embarrassing. like, he totally knows i'm such a loser. because who goes to two movies by themselves on two consecutive days? and he WOULD KNOW because if you give them your movie ticket you get $1 off the parking fee. so i paused a little but in the end, stayed resilient.

on thursday the guy looked at my movie ticket and he said "how was the film?" i was like film? what? why did he say film like an old man? but i said "terrible. it was so awful. poorly made." and he was like "yeah, i would have guessed that about this movie. it looked predictable." i was like "YEAH I KNOW. IT TOTALLY WAS. THANKS BYE" but i was kind of offended. like, don't judge me for going to this movie, guy. he was a total rude nerd.

so on friday, i saw him sitting there and i was like SHIT NOT HIM AGAINNNN he totally is going to remember me. sdkljfsjaldflsfjka but i wanted that one dollar off parking dammit. so i went up to him. and sighed. he was like "how was your movie this time?" i was like "good. thanks." then he went off on a tangent about this comic book movie marathon that him and his friend wanted to go see, clearly he was trying to impress me with his alien robot gigapet digimon knowledge. and there was a line forming behind me of people who just wanted to pay and GTFOOT. and i was one of them.

there i was, a solo movie goer, standing at the parking pay station in THE SAME yoga pants i wore the day before to the movies, while getting HIT ON by the nerdy cashier.


what britney does to me

last week i bought: the Britney Spears singles c.d. which has her newest single "123" on it (is also a jazzercise song, so it's extra awesome) and i feel so cool while driving in my car playing the c.d. and bobbing my head to the beat with my sunglasses on. Britney's music makes me feel SO COOL. it makes me feel like i actually can live up to the definition of my name on

"An all around amazing girl. Faithfull, loving, and amazing. Is a beast in the sheets and on the streets. Runs her hood."

i totally feel like i run my hood when Britney's tunes are boomin from my bombass car stereo system.

i will not die by choking on tums.

if you know me, you are aware that i keep a costco-sized tums container (berry flavors--NOT citrus) next to my bed. because most nights i have a stomach ache before bed. i pop a coupla tums and i'm feeling 100% in no time. the only problem is i have to sneak the tums. i have to sneak them like i imagine drug lords sneak in cocaine to the U.S. from columbia. BECAUSE IF I GET CAUGHT BY JJ EATING A TUMS IN BED, HE TOTALLY FREAKS OUT. like he panics and makes me sit up and chew and swallow them. he is afriad my death will be by choking on tums while laying down in bed. like he doesn't worry about me driving, or chopping onions or running outside to chase Cleo barefoot...he worries about me eating tums in bed. COME ON JJ, i'm 23, not 7. i can handle chewing on a tums or two in bed.

well the other night he made salmon and gnocchi for dinner. obvious stomach ache for me. so i had two tums right before bed. i was laying there, and i reached over and grabbed them so quietly, you'd think i was a super sleuth. i placed the two tums ever so gently and delicately into my mouth. i took a peek at JJ, he was watching Jay Leno intensely. so i sucked on the tums for a couple of minutes, then i laughed at something Jay said. and wouldn't you know it? one of the soggy tums slid down my throat and i coughed and wheezed. i sat up and JJ whipped his head around to face me. he said L, WAS THAT YOU CHOKING ON A TUMS?!?!?!? and i said no, it was me choking on my own saliva. he was like DON'T LIE TO ME!!! and i was all ok FINE yes, i choked for like, 1 second on a tums. SORRY, GHOD. CALM DOWN. so he made me sit up and finish chewing it. only i tricked him and pretended to chew. out of pure principle. i mean, it's so ridiculous that he gets all freaked out about me eating tums in bed. IT'S SO WEIRD. like just let me fix the acid and gas in my stomach in peace, PLEASE. so i tricked him. and i snuggled into bed, one soggy tum still in my mouth. and 3 minutes later when i took my first small bite, he just screamed my name, "L!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

well, i'm sorry but that's what you get for bossing me. no one bosses me.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

the Cs

looking chic in the Juicy legwarmers.

looking deranged.

the pink chandelier lamp

my Uncle E commented on the blog below about my new mirrored chest...and he wanted the story on the pink lamp. and QUITE a story it is...

as i have stated many times before, i lived alone junior year. well, if you don't count Chanel. ah, those were the glorious days when money magically appeared in my account on the first of the month (thanks, mom & dad). the days long before credit cards and 40-hour work weeks.

