Cleo has the most amazing trait: she will stay in bed until we get up. she could sleep in until noon and not move if we are still there with her. at least...that's how she used to be. now that we moved into a pooch-friendly apartment complex with all sorts of grassy trails and other dogs, she shoots out of bed like a bullet at 7 a.m. and runs for the door for her morning walk.
this morning was no different. and since the 5 minute argument on whose turn it is to take her out is completely useless we decided that the morning walks will involve all three of us. so we shuffled out of bed in our p.j.s and obviously i grabbed a handful of reeses pieces before we took her out. we were strolling along quietly and there wasn't a sound to be heard for miles on saturday morning, 7 a.m. JJ and i were dreaming of going back upstairs and back into bed.
then Cleo does the heavy-sniff which indicates the shit coming. JJ and i were delighted. she would go, then we would be free to retreat back into the oasis.
BUT NO, THAT WOULD BE TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
turns out Cleo was constipated, and the poo that made it outside her body was stuck. so she did what any right-minded dog would do: she wiped her ass on the grass. which spread it all over her perfectly white butt-fur. "NOOOOO COME ON CLEOOOO NOT TODAY! NOT AT 7 A.M. ON A SATURDAY," is what we yelled at her. so i had to grab a doggie poo-bag and attempt to pull the constipated turd out of her. OMG SO APPALLING. once she was free of the said turd, we turned around to go home. we got in the door and JJ carried Cleo to the bath where he set her down and then looked at me. this is the moment i realized that the dog's poop-butt was now my problem.
OKFINEEEE I'LL DO IT BUT I DEMAND WAFFLES AS PAYMENT.
so Cleo and i had a shower. then i started gagging because i was literally wiping fresh poop off my dog's asshole. and it smelled so bad. so i gagged. and coughed. and gagged some more. and then i threw up on accident. i threw up the reese's pieces on the shower floor. OMG THIS IS NOT REAL. so i called to JJ and told him i threw up. and tried to hand the dog to him. but her butt wasn't quite all the way clean, so he was like "can you please just finish cleaning her butt?" and i was like DUDE I JUST THREW UP REESES PIECES ON THE SHOWER FLOOR BECAUSE OF HER POOP--NO WAY. and he said, "why did you eat reeses pieces at 7 a.m.? and i was like NOT RELEVANT!!!!!! and so he said, "please will you just finish?!?!" and i said FINE. so i finished. and i threw the clean wet dog at him and finished my shower.
and when i got out i had hot steamy waffles with peanut butter and whipped cream waiting for me. and it was 7:45. poo and barf. all before 8 a.m. just a normal day.