Friday, June 11, 2010

the ocean is a dirty thief

i'm so terrible about writing blogs on a frequent basis. we are actually really truly busy. i promise. and plus i just haven't felt like writing (GASP!)

catching up:

we went to San Diego so my mom could run the rock n' roll marathon...and JJ, sisters M and CA, and M's boyfriend C split the marathon into a relay race. my mom tied with the team.

anyway, it was so fun. my idea of vacation is basically doing not a god damn thing but eating/drinking/reading/laying. my mom and sisters are like crazy. there always has to be SOME THING to do. the first non-L thing we did was play wiffle ball on the beach. i was like "OK i can do's been a few years since i've swung the bat, but i can do it." and it was fun, we had a really good time! truly! then i woke up the next day and literally felt so sore. SO SORE. how embarrassing is that??? i'm sore from playing a pretend baseball game. then i was informed that we were going to la jolla to rent kayaks KAYAKS. i hate nothing more than being in the ocean. you just don't know what's under there. because the fat lady in the inner tube here would be me.

so we rent the damn kayaks. and we go out onto the water and JJ is yelling at me to paddle harder and i'm like DO NOT TEST ME RIGHT NOW. it's cold, i'm in a kayak, i'm wearing a smelly old used life jacket, and i hate the ocean. so we paddle about the area and i decide it's time to be done. we paddle in and all of a sudden a giant giant 500 foot wave comes and turns over the boat.

okay. the boat is now capsized and i'm in the cold salty ocean water.

my first instinct is to put my hands to my face to protect my second favorite pair of sunglasses. gucci ones. and since i am essentially an instinctual animal, i protected my expensive eyewear. and then that evil fudging kayak decided to land on my head and knock me yet again underwater. the pain searing through my skull forced me to let go of my beloved sunglasses and reach for my head. i realize the fatal mistake and reached down to grab the glasses. i hooked my pinky around them while the boat hits me again. i lost my grasp on the guccis and they were gone. i then got angry in a Hulk-like fashion, popping out of the water in slow motion with my mouth open in angst, ripping my life jacket off and setting free the beast in me. i screamed and stomped out of the water, hateful and seeing stars from my near-death blow(s) to the head.

i instantly started crying because
a. i never wanted to go kayaking in the first place.
b. the sea took my dignity and my second favorite pair of sunglasses that i am too poor to replace.
c. my head mother fudging hurts.

my family was not far behind and they thought the whole scene of my battle with the ocean as funny. until they saw that i was sunglasses-less and angry and wounded. my parents went and bought my asprin and ice while the rest of my asshole family went to a delicious frozen yogurt shop which i obviously couldn't enjoy because i am allergic to milk.

i pouted the entire way home, because COME ON, i couldn't even find the situation kind of funny. i got back to the condo and took a 30 minute shower, taking all the hot water for myself.

and now i have a sad empty gucci sunglasses holder and a broken heart.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Readers, I just had to verify that this incident did go exactly as described (except of course the "near death" part). It was SOOO much fun to be on the sea in kayaks!


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