Wednesday, July 21, 2010

cheat

i'm a cheater.

i have been a vegetarian for 3.5 years. but i haven't eaten pig meat since age 11. SERIOUSLY. i had a bizarre obsession with pigs and i collected them like a weirdo and then all of a sudden i was 16 years old and i had like 800 pigs around my room staring at me at night. so i bagged them up and put them down in my parents' basement. i wonder if they are still there, just waiting for someone to free them from their black plasticy garbage bag and cobwebbed doom.

i am a vegetarian mostly because i fudging hate the taste of meat so it's easier to tell people that i'm a vegetarian than "ew i'm not eating your disgusting bbq'd ribs like a god damn caveman." plus i read THIS book, Skinny Bitch, and it changed my life forever. i shed a tear each time i think of how the pigs die....

also, i eat cheeseburgers from my hometown's best IN ALL OF LIFE burger joint KING'S ROW DUH because the patties are so thin and doused in mayonnaise and relish that i could care less. also i eat fish and crustaceans. so basically i don't eat meat ever. unless it's from the water or a cheeseburger from king's row. i set my own vegetarian rules, really.

BUT TODAY. I CHEATED. LIKE FOR REALS.

let me begin...

today M, S, Baby P and i had the best day. we went for a picnic in the park for lunch, then we went swimming (me in a one-piece obvs because i mean wearing a bikini with children is so lethal. one minute you're splashing around, the next someone's pinky toe catches on the tie around your neck and your boob is falling out and a random child is grabbing at it thinking it's a water toy) and then we went to the mcdonald's with the giant play structure teeming with poop germs and the flu virus. we were soooo wiped out from the day in the sun and i was STARVED. STARVED. the older kids got their happy meals and i ordered a 4-piece chicken nuggets for Baby P and medium french fry for myself and to share with Baby P. i selfishly let her have like 7 while i inhaled the rest. but i was still hungry. STILL HUNGRY. i slurped down my diet coke but well, i was still hungry, and......ohmygod....this is so disgusting...i looked down at the brown mcdonald's tray, i looked at the piece of paper on the tray with the picture of Shrek beaming at me, then i looked at the pile of ketchup next to Shrek's right arm. then i looked at the soggy half-eaten nugget that Baby P had sucked on for 5 minutes before discarding it next to Shrek and the ketchup. and i swallowed hard, trying not to notice the fried golden skin of the nugget right in front of me. then i blacked out. the next thing i know i'm clawing at the baby trying to grasp the last nugget from her hulk hogan grip and she's screaming at me "YACE! YACE! NO!" and i take a step back and realize that i have completely lost it. COMPLETELY. i mean. LOST. IT. but i was still blinded by my hunger and rage, so i made a fair trade: i shoved the diet coke into her hands, forcing her to relinquish the last golden nugget. while she got her caffeine fix, i nibbled on my prize, eyes wild with success and accomplishment.



and now i have diarrhea since i haven't eaten chicken in 3.5 years. talk about punishment. i deserve it for wrestling with a baby.

3 comments:

  1. YOU STOLE FROM A BABY! haha she'll never tell so that's a plus:)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hahahahahaha!! you've always had issues with meat. Remember when you used to make me eat the ends of your hot dog. Apparently the middle was fine, but the ends grossed you out.

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  3. ahahahaha "YACE! YACE! NO!" dying laughing!!

    ReplyDelete

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