yesterday i took M, S and 3 of their friends (yes that's 5 children in total) to Coeur d'Alene for the day to go to a pirate themed birthday party in which we boarded a pirate themed cruise around the lake. insanity ensued. it was quite fabulous--i recommend it if you're in the area, and my tip is to make a jaunt on over to the jolly roger bar for a jolly stiff drink.
on the way there, we pass The Nut Factory, (it exists, click here) to be funny i said, "OH HEY GUYS! LOOKIE THERE! IT'S THE NUT FACTORY!! MAYBE I SHOULD DROP YOU OFF THERE, YA CRAZY NUTS!" and i mean the kids laughed like it was the funniest joke ever. and i'm feelin pretty good since my joke was so great and popular.
anyway, so i shuffled 5 children to the party, on and off the pirate boat, and i was struggling like a kid on the first day of fat camp, sweat dripping from every orifice creating the most intense case of swamp ass of my life....
(swamp ass definition courtesy of urbandictionary.com below)
A common condition in which the ass crack and crotch becomes overly moist, sweaty, and stinky from one or all of the following:
- sweating on a hot day
- not bathing enough
- long day of work, sports, play
- incomplete wipe due to rush or laziness
The crack will often feel squishy, wet, unpleasant, and itchy. It is recommended to take a bath with soap to sanitize the condition.
basically i was dying. especially walking back to the car. and i hear from the side of my ear a poorly peroxided blonde whisper to her husband "oh my GOSH, look at her, she's not even paying attention." and i'm like LADY ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME I HAVE 5 CHILDREN HANGING FROM MY ARM LIKE THE GAME WHERE THOSE MONKEYS COME IN A BUCKET AND I HAVE THE WORST SWAMP ASS EVER IN LIFE, NOT TO MENTION I SERIOUSLY AM REGRETTING MY CHOICE OF FOOTWEAR (cowboy boots) IN THIS 95 DEGREE HEAT. FUDGE OFF! but instead of going off, i stayed cool. i just ushered the children in the general direction of the car, dodging between them to protect them from the rif-raf of Idaho driving through the parking lot.
then i look over. and. S. is. holding. a. seagull. feather. I MEAN COME ON. BIRD FEATHERS ARE THE GROSSEST THINGS EVER OHMYGHOD. they are so nasty and germ-filled and horrific. and he's like presenting it to me, as a gift. "L!!! L!!! LOOK WHAT I FOUND!!!" so i panic-shouted "EW S! THAT IS GRODY! ICKY DIRTY! PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW!" and blonde bimbo whispers to her husband "oh, so NOW she looks..." and before i could punch her in the belly and rip off her husband's toupee, i gave the children one last push into the car.
so by the time i buckled the last wretched seatbelt, wiped the last chocolaty mouth with a baby wipe and threw the five sets of 8000-piece party favor bags into the car, i had practically lost my mind. completely. and to top off all of that stress, a car was sitting like a shark waiting to take my parking spot. so i backed out and slowly headed to the exit.
"S!!!! OHMYGOD S!!! IS THE BACK END OF THE CAR OPEN???"
pause while he checks.
slam on breaks and rush around to close the back end while muttering "oh my, kind of crazy today, eh???" awkwardly to the people staring at me dumbfoundedly.
i get back in the car, redfaced and SO embarrassed when S says to me, "hey L, maybe we should drop YOU off at the nut factory."
indeed, S. indeed.