Thursday, October 28, 2010

Old Bad Vitamins

being an unemployed loser is tough. i mean, to go from the bed to the couch to the bed to the toilet to the couch again can get very exhausting. AND OMG my diet has consisted of cheese sandwiches, dr. pepper, guacamole and kitkat bars for over a week now...i mean, it's not THAT much different than usual, but since i literally do NOTHING but sit on my ass ALL day, i feel extra un-healthy. i have also decided that i must leave the house once a day. for one reason or the other. leaving the house requires me to put an outfit together, to put on makeup, and to socialize with other human beings.

monday i took the test.
tuesday i went to the park.
wednesday i went to the bank.

today i didn't know what i was going to do.

until i walked into the kitchen this morning... you see, all this unhealthy-ness has spurted a sort of you-are-unhealthy-to-the-millionth-degree-L. so i'm extra aware of what my body is trying to tell me. the other night in bed my bones hurt. they like reallly hurt. and i was like "JJ I THINK I HAVE OSTEOPOROSIS OMFG" and he was like "no you don't calm down. you're not an old lady." and i was like "BUT OMG JJ I DON'T DRINK MILK! I DON'T DRINK MILK! I HAVE NO CALCIUM IN ME! I'M GOING TO DIE OF OSTEOPOROSIS AT AGE 24!!!!!!!" and he was like "take vitamins then, L." thnx.

so this morning i walked in to eat a chewable children's vitamin and a gummy calcium bear. and JJ said, "you might wanna check the dates on those, it's been a while since you've had vitamins," all the while he is shoving an entire Walgreens down his throat. the man takes every vitamin ever. like he's Lance Armstrong or something. i was like "VITAMINS DON'T EXPIRE! that's the stupidest thing i've ever heard." then i turned over the bottles. both went bad in the winter of '09. OMG.

JJ takes in the horrified look on my face and says, "L. just go buy new ones." and i was like PERFECT! GENIUS! THAT CAN BE MY OUTING FOR THE DAY! and i got abnormally excited. and as i was walking out of the kitchen, thoughts of escape from my daily demise of unemploymentness filling my brain, he says to me in a hard, stone cold voice that crushed my dreams, "no Target for the vitamins." ..."WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT JJ OF COURSE I'M GOING TO TARGET FOR THE VITAMINS WHERE ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO GO GET VITAMINS!??!" he sighed. then challenged me to go to Target. and get vitamins only. no women's clearance rack. no food aisle. no toy for Cle. no nothing. just the vitamins.

and i accepted the challenge. and i'm literally going to run in there, grab the vitamins and run to the checkout with my eyes closed so that nothing piques my interest.

wish me luck.


  1. I would have failed that test --
    Tar-jay is my favorite place to be!

    My word is "dishla" and I would have hung out in the dishes section and bought a few!


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