Tuesday, June 15, 2010

spider scary

you know when something scares you reallllly bad? just one split second of pure dread shutters through your body and you can feel your stomach doing a flipflop and your heart almost stops. you are too scared to even breathe or speak but then you realize that it was just your cat rustling around under the bed....or a spider.

one time i was relaxing on the couch reading a book at my parents house (age 19) and i felt a horrible stinging pinch on my wrist. i looked down and a spider was crawling off my arm and down the couch. i was too slow to kill him and so he got off scott-free. my wrist ballooned and i had to go to the doctor to get a shot, that bastard spider. for about 2 weeks following the incident all these terrible spiders kept taunting me. i was at a friends house and a spider dropped down from the ceiling in front of my face. i'm not even being dramatic. it dropped down on a long piece of silk and scared the hell out of me. then a few days later a black widow BLACK WIDOW was found in the sandbox at the daycare i worked at. the spiders were haunting me and i kept dreaming of them at night and picturing them eating me. so i was really really scared for a while.

now every time i see a spider (or think i see a spider) i get that horrible feeling of scared dread. BUT i haven't seen a real or fake spider in a long long LONG time, so that terrified feeling hasn't overcome my entire body in a long time either.

until yesterday morning.

JJ has been waking up really early lately to work out before work. he wakes up, makes a coffee, catches like 5 mins of the news and goes to the gym. i had heard him wake up and make the coffee. and then i heard silence to i slunk out of bed to pee. my eyes were half open and i was not planning on being awake. i just wanted to pee and go back to sleep. so i slunk to the bathroom, thinking i was all alone in the home. but when i entered the bathroom the horrible spider-sighting feeling of pure terror and fear seared throughout my entire being. for there, right in front of me, was my husband silently sitting on the toilet taking a dump. it was truly spider-scary. it woke me right up and then i yelled at him for being so creepily quiet in there, and that it wasn't fair that he scared me and then i got really mad because i had to pee and we only have one toilet. it was anger for no reason, you know? just like when your dad jumps out from behind the door and scares the shit out of you, you slur-yell at him to GO TO HELL YOU ASSWIPER because he scared the words out of you but you feel the need to scream so you just yell the first thing you think even if it's so stupid.

so i realize that i am standing there in a tshirt and underwear yelling at an innocent man on the toilet. but i yelled and i yelled at poor JJ for scaring me and he was just staring at me like "hey crazy lady, like get out of here i'm trying to take a shit" so i just screamed one last scream for emphasis and ran back to bed. JJ flushed and lit a match and walked into the room and said, "L, i'm here. i'm in the room, just wanted to let you know so you won't be scared. and the bathroom is ready now." so i walked in there to pee finally, and what do i see out of the corner of my eye? a dreadful black spider on the carpet of my bedroom. the fear instilled itself in me again. so i yelled again.

upon closer inspection, it was just a piece of black string.

that bastard spider ruined my life.

1 comment:

  1. i fudging hate spiders. HATE THEM!!!
    and snakes... eww


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