but even back then, my heart belonged to TJ Maxx. i spotted the pink chandelier lamp there for $70. (a little steep, but OMG so worth it). i was with two of my friends and i just Had To Have That Lamp. but it was the end of the month, and i didn't have $70 in my bank account, are you kidding me? i had important things to buy like beer and cat litter. so this is what i had to do when i didn't have enough money in my account to buy a $70 lamp: i had to call my parents, beg beg beg them that OMG I HAVE HAVE HAVE TO HAVE THIS LAMP IT'S, LIKE, THE MOST PERFECT LAMP EVER AND IT BELONGSSSSSS IN MY APARTMENT PRETTY PLEASEEEEEEEEE I NEVER ASK FOR ANYTHING EVERRRRRR!!! and then if my parents were in a good mood (like they were that day), and felt like spoiling me, they would promise to put sufficient funds in my account. that day, at TJ Maxx, after i got off the phone with my parents, i marched happily up to the counter with my lamp (very much in the same manner as i did with the mirrored chest. only someone else wheeled the chest up to the counter for me), and i totally saw the jealous stares of shoppers as i passed by with my treasure. i then proceeded to write a bad check to TJ Maxx. (because, come on, my parents didn't get the $70 in my account THAT quickly) and i walked out with such a feeling of satisfaction, it was AMAZING!

and that lamp traveled with me to all the places i moved. and every place i have lived, i have gotten compliments on it. my sister M was so jealous of my lamp that she bought herself the same one, only it's not pink, it's translucent clear. everyone loves my lamp. EXCEPT JJ.

he hates that thing with a passion. when we moved in together, he was like GET THAT THING OUTTA MY HOUSE. and i was all NO I LOVE IT. IT'S MINE. IF YOU CAN HAVE YOUR DODGERTOWN USA STREET SIGN UP I CAN HAVE MY LAMP. and he was like NO. I DON'T WANT THAT THING UP IN THE HOUSE, L IT'S SO PINK AND GIRLY AND STUPID....and the arguing continued. hence the solution of the conflicted gender spare room. where the pink lamp and the dodgertown USA sign resided together in harmony. UNTIL YESTERDAY. i was going to buy a new lamp to put on the mirrored chest, but alas! i remembered, i already had THE PERFECT LAMP OMG! and how great does it look there? i mean, just effing fabulous. and JJ got home from playing recreational hockey, just as i was polishing the lamp. he merely cleared his throat before walking all heavily and stormy into the bathroom to take a shower. he didn't say a word because he knows i would say UM EXCUSE ME, JJ BUT I HAVE BEEN SWEATING AND CLEANING AND REARRANGING (AND MAKING HOMEMADE TORTILLA CHIPS [!!!!]) ALL EVENING WHILST YOU WERE OFF PRANCING ABOUT ON A SLAB OF ICE, DON'T TEST ME.

the lamp stays.



you'll never believe my luck! i don't even have a rabbit's foot! i just got old fashioned lucky!!

i went to a different TJ Maxx....guess what was there?!?!?!?!!?

MY MIRRORED CHEST! they had one there. so i ran to the back and i bought it instantly. the only problem was the M.H. it's seriously a shoebox. so we had to get rid of a piece of furniture in order to fit the chest in. then JJ and i seriously sweat and yelled and heaved and hoed and FINALLY, everything is into place. barely in there. but there.

the picture is of me and JJ on Wedding Day looking quite Hollywood. and there is a bowl of red hearts for Valentine's Day.

isn't she a BUTE?!?!?!?! my needs have finally been fulfilled.

Monday, February 1, 2010

the FedEx man knows my secret

my two jobs are like polar opposites. being an egghead receptionist at a retirement community with OLD PEOPLE and being a caregiver for YOUNG PEOPLE. i wear two completely different hats. like a sunday hat for tea with the queen and a sombrero. the two places of employment are a 7 minute drive from eachother, but i never thought the two paths of seperate worlds would collide....

last week while babysitting, the doorball rang. Buster and Willie the poodles yipped and yapped and baby P cried. S yelled "SOMEONE'S HERE" and M turned the TV up louder. the point is, it was a littttttle hectic. and i feel like i looked kind of like Tarzan just gave me a piggyback ride through the jungle. but i managed to answer the door. it was the FedEx man. no biggie. i signed for the package and i was like thanksbyeeee and shut the door in an attempt to protect him from the circus performance inside the house.

well today at RW, i was sitting at my desk, in my black slacks and grey vest, shirt tucked in, hair pulled back from my face, looking all professional like, posture straight, typing important things (i.e. gmail chatting with Moon), smiling pleasantly and answering the phones. i heard someone come up to my desk, and when i turned around to greet him/her with my mega-watt award-winning retirememt community smile, who was there but the SAME FEDEX MAN WHO SAW ME AT MY SOMBRERO HAT JOB. here i was, wearing my sunday tea with the queen hat, and i was hoping maybe he would't recognize me, you know, without the greasy snaggly hair, baby spit-up stain on my shirt and booger swiped across my neck. but NO. he recognized me straight away. he was like "how do you manage to find time to work with 3 kids at home?!" he was genuinely shocked. i had to explain to him that "no im not a working mom, i actually just have to weird part-time jobs, but hey! they pay the bills, you know? heh heh heh..." wink wink, elbow nudge. he just gave me the half-smile and backed away from my desk.

the FedEx man knows my secret. he has seen me in action in my two different hats. even my own husband hasn't witnessed that before. i feel entirely too intimate with the FedEx man.
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