Rah sent me this e-mail today and i cried laughing. thought you would giggle as well.
here is the premise and a list of characters: Rah and Nebular just got married so they have all fresh new, white linens. their two dogs Benjamin Pierre (Benny) and Fracois (Frankie) are literally terrorists. like their only goal in life is to ruin everything. like if you leave a pair of used underwear on the ground, they are like sharks to blood and the underwear will be shredded within 14 seconds. Olka is their Russian maid who once left her Russian pop CD at their house. needless to say, Rah and i thoroughly enjoyed a bottle of wine and the dance party that ensued. anyway, so here is the HILARIOUS e-mail...KUDOS RAH!!!:
we cleaned the house last night and THIS IS REAL:
Olka came over late (as usual) around 12. she texted me an hour after she got there. broke the vacuum. wonderful. texted me 2 hours later. she is underpaid by $22. okay, okay, Olka we will pay you extra next time. texts me circa 4:30 “i don’t think i can do yard… sun is real hot today”. alright! Jesus. so we come home…. house smells of bleach. clean, but not vacuumed. Frankie is evading us-—running circles around us. taunting us. “what do you have Fraaaaaaankie?!” oh, no big deal, JUST THE GODDAMN TANKA BAR (spicy buffalo organic beef jerky shit) THAT I BROUGHT HOME FOR JJ. guaranteed dog diarrhea. go to bedroom to change clothes. lock dogs out. THRILLED! Olka changed the bedding to our shabby chic all-white set with monogrammed pillow cases! LOVE!!!!!! now i love Olka, like she is the reason i survive with these devilish dogs and dirty yard. i tell Nebular he is not allowed to put his face on our white monogrammed pillow set “they are for LOUNGING ONLY” to which he says “i’ll do what I want”. okay, F that. change the monogrammed set out reluctantly to the ADORABLE shabby chic shams. Much better. so cute. whine to Nebular that i’m sick and need to sleep & don’t want to do laundry. he tells me to get up and suck it up. “NO NEBULAR. I don’t WANT to.” he walks out with an armload of laundry and lets the dogs in to which i yell “NOOOOOOO! NOT ON THE WHITE BED! THEY'RE DIRRRRRRRRTY!!!!! NEBULARRR!!!"
You can guess what happened next.
Benny & Frankie gallop into the room at a pace akin to a herd of antelope—-jump up on the bed—-knock me over-—and Benny spots The Light Up Ball Toy on Nebular’s nightstand. POUNCES ON BALL ACROSS PILLOWS KNOCKS OVER THE BOX OF NERDS ON NIGHTSTAND. BALL IS GONE. i scream at him. he sits ASS/BUTTHOLE down on Nebular’s side on the BRAND NEW CRISP WHITE SHABBY SHAM. Going to kill him, going to kill him. “BENNNNNNNYYYYYY!!!!!!!” i scream. doesn’t move. “I HAAAAAAAAATE YOU!!!!!” doesn’t move. looks perplexed. “MOVVVVVVVVE YOU STUPID ASS DOG!!!!!” doesn’t move. “BENNY--here boy! come!”
HIS ASS SLIDES DOWN THE PILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOWWWWW SHAMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!! then comes wagging towards me.
yes. yes. yes, L. that really happened. and what do you think he left behind? A SHIT SMEAR. A FUDGING SHIT SMEAR L. A FUDGING SHIT SMEAR THE SIZE OF A MOTHER EFFING RULER.
i cry and scream and wail and shout to Nebular. i lock the dogs out of the room while he rips the sham off the pillow and throws it in the wash. i cry. i’m still crying inside! i don’t even know where the sham is. i haven’t looked to see the damage.
then Nebular the back yard. i watered the plants and called it a night.
then i locked him outside with the dogs. haha.